Katy Logic

bloggin again

2007-09-03T03:11:00.003-07:00

hey anyone who still checks this - I am bloggin again- find me on nootherplan.blogspot.com

farewell

2006-07-11T05:13:00.000-07:00

It is killing me to have to write this - because it for the last year blogging has been such a huge tool in my life. But I have realized in the last few weeks as the deep wounds of my heart have been examined and the defenses that have walled my soul have been demolished- that I use this blog as a way to "air my laundry" without having to really interact with people. I am writing and you might or might not think that I am learning - but either way, I don't get to know about it. I used to write these for my brother - but now many people read it and I write for all of you- and this means that I write with my defences in tact.
I wish I could tell you when it would be back, when I can look at the "post screen" and write about my life again - but I don't know. All I know is that I am hurting- as I look at the wounds of my soul- some feel as if they are as deep as the ocean- and my eyes are adjusting to the darkness that has covered my soul - and that I am trying to figure out this pit I have fallen into and in order to get out I have to stop walling myself in - and I have to stop hiding and living my life through this blog - so.... I want you to be apart of my life - so if you want updates and details - email me! Ktforpresident at yahoo!
until then -

Who would have guessed?

2006-07-11T05:11:00.000-07:00

I would never have thought that Solidare would be a place that I would look back on and say “this is another place that God allowed healing in my life.” Nor would I have ever guessed that I would be talking about my scars and baggage and fears with someone I had just met a week before! Nor would I have guessed that the Holy Spirit would have used this friendship to break down my selfish defenses that I had so carefully built around me. Nor did I think that I would be able to see grace in action through the gentle words of a friend sitting across the table at Friday’s. Nor did I think that I would hear piercing questions and actually receive them (another act of the Spirit!) from that same friend- this time at Starbucks (don’t worry, I haven’t changed that much….I had water!). I would have never guessed that this was the way I was going to see God work in my life this summer. But that is the way Grace is – not expected and sometimes painful. I have been totally gobsmacked by a friendship that God has placed into my life in the last few weeks. I have never had a friend quite like this – so I don’t know how to explain it. Let me just say that he razzes me like a brother, is tender with me and yet never lets me slide away from the truth and he is a TON of fun to hang out with! We didn’t have much time to get to know each other – so the gutsy man that he is just asked me to share the deep things of my heart. I didn’t think he could handle them – but his space for hearing and receiving the deep things of my heart seemed to expand with each disclosure! I saw God’s grace and love materialize before my eyes in the friendship that He was beginning – bringing people from opposite sides of the US to a place half way around the world to experience community and love and grace in each other! My faith, love and hope have been increased by the minutes that we have spent with each other. There is no way to explain this kind of friendship – it is like trying to describe the laughter of a child to someone that has never heard. I know that I will look back at these times with great joy- because of all the pain and hurts that were shared – and remembering the grace, faith, hope and love that was oozing out of the bonds that the Spirit was forging between us!

Prisoners of Hope

2006-06-24T04:57:00.000-07:00

I was reading today in Zach 9 about the return of Christ. I was reading here because of the particular promise that one day I will sparkle in the land like jewels in a crown and that I will be beautiful in the truest sense – all sin removed and the body re-created to be free from the curse! May it come soon Lord Jesus! Anyway- I was struck with a word picture that Zachariah uses. He is naming the children of Israel and promising them the abundant rewards of the Messiah and he address them as “prisoners of hope.” I was just floored by this. I have felt recently that I have been a prisoner of fear. I have lived for so long trying to escape pain. I don’t want a boy to reject me – so I won’t like anyone. I don’t want friends to hurt me – so I won’t really invest in anyone. I don’t want my parents to crush me – so I won’t allow them to be apart of my life. I have been ordering my life around fear for so long that I don’t even know what it is like anymore to be “whole” and live without it. But God has been pushing me to embrace hope. To realize that love casts out all fear. To see that being afraid removes all hope – and that is definitely the grace that I find in Jesus. And then I read – prisoner of hope! That’s it! I have become a prisoner of hope. I cling to it as if it is my last breath. I hope that one day I can serve Jesus without fear. I hope that one day I will have a life partner that is able to model beauty and love and grace every day in my life. I hope that I will have people around me that can witness the transformation of Grace that is being made in my life. I hope to invest in others and to bring the Kingdom of God near to many people. I am bound to hope – I can’t think of my life without it. I am under its control. I am its slave. Oh Father – make this be true! Make me a prisoner of your Hope!

beautiful

2006-06-24T04:55:00.000-07:00

When I hear this word only one thing really comes to mind. Amelia Earhart. No, not the pilot that was lost – the mountain. It is on the backside of the Yosemite Valley and climbs to an astounding 15,000 feet. It has this curvy road that leads to its summit and the view is INCREDIBLE! The bluest of lakes are at her feet, the Yosemite Valley and its 7 waterfalls caress her back – beautiful seems to have been invented here. I have been learning a lot about beauty in the last year – it seems as God wants me to understand it fully and to be able to use it to describe my relationship with Him. This week He gave me another lesson in beauty. It came in an unexpected time – but in my 3rd favorite place on earth, Solidare. I was going to hang out with a friend. We had just met the week before. He is a student at Biola and is here for 4-6 weeks. We met in odd circumstances – he was tagging along with another group, I was tagging along to see what the training was like. We hit it off immediately and had been able to chat a few more times. This was the first time that we were able to hang out without anyone else, so I was expecting a great night of conversation. We got downtown and after bouncing at 2 other places, we finally landed at Fridays. We chatted about theology and family and such. Then something beautiful happened. He gently asked me to put down my defences and talk about the pain and scars in my life. And I was able to share the messiness of my life – the pain and fears that keep me prisoner. He shared too – walking with me in the darkness of my life. We talked of pain, we talked of hope. We shared the truths that have preserved us in our dark hours – Ps 139 was gilded with love as we rejoiced together over the faithfulness and grace of our beautiful Savior. I will never forget this time. A few hours where hope was tasted. A few minutes where grace was real.

sinking

2006-06-24T04:50:00.000-07:00

I got a note from my sister today telling me that she is moving to Washington state. I knew that she was moving. My brother and Green will be moving to Washington to help with a church plant there. They are taking a huge step of faith – and for that they are my heroes. It is not often anymore in our day and age that people will re-locate to love others – and this is exactly what they are going to do. I am so proud of them and I can’t wait to see and hear all that J teaches them on this adventure. But when I got the email today that said they will be leaving before I get home, it hit me – I won’t be living close to my family for the rest of my life. I have known this for a long time, but Josh and Green moving just makes this a bit clearer. I was crushed at the thought that I won’t get to see them until Christmas. It made my life choices hit home. I began to think that when I graduate I want to live overseas- away from my family. I know that I will keep in touch with my brother, and I already have plans for the “world’s best road trip” with Green next summer to celebrate our 30th – road trip from Dallas to Seattle with stops at the Grand Canyon, Yosemite and Vegas – man, it is going to be AWSOME!!! But I think that it just highlighted the fact that when I move I will be doing it by myself. I won’t have a husband and a few kids to watch the journey. I won’t have my best friend to meet me at the door and ask how my day was. I won’t have people to fuss with, people to bring up my ugly past and to remind me of how far God’s grace has brought me. I will have to do that through the internet- and make sure that I bond quickly with those in my new home – and live honestly before them in community. I think that this was why I reacted so much to the news that they were really moving. I love them so much and will miss seeing them the few times that I am on the east coast. It seems that the last few weeks I have been longing for a life partner. I say it that way because I don’t want to “be married” but rather I want someone who will partner with me. I want someone to watch the grace of God at work in my life – someone to have fellowship with and someone to have community with. Isn’t it whacked that my brother and sister move and it makes me want to get married!!! But that is where I sit. All week I have been singing “Great is Thy Faithfulness” – and that line that “all I have needed Thy hand has provided” keeps ringing in my ear. I remember a discussion I had with a friend before I left. She was talking about a boy she had a crush on and how she really wanted to get married. I remember telling her that it was pretty simple- either j provides for us or He doesn’t. I said that our hope was to be on Him and His return, not a husband. She winced and said that she wanted to at least hope to have sex before He came back. I laughed and said that if Jesus coming back wasn’t better than sex than I didn’t want any of this Christianity stuff! I think now I am having to eat my own words. Either He provides for me or He doesn’t. I know that He will give me what I need – but I am just impatient and wish that He would either take away the desire or give me a man :)

Stamps

2006-06-19T04:22:00.000-07:00

My favorite OT prophet is Elijah - and his sidekick Elisha. I love him for so many reasons, one of which is that he wasn't afraid to take risks, whine to God and do amazing things even at great risk to his life. But I have been re-reading his story along with reading the Gospels. And it has been so fun to see the "picture" of the Messiah that Elijah and Elisha were. Elisha feeds 100 people with a few loaves of bread and has left overs, he heals people with leprosy, raises people from the dead - little snapshots if what was to come. But these amazing stories are more like postage stamps - too small to really know much, but you know it must be big if they got a stamp! And then you read the story of J...How he fed 5000, how he healed lepers by just talking, how he forgave sins - how he raised people, not just one but people, from the dead - how He died and was raised, ascended! The list goes on! It is like God is "one-upping" the stories of the OT prophets! It is great!
I have just been reminded how incredible our Savior is and what wondrous grace He has given to me that I might be called His child! WOW!

trip to damascus

2006-06-19T04:20:00.000-07:00

The mosque was incredible. That doesn’t begin to express its beauty. It is hard to tell about the atmosphere of a mosque – it is one of those things in life that has to be experienced. It can’t be told in words, but alas that is what I have been given to communicate – so I will try. The white walls stretched into the sky where the minarets towered even higher. They stood as a fortress between me and the life inside. I went and put on a brown sack (literally, it was a sack – but note that this did not keep guys from trying to hit on me! I must really have “it” because even in a sack I am a show stopper around here J) And breached the fortress. As I made my way in with one of my best friends here, I was blown away by the beauty. Every wall in the courtyard was dripping with gold and blue mosaics. They covered every wall and made the courtyard a place of exquisite color and light that I think can’t be matched anywhere by man made creation. People peppered the courtyard, all getting ready to go and pray. We pushed our way in even further – walking carefully as if we knew we were on enemy soil. AS we made our way into the prayer room, I was hit with intense color and light. All the arches – and there were at least 30 were rimmed in multi-colored stain glass. The ceiling was mosaic and would take every breath away. The chandeliers were of crystal falling in the light – and the dome, it was incredible -reaching far above as if to dwarf you just by looking into it. And there she was, at the foot of the dome. Dressed in black from head to toe. She was dutifully facing Mecca as she went down on her knees, then she stood, bowed and started over again. Tears crowed into my eyes. I was struck by the thought that Jesus was delaying His return so that He could show His grace in this mosque, to these people. That He loved them so much that He wanted them to be apart of His body – but that there was no one there to tell them. There are so few “workers” in Syria that the 2.75 million people in Damascus alone most likely will never meet one – much less receive a Bible or hear the story of His love. My heart broke at the immensity of His grace and the challenge before us. I walked carefully, praying for every face, every heart – begging God to send people to this place. And then I was met by my friend, he too in tears and we stood there – in that place of false worship – and called on the True God to bring people to Him. To bring worshippers in that place. To shine His light in their hearts and allow them to understand the Gospel. Tears falling, voices cracking – we begged God to be gracious to them.
I will never forget that hour in that mosque.

Saturday at Starbucks

2006-06-10T05:47:00.000-07:00

Well, I came to starbucks today to send some emails on their wireless DSL and then I met two teachers who teach at the "big" international school here in Beruit. It was great - we chatted for a few minutes and then exchanged numbers and we will try to get together later this summer. That was an unexpected meeting!
Anyway, I am writing because I have been listening to U2 for the last few days and the song "where the streets have no names" has become my theme song for the summer. I have been struck by this song before - but I have never lived in a place where you could tell so much about a person by just where they live. Are they in the Muslim section of town? The Christian area? Do they live in the south- cause if they do they are Hezbolah, etc, etc. And living here and listening to that song - that one day we will live in a place where the streets have no names - that I am going there....with you? It is all I can do - I have been singing that in my head as I meet people- reminding me that I am not going to live on this earth forever, and in the between time I am to make it my goal to love others into the Kingdom!
So- may it be soon....may He come and take us to a place where the streets have no names!

Protest:

2006-06-10T05:43:00.000-07:00

I was living in protest yesterday over my selfishness. I had been pricked by the Spirit earlier in the day and then I came home and read and “fussed” with J about it. I was still pretty sure it wasn’t fair that I was having to live here with nothing to do and that He should fix it. So, I got home and the college students were meeting at my apartment, so I hid in my room. I was crying and asking God why He would bring me here and give me such hope that my gifts and passions would mesh so easily into this team and city and then keep me from participating. Why He would spend a whole year getting me ready to say that I will raise support and then bring me here and see that the Company is actually getting along and working in this city? Why did He give me this random desire to study Peace and Reconciliation and then bring me here where I can see that it would be the perfect University platform and then show me that the schools here can’t pay me enough to live, much less pay off my student loan – so I have to go back to the Emirates for a few years. I don’t think that is fair!!! Why give me this vision and then delay it????
So, I was crying and fussing with J and then I decided I had enough and wanted to go prayer walking. (this way I would at least accomplish something!) So, I went to the door and it was locked. In order to unlock it you need a key. I didn’t have one – so I went looking for one in the apartment. Ma Fi (there is none) So, I called my roomies – they didn’t answer. So I called S (the subject of a blog all in itself- but I am not sure that I want to write that one J ) and he said that he would come and rescue me. But when he got here, the front desk didn’t have a key either! So, I was stuck in my apartment for the afternoon. It WAS AWFUL! It was like God was saying “you think you are so important, that you need to be a vital part of the work – well, I will get you locked in and no one will miss you so that you will have to get over that!” So, I did. I sat, unmissed in my apartment and wrestled with Jesus. We had it out. And He won (thankfully). I cried and told Him that I was disappointed. I told Him that I didn’t get it. I told Him that I didn’t like it. And He cupped His hands around my ears and told me that He loved me. That He knew that I didn’t like it, and that I might not ever understand – but that He has it all under control. So, I allowed Him to love me and read the Book – stories of this Comforting Jesus and then read some about the Lifeboat in Miller’s “Searching for God knows what” – it was a great time! Then, my roomies came back – we all went to dinner and then came back and played cards! It was a blast! I laughed so hard I almost wet my pants! It is great being on such a great team!

The resurrection

2006-06-10T05:40:00.000-07:00

I have been reading through the book of Acts today for an assignment with the college students. And I have realized how many times the apostles referred to the resurrection as the Gospel. I think that this is something that I have typically “tacked on” the end of the substitutionary atonement of the Cross. But what if it is more than that? Isn’t the resurrection of Christ the basis for our hope? Isn’t it the basis for our faith in our own salvation? Without the resurrection the cross would have been incomplete – so why do I act as if it is “extra?” I have been learning that the resurrection gives a clear presentation of the Trinity – Jesus is raised by the power of the Spirit at the Father’s command = all Three are there and all Three are doing different things. So you see Three distinct persons and yet one person = the Trinity. At the resurrection we get hope in judgment, the faith in our salvation and the understanding that we will one day live above sin and the curse. The resurrection needs to be more “real” in my Gospel….because it is this doctrine that allows for a relationship with Christ now – a risen Savior alive and interceding for me today!

Selfishness

2006-06-06T04:55:00.000-07:00

It seems that no many how much I learn about my selfishness I still have more to learn. It is kinda like that drive that never seems to end - you think you are close to your destination...But at every turn there is another and it never seems to end. That is me and my battle for love. I have learned so much about selfishness and the need for me to confess and run from it- but here in starbucks Hamra, Beirut I am getting yet another lesson. I have been frustrated at every turn - nothing is going the way that I want it to. I am not meeting people as quickly as I would like, I am not as busy as I would like and I am not doing anything that is gaining me a name. And so I am in the depths of despair as I waller in my selfishness. I have been hit upside the head by my definition of success and how selfish it is. I have realized that I want to use my gifts and let them be seen for my glory - so that I will be known in this place. Not do that God will be known. I have shirked from the minimal activities - I could spend my days prayer walking, but that would not let me be seen. I did not know that my depravity could go this far - that even my best intentions are tainted with my desire for fame and recognition. Well, that is not going to happen this summer- I am going to stay in the back of the van, away from anyone's notice and learn to serve. Really serve. Learn to pray as if that is all that matters - because it is. Learn to serve others by washing their dishes, showing them the store, giving up my expectations and desires and laying them down. I am going to learn to live for His sake - not mine. This is really scary to me - scary because I know that GOd doesn't have my back in this area....He let His Son endure endless shame and humiliation and never once stepped in to make it easier - so I am scared. But I know that if I am going to be a follower of Jesus I have to learn to serve. Even if it means a lot of tears, dreams and expectations being amputated from my very body and agony that cuts to the core of my personality- I will learn to serve.

Stories

2006-06-01T03:37:00.000-07:00

You know, I have forgotten how much I love stories - but the last few nights I have put myself to sleep by telling stories in my head - stories from the Gospels. I have "remembered" J as I have talked to myself about how He walked on water, fed 5000, healed the paralytic that "fell" through the roof - and this morning - after a hot jog on the Corniche, I read the first few chapters out loud from my balcony. No one else could hear me because of the construction going on, but I just wanted to read some stories to my neighbors! :)
I have realized that this is how I can interact with the Glory of God that has been made flesh so that w can know Him. I learn from Him (as a Person, not some "spirit thingy" - but seeing Him all hot and sweaty on the side of the well asking for a drink - and then being so satisfied with doing God's will that other physical needs were diminished - by hearing John say "behold the Lamb of God that takes away the sin of the world" and "seeing" the face of the guy standing next to J - can you imagine? And by hearing J take on Nicodemus - turning everything upside down by showing Grace (something that wasn't known through the law) and seeing Nic's head spin (like ours after a Matrix movie) trying to figure out how to be born again :)
Listening to J, as He clouds Himself in His stories - and how He "tabernacles" among the people - the very glory of God visible! It makes my imagination bulge, my heart sing and my creative side leap! I am so grateful for His stories!

The Gospel

2006-05-31T06:56:00.000-07:00

You know me the nerd - can't just live life, I have to think about it - so here are my thoughts on life from the last few days
I have been hearing a lot about the Gospel around Beirut - mostly from people who believe it - but we have been sharing it with others (I am thrilled with this, it is great to have this freedom!) It has made me wonder - what "REALLY" is the Gospel - it is substitutionary atonement? Is it the 4 Spiritual laws? Is it that Christ died, was buried and rose again? And how are you supposed to share it?
I have decided that I am "going to go" with Paul's definition - that seems like a safe bet. So, the Gospel is CHRIST - died, buried and risen. Seems simple enough. But how do you share a Person - I can share a list of ideas, I can share my story - but how do I share me? How do I share my dad? How do I share Jesus? I am not sure that I know how - I am a bit overwhelmed. I think that all my life I have thought of the Gospel as a set of ideas, and in the last few years it has been shaken and reshaped - but still, I wonder if I am too tied to those ideas.
Ok, so why is this hitting the fan now? Well, the people of this country - and all the books I have read or stories I have been told about these people - admit that this is a shame culture, not a guilt one. All of my discipline options when I taught in the Middle East had to change - because I disciplined based on guilt, and I had to change to discipline out of shame - they are really different -
so here, the Gospel that I have always understood - one of my guilt being taken - means little. So I struggle - how do I share Christ - not water down the truth of who He is and what He does - and yet not do it in a "guilt" way!
How do I share the Gospel - maybe it comes down to love.
Sorry this blog is scattered, my thoughts are scattered - I hope that I can flesh this out a bit more in the next few weeks/months - and I hope to learn from people here - so maybe there is a "to be continued" - but maybe not :)

CHRIST IS RISEN INDEED!

2006-04-17T11:28:00.000-07:00

What a statement! I experienced the joy and hope and love of Easter in such a great way this year!
I have been practicing lent - and this year I gave up movies. I know, this isn't "big" to most of you - but it is "HUGE" to me....I love watching movies, the stories, the pictures, the emotions - OH I LOVE THEM! But, I went on a "movie and TV fast" for the 40 days of lent - to make me practice anticipating. I think that as Christians we need to practice anticipation - our hope that the resurrection was a first fruit of things to come (that by God's grace we get to participate in!)
So, I waited for Easter with a HUGE longing - and learned how little I long for Christ's return, and how I have to put things in my life that point me to that longing.
But on with the story - Easter was great! I woke up and went to a sunrise service where we met on the 4th floor of a parking garage and watched the sun creep up behind the clouds. The pastor reminded us that the resurrection is not just something that happened "back then" but it is our hope for our resurrection - when we will be like Christ! Made like HIM! And then we can worship Him without sin, with our whole hearts and really love others as more important than ourselves!
And then I went to the Episcopalian church down the street - and we listened to the hallelujah chorus and proclaimed the hope of the resurrection as we celebrated the Lord's supper - remembering Christ until He returns.
but I wasn't finished! I went to first Baptist Dallas so I could sing "up from the grave" and "because He lives" - and they did not disappoint!
and then....It was over? I was struck by how much we celebrate Christmas and stilt Easter - so I continued the celebration all day - lunch with friends - a quick nap- then dinner at my roommate's parents with 4 international students who had never heard of good Friday or Easter - and I got to tell them about it! And then..... a MOVIE!!!
It was great! I watched Chariots of Fire and rejoiced that Easter was here!
Christ - who is our Hope - is risen INDEED!!!

Forgiveness is greater than justice

2006-04-10T11:44:00.000-07:00

I believe that - I think as Christians we have to believe that. This is our daily experience. Christ unjustly bore all my sins - He was without sin, and took mine! And then, He offers forgiveness to me - Everyday, as I confess my sins, I scream "forgiveness is better than justice!" - But when it comes to me and my friends, me and the people who hurt me - I want justice. I want them to admit they are wrong, to change their behavior and get what they deserve - I don't want to offer forgiveness.
I am so selfish- I want to feel like me and my feelings are the most important. I don't want to admit that forgiveness is better, because justice (in this area) is in my court - I would win. But when it is obvious that I would lose, I want forgiveness. What a hypocrite!
I want to pick forgiveness, but to do that requires love, it requires me to think of her as more important than me, it requires that I think of her sin as forgiven by Jesus, that He bore all the pain, weight and condemnation of that act. No matter how painful, no matter how much I am gasping for air...Jesus says that she is His, that she is my sister, that her sin is paid for and that she now bears no condemnation, that we, together, have peace with God - and that this is a chance for me to declare that I am stranger on this earth, that I don't see things as only here on earth, that I am not waiting for people to think of me as the best, to agree with me, to treat me well - (I am here to identify with my Savior who was treated HORRIBLY, by the way, out of His love for the Father, His love for the glory of God and somehow for His love for me!) My act of forgiveness shows that I am eagerly awaiting the Savior who will put all things in subjection under His feet and will transform me to my spiritual body because I will be as He is! Forgiveness shows that I am not looking for acceptance here, but I am looking for the Kingdom, that I am living in the reality of redemption right now, That I am living out "on earth as it is in heaven"
So, why is it still so hard for me to do it ?

Prayer

2006-04-07T09:32:00.000-07:00

I have realized lately that I don't pray enough - I have realized this in a few ways.....
1) I have been studying the church in school these days and one thing I have realized is how much we need each other - we are not complete without our brothers and sisters that make up this mysterious Body of Christ - and in that, I realized that the oneness that we are to strive for is IMPOSSIBLE without the work of the Spirit in each of our lives - and this means that we have to be dependent upon Him.....So I need to pray
2) I have realized that I need the discipline of coming to God and asking - pleading- for an awareness of His Spirit at work in my life and the lives of others
3) I have enjoyed the times of embrace as I have complained and whined and fussed - and I have been assured of my acceptance, redemption and reconciliation in Christ
4) I have found prayer to be a way to affirm my eager expectation of the return of Christ - asking for things now because all things have not yet been placed in subjection to Jesus (heb 2) and because of that I have needs and sin and need Jesus to return. Prayer is a way that I can affirm this
5) Jesus told us to do it :)
I have been amazed at how easily I forget to pray - how much I need an attitude of living in Christ's presence to live in love as Jesus commands (and is so eloquently expressed in John's writings) - I have been amazed at how "self-sufficient" I can feel and how prayer takes a sledge hammer to that lie

Forgiveness

2006-03-27T11:54:00.000-08:00

I was reading a book 2 weeks ago while I was camping. This feels like it was a lifetime ago because of all the insanity of this week, but it was just 2 weeks ago. The author, Philip Yancey, was talking about virtues that we posses that point to the reality of eternity. He told a story of a woman in South Africa during the Truth and reconciliation commission. This was a commission that was formed after the end of apartheid to discover the truth of the atrocities that were committed during that 20 year period. This woman had seen her husband be "necklaced" which means a tire was filled with gasoline, placed around his neck and then lit on fire. The perpetrators stood around and watched as they burned their victim laughing at how it was faster than killing him and then cremating the body. Then, a few years later, these same men returned and set her son on fire in front of her eyes. During the commission, the judge asked the woman what she wanted this man, the one who lit the fires, to do - she said two things. 1) can you show me where you burned my husband so I can get a handful of dirt and honor his body? 2) I forgive you and I still have a lot of love in my heart to give. I don't have a husband to love or a child to love, so I want to love you - to show you that I truly forgive you. So I want to ask you to come to my house every week so I can show you my love and forgiveness.
The man fainted on the spot.
This is a true story - and there are many more like it in the book "Country of my Skull" - one of the best books I have read all year! This story brought tears to my eyes - reminding me of the truth that allows such a heart of love.
I but the book down - my eyes full of tears and turned off the flashlight. I laid back on the picnic table that was my desk and gazed into heaven.
The stars were out in full force - not clouded by the city lights or the clouds of the storm that would be rolling in - and as I gazed at the beautiful circle dance on the curtain of darkness, I thought ......
It seems that we as humans are great at constructing buildings of pain - they are built with selfishness and sin - and often they seem to form a reality that is suffocating. It seems that sin, and the pain caused by it, is all around us - a earth that fights with itself in hurricanes, flash floods, tornadoes, etc - people that don't care for each other that inflict immeasurable wounds on their fellow men. It is when you gaze deeply into this vat of darkness that it seems that this is the only reality. And then, like pricks of light, pointing to an immensity that can only be imagined, forgiveness shines through. It points to the fact that sin is not all there is, that pain and agony do not rule, that love is bigger and stronger than all the powers of selfishness.
These glimpses into eternity are what break me from my circle of selfishness - this week has been hard, filled with stress....With insecurities ....And sad to admit, selfishness. And at times I took this out on those closest to me. If they didn't have their life in the midst of my madness, if I didn't think that they were struggling enough with me - really, if I felt that they were having fun and living a normal life while mine was torture, then I got mad! So, I told them that I was ticked....And watched them listen to me, watched them stare my selfishness in the eye and then ask me to forgive them for not loving me the "way they should!" - all the while allowing me to be a butt. These encounters jolted me - they allowed light into a room that I thought was impenetrable - they forgave me for my sin!
I have walked around for the last 24 hours reveling in the fact that I am forgiven - that my sin is black, that it walls me in, that it is filled with hurt and agony and pain - but that God has forgiven me, He has broken into my life with a love inexpressible and showed that my reality does include sin.....But it won't forever! :)

All alone and by myself

2006-03-24T11:20:00.000-08:00

It is amazing how I can be in my apartment, filled with people and because I don't have a "partner" of some kind that I feel alone. I came home yesterday - and it was overwhelming! It has been a long time since I have been accosted by those feelings....And my first reaction was to want to "like" somebody - but the guys at DTS have no real vision for the world - they are so "status quo" it is revolting!
But I think this is just because I am becoming more and more aware that the life we live is a communal life. It seems that living and not investing in people is not really living. I think this is why I feel loneliness today - I want to impact humanity with my relationships - that is why I have been going to peace rallies and emailing senators about human rights issues - leading "world water day" discussions at school -making people aware of the thousands that are dying because of AIDS, lack of food, lack of drinking water. I don't understand why God has given me such a desire to arouse the church to help those made in the "image of God" that are dying around the world - and a desire to teach the Bible and a desire to live outside of the US? How am I supposed to make that happen - so, I am reeling....spinning in this thing they call time - longing for someone to "partner" with me and give me a place - a vision - direction......

the march

2006-03-20T16:06:00.000-08:00

I was reminded last night of C.S.Lewis' little diddy about studying during war that is found in Weight of Glory - ok enough- on with the story I was called yesterday afternoon by my room-mate's boyfriend stating that Nic (the room-mate) was swept away in a flash flood - after a few minutes panic - he assured me that she was ok, however another girl that was with her died. I was floored - how does life change so quickly? And if it does - why am I at school - shouldn't I be "doing something" with my life? And why does this "adventure" make me feel as if life is meaningless (is it as if some water can take it away, it must not be that precious)? I went spinning as the last thought filled my head - how revolting! I know that life is precious - because God took the form of humanity - and that has elevated human life to a place that can't be described - much less the fact that God says that humans are created in the image of God and the because we are image bearers we have value! But, what am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to live - knowing now more than usual that I am marching toward death - and everyday it becomes closer! And that is when CS Lewis punched into my mind - the fact that people are dying - in war, in water, in famine, etc - is not what should make me change my attitude about my occupation (being a student) because men and women are always dying - the question is whether or not studying has merit - and I am pretty sure it does. As I look back at my time at DTS, I realize all the areas that God has stretched me to the limit - my finances, my friends, my singleness, my dreams, my abilities, my insecurities - and I think of all the things that I have learned about God - His grace, His love, His vastness, His desire for redemption, His goal of reconciliation, His coming return, His love for His creation - His love for me (all of me) - His love for people, His desire for me to be wrought with His character- and the list could go on and on and on! So, yes - I am marching toward death, yes, I am aware of that in rare fashion - I am aware that death is scary- even though it shouldn't be, it is - I don't know what it is like, I feel as if I should meet it with certain accomplishments, letters after my name and positions that I have amounted- but that doesn't really matter when you meet him - death just takes you - not your crap!
I am confident that I should have this feeling every day (this awareness of death) - an urgency to live for Christ, a passion to make a difference and a love for life- I think this feeling is what Amy Carmichael meant when she said "love to live and live to love" -

Wearing thin

2006-03-18T08:01:00.000-08:00

I sleep in this shirt - it is a cool purple color and has the Baltimore Crab on the front and back. I love this shirt - because it is cool, because it is from my favorite city and because I have had it for years. At some point a few years back, a hole developed and it was made into pajamas. Not that I can't afford pajamas, but I love this shirt and I want to keep it! Well, as I have slept in this shirt over the last few years - combined with the "dyer" in the Emirates (aka on the clothes line in 110 degree heat) a few more holes developed - first in the arm pit, then the other, then a few more in the back, then a few more across the top - and now it has actually managed to remain its shape and be indecent at the same time! I am not sure how this is possible - but it has happened....And I am not sure that it even has merit to be pajamas. (after all is there a point in wearing clothes if they are indecent?) So I am going to have a funeral for my shirt - and let it go into oblivion - and I will mourn its loss!
I feel a little bit like that shirt - I feel as if school is wearing holes in my soul - taking advantage of the areas that I am weak in and blowing them to smithereens! I feel as if my "want to" gets diminished to nothing - because for so long I have just done what I "have to" - today when I get off work, I will do homework for at least 4 hours - and I have already spent 2 solid days reading and every evening for the last umpteen weeks I have done homework! So, I don't want to do homework...But I have to - and what do I want to do? I don't know, it feels like it has been so long since I just got to do whatever I wanted!
And then, look at me - acting like I should be able to do what I want - what about the 10 million kids in northern Uganda that walk almost 10 miles every night and morning to escape the "LRA" and the sure "draft" into their army - or worse, rape, murder, etc. I wonder how many of them are plagued with Oprah's thoughts of "do what I love, love what I do" - or what about the millions dying of hunger in Nigeria, or the thousands that will die today of Aids in sub-saharan Africa? How many of them will think "what is my passion and how can I live that out?"
But even the thoughts of all of these people makes me shrink - how could I begin to make a difference in their lives?
And I am worn out again, this time in a different spot - a big hole is developing.

I confess

2006-03-10T09:52:00.000-08:00

I confess that I only like grace when it works in my favor.
I confess that I want my friends to only have fun when they are with me.
I confess that I feel alone.
I confess that I fell as if no one gets me.
I confess that the reason I hate my job is that I feel like it is below me.
I confess that I have forgotten what it is like to live in a place surrounded by those who do not follow Christ.
I confess that the only reason I feel alone is because I don't want to need anyone.
I confess that people annoy me.
I confess that I live as if I have to earn God's love.
I confess that I think I deserve better than I have.
I confess that I am self-centered.
I confess that I compare and compete in all areas of life.
I confess that I do not guard my tongue.
I confess that I do not take time to love others.
I confess that I expect people to treat me with dignity, but I do not take the time to treat others this way.
I confess that I expect people to understand that I have a story - but I don't take the time to listen to theirs.
I confess that I live as if my sins are "mistakes."
I confess that I focus on other people's sins more than my own.
I confess that I don't even take the time to admit my need of others and God.
I confess that most of the time I don't think I need others or God.
I confess that I only want to hang out with people who think I am cool.
I confess that I get sick and tired of trying to "love mercy, do justice and walk humbly with God" I confess that I get mad because I don't have the money to go on a road trip from Johannesburg to Casa Blanca.
I confess that I live as if the world around me is the only reality.
I confess that I live as if the resurrection never happened.
I confess that I hate any limitations placed on me by others or myself.
I confess that I need grace!

Creativity

2006-03-08T12:01:00.000-08:00

I have realized that I love being creative - but that there are areas of creativity - like writing (especially poetry) and singing that I do not want to do publicly because I want people to like me! :) I mean, that I am afraid that they will think that I sing poorly or that I write horribly - so I keep these things to myself.
Also, I am learning that as the Body of Christ I need to admit that I need people - it is really hard for me to admit that I need someone - but I am learning to say "thanks, that was exactly what I needed" acknowledging that I need people. It is quite embarrassing to admit that I am not self-sufficient. And even more embarrassing to admit that I think I could be self-sufficient. I am realizing that I have bought into the American idea that I can make myself into whatever I want and have no need of anyone else! WHAT A JOKE!
I really need people - people right here in Dallas, friends that live in the Emirates, Canada and even California - saints that have lived before me - and saints that live all over the world, struggling to live like Jesus in different cultures and in different ways! I need people! That is what the Body of Christ is - a body, parts made into a whole - all relying on the Head and all dependent on each other!
I am really tired right now, and I am sure that I need to blog more - but hopefully I will get on for a really long blog this week - since I don't have classes - but right now I need a nap - so....

Talent show

2006-02-25T12:18:00.000-08:00

Last night I went to a talent show at DTS - it was full of people trying to do spiritual things to show off their talent. I was amazed that we have so many people at DTS that can write, make people laugh and sing - but I was also amazed at the Christian mind that has to have everything be "spiritual." And why is spiritual always end on a happy note? - no one got up there and read poetry about what I was feeling:

caught in the space between words,
hidden in the crook of the question mark wondering when the answer would be written

that's right - I got off work - where I had people cuss at me all day long because I work for a company that doesn't always tell the truth and that is really poorly managed. I sat at work, fighting back tears - listening to my co-workers frustrated and breaking - and I thought "GOD! DID YOU NOT HEAR ME!!!! I WANT A NEW JOB!!!!" - I sat thinking about why God is "refusing" to provide a new job for me - and the insecurities flood in...It is because I am not managing my money well, it is because I should have stayed in the Emirates, it is because I don't pray hard enough - and the tears begin to slip down my cheek.
I wanted someone to say - me too! But no one was even willing to give me a peek into "realness" why? I don't know - but I know that in my life, I am not real because people won't like me! I know that if I told people that last night I was drowning in insecurity and longing for a friend to laugh with - that I would have been "scary" to those around me. I know that if I had said - I hurt- I need Jesus to come back- that I would get an "I am sorry" instead of a "me too!"
so, I will try to be real- even if that scares people - but I am sick of the "bless her heart" eyes that I see when I start saying that I am fallen and need Jesus- like they don't feel like that!

a funny story

2006-02-20T17:54:00.000-08:00

I was getting gas yesterday - and because I am trying to live on a budget, I get all my cash for the week out at once and divide it into categories - which is good, but it means that I can't use my card at the pump and I have to go inside. So, I went in. It was really cold yesterday in Dallas - about 30 degrees and a strong cold wind. So as soon as I made it in the door I shivered and said "Brrrr" to which the Pakistani man that was working behind the counter responded with " You're cute!" I smiled and said "thanks" and then he said "but I bet you don't like boys!" I just laughed and said - "no, I like boys!" and just shot up a quick prayer for all those single women who work in places where you get hit on all the time! Man, life in the US is really different than most places. I just laughed at his candor, assumptions and my "catch 22" - I mean what do I say - yes I like boys so you can keep hitting on me - or no I am gay! But is made me laugh!Of course, he offered to take me to Pakistan, told me that it was ok that it was a huge offer, because "love is crazy" and it does crazy things! I thanked him, told him to keep me posted about when he is going home - and went back into the cold to pump my gas with a smile!

in a funk

2006-02-17T07:14:00.000-08:00

I am in a funk today - have been for a few days actually. I am not really sure why, but I feel as if I am just going through the motions of life and need some kind of thrust to get going again. I don't know what brought it on - maybe I am just overwhelmed with all the need in the world and can't get a handle on what my role is in meeting it - I have been bombarded with the needs of Africa this week- Aids is killing one out of every 10 in most of southern Africa, famine is killing one out of every 5 kids in Western Africa, and in the east, war in Sudan, refugees throughout, children abducted to be soldiers and poverty that seems unending. I know that Jesus wants to give these people more than just the Jesus film, more than just a promise of heaven - He wants to bring Peace and fill their stomachs too!
But where do I fit - what can I do?
Or maybe it is because I am just being selfish that I am in a funk - you know the selfish drive that makes me want a boy to think that I am pretty and cool. The idea that if a boy thinks I am important than all will be right in the world!
Why do I do this - why do I think that there is a simple answer to fixing my curse - I act as if I can just get something or do something and then all will be right - all the evil, the poor, the effects of fallen humanity will disappear with the look of a boy, the accomplishment of a task. It is as if I think that there is something here on earth that will fill my deepest needs- forgetting the fact that the only way that all will be right in the world is if Jesus comes back!
so the funk will continue.....

Forgiveness

2006-02-04T09:41:00.000-08:00

I am reading this book about the "Truth and reconciliation Commission" in South Africa (like I don't have enough things to do, I indulge myself with pleasure reading to counter balance the 100's of pages of required reading!) I have been blown away with the African mindset of forgiveness. These people have been tortured, devastated, lives have been ruined - people treated worse than dogs - and they came to the commission to tell their story and seek reconciliation.
These people think of forgiveness - not as a release from guilt, not even as a statement of faith - but as a source of reconciliation. They forgive not because it is the right thing to do, but because unity is bigger than guilt, because reconciliation is valued more than vengeance - because togetherness is bigger than revenge.
I have been blown away by this true story - it has brought me to tears many times the stories of the atrocities committed and the forgiveness that is offered. It is such a great story of the miracle of forgiveness - unlike any I have ever read outside of the Bible. - and the crazy thing is, these people aren't even claiming to forgive in the name of Christ!
How much more should we - those who claim to be the body of Christ - God's physical representation on earth - how much more should we be known as those who value forgiveness and reconciliation over revenge and hatred - and guilt!

Hope

2006-01-28T07:25:00.000-08:00

This week I have been struck by how much I need Jesus to return. (I am sorry I haven't been bloggin' very regularly - I have been SWAMPED and I normally blog at work, and work has been really busy! But I am getting DSL at my house this week, so I should be able to blog at home, and this will mean I can blog all the time! YEAH! - back to the regularly scheduled program)
I am taking eschatology this semester and I have been struck by how much of theology is structured around this word "hope." It seems as if all of theology is leading us to the point of the return of Christ! It is our understanding of God, Man, Salvation, the Church -everything....It is all based on the first and second advent of Christ!
I have realized that this places "hope" pretty high up on the Christian virtue list. I look around at the songs we sing, the shirts we wear and the talk we talk - and I don't see this virtue anywhere! I am amazed at how much we have forgotten the need for Jesus to return - without this, we are.....Stuffed! :)
As I look at our early church brothers and sisters, they let this fact govern most of the Christian disciplines - when they prayed, they prayed because Jesus had not come back yet, and they still had needs here on earth. When they fasted, they fasted because the Bridegroom was not present. When they sang, they sang as a foretaste of the praise around the Throne. When they read the Bible, they did so because the Word was not present with them and they needed the Spirit to reveal God through the Scriptures. When they gave "Christian love" it was because everything was not set right in the world because Jesus had not yet returned. Everything they did had this underlying current of "hope."
And as cool as this idea is - Paul says in I Cor 13 that there is "faith hope and love" and the greatest of these is "love." I have wondered why love is the greatest - and this week in class, I realized that it is the greatest because it is the only one that is eternal. Because at the return of Christ we won't need hope or faith because we will have seen Him for which we hope and Him in which we have faith - but love, it will remain!
So, no matter how important hope is to us right now, one day it won't even exist! And we will be known as a community of love!
I hope that I can make my life here reflect these virtues - love, faith and hope - in that order!

Life

2006-01-23T09:50:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it feels as if my life encroaches on my life and usurps me! Let me explain- no let me sum up.
This weekend I had a lot of homework to do, friends to see and then I had to baby sit too! I am trying not to spend money - so the opportunity to baby sit and make a little extra to go to the movies with was a great provision from our Almighty Father. But it made my weekend kinda crazy -
I worked Fri until 7, then went to a friend's house for supper -then ran to a coffee shop with another friend so I could study. I got home at 11pm and fell into bed.
Sat began with work from 9-3 - then off to the gym to run, then babysitting at 7, got home at 11:00- still only read 20 out of 150 pages - still have a 5 page paper due on Tues and a 2 hour class to lead the discussion in - but I go to bed.
Sun - up and out to church - and it was a great church that I went to, and I think I will start going there - then home, coffee with a friend I haven't seen very much in the last month - got calls from great friends while I was there - but my phone was on silent, and then I was too busy to call them back - YICK! I hate that! - then I ran into a friend while there - but had to hurry off - go over to another friend's house - stayed a few minutes - then off to the gym again - and then home to grab the books and take off to study. Left the coffee shop at 11 pm, ran to the grocery so I could make my lunch for today - still the paper is not written, but I fall into bed!
Today starts with a 10-7 work shift - and then when I go out to my car for my 45 min lunch break where I get to see the sky and feel the air, I turn on my car to listen to the radio - and it dies after 5 min. The battery is completely dead! I come back into work and ask about jumper cables - and two people chime in that they have some and will be happy to help! Again, provision from the Almighty!
But, I have a TON of homework to do tonight, I haven't had any kind of "break" this weekend - as usual - and I have a week's worth of reading, assignments and classes to tackle!
Sometimes my life encroaches on my life and usurps me!

The One and Lonely

2006-01-21T07:53:00.000-08:00

There is a song by this title - and I can relate to it in full force today. "Sometimes I feel like I am the one and only, but today I feel like the One and Lonely." It is amazing how these feelings can creep up and bite you - taking over your feelings and projects and perspective of life. The day before my uniqueness was a good thing - something that makes me stand out in a crowd and gives me identity. But then, the very next day, the fact that no one is like me makes me want to run away! I have a deep longing, yeah verily an ache - for someone who thinks like I do. I want someone who thinks about the things of God, who wants to love people even though it costs a lot, someone who wants to go to new places, someone who doesn't cringe when they find out that people think differently than they do. I am glad that people are different from me - I just want someone who is like me! :)
I have found myself telling my friends about things I am going to to be doing this semester and watching their "have fun" faces - I told them about hanging out with my Democrat friend Chris in an openly gay area of town, where there were gay couples surrounding us at the coffee shop and on the street men in drag walk by frequently. Granted, this is not my typical experience in life, but I do believe that these people of "oak lawn" are people - and that God loves them just as much as He loves me! But my friends at school, the one that believe in Jesus "like I do," they don't want to be caught dead down there! But I hung out with my friend, reading my theology book in the coffee shop next to all of these people - learning to love them a little bit more - learning to see past the makeup and the hand holding and see them as people, not sin. But, I want someone to go with me! And then, I told them about how I am going to start teaching ESL to refugees here in the Metroplex - and their response was "don't over-extend yourself" - and I was thinking - I love teaching, I hate not teaching, I need to teach - I love internationals, I hate not being around people from other countries and cultures - I need to be around these people! I won't be over-extending myself - I will be giving myself energy!
But, I have to do it alone - I feel like a freak - the things I love pull me away from my friends....That is not the way it is supposed to be - I am supposed to be able to do the things I love with my friends.
but this is not the case - so today I am the one and lonely!

Slothfulness

2006-01-14T11:28:00.000-08:00

This is one of the seven deadly sins. It has been listed throughout church history as one of the sins that creeps into your life and corrupts. It is a horrible sin, because it is one that often goes unnoticed like the dust on the top shelf and yet it is consuming and often drives many decisions that result in deep pain and even death. This is not laziness, laziness is nothing compared to this! Slothfulness is best defined as "selfishness that displays itself by taking the path that is the "best" for right now." That means that everything is always done for the present gratification. There is no discipline, no reaching for a higher goal, no looking outside of yourself - it is always focused on doing what is good for now. So, you eat what you want, act like you want, spend your money how you see fit, with no regard to the future.
I had to do a project on the 7 deadly sins last semester and when I got to this one I was deeply convicted. I realized that what I thought was "free spirited" was really selfishness. It was like the curtain was pulled back and I realized all the scum that was really in my life! I cried and laid myself out before the Lord. But it was finals week - crazy life and school - and then it was Christmas. I made a few changes in my life. I decided to exercise more, and got some running buddies so that I would keep it up. I decided to stop drinking caffeine because that was just a prime example of only thinking about what makes me happy now. I started making progress in lots of areas - but....There was one that I left off.
This Sunday in church, that pastor was talking about ways we express our loyalty and commitment to God. He said that as Christians, often we come up with ways like "read my Bible," "pray" or "tell others about Christ" but the one we leave out is the one that is the hardest because it requires us to give something up and to invest in something outside of ourselves. But it is also the one that allows us to acknowledge lots of theology - it is very practical theology - in that when we do it, we recognize that we are a part of a Body, that the Kingdom of God is a present reality that we can be involved in and that we are not living for this world and the things of this world - but that we are living for the manifestation of the Kingdom at Christ's return. All of this by simply tithing!
I was deeply convicted. But as always, I left church, got busy and then this week, I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off - so it is grab lunch here, go out to supper with this friend - and I forgot about showing honor to God by not living for myself in the use of my money.
So, God drove it home in more embarrassing ways - having to call and ask my dad for money - again! I hate doing this, because he always is so gracious....But I know that I just need to be more disciplined.
So, I have been deeply cut again - and today I am walking around with a serious spiritual Band-Aid - but I am learning.
So I am going to make some drastic changes - I am not sure what yet...Maybe no movies! No eating out! Maybe live of the 3 dollars a day that most of the wolrd lives off of! But one thing I know for sure - I have to start watching where, when and how I spend my money!
If I am going to live a life that glorifies God in all areas, If I am going to say that I beleive that I don't have compartments for the "sacred" and the "profane," If I am going to say I can worship God in the "humanity" of my life - then I have to get a hold on my money. God wants me to worship Him in this area!
Father -I confess my selfishness in the area of money. Please give me wisdom, give me advisors, give me a plan so I can actuate this change in my life. Thank you for the conviction of the Holy Spirit in this area. ( and God, thanks that no matter how deeply You cut, and how much You amputate, thanks for reminding me that it is Your love that has driven You do it!) Help me to see the way I spend my money as an act of worship!

Serving Jesus

2006-01-13T12:51:00.000-08:00

I was reading some other people's random blogs yesterday when I was at work - passing the time with something almost useful:) And I was reading one of my favorites - daily life in the homeless shelter - a great blog reminding me of the need to really serve others.
Yesterday's blog was nothing new - just a blog about serving others - but something that was said really stuck with me! He was talking about a guy who had come into the shelter saying that he was Jesus. The author of the blog said that he saw this man around town -"For the next few weeks I often saw this guy downtown and he always made me laugh. 'Look,' I'd say, 'there's Jesus riding his bike.' Or, 'Hey, that's Jesus, carrying his groceries home.'" I read this and smiled - thinking it was funny.
But today, I was sitting in class, and we were talking about Jer.. 22:16 where God states that taking care of the poor and the needy is "a good example of what it means to know Me." (NET bible) - as we were talking about this, the blog from the day before got mashed with this verse and the verses in Matthew 25:35-40 where Jesus talks about serving "the least of these" and "ÂI tell you the truth, just as you did it for one of the least of these brothers or sisters of mine, you did it for me.Â"- I got all of these ideas squashed into my brain - and I realized, that even though the blog may have been joking, wouldn't we serve people differently if we thought of them as Jesus? I mean, obviously there are theological issues in saying that these people are "Jesus" - I want to keep the uniqueness of Christ as much as anybody! -but Jesus Himself talks of us seeing other people as important, and serving them as if they are Christ.
I think Jesus probably told us that because He knows that I don't see people as important, and that when I get cut off by a stupid Dallas driver, or I get behind some idiot in the grocery store line, or I get a dumb customer on the phone at my "lovely" job - all I think about is me! I think about how I am in a hurry, or I have been waiting too long, or that I have other, more important things to do! When, if I lived as Jesus tells me, I would think of these people as important - yeah verily - maybe even as Christ Himself - and I would look for ways to honor them and serve them! So maybe I should say "look there goes 'Jesus' taking out the trash" - "I saw 'Jesus' today in the grocery store, he waited on me in line!" - because maybe then I would understand and actually try to love them!

Holistic life

2006-01-12T15:19:00.000-08:00

I have realized this week that we as modern people so compartmentalize our lives, and thus we compartmentalize God. We say that God can't be put in a box, but if He can't fit in our compartment of "safe" or "logical" or "understandable" we bend and shave and twist Him until He does. This tendency bleeds over to our "normal" lives as well - we twist, bend and force God into parts of our lives, and act as if the rest of our lives are beyond Him. I have realized this as I have taken a deeper look at the OT this week. The saints of the OT don't see God at work only in the temple, they see Him as a part of their daily lives. They eat in such a way to acknowledge that they worship YHWH, they dress in certain ways to acknowledge that they worship YHWH, they take care of the poor, they take care of each other, they engage in war and in peace - all in ways that acknowledge YHWH as the central figure of their lives. Nothing is out of reach of YHWH! He is the central and controlling figure in all of their life - He controls the weather, the nations, all of creation, the progress of evil - everything!
But, for some reason in my western brain, I forget this - I act as if my life is separate - and that I can shove God into some corner of it and engage Him when I want. I act as if I have tamed Him, as if this is my show and when I want I can go get God for His amazing act! WHAT A JOKE! I so want to live a holistic life, where God is the center and focus of all of my actions - where my self-absorbedness is no where to be found - oh Jesus! Come back soon!

Friends

2006-01-11T13:33:00.000-08:00

I have had a couple of great conversations with some friends here in Dallas. Conversations that make me think, and that make me realize areas that I need to grow. I have had conversations about theology, about God and how He acted in the Old Testament - stories about how He killed people because they disregarded His holiness - and how hard it is for me to love a God who does things like this. I mean, I would much rather view God as someone who is "safe" - I don't think any of us want to be friends with people who aren't "safe" - do we? But I have realized this week, that I must worship the God that is revealed in the OT, not the God I have made up - not the "safe" God of my imagination.
Also, I have had a conversation with my good friend Julie - and we talked about her boyfriend, and the boys I hang out with. And it was just a good conversation realizing that God is sufficient and that He knows exactly when to bring that person into our lives. It was just really good to talk to her about all that she has learned in this relationship, and how God's timing is perfect!
So, I feel as if I have been learning a lot - maybe like a Dixie cup under the waterfalls at Yosemite - and so much has spilled out! I hope I can act on what I am learning, and really worship God as He has reveled Himself -in all aspects!

my feelings

2006-01-07T07:27:00.000-08:00

I haven't been blogging - partly because I have been at home and have been having adventures in the Gilbert Kingdom, and partly because I haven't felt like it. It seems to me that lately I am letting my emotions run me. I feel today as if my heart has been drained- like the emotions of the week- the highs and the lows, the joys of simple things like Miles Davis and the ickiness of boredom at work, have been slowly evaporating me. There are times that I feel as if I am on top of the world - but then at others, I am shrinking.
The problem is not that I need to make my life "happier" - that is what I have been trying to do all week- what I need to do is rest in my life. To recognize that I can't "fix" it - I can't make that guy like me, I can't make my job exciting, I can't make my life "fun and exciting" at every turn - but I can embrace my humanity, understanding that all that I am is becoming like Jesus - not just my emotions, not just my heart - but my entire being. The way I eat breakfast, the way I drive, the way I work, the way I read, the way I watch movies, the way I talk to friends, the way I live - not trying to make it exciting- can bring worship to God as I allow Him to transform me in all of these areas. I don't want to try to outrun the curse - but I most certainly want Jesus to return to complete my redemption!

Stupidity at its finest!

2006-01-02T13:12:00.000-08:00

Here is an excellent example of stupidity! Last night I was to pick up my friend Chris at 11:50 at DFW airport. I went and saw King Kong with a friend before I went to get him, and I was at the airport by 11:30- so I cleaned out the trunk, put my purse and crap in the back seat, and then I decided that I would put on some lipgloss, I got my purse out and sat in the driver's seat, listening to Aretha Franklin - just chilling. I stood up, put my purse in the back seat - grabbed my book and Cherry Lime Aid and took off - just to discover that my keys were in my purse...Locked in the back seat!
So - I called my cool room mate and asked her to find my other keys, so she could come and rescue me! But, I must have put them in a really great place - because I couldn't remember where they were and she looked everywhere and couldn't find them. So, when Chris arrived, I told him the news - and that I was going to have to call my insurance company to come out with their roadside assistance. He was so cool about it - laughed at me and made light of it - as he called AAA and got them to come out!
We sat on a bench and looked at pictures from his trip, hung out in the cool Dallas air for about an hour until the locksmith arrived, freed my keys and then we went and celebrated my stupidity at Waffle House!
So a good time was had by all - well almost, a better time would have been had if I had been able to get some sleep - but.....It was a great adventure that will not be easily forgotten! :)

Spiritual band-aid

2005-12-19T13:56:00.000-08:00

This week I was sliced by the words of another - not the cut of a reckless sword , but rather the surgeon's knife carefully placed to remove the unwanted tissue.
Let me tell the story- I had about 4 hours sleep the night before because I was trying to get papers and such done for the last week of school. I go into my Greek class, slide into my chair next to my friend Toph and start shooting the breeze. My Prof comes by and drops off my paper - one that I turned in about a month ago. I look at the grade - C minus...But it is passing! So I rejoice! This class has been kicking my butt and I have been claiming "D is for Diploma" for the entire semester! So, that is not what knocked the wind out of me....As I sat in class, I noticed that the back of my paper had a comment on it - so I grabbed the paper out of my bag and started to read - here are the highlights: "this paper was frustrating to read, not because it was not well-written but because of the clear lack of attention to exegesis. God has obviously gifted you in communication - you communicate your ideas clearly and your argument flows easily - but, you have not done any exegesis. Do you not think that if God has gifted you in communicating ideas that you could worship Him by showing honor to His word in exegesis?" OUCH! I mean, the scalpel went in quickly and deeply - removing the pride that placed me above exegesis of the text! I mean, think about it - here I turned in a paper acting like my ideas were better than the Bible's! OUCH! I felt as if I were squished to the size of an inchworm - and that everyone around me saw me for that disgusting person that I am. I knew the meaning of Heb 4 when it talks about being open and laid bear before the Lord - I was naked and fully ashamed at my lack of ability to even argue for myself. I so appreciated the grader's comment because it was masterfully crafted and I had no way to defend myself! WOW! How I do appreciate brothers in Christ! Anyway - I repented and asked my friends to keep me accountable in doing my work as an act of worship -not rushing through it to finish school - but applying myself to learn as much as I can. To worship the almighty God as I do the mundane task of writing papers and reading! It is amazing that God allows us to worship Him in the everyday tasks of life - it is only because of the incarnation that this is possible. It is only because God became man that the activities that we do as "man" can be made holy and can be acts of worship. I am learning more and more that the incarnation is crucial to my theology - it is because "God became man that man can become like God" - I pray that I will use this "amputation" for His glory -that I will strive to worship Him in my daily activities!

Church focused?

2005-12-12T13:27:00.000-08:00

I was reading some random blogs today at work and I came across this phrase "church focused" and I thought - that's it! That is why I have had such a different view of church - because I am no longer "church focused" - I don't know what I am, I wish I could say that I was "God Focused" or "other focused" but more than likely I am just "me focused" - but I am realizing that the change I have been going through is changing my focus - taking it off the church and putting it in other places - this is a big switch for me....Because I grew up in the church and my life revolved around it for 28 years! But now, I am realizing that the church is of vital importance to my spirituality - but that it is not my life! This is a major shift - I go to church to help with my spirituality, not because it is my spirituality - I go to church to find community, learning, and to live as a Body...But I leave the church and I am the Body in my life - as I work, as I play, as I study. And that this is where I find my spirituality as well - not just in the communion service, not just in the public confession, not just in the sharing of my life with my fellow church members - but also as I pray over my lunch, or as I fast for the return of Christ, or as I read my book of common prayer and read the Bible with Christians from all over the world - I am not focused on the church to make me grow - I am focused on the Holy Spirit - living in me, living in others and manifesting Himself in the Church - I am not focused on the church - I am focused on something so much bigger!

Just have to pass it along

2005-12-10T10:19:00.000-08:00

I just found some really cool stuff on Don's website and just have to pass it along - I was able to hear him speak on these things in Dallas a couple of months ago - and I am still trying to make these things real and true in my life
check it out!

http://www.donaldmillerwords.com/pdf/thirteenparadigmshifts.pdf

A Big deal

2005-12-03T09:44:00.000-08:00

You know, as an American it is easy to forget about real life - outside of my materialistic, cushy world - I have been complaining lately because I don't like my job, I want a boyfriend - I know, weird coming from me...But DTS does weird things to people - I guess that is what happens when you throw 400 plus singles into the same square block and give them nothing to do but sit around and chat :) - so, anyway, I have been thinking about how nice it would be to have money to buy a new Christmas CD or to buy a new sweater - because if I have new things then I am new, and my life is new and exciting - but yesterday as I walked into the grocery store and was accosted by a 20 foot Christmas tree filled with toys and candy and things - I was amazed at how consumed we are with ourselves - more specifically, how consumed I am with myself.
Thursday was world AIDS day - and as I 'memorialized' this event I became aware of the fact that 56% of Swaziland women in their late twenties (that's my age) have AIDS! Yeah - 56%! And then, the continent of Africa is struggling with Famine as well, the country of Nigeria is going to lose 1 in 10 kids this year to hunger....They are going to die because they can't get anything to eat...Yeah, that still happens in our world believe it or not. I am amazed at how quickly I can think of only myself - you know, I want a job that is fun, I want a job that allows me to make money and can still go to class, I want to be "non-broke" - not rich, but able to buy my CDs when I want - I want to be able to have days off work, where I can sleep in and do nothing.... All the while forgetting that other people exist, that the world is not going to cave in because I am "non-broke"....I forget that most people live every month on what I pay for rent - that some people would love the option of Chick-fil-a or even rice - or anything to fill the pain that is in their stomach as they watch their body evaporate into nothingness - and I am worried about what? I am worried about myself - as if I am the "supernation" and that everyone needs to be concerned with me and my life! WHAT A JOKE!
I am trying to realize that other people do matter, that I need to arrange my life so that I can love people - and that means that I have to live below my means...Even though I think my means are not enough - that I have to live below them, restrict myself for the good of others - and that I have to do that daily so that I remember that others do exist!
Father - please give strength to my brothers and sisters that are dying with AIDS in Swaziland, give my brothers and sisters hope who are dying of hunger in Nigeria - may the way they live out the last days of their life shout Your glory, scream Your praises so that others will see the hope of our salvation that has been promised through Your Son and guaranteed with Your Spirit!

Feelings

2005-11-28T15:42:00.000-08:00

Feelings are a funny breed aren't they- I think they have to be the most powerful thing in the whole world. For feelings of loyalty to country, people have died - because of feelings of insecurity people have risen to places of power to do great - and awful - things, because of feelings of sadness people have ended their life - because of feelings of love people have done crazy things - feelings! They are really powerful - more powerful than a nuclear bomb! They can wreck your world, they can make your world a beautiful place - they are huge!
but the crazy thing is that they change so quickly! You would think that things that powerful would be hard to change - and sometimes that is the case - We all have known someone who was in love with somebody, and even though it was awful, and they knew it was wrong, they couldn't change their feelings - so they got married anyway. But, often our feelings change with our breath! It feels as though I get new feelings every time I breath in. :) Sometimes this is great - but other times it kicks my butt! I know that I can't live by my feelings - but it is hard not to be mastered by them. This is most clear when I have a crush on somebody - then it seems if they don't answer their phone, or if they look and smile at someone else, or if they call me and talk for hours - all of these things can make my world rise or fall. But the crazy thing is that I call that "love" when really it is simple selfishness - Look at it - if they don't answer MY call, if they don't look at ME, if they call ME and talk for hours - it is not about helping them, it is not about what is good for them -it is all about ME! And how it makes ME feel! What a joke!
I realized this weekend that I have been really selfish and have been mad at people and have thought evil things about people - all because I have a crush on somebody. It is as if I am allowed to think that the world revolves around me as long as that boy is involved. I am an evil person! I am desperately wicked and crooked to my toenails! But, it has been fun to learn this about myself - isn't that one of the reasons that God gave us relationships? To learn about ourselves and how we are so self-consumed! :)

Personal idolatries

2005-11-26T10:02:00.000-08:00

I don't think I have updated my blogging community about my theory of "personal idolatries" - so here it goes....I have been looking for a way to explain "insecurities" because I don't think the the phrase "insecurities" explains what we mean - after all, aren't our "insecurities" actually areas that we are trying to find security in and are painfully aware that we will not find security in them? I think that in my life I try to find security and even redemption in my looks, my wit, my intelligence, my personality - and when I am aware that I can't get security in these areas, then I call them "insecurities" - but actually, because I am trying to find my identity and redemption in these areas, they would be more appropriately called "idolatries" because I am looking to them for my identity and my redemption with others and at times even with God.
So, I am calling them "personal idolatries"
But that is not why I write, I am writing this because I have been consumed with personal idolatries lately - and they have driven my emotions, and I hate to admit it...My actions. I have been made aware of them because of my "bassackward" way of protecting myself - it goes something like this.....Meet a guy, start hanging out, start really connecting, start thinking that I like him, he does something that shows he doesn't like me, I get scared and start thinking that my redemption rises and falls with his "liking me" - so I get scared and say that I don't like him at all and that he is a jerk, then I start to hang out with him again "as friends" and then the cycle starts all over! MAN! HOW SELF CENTERED! I mean, it is all about me, all about my comfort, my feelings of "security" - and no thought of the other people in my life!
I really wish I knew what it meant to love others as more important than myself! I don't know how to love others and not get hurt - but I try all the time....Because as soon as it is clear that things might not turn out the way I want them to, I become selfish, withdraw and protect myself - instead of giving myself away even when it hurts. Maybe, one day, maybe - I will get it and not live the Oprah "live my best life" - for me, making time for me and getting rid of "toxic friends"- but really live like Jesus taught us - to "live to love" - even if it costs us everything - maybe, one day -

Brothers and sisters

2005-11-23T11:14:00.000-08:00

Last year this time, the idea that I was to treat people as my brother or sisters was completely foreign to me....Because in all reality, I was closer to my friends that I was to my brother and sisters. I mean, don't get me wrong...I loved my brother and sisters - but I wasn't close to them. They didn't know what I was thinking, they knew what I used to think, they didn't know what I wanted, they knew what I used to want. They had history with me - they knew things about me that no one else knew....But they didn't know me now. So, I felt as if I should try to love the Body of Christ as if they were my friends, not my brothers and sisters. But this year has changed all of that. This year - thanks to the invention of blogging - my brother and I have been able to share what we are thinking and feeling and stuggling with - and we have been able to share some amazing times - Green and Josh are by far some of my best friends - and they are my family too! I can't imaging what life would be like without them...I call them when I get a crush on a guy, when I am in the depths of despair about my insecurities - they call me on sin, on self-protection, on living for myself. And yet, no matter how jerky I can be - and mind you they have seen me look out for Katy and NO ONE ELSE! And they have seen me walking in rebellion and sin - they have seen it - and yet, they accept me fully for who God is making me to be! This friendship has been like finding a thousand dollar bill in your cracker jacks, or cleaning out your trunk and finding that favorite t-shirt that has been missing for weeks!
I have other friends that treat me this way too- but I feel as if Josh and Green are at the top....Because I know I will be apart of their lives as long as I am alive - and I am excited that they are going to be apart of mine as well! Thank you Heavenly Father for such great friend, brother and sister - because of them I can better understand that You who freely gave us Your Son, will freely with Him give us all good things according to the riches of Your grace! Thanks for such a concrete example of this!

Feeling silly

2005-11-21T14:28:00.000-08:00

I feel silly - I think I could run around work trying to fly a kite inside - or I could put my feet in butter and skate down the hallway in my apartment building - or as if I need to spray paint something bright yellow - or die my hair bright pink - or put on crazy clothes and go swimming - or maybe tie balloons to my head and walk around downtown - What could be making me feel this way? Boredom? Love? Craziness? Take your pick! :)

Friends

2005-11-21T09:50:00.000-08:00

I feel as if I am standing at the edge of the most beautiful lake - a lake so incredible it makes Lake Tahoe look like a pond - and as I stand there, the heat of the day is beating down and I long to get into the water - The idea of the water is so refreshing, I can't wait to get in and let the worries and struggles of my day disappear in the coolness of the water. But as I get in, I feel my breath being sucked into my core! COLD! It is really cold! I stand there for a while, getting used to the coldness and enjoying the change - but then I go deeper - shock again! I feel the sharp intake of breath and let out a yelp! But the excitement of the cold water calls me deeper - it is a shock because of the difference in temperature - but the benefit far outweighs the initial feelings! So I go deeper, with each step, getting further and further out of my "comfort" but being introduced to something that was better than I could have ever imagined!
That is how I have felt getting to know my friend Chris - It has been great fun - and shocking - as I realize how incredibly different we are and how some times we aren't even close to the same page....And then as I continue to hang out with him, we have moments of connection that are as if we have been friends for a long time. We have deep conversations, and yet we can just share stories and laugh with each other! We hang out and I get shocked by the similarities - or the differences - but the enjoyment of the friendship has been better than I could have pictured! It is such a blessing to have friends like this - God is teaching me so much through them - I have learned so much about myself through Chris...He has made me see my friendships differently and also he has made me see myself more correctly and most importantly - he has made me see the God we worship differently. I have learned from him as he has grown over the last few months - and even the changes he has made in the last week! It is always fun to hang out with someone who is being changed into the Divine Image - and this is true of Chris! Again - I feel incredibly blessed and have no way to express this gratitude to him and the many others that God has given me - so, I will have to pretend that sending it out into cyberspace will show them how much I need them and how much I care for them and how important they are to me!

Obligations

2005-11-16T12:47:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel as if my life could be boiled down to my obligations - I am obligated to eat, obligated to sleep, obligated to get dressed, obligated to go to work, obligated to do homework, obligated to exercise, obligated to read my Bible, obligated to shower, obligated to put gas in my car, obligated to pay my bills, obligated to live! It is crazy! I don't know what it is that makes me view life this way - some days I see life as an opportunity to serve others and love God....Other days I see it as some really incredibly boring thing that has to be endured for 16 hours until I can go to sleep and escape it once again! That is pathetic! I sound like I am really depressed - I don't feel depressed, I just feel like the reality of the number of minutes I am going to live has walked up and slapped me in the face, and then the reality of how many minutes I will live and do things that I am obligated to do - like, sleep, shower, eat, etc -has walked up to me and rubbed sour cream in my hair! And the reality of how many minutes I will spend doing things that I have to do and not the things that I want to do has come up to me and put peanut butter in my ears! So - I feel as if I am stupid - I have been slapped, sour creamed and peanut buttered - so I am walking around, with these realities seeping into my identity - I truly need to learn to count the days, to learn the importance of a moment! Even moments that I am doing things that are obligations - I mean, didn't Jesus become man, take on the obligations of man, so that I might partake in the Divine nature? I mean, doesn't God want to make me holy - and this does not mean removing my obligations - so how do I become holy in the paying of my bills? Do I have to become like the monks of the eastern church and spend all of my "idle time"- the time where my mind can be free because of the boredom of activities in this life - and spend that time praying "Lord Jesus, Savior of the world, have mercy on me a sinner!" and say this over and over and over - trying to remind myself, that the sour cream in my hair and the slaps on my face are all for the glory of God! That every minute we have, every breath we breathe - even in the most boring and mundane and obligated times of our lives - are to bring glory to God! I so want that to be true in my life! But how do I make it happen! How do I rejoice in the obligations and see them as much a part of my life as the exciting times? HOW????

Out running my curse

2005-11-12T07:56:00.000-08:00

What is it about me that always wants something more? I mean, no matter how great my friends are, or how great my school is or how great my overall life is - there is always that something that makes me want to move to Australia - because no one is cursed in Australia...Right? I think it has to do with the fact that I have this uncanny ability to look at the good things in life, I focus on those and ignore all the little things that remind me that this earth is not the new earth - and then, things happen...Like I have to pay bills, I have to go to work, I have to not sleep in for a month...And counting, and then I surprise myself - because these things start to bother me, yeah verily, they usurp my life - and then I think "I just need to get married!" or if it has to do with money "I just need to move to South Korea and be with Joe!" - so I am always solving problems with something that I think will solve all my problems! And then I realize that my hope does not lie in the return of Christ, but rather in the hope of being married and having someone pay my bills! How Pathetic! I mean - yeah right! But then, I woller in the fact that I am pathetic - oh! To be able to live with God's perspective on my life, on my bills, on my loneliness, on my friends, on my time, on the minutes that string into days that string into weeks and months and a lifetime - I want to not seek happiness in this life - I want to seek God! I don't want to wish for something more, for something to make me handsome, rich or wise - I don't want to have one had in a pot of gold and the other in the side of Christ! I want to live with seeing all that is in my life - even the details of mortality...I have to eat, sleep, take a shower, pay my bills, do my homework, go to work -even if it is boring - the details of mortality! I want to see these details as Christ did - He did not loathe His humanity, He did not long to be rescued from this world - He understood that humanity needed to be redeemed - not eradicated! I want to long not for worldy pleasures, but for the only thing that can really fulfill - redemption!

How trying to find contentment in this world has led to an influx of comparing and therefore self -centeredness coupled with insane insecurities

2005-11-09T11:56:00.000-08:00

I feel like an early church father with this insanely long title for this blog - but it is very true! I have realized (after two or three really long conversations with really great friends - most recently with Renee' who is in town for a few days!) that the reason I do such horrid things is because I am trying to find my joy and fulfillment in this world. This desire to find my happiness this side of the second advent of Jesus leads me to look around at other people that I think have a happiness that I have not yet found- this is called comparing. So then I compare all kinds of wacky things - like, I am just as pretty as her, so why is she getting asked out, or I am smarter than her and a Heck of a lot better at conversing - so why is he interested in her - or I am really fun, so why does she want to hang out with her boyfriend instead of me - and then, quick as a match flaring up, my stick of comparison has become entrenched. It is amazing, I quickly begin to feel as if I have been victimized because I do not have the happiness that I think I am due because I am at least as good if not better than these other people - yep! You heard me! Isn't that gross - but it gets worse! So then, I am totally only thinking about myself - and then, when I get so wrapped up in myself, that I begin to tear everything apart about myself! Then I begin to see areas that I don't measure up! And then I start to think that no one would ever like me if they saw all that crap...And then it becomes very clear that because of this I will always be lacking full happiness here on earth - and then it starts all over again! YIKES!
all of this because I place my hope in this earth and what happiness I can find in it - I act as if all I could ever hope for is all ready here! WHAT A JOKE! I definitely agree with Sarah - I keep looking for something more! And that something is not a husband, a better friend, a cooler place to live, a job that allows me to sleep in, my book being published, a sheesha pipe or Dr. Pepper - all that I need and want and hope for is really the return of Christ - and forgetting this fact leads to CRAP in my life - so Father, today - could Jesus come back! I really do need Him to- I really do want Him to - I really want to live with Him forever on the new earth - to rejoice in my "whole self" being put right, to rejoice in the fact that I am freed from sin, to rejoice in the fact that I have been made like Him, to rejoice in the fact that I no longer have needs that are not met - but that everything has become Christ -above all and in all!

7 things

2005-11-07T16:04:00.000-08:00

Today I was thinking it would be fun to start some random lists of 7 things - so here is the first one - these will spring up in random places and you are - as always- able to contribute and add your random list to any of these blogs - so join in the fun and embrace the randomness of life!
7 things that I think about carrots:
1. They are orange
2. They are triangles
3. They are good in salads
4. They are fun to eat when you want something crunchy
5. They are cheap
6. They are not good with ice cream, or chocolate, or pizza
7. They do not go well with movies, serious talks, cigars and bathtubs

CRAP

2005-11-07T12:13:00.000-08:00

You know - this weekend I have been smacked against the face once again with my self-consumption! I think I am doing ok, that I am learning to need people, and I feel as if I have learned a lot about allowing people to speak truth into my life. AND THEN....It becomes ever so clear that I am really only in this game of life for me - that I am really the center of my life and that all I do is to make me feel better about myself or about my life. Unfortunately, the person who gets to be at the receiving end of this selfishness is mostly Aaron - I can't believe that I would be so self-centered that I would say things so that I would feel better about my position - even if it brings pain and agony to others - but I do! It is amazing how much I have realized about myself in my relationship with him - and the fact that he wants to be friends with someone who is so selfish amazes me!
the scary thing is, I am sure I am that way with other people - they are just not close enough to me for me to notice - I think I see how I would need to have the mantra "other people exist" because so often in my "movie" everyone is just here for me - after all, I am learning a lot and these people are the ones responsible for this growth (that is the Holy Spirit inside of them) - and they are making me have fun, and they think I am cool - so they are here for me! I forget that they have feelings, they have dreams, they need for me to say that they are cool - and that my focus on myself prohibits me from loving them....But what is worse, it makes me hurt them! HOW CAN I BE SO SELFISH! It makes me cringe -
actually the scary thing is I think this is normal, and maybe even on some level ok - totally expected in the human experience - that is what scares me! I think it is ok....ok to be a jerk if the other person is over-reacting, ok to think about myself so that I don't get walked on, ok to protect myself from the pain that comes from love - after all isn't love "exquisite pain!" - so I walk around with all of these things, acting as if it is ok- ok? Really? I mean, what good is my spirituality, my prayers, fasting, and other disciplines if I am selfish?
Really? Why do I have an expected level of selfishness that is ok - I mean, check me if I am wrong, but I think that Jesus wasn't selfish at all - and am I not supposed to have that attitude in my life? Why do I think that other people should just cut me some slack - is it because even when I am being "unselfish" all I am really doing is saying that other people are "selfish?" - so I am just blaming them and acting like I am wonderful - could that really be possible - have I just been kidding myself that I am learning to be unselfish - and if I am cursed that deeply - how will I ever be rescued from myself! Hurry back Jesus! I, for one, desperately need You to put me back together again!

Fasting

2005-11-04T09:11:00.000-08:00

I hate fasting - I mean it! I hate it! I hate it for a few reasons - One-I feel pathetic that I am mortal and have to have food to live - I mean, come on! It makes me feel really silly that I can't go 24 hours without food - I mean, I can.....But it seems to rule my day - all I can think of is my silly stomach! I feel it grumble all day - yelling to me that I need something to eat! I hate needing things - it is not something I do well- I act as if I am above everyone and everything and can provide for myself by myself- but I can't and fasting reminds me of this. The second reason I hate fasting is that it is hard. I have lived in a culture that has valued instant gratification and serving myself all my life - it is completely foreign to remove something from my life just because - Did I say that I hate fasting? - but you know, I just really needed to remind myself that I need Jesus to come back. So I fast - I try to do this every week now - it has become a part of my spirituality - I have realized each week as I take Friday to mourn Christ's death and to remind myself of the meta-narrative of His incarnation, death, resurrection, ascension and impending return that I realize how much I really need Him. I have realized today that I am mortal and that I do need to be transformed into His likeness at His return. I have also realized that I need to place myself in positions where I have to think of something bigger than myself and my own needs. And fasting does this - I have to think of a greater good, not just what I want right now! It has also reminded me that I need people - I need them to speak truth in my life, to provide community for transformation and to make me love Jesus more! So for that I am grateful for those who have gone before me and have handed down this tradition of fasting.
So, maybe I don't hate fasting - after all, I learn so much from doing it every week - No - check that -I still hate it :)

A great friend

2005-11-02T16:32:00.000-08:00

Today I realized a lot of things - as you can tell by the plethora of blogs :) but one of the things I learned is about how cool God is in giving us friends - I have had some really cool friends in my life - friends that are like the best t-shirts you have ever had-that grow and stretch with you in your life, that have been through the coolest times in your life - and that you love so much you could never imagine life without them! These are the kinds of friends that are comforting just because they are there - just knowing that you can call them makes you smile - and the fun that you have with them is unimaginable and absolutely impossible to explain! These friends are rare - but God has been so gracious that I can say that I have had friends like that in every segment of my adult life! In college it was Adam and Joe, at seminary (the first time) it was Melissa and Katy and Angela and Louise - wow! What a priviledge to know these girls! And who could forget Paul and Donna! What a treasure to be able to be apart of their family- the rest of the world should be jealous! And then in the Emirates it was Vicki and Stacey - these are girls that Heb 11 would fit - the world is not worthy of them! And I could go on - what about Ben and Amy, well placed and impeccably timed friends to make me worship Jesus in ways I could have never imagined! And then I have Josh and Green- they are closer to me than family- and everyone should be jealous that they are related to me! :) And then now, God has placed such incredible people in my life - my roommate - she is more than I could have ever imagined! She loves Jesus the way I do, she is so very practical in her spirituality - and honest and wants transformation, really she does - she wants to be like Jesus! It is such an honor to be in her house! I can safely say that is the reason I have planted my life here in Dallas this semester - and have not planned trips around the world and adventures to faraway schools (in Portland :) - is because I would have my friends no matter where I live - but I can only room with Nicci if I stay here! And then there is Aaron - how do I express that? I can't - but I will try - it is like looking into the night sky on a clear night, and everytime you think it couldn't get any more beautiful, you see another cluster of stars that weren't there before - or you realize the immensity of the night sky or you take a deep breath, snuggle into the grass for the dazzling to reach into your soul - all the way to your toes - and then a streak, thousands of miles away- bursts across the sky- making your heart smile! Yeah- that is what it is like! It has been so much fun to watch God give me this friendship - and to watch it grow, as stars popping out of the night sky- to dazzle me a little bit more! I have hurt him, I have annoyed him, I have made fun of him, disagreed with him more times than not - and yet, the conversations we have make me love Jesus more, and the time we spend together makes me love people more -
I feel like I have just tried to use a Dixie cup to hold Niagara falls...But at least I tried! :)
I am so grateful for these relationships....I am so glad that I have had so many people that these words would describe - and I am so grateful that I could add many more to this list - so don't get mad if you are not on it - it is just that the library closes in a few minutes! :) Wow! I am humbled that God would see fit to allow me to be apart of these peoples lives! Thanks Jesus!

Protest or prodding

2005-11-02T14:52:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I dressed up in my Abaya and went to class. We were celebrating the fact that it was all saints day and we wanted to represent the saints around the world. I was worried, because I wore my abaya to work on Wed. And everyone thought I was dressed as a terrorist. This really bothered me because I knew that the people who dressed like that were not all terrorists. I felt as if my people were being assaulted because of the fear of americans. So I was afraid that the Christians at school would have the same response and I would be angry. But, I decided to wear it anyway. And that was the response I got- people just stopped in their tracks when they saw me - and I was mad and sad! I couldn't believe it! I mean, we are Christians and we are supposed to love others - now granted it is kinda weird to see someone fully covered in the states - especially at a seminary! :) So I was trying to cut them some slack - but I was mad! So, I sat in my Greek class, frustrated with the response I was getting from fellow students - but then my Greek prof did the coolest thing! He said that because I was dressed up and we were having a lecture series in chapel this week on Islam, that we should take some time to pray for those people around the world working among Muslims. So we went around the room and told the names of people that we know that work in the Muslim world. And then we took time to pray for these people! It was so cool! We took 20 min out of class to recognize the hard work of our brothers and sisters around the world! And then, as we were praying, God convicted me - really convicted me! One of my brothers in my class prayed - and he started this prayer with a confession of how it made him feel when he saw me - he said that he was sorry for not having love and feeling a lurch in his stomach at the site of me! It was great! But then, I realized that I was not happy - I was mad! I mean, he had acted like that to me - and that made me mad! But wasn't the reason that I dressed up to make people understand that we have a few sisters that wear the Abaya? Why did I not feel joy at his confession and his statement that he wants to love them? Why? Because I was protesting! I wanted to show people how wrong they were! I wasn't doing this to encourage love - I was doing this to show people how stupid they are! YIKES! I sat there and wept! I had not been doing this to prod people to love like Jesus, I had been doing this to show how right I was!
I realized that there is a big difference between protesting and prodding - they both want to uncover wrong, they both want to encourage change - but protesting does that out of anger and prodding does it out of love - protesting wants to show people that I am right, but prodding wants people to confess their wrongs and have a deeper love! I was amazed at how selfish I had been - trying to prove my "rightness!" - Me, trying to show how others don't love like Jesus - and there I was, angry at them and not loving them! WHAT A HYPOCRITE! And what incredible grace - to show me my sin, and then call me gently to Himself to be more like Him! What an incredible God we serve, Whose love knows no end! May He continue to show me how to live out that love!

Tragedy

2005-11-02T12:50:00.000-08:00

Today I was sitting in class and someone shared a prayer request about a pastor that had been electrocuted at a baptism in Waco. Here is the story - there was a baptism service at a church in Waco and the pastor went to adjust the microphone, the mic dropped into the water and in front of the whole congregation and the girl that was to be baptized, the pastor was electrocuted. He died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital - as you can imagine, his wife and three kids are devastated, the girl that was to be baptized is traumatized and the congregation is in a fog of despair! What a tragedy - so we all bowed to pray for all the prayer requests mentioned and especially for our brothers and sisters in Waco and the immensity of being mortal filled the room - it is amazing how quickly we think that we are able to provide all that we need to exist - and then something like this happens and we realize that we are mortal and that we desperately need the return of Christ to put things right in the world. Then, as soon as people had prayed for that, another girl started praying and she started her prayer like this "Dear Heavenly Father, thank You so much for the beautiful weather, thank You for the rain last night that refreshed the earth, thank You for ..." It was as if we had forgotten the tragedy and had to be all happy about life - YIKES! Have we as Christians forgotten what it means to be mortal? Do we act like we have to be happy and rejoice regardless of what is going on? I feel as if we act like everything is supposed to be honky-dory here on earth and we have removed all need for Jesus' return! I mean what happened to realizing that not everything is ok here - and that we need hope - and that the reason we can rejoice is that this corrupted earth is not our home - I mean, do we not believe in Rom 8 any more?

Freedom or rebellion?

2005-10-31T11:19:00.000-08:00

This week has been an eye-opener for me and my views on freedom. I believe whole heartedly that J has freed me from the law and that all things are now lawful, but not all things are profitable. I also believe that there is no condemnation for those who are J - and that He has freed me - really freed me - and that there is no need to be subject to the yoke of slavery again!
But having said all of that - how do I know that what I do is an act of freedom and not an act of rebellion? We all know that rebellion is wrong - that it is a declaration of my independence and in that way I am declaring that I am like God (this is why Samuel likens the sin of rebellion to the sin of witchcraft) - so how do I live in freedom and not rebel?
Let's take a specific issue - sheesha! Everyone who knows me well knows that I love to smoke sheesha. It is something that I believe whole heartedly that I am free to do - no one seems to have a problem with it except believers who are trying to maintain some sense of "better than you" in their spirituality. So, I am free to do this - but how do I know that I am not doing this to rebel against those people who think it is wrong? And how far do I have to go to prevent this from being the case? I mean, to ensure that I am not rebelling, do I have to not do any questionable activities? That seems to not be freedom at all, rather it is walking in other people's ideas of obedience! Or do I just live in my freedom with no worries about others - that doesn't seem to be Christian either!
I don't want to be rebellious - I think that something we as Christians get to do - that no other religion gets to do - is to willingly submit to our authority. It is distinctively Christian because all other religions either seek to have no authority or they force others into subjection to God or others - but as Christians, we believe I am free in Christ - and I can choose to submit or I can not - so my submission is an act of my will - not an act of subjection! So, how do I submit to the freedom I have been given, and yet not be put into slavery by other's wishes or desires?
I don't know - it is something I am thinking about and trying to discern - but I want to walk with Jesus and I don't want to be known by my rebellious behavior - and it seems lately that the way people know me is by my deviant behavior - I am glad that I am known as one who gives grace and does not condemn - but I hate the idea of being known as a rebellious person! I don't think that is godly at all! I want to be known by the fruit of the Spirit - and one of those is self control - so how does my rebellious activity relate to that?- it doesn't!!!
Is there any way I can do these things (outside of doing them in a closet in my house with no one else ever finding out) ? I mean - is it possible to live in freedom and not rebel?

The vigil

2005-10-28T13:53:00.000-07:00

I went to a vigil this week - I would have written about it earlier, but I had a 20 page paper due and blogging had to be moved back a bit in the priority list!
Anyway - there was this vigil that was held for the 2,000 American soldiers that have died in the war. I went with the people that I met last week from Move-on and this really cool guy from school. Anyway, I called the media and we had the TV and newspapers there - it was cool!
So, we get there and they ask us to go and see if anyone is lost on the square and needs directions to the vigil- so Mike and I go off with this lady who tells us that she grew up homeless, was pimped out by her mom and dad - and then when she went to church she was molested by the priest! YIKES! And the thing is - she still loves God -but she is a democrat, so I am not sure that most Christians would believe that He loves her - :) So then the vigil starts - and a lady stands up and begins to read the names of those who have been killed - the list seems to settle in the air like a cloud of smoke - choking us with the names and lives that have been lost. The anger and hurt was written in the faces around me - I was overwhelmed with feelings - I couldn't believe that I had been turned down by at least 7 people when I asked them to come - 7 Christians who wouldn't come to mourn the loss of American life - I was amazed that these people - most of whom are not believers - were all there to honor life. I was amazed at how I felt as I heard these names, names I have never heard before - some of them Redneck names, some of them Arabic names, some of them African American names, some of them Hispanic names, some ladies, some men - different names, all representing lives and people who will never walk on this planet again. I was in tears - amazed at how many people had been lost! It took over an hour and a half just to read the names, we stood - watched the sun set and the candles gleam brighter - and we stood - in honor of those people - we stood - in grief in pain at the loss of life - we stood - all wanting peace - and quickly.
I was asked to pray at the end - my gay friend who knows I go to seminary asked me to pray - and I prayed that God would forgive us for our lack of love for life, that God would forgive us for not valuing Peace, that God would forgive us for this mess that we had made - and I prayed that He would allow us to value life, to value our freedom as Americans and that He would allow us to live our lives in light of the fact that life is precious.

People

2005-10-24T12:18:00.000-07:00

Last night I met a few people from the organization "Move-On.org" - this is an organization that most Christians do not agree with for obvious reasons (go to their web site if you are not familiar with this organization) I joined this group because we share some common ideology about justice, racism and poverty. Last night we met to talk about a memorial service that is going to be held in Dallas commemorating the 2,000 American soldiers that have died in Iraq since the invasion. It was a time of inward turmoil - as I met these people I was struck by the fact that none of them would be accepted in a church. They were not "cool" - some of them were extremely "hippy," one was gay - and announced it within 10 min of meeting him - and another walked with a limp (so he was not a jock, and he wasn't a nerd either - so he just doesn't fit). As I looked at these people, I was struck by the fact that they have found community in the democratic ideals - and that they would be rejected by the people of God. They would not have been allowed in - mainly because they are not "cool" - it has nothing to do with the fact that they are flaming liberal - but the fact that they are weird, they don't fit into the "normal" in the way they dress, act and interact with others. I was deeply saddened by this revelation. I so want to love them, I so want them to know that God would not reject them the way the church has - I wanted them to know that God cares about poverty and death and justice - I wanted them to know that God isn't a republican - that He is so much bigger than any political party! But how can I convince them of this, when we talked about a new law that is outlawing gay marriage in Texas and they are all big supporters - seeing this as a civil rights issue! How? The complexity of my political beliefs are beginning to take over my thoughts - I think and talk about them all the time! It is great because I am talking about things that are extremely practical - and things that my theology plays into in a major way - it has been fun, but it makes me conflicted - how can I be a Christian and still be a political person? Is there an answer to which political ideals are more important than others? Can I say that the aids crisis and poverty around the world are not as important as Gay marriage? Can I say that equal rights for those who are less affluent is not really that important? Is the only political issue that matters Gay Marriage? And if so - how do I hold to the Biblical ideal of marriage and still really love those who see that as a personal slam? OH! I am so conflicted!

The false solitude of the Almost Winter Forest

2005-10-24T07:23:00.000-07:00

Wisps of golden leaves are scattered before me as petals preparing the way for the bride. I go in, an intruder on this false solitude, anxious to join the community of the creation with its Creator. The path with its roughness and crags once shouted of survival- now covered with a soft blanket of yellow it speaks softly of rest from the heat of summer. My breath quickens with the climb - and with every breath I declare that I am not alone - I breath and declare that I am mortal. I breath and declare that I cannot provide for my own existence. I breath and declare I need
I need
I need
I need
I walk on, persistent - I will not be embargoed - with each step declare that I too need rest form the heat, I too need peace from the struggle to survive. The tress crackle, laden with leaves falling to their death - And I look out over this community of nature
And I walk on in the false solitude of the almost winter forest.

What is it about me?

2005-10-22T09:12:00.000-07:00

Today I am super emotional - it is probably because I only got 5 hours of sleep, I am stressed by the truckload of homework that has to be accomplished this weekend- and I only have 6 hours to do it in....Otherwise I don't sleep again! Or because I am a girl and I can be emotional if I choose - but the particular flavor of emotionalism is that I am looking around at all of my friends and I am seeing them pair up - it seems as if everyone I hang out with has someone interested in them.....Except me! What is it about me? Am I really that bad? I mean- I love kids, love people, love God - or at least I try to do these things- I am intelligent, I am funny, I am genuinely concerned about things that matter- of course, I am whacked, act like a jerk more often than I would like to admit, and have serious self-esteem issues on most days - but over all.....
So what is it about me? Why are all the other girls I hang out with having guys ask them out, having guys interested in them? Why am I the only one who is untouchable? I tell myself one of two things - the first and most likely to be in my head on any given day -is that I am not pretty enough to catch a guy- but the second is that I scare guys off by being opinionated and smart and funny - this is the idea that prevents me from breaking down into tears today - the idea that the guys are the ones that are stupid -but is that really true? I mean, don't we always see people who are 35 and not married or dating, and don't we assume that there is a reason? I mean, if they were the great catch that we think they are, somebody would have snagged them up- right? They must be emotional basket cases, or have serious sin issues - or can't relate or commit to anyone! We don't think it is because the opposite sex is stupid! I mean - come on! Here I sit, about to break down, and all I can come up with is that boys are stupid! That is pathetic!
I guess I could go with the tried and true - and it is true - that if I needed a husband, God would give me one - but for some reason that doesn't make me feel like any less of a freak today!

Belief

2005-10-22T06:50:00.000-07:00

You - know I was reading last night in Blue Like Jazz....A favorite that I am re-reading to make sure I don't forget what it "is all about" while here at school- getting my head filled with all kinds of great knowledge that puffs up - and he made a statement that "what we believe is not what we think, what we believe is what we do. "
And as I drifted off to sleep thinking about this idea....I began to examine my life and see what I do....And I realized that I value money way more than I say I do, and I value "coolness" way more than I say I do, and that I am WAY more self -absorbed than anyone would like to admit! How do I value money?- well, I say that money is nothing but a thing - a thing that is to be spent on others and given way...But the way I spend my money shows that I value convenience over generosity. I mean, I haven't been to the grocery store in weeks. I say it is because it is "just as cheap to eat out as a single person as it is to cook!" But that simply isn't true. It is easier to eat out as a single person, but it is definitely more expensive. So, I value my convenience - I don't think "If I take my sandwich to work, instead of eating at Chick-fil-a, then I would be able to give more money away this week, or I would be able to treat a friend to lunch, or I would be able to support a friend that lives overseas!" No, I think - "it is too much work to worry about lunch - I have too much to worry about already - I will just relax at lunch and get whatever I want!" - So, I say I believe that money is just a thing, and that we need to help the poor, but really I am consumed by spending money on myself!
And how do I value "coolness" more than I value godliness - well, I realized that there are things that I believe simply because I think it makes me "cool" to believe them. Isn't it amazing how in America these days, you don't believe things because you really believe them- you believe things that make you a part of a group....And most of these beliefs are nothing more than passing trends. I have realized that there are things that I believe about people - whether they are "sweet" or they are "girly" or they are "arrogant" - things that are really judgments, not evaluations - and I believe these things about people simply so I can put myself in the "cool" zone - and put them far away from me!
And that leads me to the fact that I believe I am so important - I mean! COME ON! I say that I want to be apart of something that is bigger than me - but how can that really be the case when most of the time I have to convince myself that other people really exist! I go through life, so stuck on my own experience, so stuck on my goals and desires, so stuck on me...That the reality is I act as if there is nothing that is bigger than me! I am all consuming - I am all that matters! YIKES! If it is true that we believe not what we think - if what we believe is what we do - then I guess I believe that Katy is all that matters -YIKES! What ugly sin! YIKES! What a cursed, wretch I am! YIKES!

Movies

2005-10-21T11:02:00.000-07:00

I have realized that our obsession with ourselves goes deep -so deep that we only want to do things that are like us. I see this really clearly in the choice of movies that we make - I have recently been obsessed with seeing movies that challenge me - that take my ideas to their logical conclusions, or that show the disasters of human nature, or just are so philosophical that I am reeling with thoughts and ideas after the story.....But even then, I am only going for me! I get really mad at my friends who don't want to see movies like this - and then I realize that they too just want to see movies for their enjoyment - and their love for "shallow" shoot-em ups is no more a reflection of their self absorption than my love for "deep" movies! We are all going for ourselves - I so want to live a life that transcends my little "self" - I want to be more concerned for others than myself - I want even my movie choices to reflect how I want to be aware of things that are bigger and more complex than my world view - and I want my friends to do the same .....And then we are back again to my self absorption - it is about what I want and how I want my friends to be......Will it ever change? Who will deliver me from this self absorption? Praise be to God - who will one day send His Son to free me from this mortal body and change me to be like Him!

It's funny

2005-10-21T07:07:00.000-07:00

You know it is funny how things work out - I started blogging for the people back home to be able to see what I was learning while I was overseas - now the people overseas can see what I am learning in the States! But more than that - I have realized that I have to blog - it has now become a Spiritual discipline - without this pecking away at the keys. Without this blue and orange screen, without this forcing myself to reflect on my life - I quickly slip into self-absorption. I was talking to some friends this week about how I feel as if I have gotten all "heady" lately - and then, as a good friend does, she asked me "Why?" and then I responded - without really thinking and said - "I haven't blogged, I don't confess my sins any more - I mean, I think that the rate of confession is equal to the rate of spiritual growth." This may sound weird - but I think of blogging as group confession - I mean, I sit here...Look at this screen and pour out my heart to all who read it. I don't want to say that this is as good as confession to "real people" - I totally agree that I need to share these thoughts with the people that are in my life - but I also think that the practice of thinking through them on the computer helps me be able to express myself accurately when I do share them.
So- what do I need to confess today? Well, I have recently been thinking a lot about getting married - DON"T FREAK OUT! I know - it is weird to hear me say that, too....But I have been blown away by the picture of marriage and how cool it is that God has given us a relationship here on earth where we can show His relationship with us! But in realizing that I want to get married, I have realized how self-protective I am in the area of relationships - thinking that no one would ever be interested in me, I claim that I am not interested in anyone.
That is a long story - a novel actually- and I apologize because I do not have the time to go into it right now -
Anyway, As I look around campus, I started looking to see if there were any guys that I could marry - forcing myself to not be a self- protectionist. But yesterday it hit me! I don't know any guys who love other people the way I want to - I mean, I read Don's stuff and I am amazed at his desire to love other people - and I think back to my conversations with Stacey and Vicki and I am amazed at how much they love other people - I look at my brother and Green and think "they really love other people!" but here at school, we love God - we really want to love Him with our whole heart and soul and especially our minds - but people? Love our neighbor? That doesn't seem to be a thread running through the campus. And then the OUCH moment came - I realized that I too have fallen into this trap - I too am only concerned with loving God, my passion for others has fled with the onset of Greek quizzes - I no longer have these overwhelming burdens for people - I was reading Don last night - and the things that used to stir in me, I have to conjure up! I can't believe this is happening! It makes me want to run away!
I don't mean to say that my friends don't love others - I have great friends, some of whom are careful to call out Godliness in me-even if it hurts. Like the friend who asked how much of this thought about others loving people the way I do is really just my self protectionism - what a great friend! And he made me realize that I should say that other people are trying to love others, but maybe they are not doing it in the way I want them too, or in the way that I want to love others - does any of this make any sense? So I am realizing how easy it is to fall into everyday Christianity - without really forcing ourselves to leave our comfort zones. And even though my comfort zone may have gotten bigger, I am still sitting pretty, comfortable and trying to love those who I know how to love - and not stretching myself to love those who I don't have a clue how to love! I wish I could express myself better - but I am out of the habit....So I will blog again tomorrow and hope that this discipline of pounding the keys will become a practice in godliness

A sun burned heart

2005-09-26T10:10:00.000-07:00

I have a few posts that I haven't posted yet - they are on my computer at home that is currently not connected to the globe via the internet and they will remain there until I get a pay check in a few weeks and I can afford to have internet in my house!
But for now, I will have to write when I get a chance in the Library - which seems to be less frequent than frequent. But!
So anyway - I have realized how much I really enjoy having a blog, I love being able to confess my sins to the compose screen and know that in some way I am being open with others and admitting my needs - so here is another one of those days! I have realized that I have heart that is sunburned - you know, when you are sunburned someone reaches out to give you a hug and you recoil, knowing that the pain it will cause is not worth the "good" of the hug. Well, I think that is what my heart is like! I have realized that I have let events in my past - crummy events- dictate how I allow my heart to feel. And I am walking around unable to let people grab me in a warm embrace, unable to allow people to touch my heart, unable to be close to them - all because I have let my heart stay "burned" - it is not easy admitting that events that happened almost 13 years ago have done this kind of damage to my heart - it is not easy admitting that things that people have said and sins that people have committed against me can haunt me years after the event - I agree with Patty here in that it is like I am living with ghosts - all of whom remind me how I am not pretty enough, how I am not going to be used of God and how I am not worthy to be ...... - all of whom spill lies into my head all day long and dredge up the things that I have tried for so long to find redemption in and who repeatedly fail me every time - all of whom remind me to keep my heart sunburned so that I can escape the pain of relationships in the future! But that is not what our Great Savior teaches - He said for me to deny myself - with all of my ghosts - and to live in a relationship where I depend on Him alone for my redemption! He offers me grace - what a great word!- to cover all of my issues - a grace that is just as real as the pain, a grace that is just as real as the sin, a grace that is just as real as my fallen nature - but a grace that is bigger than all of those things! A grace that is more sufficient than all of those things! A grace that is more extensive than all of those things! There is not an area in my life where God's grace is not flowing and changing me to be more like Him! WOW!!! So, I live today, my heart is sunburned but it is healing. I live today knowing that I need people - I live today knowing that I am totally dependent on God's grace for redemption - and I live today -

Great parents

2005-09-14T10:13:00.000-07:00

You know that feeling you get when someone has opened you up emotionally and you are about to lose it...Tears are about to pour forth and you are not going to be able to keep up with reality? Well, that is the feeling I got today when my Dad asked me if I was frustrated with not being able to find a job. I just felt his love and care for me oozing over the phone line and I just wanted to put my head on his shoulder and cry because life is hard, and it stinks and I don't like being a grown up! And then, as my voice cracked with my emphatic "Yes...Dad it is killing me!" He said that he was going to take today to pray especially for me - tears have crowded into my eyes as I am writing this.....You see, dad is sick- he has a cancerous tumor that has been giving him a rough time - surgery, medicine, etc. And on top of that, he is home sick because he caught some virus....And three out of his four kids need money and are looking for work - and he said that as he laid on his bed, in pain - he would pray for me! I just love having parents that love me - and when I have to come to them, tail between my legs - repentant for my rebellion and pride, they take me in, give me grace - offer me forgiveness - and serve me and love me!
Thanks J for such a great picture of Your unfailing love! May you bless me with the ability to love like my parents love me!

Nuclear war on my boat

2005-09-13T09:26:00.000-07:00

I happened today - one of those moments that takes your self-esteem and flattens it! I had a hard time getting dressed today....You know, one of those days when you get dressed and you see every flaw in your body - and amazingly everything you put on highlights these same flaws. I felt like a walking advertisement for body flaws! But, as usual I told myself that I have "kick-tail eyes" and got in my small life boat and went to class. I was impressed that I was able to do this, muster enough courage to leave the house in such a small and flimsy life-boat. But go to class I did, quickly sitting down to hide the pitiful lifeboat I had dragged in with me. And then the prof called people up to get some handouts. It was like it was all in slow motion. I saw her, dark hair flowing, cute little dress, and then she looked at me and smiled and I saw piercing blue eyes! And then all hell broke loose in my head! (NO! I am not telling you that I am gay...Hold on...It is too early to declare the moral of this story) My life boat was nuked! Nothing was left of it - no more "my eyes are cool" because hers are too, no more "my hair is dark - and dark hair and blue eyes are an unbeatable combination" - because she had it too! So, immediately in true Oprah fashion, my keen sense of survival kicked in. I ran through the lists of other life boats I could conjure up to get me through this situation - I am WAY prettier than she is...Well maybe not, better leave that one on the shore...I am WAY smarter than she is - ok that one will do - I am WAY more fun....Ok, getting better and I have WAY cooler toe-nail polish than she does! That's it! A winner! Ok, I was safe - I was not going to be outdone.....But then, I realized that my self esteem was still teetering on the greatness of my toe polish, so I better keep going. I concluded that she must be stupid, a boring legalist and I am sure she is a counseling major who has major needs! And if this is all true, then no one who "picks" her over me is worth my time and effort anyway! Now, I was safe....in my new totally secure life boat, fully equipped with a barbed wire fence to keep cute chic out, even if she is drowning herself!
OUCH! Do you see what I just did? I tried to make my self esteem stay afloat by toe nail polish and trashing a beautiful - and I am sure, Godly girl- who is here at school trying to learn how to serve our Great God better! I don't even know her - and yet I let my need to compare totally crush her and make her detestable in my mind! And how is that allowing me to love others as more important than myself? How is that loving anyone?
What a clear picture of what my lack of recognizing my redemption can do. I had such a need to be an individual, one who stands above the rest - that when offered a chance to see others and accept them for who they are I ran the other way and made them my enemy!
Oh Father! Thank You for Your grace that gave me such a clear picture of how my lack of trusting in You for my redemption does not lead to love and honor and acceptance, but rather leads to hate, and distrust and disunity. I want nothing more than to love You and to love others....But in order for me to do this I have to know that You loved me "just because" and that there is nothing I can do to make you love me more - no funny-ness, no intelligence, no toe nail polish is going to make You love me anymore! You already love me....You love me! And all I have to do is rest in Your unfailing love, a love that reaches down to such a depraved, evil girl as me (who has put her trust in Oprah and puny, pitiful lifeboats) and has given me True Life, True love and True transformation in Jesus! And then, when this transformation starts to take place, then I can have community with others the way You have planned. Not seeking my selfish needs met, but recognizing how great it is to receive the love of God through others!

Friends

2005-09-12T17:55:00.000-07:00

This has been a day of friends - from beginning to end! And it has been a good day! I have seen Katy and got to help her out with Brayden- and then she poured grace into my life by helping me....And then I got a chance to learn how to let people love me because I let a guy that was in a few of my classes help me move my bed in- it was great to just take help and see how the Body is supposed to function! And then I went to Paul and Donna's - hung out with their kids, talked about backpacking and just laughed together! And then I came to campus and ran into Julie and Nicci and then we chatted and laughed - and then - I came in and checked email and I had notes from Stacey and Mona and Doc Harris!
It was great! It is fun to have friends! I am glad that God has been so gracious in giving me so many - all of whom show me how to love Him with my whole heart and who call me to love others as more important than myself!
I am so grateful for these people - I can't express how I have enjoyed bumping into them and allowing them to bump into me and wear away some of my selfishness and pride and sin - it has been fun!

the terror of selfishness

2005-09-11T13:03:00.000-07:00

I feel as though I am on the edge of Half Dome – in the beauty of Yosemite- looking down at the green – so green it hurts your eyes – and the water – rushing at speeds that I can’t comprehend- and the art of creation is so incredible – and then I realize that I am standing on a 10,000 foot cliff! The world that is spreading out before me is dangerously far below me – and to experience it, I must join it – some how……and it feels as if I must jump!
No, I am not suicidal….I am trying to understand how to embrace the life that God has given me, and I am realizing that a lot of me must die in order for me to do that. I just got off the phone with a dear friend and as I was talking these ideas came to my head – ideas that bring such terror, such pain and agony that even to say them makes me quake – but none-the-less they are true! I was talking about the story of the girl who told her husband that he didn’t know her, because if he had to tell her the one memory that really defined her- he wouldn’t have a clue. And then I said that the reality is, my memories that make me think "This is the real Katy!" don’t include anyone else – They are me being silly, me being stupid, me protesting something – and I have been realizing this week that I think that the thing that makes me "Katy" is the thing that makes me different. And although this might sound fun, it means that I am always trying to be different in order to retain my identity – I have to be a feminist, or a democrat, or believe this or that, or ladi dadi da…..and because of that I can’t have true community. I see myself as separate from those around me – a barrier of idenity that keeps me from joining them. I see myself as an individual of individuals – and as I was reading in my church History book yesterday – Christianity is incompatible with Individualism! And as I read this, my heart ached! Because that is what I am, deep down, down to my toes, to the backside of my heart – I am an individualist! I want to be me, no one else – I want to be complete by myself – with no need of anyone! And I am realizing how non-Jesus that is…..and how whole heartedly I have been following Oprah! I can’t express the fear that this brings to my heart – or the ache that it brings as I realize my small capacity for love……I tell myself it is just my insecurities that make me say, "he would never be interested in me" or that cry louder than any voice, "he would never like YOU!" - no ,those are not insecurities, those are lies – lies much deeper than they sound, because they come from a bedrock of individualism – one that states that I should protect myself at all costs, one that states that the pain of friendship and the pain of love are not worth my effort, because I can rise above the need of people….I can be the individual!
And yet, that is all I have ever been…..I have never been one to melt into a crowd, I have never been one to go with the flow of ideas and just grab on like everybody else – I HAVE ALWAYS DEFINED MYSELF BY MY INDIVIDUALITY! And now, I hear that quiet, loving voice saying so softly – but so firmly- "Katy, give it to Me! Let Me define you…let Me show you how your greatness comes in your love – let me enlarge your heart to really love Me….to have a heart that is not strangled by yourself, that is not shrinking because of the dryness of individualism…..Let me make your heart grand – Let Me take you to depths of pain, and yet depths of True Love that you have never even begun to imagine! Let ME define you – Let me make you part of My body – not an individual…Let me make you be my Bride, together with so many others who have come, not by themselves….but by My grace! Let Me make you Mine!"
Oh, Father – that is what I want! I want a heart that is not dulled and hardened because I have kept it so safe….I want to experience Your love for me…by being a people made for Your possession, not a girl made for Your possession – I want to know the joy of running as Your Bride – together with thousands of others who together proclaim that it is by Your Grace – and not our individualism – that has given us this treasure! I want my heart to be exploded into a heart that can embrace and love others! I want my heart to be able to reflect the measure of love that I have been given – no puny, little love…..A HUGE, Gi-normous kind of love – a love that takes me beyond my boundaries, beyond my lies, beyond every anchor that holds me to my personality – every anchor except the redemption of Christ. I want to hold to nothing else…..
So, even though I hear the screams of terror exuding from my heart, and even though the cries of torture and pain seem to drown those screams out….Triune God, I don’t want to be a woman who has wasted her life by holding on to herself. I want to experience the joy of being a "people" for Your possession…..I don’t want to think that You came for only me…….I want to know that we, together, all whacked to our deepest parts, are enjoying the treasure of Your redemption as we pour Your love, Your grace, and Your forgiveness into each other, – and that we catch a glimpse of things to come, when we will truly be Your Bride – clothed in nothing but Your righteousness and You redemption – nothing of our own- and we stand beside You as Your body, a Holy people….to show forth Your praises for eternity!

This Cursed Earth and Sin

2005-09-10T09:57:00.000-07:00

Tears are rolling down my face – my vision is blurry and I can’t see the screen or the keys – I HATE MOVING! It means I lost all my friends – I mean, not lost them-lost them – but lost them! I mean, they are all on another time zone from me – Louise is getting married as I write this, Vickie is on a plane "home" gazing into her engagement ring, Stacey is in Oman getting ready for school tomorrow, and I just need to have a friend here – I mean – someone who knows my wacky moods and can tell when I’m getting off base – and can get caught up in an idea with me…..so caught up that we both talk and talk and then come to some sort of conclusion that is a mix of both our ideas – not just laughing at mine or taking mine as their own – and then I thought…I know I will call my brother! And as I thought this I cried even more….because really I just want someone to remind me who names me – and Josh and Green always do such a good job at that! I mean, they always know how to make me laugh at myself – and can easily point out sin in my life – and yet, they know when I just need them to remind me that even though I need people, I don’t need them to name me! Oh Father – I just wish that You were here, that You could put Your hand on my shoulder and grab me in a bear hug – that I could feel Your Love in Your real embrace – DAMN this cursed earth and sin and all that keeps me from really experiencing that! And yet, I know that the fact that I want others to speak words of truth into my life is such a sign of God’s love for me…that He has already provided that for me! But what if I want more? What do I do with that? I hate feeling unsatisfied with all that God has given me – I hate feeling like I need a man to make me feel worthy in this world. I hate the drive for American women to be married, and have kids and that is what names them – because then we have to talk about it all the time! I have talked more about getting married in the last 4 weeks than I have in the last two years! AND IT IS DRIVING ME CRAZY! I mean, it is "making" me manufacture crushes on guys, making me think that I need a hand to hold or an arm around me – all things I had even forgotten existed! And, when I do remember that they are a part of reality – all I want is to have Joe back, the normal, great guy that he is – who knows me and loves me anyway…..and then it hits me, that probably doesn’t even exist anymore either! I mean….I am sure that things would be just as weird and uuuuuu with us now as ever! SO I AM STUCK! DAMN this cursed earth and sin! I want to know what it is to love and give myself away and yet I don’t know how to do that – and I can’t have a real relationship with a guy here on campus and it is starting to hit me, that my boycott of marriage means that I won’t get to even hold hands with a guy for the next 11 years!!!!!! And then I think – what is so bad about that? Or, I think…maybe not, maybe Don Miller will fall in love with me when he meets me next weekend – see I can’t even get that joke out of my mind! What is going on????? What is happening to me????? I feel as if I am falling apart!!!!! One minute I am as happy as a clam and the next I am freaking out because I don’t have a boyfriend! WELCOME TO THE USA! I don’t like living here in this culture – it is too complicated! I like it when there are only two boys to pick from and one of them is already taken and the other one is not an option – no matter what! I like having a few friends who understand that you need them and they need you – and that are honest and loving and gentle in their rebukes, but most importantly…we have a truckload of fun together and yet are not superficial and fake – we genuinely talk and laugh and "are" with each other – I mean, I think back to my time even in Andrews – Green and Josh and I laughed hard – we played hard too- but we had life changing talks as well……that is what I want! That is what I need! So, why don’t I have it!?!?!?!? Why do I feel as if God has awaken desires in me – to be loved, to be real, to be accepted and considered beautiful and "valued" – and yet, there is no one to do that! Is He just making it hard so I will see that only He can do it? Is He just making me realize that the best is coming with His return? Is He just mean? Am I just stupid? OUCH!!!!!! Today has been a day of incredible bliss and one of incredible pain! And I guess that is what happens when you are human in a fallen world – but I hate it! So once again…. DAMN this cursed earth and sin!!!!

Isn't great!

2005-09-09T10:27:00.000-07:00

you know, I have been learning a lot about myself lately - a lot about how I believe Oprah more than Jesus in lots of areas of my life - I have learned that I have re-acted to male dominance in my life by being "feministic" - I have learned that I have a lot of silly rules about who can be my husband, just so I can protect myself and not let anyone really love me, I have learned that I use metaphors for relationships that don't convey God's meaning of relationships, I have learned that I use the term "unhealthy" as a euphemism for "ungodly" because I don't like saying that I have had "ungodly" relationships and "unhealthy" makes me look better, I have learned that I need to totally trust God - I mean, not just say I trust Him...But genuinely trust that He loves me and that He loves me and that HE LOVES ME!!!!! And because underneath me are His everlasting arms and I am surrounded by His unfailing love - I can trust Him. I can trust Him in my insecurities, I can trust Him with my finances, I can trust Him with my relationships - I can trust Him! I have learned that God's provision is amazing, in that He has given me friends who truly adore me and want me to love Jesus with all of my being! And although I have only known some of them for a few weeks - they have enlarged my heart to love God and others better already! I have learned that I miss my life in the Emirates and my friends there and my conversations about God - and how incredibly grateful I am for the time there to be loved by others and to practice loving them too!
And the coolest thing about learning all of these things is that I would have never learned them if the Holy Spirit wasn't living and breathing inside of me! I mean, I know that it is His work that is making me different - It is His changing my thoughts on people, my thoughts on men, my thoughts on church, my thoughts on Oprah - I know that these things would have never been changed because some guy told me, or because some girl pointed them out - because I have heard them all before I am sure, but this week - God Himself has made these truths come alive and He has changed me to look a little more like Jesus! And How do you express gratitude for that? It truly is dis-describable the relationship that we have with the Trinity!
So, I am grateful- still jobless, wondering how to be a Christian Single in a place where all the girls want to chat about boys, Still trying to get used to American Christianity - but I am learning and God is changing me! What incredible Grace!

Crazy in the head

2005-09-08T13:31:00.000-07:00

The last two days have been days that I have not been able to keep a "real" thought in my head - it is amazing...I am not sure if it is because Seminary really does make you insane, if living on campus has made me lose hold on reality, or if I am just a girl and this is normal every once in a while. I am not talking about being scatter brained, or thinking about clothes and shoes, how to pay rent, major crisis or such while in class - I am talking about having full length conversations with people in my head - all of course to show case how witty, smart and wonderful I am! It is crazy - yesterday, while sitting outside and enjoying the glorious day, I was losing my train of thought - my eyes were crossing the words of the book, but my mind was deep in conversation with a guy I met, or re-living a thought provoking conversation from the other day...Of course changing what I said and did but leaving all the other dialogue the same (this, in case you don't know ,makes you look brilliant!) And today,I was sitting in Greek - after the quiz, thank the Lord- but I was thinking about what I would do if I ran into so and so....THIS IS MADNESS! I could handle it when it was hours of conversation with Don Miller, but now these conversations are taking over my life! I am so self centered! I am so all about me! I want to stop, but at times it is so thrilling that all I want to do is sit and daydream! Oh, my love for ideas can sometimes be a curse! And what about taking every thought captive like the Bible says? Shouldn't I live in the here and now and not in the "maybe someday" - but I continue to live in this daydream world of Katy - where everyone loves me and thinks I am great (believe it or not, that is not true - some people really don't like me and they think I am crazy, after reading this blog I am sure those numbers will increase!)

Stars and money

2005-09-08T13:05:00.000-07:00

I am listening to Patty Griffin - don't you just love how she manages to get under your skin and move you along in her music - it is encouraging, mellow, exciting and thoughtful all at the same time - the true definition of art.
This whole thing started Monday night as I lay in bed re-reading Don's Blue Like Jazz. He was talking about the metaphors we use to explain relationships. He talked about how we always use economic metaphors - you know, "I value you," "he invested in me," "I treasure our friendship..." ladi, ladi, la - so I started thinking about how that has effected my thoughts on relationships - and I cringed! I don't want to see people as monetary things that either increase or decrease my value, I don't want to see them as things I "spend" my time on - I want them to be a picture of the art, the beauty of community that we see so clearly in the Trinity. So, I started trying out a new metaphors - so let me know what you think:
I of course picked the stars and the moon - after all they are my favorite creation outside of people - and as I began to think about it, I saw friendship in a totally new way. What if people shone into your life the Light of Christ, what if they, like the moon, reflected the glory of Jesus onto you, giving you knew meaning and more definition than ever before - what if we saw relationships as expanding our souls in the same way that the stars seem to expand as you gaze on them, always leaving you with the feeling of greatness and awe - what if I saw my relationships as a time to showcase the beauty and majesty that accompanies creation - then my relationships would be beyond "valued" or even "treasured" - they would be ....Well I guess I can use a new word I just learned - ineffable - or, indescribable, - or in the words of a friend here at school "dis- describable" - that is , way past indescribable. Wouldn't it be neat if I saw my relationships with the same awe and wonder as the stars - if I let them contain such diversity, and mystery and beauty? I think that they were created by God to show the beauty and mystery of our relationship with Him - as a Three-in-One - and if I saw them in this way, they would far outshine the sky on the most beautiful night you could imagine - my relationships would truly dazzle!
just a thought - I am trying to think of some more metaphors....but class awaits!

Floating on my back

2005-09-07T17:29:00.000-07:00

I have heard that if you want to truly relax, you have to get in a pool and try to float on your back. We are created in such a way that if we just lay back in the water we will quickly sink...But if we relax our muscles - I mean truly relax all of our muscles- take a deep breath and then lay back in the water, miraculously we float! I think that is what I am learning to do today - to relax and lay back on God. I have been so worked up about my job, depressed by the number of companies that have "rejected" me by not responding to my resume or application - and I was seriously anxious about my bills - I know that God says not to do that, but I was! I mean, I know he provides for the birds, squirrels and flowers and such - but the last time I checked they didn't have rent or a school bill to pay! So, I wasn't comforted by scripture at all! But, today I went out to a park to sit and read. And as I was sitting there a soft, breeze began to flow - it covered my whole body with the sensation of falling into the softest bed, or that great feeling of a baby cuddling up to your neck - the smell of Dallas wafting in the breeze, the caress that I so distinctly felt - it made me stop reading and just look. I gazed that the beautiful trees, the pigeons in the park and a few squirrels fighting over nuts. It was amazing to just relax and remind myself that I am not the only one in this world. I am only a part of God's creation and that He has not forgotten me. So - I am relaxing - falling back into Him (Who is so capable of providing) and taking deep breaths....And floating - well, at least for tonight!

Oprah Bites Again!

2005-08-25T10:10:00.000-07:00

You know lately I have been talking a lot about what I have been feeling, what God has been teaching me and what I have been thinking about …but I was reminded this past weekend that I need to place the focus on glorifying God, not unraveling this passage of thoughts and memories and time in my life – I mean, I went to church and I heard my great friend Paul talk about Jn 17 – and I love that chapter, because it is where J prays for us to have a unity with Him and with each other – but that is not what Paul talked about, he focused on the first few verses where J prays for glory – I mean it is a very clear passage that shows God’s desire for glory – His own glory that is due Him. In the paraphrased words of a great author of our day – D. Miller – it is the most unselfish thing a perfect being can do to reveal Himself to us and allow us to give Him what He already has – as Paul talked about God wanting glory and us needing to reorganize our lives so that they were not about us but about God – I was struck once again about how much of my life is about me! I mean, I know that there is probably some balance somewhere – but I just feel like Oprah has bit me in the butt once again! I mean, if you read my last few blogs you would see that I have been strugglin’ – life in the US, my lack of need of things – people especially- and I have been getting sliced by the HS as He indwells other people and they have brought this to light and it has hurt – the good hurt of a massage on that really tender spot on your back – but none-the-less hurt! But then I went and heard Paul…and it was like – get a grip! You are not a follower of Oprah! You do not have to have everything in your life be about you – time for you to work this out- time for you to think through these things – time for ME!!!! It was like the last few days have been ME ME ME – and I have forgotten that the point of community, the point of transformation, the point of redemption is GOD”S GLORY! Not me! It is about Him…..and all of this focus on me has made me forget that I love because He chose to bring glory to Himself by loving me first and allowing me to have the ability to love others – all so that they can see Him – it is not about the level of community I have, or the idea that the world revolves around me and my ability to decide if I get married to the throngs if invisible men that have imaginary proposals for a life with me - WHAT A JOKE!!!! It is like I am the light in the refrigerator and I think that I am the most important part of the whole contraption - enough said.

Alone in the Library

2005-08-20T12:42:00.000-07:00

Here I sit, alone in the library because it is summer and it is Saturday and who wants to be in the Library? No one - including me, but this will be my one chance to get my blogs posted for the weekend, because the Library will be closed tomorrow - so, here I sit!
I have been thinking a lot lately - mostly made up stories about what I will do when I get to meet Miller himself in less than a month, or what I will say when I meet people in class, or various and assundary positions I will find myself in the next week - isn't our brain a crazy thing? I mean I can have full out conversations with another person in my brain - the other person always saying just the right thing to make me look smart, funny and great to be with - of course! I rarely look stupid, feel nervous or out of place in these conversations - that is probably why I keep having them! Anyway...I have done a lot of thinking about things the last few days - not having a job and not having school will do that to ya! I have finished two books in the last 24 hours and will probably dust off another one in the next 24 hours - not having a TV will do that to ya! Anyway.... My point is that I have plenty of time to think - so I have been and I have realized that I don't like relying on people because I have a basic trust issue - that doesn't just end in my earthly relationships but extends to my relationship with J - I often tell him what I need, rejoice with Him when I see something cool or cry out to Him in worship or pain - but the daily trusting of Him - you know, telling Him I am insecure about my appearance, or my desire to be on that life boat, or my need for people to think I am fun and cool - those are things I leave for my conversations in my head with authors of note and people I think are cool - not with J! And, then I don't really think He is good - whatever Good is...I still haven't figured that one out - but I think of God as more or less an idea that has to be solved, not a friend to hike with - and "good" sounds to me like "mushy" or "sweet" - and I think God is so much bigger than those ideas, so I have a hard time thinking of God as "good" and I am beginning to think that the first time we see "good" in the Bible - at creation - and then the first time we see it with it's opposite - "evil" - in the "tree of the knowledge of good and evil" is really what God wants us to think of when I hear that He is "good" - it is not that He is a mushy guy, or super sweet to all around Him - but rather that there is nothing evil in Him and that He can be trusted - That He is love, light and all that is right - and that is what He wants me to actively believe about Him and live as if it is true - but I am a far cry from trusting Him that much - I am afraid of what adventures that faith might bring - so I am launching another treck through the Gospels, to see J as "One who is to be trusted" - I am anxious for this lesson of the Spirit to burn deep and get rid of all that keeps me from loving deeply and walking securely in my faith - It is painful, walking with these "spiritual band -aids" but it is such a joy to know that He is calling me to a deeper relationship with Him...And that this hike is for that - a relationship that shouts His character..Not mine...His security..Not my insecurities...His fame...Not mine....

Friday nite

2005-08-20T12:41:00.000-07:00

In my lap lays the hose for the shisha pipe – yep, I broke it out in Seminary housing! But I am discreetly locked into my room – so no one will be the wiser…as long as none of you tell them! The computer screen reverberates with Wilco’s electric mellow sounds and my head has the faint fog that comes with inhaling shisha too fast! The haze in the room is due to the fact that I have opened the window and the humidity of Dallas is flowing into the room, even though I am on the fourth floor. It feels a little like Dubai, just 20 degrees cooler! People are still amazed at my ability to not think of 97 as hot..but soon I will be amazing them at the fact that I think 70 is freezing!
Today I went for a hike at the Cedar Hill State Park – the biggest hills in these parts – not any bigger than the dunes immediately outside of Al Ain, but a hill none the less. I was amazed first at my lack of enthusiasm at seeing the green and the lake- it is quite disturbing that I have adopted other people’s longing for “true nature” – you know the trees and cliffs of Yosemite, the mountains of the Cascades or the Rockies – or even the tree covered mountains of NC…yet I am here surrounded by trees and even a lake – I mean a real body of water…and I was comparing it to “prettier” places I have been and it didn’t measure up – but I quickly applied my newly learned skill of noticing when I am comparing, and just decided to enjoy it for what it was – and then I saw incredible beauty...you know Dallas has these trees that are really different from trees that you normally see. Their bark is dark and lays piled on top of the trunk in such a way that it looks like a fur that coats the tree. And the shape of the trees are so unique – they stretch and turn in ways that most trees would never dream of – with the end result looking like a furry monster reaching up out of the ground, contorted into various positions and covered in tiny green leaves. They are comical, scary and entertaining subjects to observe. And then as I was pondering these great creations, I rounded a bend and then was in the midst of this forest of tiny sticks of trees – and immediately the air took on that mysterious quality that only a forest can bring, sunlight streaming through the leaves, leaving shifting shadows on the ground and actually turning onto beams in front of you eyes – it was awesome. I just stopped in my tracks to enjoy it…it was great! I set out on this trip because I have had a huge need for nature, to worship God in his creation and to think, uncluttered by traffic noise and people….it means a lot to just be able to hear the rustling of a grasshopper before it jumps to the next blade of grass – an to watch its path as it pushes the tall blade down, just a bit, under the slight weight of its body – and to feel that creepy feeling of a spider web across your face and then trying like mad to get it off of you!
The last few puffs of the pipe…ahhhhh shisha!
I seem to be a ball of emotions today – I have been reading a lot, Don Miller, Pastor Rick’s book – and it has occurred to me that I might be running from true community because I refuse to let people really love me – I mean, it is hard for me to take things from people – I feel when I do that I have to do something to earn their respect for the gift that was given me…. And then the thought occurred to me that maybe my boycott of marriage could be this too…I mean, what if I am running from marriage because it means that I would have to let someone love me! And then, what am I supposed to do about it – I mean I haven’t had many proposals lately…none to be exact – so how do I allow the possibility of marriage without getting consumed by it? How do I let people love me? And how do I receive grace? I mean, how do I let God’s love into my life in such a way that I am not trying to earn some kind of future blessing from Him too? So…..the shisha is finished ……….

It' great to be bloggin again!

2005-08-18T14:23:00.000-07:00

I feel as though I have been given a new toy and can't stop playing with it - I have so missed this daily dumping of thoughts and actually thinking about my life instead of just letting it pass me without notice - Today I was driving around, trying to decide if I was going to apply for anymore jobs and a thought occurred to me - I know why I hate job hunting! This basic act of survival strikes deep to the core of my most basic insecurities - one that I will have to rely on someone else for life and practice - this one is true despite all my talk about community and such - I hate rely on people! And two, that I hate rejection - so job hunting is basically like going around telling people that you need them and then letting them tell you that they don't need you! YIKES!!! I hate it! But, I am learning a lot about letting people help me - how this is essential for community - and for dealing with rejection - after all I am not in the life boat - right? So it has been - and will continue to be - a great learning experience - well, I don't have much time because I am still enthralled with miller's new book and have to jet off to read it -

the lifeboat bites again

2005-08-17T10:50:00.000-07:00

The life boat is alive and kicking! I mean, I read about it in the Emirates and thought “so true!” and I struggled with it there – but in a different way –for those of you who aren’t Don Miller fans – HARAM! Or WRONG/SIN – run out right now and get “Searching For God Knows What” – his second book – or write me and I will send it to you! (there is a copy floating around the Emirates, just so you know) – Anyway, he has a theory that I have totally adopted because I think it speaks so clearly to me and my comparison past-time. He talks about how when we were in 7th grade, we had this riddle about being in a life boat, and having a doctor, a lawyer, single mom, and a janitor with us. Of course there is only room for 4 people- so somebody will have to go – who would we kick out? And then he talks about how we then live our lives as if we are on that life boat – always trying to gain position so we won’t get kicked out – making sure that we are not last on the list or our life might be in danger! But, then he goes on to talk about how J did away with the lifeboat – He called us what we are – sinners – and then took our wrath so we could become His brothers and sisters! So, we no longer have to find our place in the lifeboat, but can rest in our relationship with J – this sounds really great and it is – but living it is a different story – I have had many life boat drills since I have been back in the States – issues with my family- ranking how much time they spend with each member making sure I am still way up in the Lifeboat – issues with not having any keys – to anything – and that must mean I am not important and would be seen ejected from the lifeboat at any minute – But being here at school it seems the Lifeboat is back – and bigger than ever! I went with some girls to watch a movie in the common area last night – we have a big screen TV and it is GREAT! But, when I walked in with my friends, there were people there – all of whom they knew…and I didn’t – so I began immediately to feel this pressure in my chest as I grabbed the Lifeboat for all it was worth, envisioning the tug of all those people trying to get me out of their boat! So, I began to make conversation – hoping of course to win others to my side who would come to my defense when the “hurl her overboard” was called – so we were getting ready to watch movies, so we started talking about movies - I love movies, so I chimed in…we talked about this one, and that one and that one – and then we started talking about comedies – and I wanted to join in, so I started talking about some of my favorites – but as soon as I opened my mouth all the names of those movies fled my mind – it was like I was seeing the movie but all the faces were smudged blurs and I couldn’t remember even a way to describe who was in it! I of course began to blame this immediately on Vic and Stacey – who should have kept the important subject of movie material in all of our conversations so I would not look like a dork upon arrival in the US! (Joke!) A mad grasp at the lifeboat once again! So, the movie began, I was saved from the idiocy I had made – so as I watched the movie, I began to think about what had just happened – my first reaction was to get on a plane and fly back to my friends who accept me and love me and want to watch movies with me even if I don’t know anything about them….but that is not possible, so I sat, glued to the seat – but then I started having longings for friends here – ones that I know love me and want to hang with me, like Paul and Donna or Katy – and then friends that have left here – like dear Melissa! And then it hit me – I want my lifeboat back! I want my place where everyone likes me and I am not in danger of being hurled overboard! WHAT A JOKE! Here I was, presented with opportunities to get to know people – all followers of my God, all living within 1 mile of my house – some in the same building I live in – and I was too worried about how they would like me to even try to love them! I wasn’t interested in them, I wasn’t wanting to get to know them and their differences – their ideologies and their traditions, their understandings – NO! All I wanted was for them to like me! WHAT A SELFISH PIG I AM! I so wish I didn’t do that, I so wish that I knew how to love - with no self interest – I wish that when presented with people that I know love J (something I am not yet acclimated to) that I would reach out and want to know about them, truly know about them - not just so I can say “oh, well I do that better, so they will be out of the boat before I am – nanny nanny boo boo!” But such is my life – the wretched sinner that I am! I am so glad we are all “crooked deep down” in the words of Derek Webb – so, today it is my prayer that I would begin to spark an interest in those who are different from me, who might not agree with me, who might want to throw me off – and to try to love them – not for my reward, but because J loves them and the HS is working inside of them and the Father has created them - so they are part of my community for eternity!

I am bloggin again

2005-08-17T10:49:00.000-07:00

So I am sitting in my room – the lantern I bought at Global Village lit up in the corner, the opposite corner has my shisha pipe – and Patty Griffin is playing through the computer speakers – I am in Dallas – I live here now! It sometimes takes me of guard when I think about it – no more round abouts, no more call to prayer in the mall, no more shisha “bars,” no more house church, no more…..the list could go on!
I was thinking about this on the boring drive to Texas – Louisiana and Mississippi don’t have much to offer as far as excitement on Highway 20 – so mingled between the pines and swamps my mind drifted to the differences that I have experienced since I have been here - the fact that I registered my car in 20 mins, the fact that I rode on the highway for 16 hours and NO ONE flashed their lights at me to make me get over – and then the fact that in the 16 hours I never once left the country – the green, the trees, the humidity, the cool temps of 95 – and then as I approached the Texas border, a beautiful streak began in the sky and darted off to the ground – and then more followed and I was greeted by a first class Texas thunderstorm – streak lightning and everything! It was wonderful! It has rained a lot since I have been home- at least once a week – that takes some getting used to!
But, I have settled as much as I can - I will say “In the Emirates” for quite some time, and I will think of the Al Daheri and the Al Shami family and will lift them up to our Father – and I will hear someone say “habibi” and I will smile as the deep parts of my heart resound with aches for “home” and echoes of joy for those few days I was able to experience life there!
I am back in the throws- money problems, so I feel almost normal – I guess. It has been hard to explain what happened to me while I was gone – I mean, I run into friends here and I think that everything is the same as it was – but then I am not the same as I was – so it can’t be the same again. I read Don Miller’s new book today – rather I started it- Don’t worry Stacey yours will be coming soon J – and I read about his trip to Oregon and his desire to leave – and it was like someone was calling my name – I read what I have experienced as I was “shaped by my experiences. Our perception of joy, fear, pain and beauty are sharpened or dulled by the way we rub against time” and I was shaped by my time in the Emirates – I look forward to looking back in the years to come to see how those few months shaped my life, how those few precious people changed me and how my thoughts in the desert made me walk differently in the present – so, although I struggle with not being there – with being back here with more years to struggle over books and heady things – I look forward to how God is going to change me as I “rub against time” here in Dallas- these few months, these precious people and this walk in the city – and how it will change me - It will be fun to look back at these experiences and think about how they have shaped me!

ketchup

2005-07-21T10:20:00.000-07:00

I am ust writing a quick note to say - ouch! I am learning a ton, figuring out who I am now that I am a different Katy than the one who left the US about a year ago - trying to visit family, smoke shisha and figure it out - I have a ton to blog about, and no time to do it! But, I will be heading to school in a few weeks and I keep telling myself that I will ahve ore time then - we will see! All I know is I miss Al ain, I miss my community there and I miss BBC prime and 24 and I miss taxis and the heat - yep! I just miss it! So there it is - a catch up blog stating that I will catch up later!

Goodness?

2005-06-15T06:52:00.000-07:00

What the heck is goodness? I mean we know God is good - and it says that "goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life" and there are all kinds of verses about "good" and "goodness" - but I have forgotten about the verse in 2 peter that says add to your faith ....Goodness! And then when I started thinking about it - isn't goodness a fruit of the Spirit? But when was the last time your heard someone say that God was teaching them to be "good" - but we know that it is a quality of God - because J says that only God is good - so in our transformation to be more like J, shouldn't we become "good" - and if the Spirit is making fruit in us, shouldn't we be getting more "good?" - what the heck is good? What does it mean to be good? I don't know, but I am going to find out - so if you want, chime in about the meaning of good!
so what brought this up? well, I have been doing a lot of crap for my sister as she is trying to move an entire household of goods out of the country in a few days - and I am trying to pour my life out with my friends here before I leave the country - and I am trying to get shisha every nite and pack my things as well! So I have been very busy - and when I get really busy - especially with things that I think are crap - like packing my sisters stuff, selling it - when I know that she will be mad that I haven't made enough money or didn't think about shipping it - or didn't call the right movers or threw something away that she wanted to keep - and all of that is going through my head when all I want to do is chill and hang out - and I started thinking about how do I show that I love her through all of this - and then I started thinking about that verse and I was completely stuck - because I have no idea how to be good in the midst of all of this! I don't know what it means to "be good" - I mean, when my dad used to say that, it meant "don't disobey" and when I told my students that, it meant "sit in your seats and listen" and if I told my friends that, it would mean "I am being silly" - so what does it mean when God says "add goodness to your faith?" And how does goodness differ from Faithfulness, or Kindness - I mean, what does it mean?
So for the next few weeks in all the "free time" I will have in traveling and making preparations to travel and watching Ris' kids once I am back in the States - I am going to look at this idea in the Bible and see what I can find!

What a day!

2005-06-10T11:50:00.000-07:00

Today has been a day with a full range of emotions - let me set the stage....I got in from a great road trip last night at 1:00 am - and I had been up till 12 the night before that packing my crap and my sister's crap - I had also been to the post office in 114 degree heat that morning to send some packages on their merry way back to the US - so I had a very busy weekend- not a moment to spare ...Literally! So, I was beat when I woke up at 8:30 this morning - I wanted to stay in bed but the "achiever" in me started spitting out the "to do list" the minute my eyes were open and I couldn't get back to sleep. So, I woke up and got ready for the crowd that was soon to descend on my house for our "Friday meeting." I began to get the rest of my "souk" (the Arabic word for outdoor market/store of any kind - of course mine was in my bedroom....But none the less a souk!) and finished making the coffee, the tea, realizing that I was out of drinkable water and milk - a problem when you want to offer your guests cream to go with their coffee - but, I have learned that Martha Stewart and I will never be the same, so I am used to not having the "perfect" entertainment experience - so anyway....Back to the range of feelings. So, people show up and I realize that there are guests - not a regular event - some friends had people visiting them from the US and one of them was going to speak to us - it was different but I settled in quickly and learned a bit from the guy - the main thing was that I realized I completely ignore a passage in scripture that tells me how to grow in my likeness of J - 2 peter 1 - but that is another blog because - then I left this to have a time of prayer with the girls - and it hit me....I am leaving! I won't see these people! YIKES! I love them and they have added so much to my life. I may have only known them for a short time - but I love them and they love me and I am leaving them to go home to a place with no friends, no money and no life because I have to do so much! yick! And then the madness started - where are the plates? Do you have pot holders? How do you turn on your oven? Where are we going to eat? How much does this cost? yada yada yada - But I love it when all the people are enjoying themselves and having fun - it is great! In the midst of this one of my friends caught me and asked how I was doing and referenced some of my blogs - to let me know that I couldn't shit him - he knew I was having a few bum days - and as I started to explain what was going on, I was fighting the tears - I don't know why...I mean I can't wait to get home... And yet I feel as if a chapter in my life is ending and the things I learned here are so precious to me that I feel as if a return to normal life will return me to my normal relationship with J - and that scares me! Maybe that was why I was battling with tears at the thought of packing my crap - or it could be because I am a girl and we do inexplicable things like that! So anyway we ate, and then played a game - all of us that are leaving soon - and then people started to leave - but a few hung out and we chatted about assorted things - and I was alone. But I didn't have to stay that way, we all hung out again tonight and watched 24 - and it was great to be around people - I guess I feel as if I am in a community vacuum, or as Vicki would say"I am becoming increasingly aware that I live my life alone." I guess because I am single and I can "pick up and move any time I want" means that I often have the attitude of transience and lack of permanence. However, I am realizing the importance of maintaining relationships - these people I walk with here are the only ones who have held my hand as I walked through tough issues in my theology - and no one else can understand that the way they do - and if I was married I would have someone to go to the next place with me, who understands what I have been through and where I am headed - this DOES NOT mean that I am itching to be married, want to be married or am even considering marriage in any way - I am simply saying that is the truth - so....Since I want to be single - for right now until I am 50 :) - I have to think about how I combat that "weakness" in my singleness - and I know that as I take these pictures that are so important to me right now, that in a year I will be thinking "I can take that one off my board - I haven't even heard from them in 3 months!" but I don't want that to happen! So, I don't know what I am going to do - but I have to do something to make sure that these people are still apart of my life and that I am still apart of theirs! Because I want to be reminded of all that God did in me throughout this community! But it is late now and I have a boring day at school tomorrow - so I have to sleep! :)

Life

2005-06-06T07:39:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I am hit with the realization that my life is boring - I mean, I have friends, a job, I spend my time in other ways besides in front of the TV - I mean, I have been so busy that I haven't been able to blog! - but my life is boring! I mean - I feel as if nothing significant is happening in my life. I mean - I went this weekend to a really cool hotel and spent the weekend with friends in Dubai - but then I returned to normal life and it tends to be boring! I go to work- and mind you I am at the wonderful time of the school year, that means I go to school and do nothing because the kids are gone - so even work is boring! so tonight I finally have time to sit and do nothing and I realize that all that I have done lately is relatively boring! and I really hate that! but i have nothing else to say!

I am too exhausted....

2005-05-24T10:05:00.000-07:00

I am too exhausted to blog - yes! It is nine o'clock and my body is screaming for the bed- and seeing as I have a crap day again tomorrow - a concert for my class - decorations, 22 kids in a small space that have to bee kept quiet for 4 hours - oh, did I mention that they are 5 and that they don't speak English and that they are Arab and have very little discipline at home without being yelled at or hit? So anyway - I have a crap day tomorrow - and I got my hair cut really short - and in the states it would be a really cool cut - but here The other workers just look at me like I am a freak and the people I work with think it is funny and I don't know what I think anymore - such life boat issues kill me! And then I got a call from my sister - who I "rent" from - i.e. I pay their bills for them and go in debt in the process - but anyway - she calls and tells me that I have the great possibility that I will have to move out of my place in a few days! Yea - you heard me a few days! Yikes! But I don't have time nor energy to think about that tonight - so I am going to flee my life and go to bed - lose my self in Sherlock Holmes and dive into the blissful gift of sleep - and wake to be 12 hours closer to my awful day ending and school being officially over! Praise the Lord!

Something worthwhile

2005-05-23T09:14:00.000-07:00

It is funny how I feel the need to do something worthwhile- I mean, I went to work today, "sample packed" my stuff to see exactly how many suitcases it was going to take to get home and then went to the tailor to get the costumes for my concert on Wed. Night and then I made a quick stop at the grocery store - but even then I still feel as if I have done nothing all day - I think it is because I haven't learned anything today - I mean consciously. I am sure I learned things - but today I feel the need to blog so that I can so something worthwhile and re-hash what I learned. So- what did I learn today - I can't think of anything really....But I have been thinking about what I would blog- and I remembered what I read in Francis Schaffer's book - True Spirituality - I have been reading this book for a while- and yes I should be finished by now - but I have read a few books while I have been reading this one - I mean - I am also reading Sherlock Holmes and I read that book about Anglicans - so anyway.....I was reading that FS book and I read a line that took me back. It was so simple and yet so new- it was so true and rang with its trueness and yet I felt as if I had never seen or heard anything like it- but it was so simple that I am sure I have heard it over and over and over. But I read this line and I read it again and then again. It went something like this....We are not just collections of isolated parts. "there is a Francis Schaeffer who is neither just a collection of isolated parts, nor yet just a flow of consciousness. Anything that hurts that unity is destructive of the very basic thing that man is and that man needs to be." p. 123 as I read this I thought about my life - I mean I often segment my life - I like to pretend that I have one part of my life that goes to work, another part of my life that plays with my friends and then another part that delves into theology and loves ideas. But this is not true - and actually the part of me that likes to segment my life is the part of me that is destroying the unity that makes me "man." I mean, the fact that I can think about my life this way shows that I am trying to find continuity between all my parts - and when I can't find it I separate my life into parts that make sense. But it is this sense of "disunity" that drives me to different jobs, different countries and different adventures. And all the while I am really seeking being "whole." I mean - I just want to be the same person in all the different places and things in my life - I want to be authentic and whole. I think this is why I long for community - with God in worship and with others - because that is the only way that I see me finding the key to "wholeness."

I wish I could.....

2005-05-20T00:19:00.000-07:00

You know, some times I wish I could do a lot of things - I mean - who wouldn't want to ride in a hot air balloon over the continent of Africa, or go to a Patty Griffin concert and smoke shisha, or live in the mountains as a hippy for a few years - all with satellite internet so I can blog every day! Or a whole lot of other things! But today, I wish I could write poetry. I mean, I don't want to be a "Sylvia Plath" or a "Lord Byron" but I would love to be able to write what I am feeling in a way that doesn't try to explain it but lets other people feel it. I mean I read someone say once that they feel like and empty hallway - and I thought yeah! I feel that too....All the possibilities lie ahead of me - and I sit in an empty hallway until they actualize - But just saying "an empty hallway" is so beautiful! It explains it without explaining it! I wish I could do that ....But when I think of what I would say it is.... So silly and just so self explanatory it feels like I bought the metaphor in the cracker Jack box! I mean - part of why poetry is so great is that it expresses it in a way that you would not have thought about otherwise. So, I will just keep reading poetry and then maybe I will "get it" and be able to write and express myself that way!

2005-05-18T10:59:00.000-07:00

So, today school was awful! I spent over 3 1/2 hours outside and the temp was 115!!!! So I was very hot, tired because today is my "Friday" and I am so ready for the kids to leave school and me to be on my way home! Also, I learned that my sis is probably not coming back- so that means that I will have to spend time packing her crap - and my crap- as we will be packing up all of our lives here - which is sad!
I don't have anything major to write- But, I did go out for shisha again tonight - with about 7 other ladies - all from the levant - and there was a lot of Arabic being spoken and I was just struck once again by how great it is to live in this country - around people who are not like me, who talk differently, who laugh at different things - it is such a great reminder that life is not about me! I mean - it is hard to think that life is about you when you are confronted with the fact that all the people around you speak a totally different language!
and you know, I have found that God is so good- I mean He is good to me in so many ways - by providing this experience for me, for my health, my voice - that although at times it feels as if it is going to vanish, always manages to hold on for one more day - and for my friends here - I have made such good friends that I will love and cherish for the rest of my life! And not only that - but He has given me things that I thought I would never have! I mean, shisha - that is definitely beyond my wildest dreams! Friends to blog with - I mean, come on - who would have guessed that blogging would make me think about J in new and different ways - and think about my obedience to Him in revolutionary (at least to me) ways!
I told you that there would be nothing "amazing" about my blog today - but here it is!

valetudinarian

2005-05-14T09:02:00.000-07:00

well let's try this again! This is the second time I am writing this because my computer is crap and I lost the first attempt! That is a word I learned today - I learned it in a Sherlock Holmes book - it means chronic invalid. I think it is fun to use because I remember as a child my older sister reading Sherlock books just to learn new words- so I think it is cool to use a big word that I would have thought was cool when I was a kid. How whacked can you get?
Anyway - I have been thinking a lot lately about the gap between what we say we believe and what we actually love like we believe. And one of the areas that seems to come up again and again is the "physical and the spiritual" - today's version of it is how do we have both in worship? I mean, I have realized that I don't give the equal footing or importance in my life - I mean, I don't think about my body being a spiritual temple when I reach for fries and a coke - even though I believe that it is. And I don't live like it is going to be an eternal instrument for me to use to worship - I act like it is not important at all. So what does this have to do with worship - well, I don't think that the way we worship reflects what we believe either. I mean, mostly church is a passive activity - we stand, we sit, we sing, we talk, we listen- that's it. It is mostly a "heady" thing - not something really physical. But I don't think that is the way the NT believers thought of their gatherings - I mean we read of suppers where they celebrated communion together - and then in Hebrews it talks about incense and such being used in worship - in the temple - but maybe in NT worship as well. And it just made me think that communion is the perfect blend of this reality- apart from J of course!- but think about it! I mean, we touch it, we taste it, we chew - we smell the bite of the juice - or wine - and it is very physical. I mean, we don't think we can just sit around and think of the death of Christ - or even of the wine and the bread- and call that communion- even if we all did it together! I mean, we have to have the physical elements! But, they are not just physical- I mean the spiritual reality behind them is just as clear in our mind as we take them- they are both spiritual and physical at the same time - the same as we are! And I think that celebrating communion - with others and the fellowship that it brings - and the reality of the 3 that we celebrate as we eat and drink - the idea of the gift of the Father, the death and resurrection of the Son and then the indwelling of the Spirit all being seen in the act of taking and eating together - I think that doing this more often would help me bridge the gap in my daily life! I want to go to a place that embraces physical worship as well as spiritual worship!

What I have been learning

2005-05-12T00:02:00.000-07:00

This week has been a weird week where I haven't even really thought about what I have been learning- but aren't we supposed to learn something new everyday? I mean, this week has been pretty average. I have gone to work - against my wishes- everyday - and I have been on walks, been out with friends and had a good time. I am counting the days until school is out - and that means I am counting my days until I can go home - but I am beginning to get a little stressed about going home and all the culture shock that will result with the 1000 candy choices in the 7-11 and the radio stations, and eating out joints! I mean, richness brings so many choices and I have been out of the loop of these choices lately (haven't been to Dubai in over 7 weeks- so Al Ain has been the scope of my world) But I have learned some things - I was thinking about this on my romp last night - I have learned the benefit of sitting and talking with people - this culture values that much more than my own. I mean, here you see men just sitting on the side of the road - or like last night, sitting on the side of the fountain outside of the grocery store. They were just sitting and talking - no real reason, just to talk. I don't think that we do that enough at home - it seems we have to schedule coffee to catch up - but we don't just sit! I mean, we don't just hang out at the grocery store so we can run into people and be apart of their life! Also, at home we don't value touch like they do here- I mean, when we see good friends we might give them a hug - but here at every greeting you "kiss" both cheeks - sometime 5 times! But you pull the other person close to you and greet them. I mean - not the men and ladies together - but women to women and men to men. I think this is good - I mean, it brings people into the space that you normally reserve for yourself. That is important. It brings a closeness that we often leave out! And then there is the benefit of hanging out with just girls. I mean, here it seems to excessive and I wish it was a little more mellowed. But, we don't really value that at home - I mean we have "girl's night out" and such - but daily hanging out with just the girls - doesn't often happen. I think this is a something that we miss out on. I have spent the last 8 1/2/ months hanging out with just the girls. I mean, I might see the "boys" out and grab lunch with them - but the most I see them is once a week. That is very different from being at home! At first, I hated this - I wanted to be with the boys - but now I have realized how mush I enjoy hanging out with the girls. It has made me a different person. I am afraid what I am going to turn into when I return to "real life!" and boys are a part of my daily experience!
I have changed a lot the last 8 months - mostly in ways I can't express. I wish I could, because then I would feel as if I could just tell people back home, they would understand and then be able to accept me - but as it is , I feel as if my best attempts to explain what has happened would be like one of the kids in my class - who doesn't speak much English- trying to explain the atomic bombing of Hiroshima. I mean, it wouldn't even come close! I hope that I don't try to judge my culture, my "Christian culture" and I hope that I don't compare the bad things - I want, I mean I really want - to encourage and love and serve my community. I don't want to live as a me and my experiences verses them and theirs - I want to be a "one another" person!
So - I have truly rambled - with no real purpose except that I wanted to write all of these things down - that is another thing I have learned - I need to write down what I am thinking for me to really learn it. I have heard that "journaling" is a spiritual discipline - they need to add blogging to that list!

I got in!

2005-05-07T07:26:00.000-07:00

I haven't been that busy- but for some reason I have not taken the time to blog- but I just wanted to let everybody know that I got in Dr. Bingham's class - life and practice of the early church- for next semester! I am really excited -mainly because I have fallen in love with ch urch history because I have come to see it as life here - practical theology. It is a glimpse into how people take what they believe and live it out - in different contexts and in different cultures - but all trying to live out their faith. And, I love Dr. Bingham and think he is absolutely amazing! So, I am totally pumped about getting back to class - seeing my friends in Dallas and getting back to a really busy life! I can't wait! But I am trying to get my head around the fact that I will be leaving this country and might not be back - and at least not for a long time. So I want to live my life here well- experience what I need to experience, share and invest in friends here, not count down till I get back with my other friends - etc. I hope that I can do all of that!

Physical and spiritual

2005-05-01T04:46:00.000-07:00

I was reading today from "True Spirituality" by Francis Schafer - it is a great book! Anyway, he was talking about how we always think of the spiritual as separate from the physical, but really as Christians we say we believe that they are intertwined. We say that what we do here has direct effect on heaven - i.e. when someone believes there is a party in heaven, when we pray things change in heaven on our behalf, etc. And the things in heaven have a direct impact on life here - i.e. there are battles going on in the heavenlies for lives here on earth, angels visit us "unaware" and angels long to look into the mystery of grace and redemption! So, it is clear that we believe the physical and spiritual realm are close - but how close? Are they like Carmen's famous quote, "Jesus and God are close!" - Schafer then pointed us to the story of Elisha and the army that was coming to get him - and his servant was like "we are going to die!" and then Elisha said - no, look at all the people on our side! And his servant was like - WHO? You must be on crack! - but then Elisha prayed and the eyes of the servant were opened and he saw that there were angels all around! And as I realized that this idea is true - I started wondering why I don't look at life this way - I mean, why do I think that the spiritual is one thing and the physical is another. I mean, don't I experience life with Jesus in my physical body - don't I see Him at work in the physical universe around me? So, why do I have to act like the physical is here and the spiritual is all mystic and feelings and experiential? Why can't I seek God in eating my breakfast - while running to catch a taxi? Why can't I meet with Him at coffee with friends? Why do we think it has to be in a "quiet time" or in a church service - can't it be on a hike through the giant redwoods of Yosemite?

Morality crisis

2005-04-28T09:54:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been having a morality crisis! This doesn't mean that I have denied morality and lived "immorally" - but I live in a culture that is very "moral"- they don't drink, gamble or cuss - really. They dance, but only with the same sex - and they don't even really hang out with the opposite sex, so they are definitely against pre-marital sex and the like. So, they are very "moral." and I have seen my fellow followers fall into the trap of trying to be more "moral" than their neighbors - I mean, wear certain clothes, go certain places, etc. So I have been having a bit of crisis - I know that J has called us to be a peculiar people - but in what way? By being the most moral? By separating ourselves by our morality - having the right and the wrong? By making distinctions based only on works - i.e. my "morality"? Or are we peculiar in some other way? Are we to be peculiar in the way we love God and love others? Are we to be peculiar in the way that we come together as a community? And if so - why do we separate ourselves from each other? Why do we insist on making lines of "morality" for us to follow? Sometimes, I think that we think that the verse reads "you are a chosen generation, a royal preisthood, a holy nation, a peculiar people that you may show forth the praises of yourselves - who have become separated from those "bad" people in darkness and now live in "holiness" and "rightness" because of what you have done!" But that is not what it says! It says that we are peculiar "so that we might show forth the praises of HIM who called us out of darkness into His wonderful light" - note there is not a hint of our own works in that statement! It is all about Him and what He has done! That is what gets praise -not our "morality!" So today, I feel like "screw morality" and show that we are different because even though we cuss, drink and dance - we love like none other and the community you find around our sheesha pipe is so deep that all others seem like a teaspoon of water in a swimming pool - really shallow! And that we love God with all of our being and others are truly more important than ourselves! Wouldn't that make us truly peculiar?!?!?!?

The case of the missing money!

2005-04-27T03:28:00.000-07:00

Yes, this is some what of a mystery novel - but all the facts are true and have taken place over the last few days. I will start at the beginning - My school is having a concert and for this concert the children must have costumes. These costumes cost about 27 u.s. each and I am responsible for the money. We can't pay the tailor right away because then he might not finish the costumes, but we can't leave the money at school either. So this is a bit of a mess. So, I had decided since it was about 600 U.s. I should keep it with me - and put it in my cool, bottle cap bag. So, I have been carrying it around with me, always careful of it and thinking how silly it is that I have to do this. So, the other night while we were at sheesha we discussed the money and what I should do with it - and no conclusions were reached. The next day at school was the last day that I saw the money - we put 27 dollars into the envelope and then it disappeared - at least as far as we were concerned. My assistant had not seen it, and I had not seen it. I was getting pretty stressed because that is a lot of money and I would have to take it out of my salary to pay for the costumes and that means that I will have no money for school! So, I am stressing - but I think that it is at home - right? I mean how does someone lose all that money! So, I came home and scoured the house - I even checked the fridge and the bathroom just to make sure! But there was no money to be found. At this point I am crying out to God for help! I mean, I am at a loss - there is nothing more that I can do! So, I decided to go back to school and ask the ladies that clean the room. I ran into a helper who then told me to see another girl - she had turned in some money the day before. I found her, asked her and she said that she was cleaning up and almost threw it in the garbage, when she noticed that something was inside. She looked and thought "someone is testing me to see if I am honest, if I do not turn this money in I will get fired!" - after all, what else was she supposed to think - that some stupid lady left a months salary without even thinking about it? So, she turned it in - and today when I cam to school it was there, locked away in the administrator's desk waiting for me!
I was thrilled and ran around school talking about my stupidity and the great grace that was shown to me! Thank you Jesus!

Am I still trying to please men?

2005-04-25T04:52:00.000-07:00

You know - for living in the freaking Middle East, there is still a lot of Chr ist ian baggage that I have to put up with - it is amazing how we pressure each other with "works" - I mean, here I am trying to live a life of love and make friends - I have coffee with them (like I did today with a long blond from South Africa) and I have sheesha with them (like I did last night with a covered lady from Syria) and I have other friends from all over - I am going to supper with a Lebanese Canadian, etc. etc. So - here is the story that prompted this blog. Being that this is a Muslim country, people dress very conservatively - especially women. All of the local women wear and Abaya (pronounced ah - by - ah) which is a black "cloak" for lack of a better word, that covers all the curves and contours of their bodies. It goes from shoulder to wrist and all the way to the floor - all you see is black! And then on top of this, they wear a shayla that covers their head, hair, eyes, etc. They are at best ninjas and you can see their eyes - or they are completely covered and you can see nothing at all. So, that is what local women wear - the Levanti women wear "normal" clothes and some of them wear a head scarf to cover their hair and neck, and others do not. And then there are the western ladies - who wear anything from tube tops to ankle length skirts! Well, last night I went over to a friend's house wearing what I had been wearing all day - a t-shirt and jeans. This t-shirt was not tight, but it did fit me and the jeans were sloppy, slouchy - the way I like them! As the door opened, they looked at me with eyes that clearly stated "I can't believe she is wearing that!" I mean - I don't know these people well, I simply babysit their kids while they meet with other friends - but I mean "COME ON!" I wasn't wearing anything indecent! But it hit me - you know, all day at school I never once thought of anyone as looking at me as dressed funny, or even weird - much less indecent. These people all have very different religious views than I do - and yet all of them just let me be me - and then there were my Ch ris tian friends - they had this idea of what someone should look like, and I was not it! And amazingly with one look they were able to heap guilt and doubt about whether I was really living for J, making a difference in the world and whether or not I should just go back home right now! It is crazy! I mean, even here - out of the church culture - we still have our "works lifeboat" and amazingly we can still kick people out of this life boat!
Then I was reading in Gal. You know, that book is so relevant to my life right now! I was reading about Peter and his "stunt" about acting like an Israelite and then acting like a gentile - all to stay in the current life boat! And this event is retold to us after Paul tells us very clearly what he thinks about men and their wired ideas. It starts with Paul stating clearly that he is not sent by men or from man, but in contrast he is sent by God. Paul starts right away blasting the Galatians - and starting in verse 10 he hits home on his idea, asking three rhetorical questions - all with the word "men" in them! It is very clear here that he is contrasting "men" with "God" - and he is stating very clearly that he has jumped off the life boat and is no longer concerned with the ideas of man! This is then reiterated - after a great theological discussion of grace, works and life in the Spirit - with my favorite verse in the book - 6:14 - a prayer that I want to live! "May I never boast except in the cro ss of our Lord J Chr ist, through which the world has been crucified to me and I to the world!"
I don't think of this often enough - but as I stood at the door of my friend's house, in my jeans and t-shirt- I wanted someone to tell me that I was ok, that I wasn't "bad" because my morals were "different" and I wanted someone to tell me to take a seat in the life boat! But this verse makes it very clear - the life boat is sunk, I have been crucified to the "life boat" and the life boat has no impact on me! I am free to live by the Spirit - to not compare, to not strive to be "right" and put down those who are "wrong" - but I am free to live as one who has no tie to this world but the love that has been created in me - the new creation!
I hope this isn't too heady.....I don't want to be heady - but I think that I need to continue to wrap my head around this issue of finding my strength and identity in others incorrectly - and rather find myself unified with others through the work on the cross!

a great romp

2005-04-19T12:08:00.000-07:00

You know, I have discovered that I love walking - I mean I would love walking more if it was through the woods, or in downtown Baltimore (my favorite city) or in the woods at Yosemite ( my favorite place on earth!) but, nonetheless I like walking here in the boring city of Al Ain. I had to get rid of my car this week in order to save a bit of money - so that means that I am taxi -ing it everywhere. This is not so much fun, but it makes me walk out to get a taxi and walk back from where my friends drop me off from school. It was in this walking that I was reminded of how much I love just walking- especially when I am on an adventure! So, this week I have thought of adventures that require me to walk about my city. (now remember, I am wearing a skirt or jeans and a long sleeved cotton shirt in order to be "presentable" - and it is at least 80 degrees!) I wait until the sun goes down, so the temperature is bearable and then I leave the house. Sometimes I have a plan, other times I just go and look for adventure - but it has taken me on great evenings - some 30 minutes long, others hours - but it is a blast! So, I have been to the travel agents to plan my trip home, to the grocery store to get bananas, and tonight I went to get fabric for a clothing creation - that I hope is a creation and not a failed hippie costume! But, I went and got the fabric and then a little march down to the tailors to explain what I wanted! It ended up being a a fun adventure and allowed for lots of time to think, pray and bat around things in my head! I am really excited because I had coffee with Stacey again - it was really fun and reminded me of how much I need people....And I was reminded of groups at school (that most of them fail miserably as they try to force community) but I was reminded that I was going to lead one - and I got very excited about the idea that I could help lead others to feel as passionate about community! I mean, I would make Blue Like Jazz required reading and we would go out for drinks together - boy won't that shake up DTS! Well, today was a good day - I am sticky with sweat, my legs are sore and I am tired - but no school tomorrow...So extra time reading and maybe even lunch with J!

He's only 33!

2005-04-18T09:52:00.000-07:00

Yep - that's right, Donald Miller is only 33 so, that means I can "legally" have a crush on him! YEAH! Anyway -isn't it neat how God takes care of you - even when you thought He was busy on another continent! Today - after my "I am so lonely" speech yesterday - I got an amazing email from my brother encouraging me and then Vicki came over and hung out and we laughed and solved the world's problems and then tonight Bobi and Kevin came over to check on me - so I was shown once again that I am loved! It was great! It is so cool when His grace takes on flesh and shows itself to my thick-headed self! Thanks God! I feel as if Chris Rice's song has come true to me today! He sent them along and I knew that everything was going to be ok! but for a blog on the day - believe it or not that is not why I sat down to write! I had a crazy day where everything was upside down - I did no work at school today - it was a true babysitting day - i mean the most work the kids did was color a picture! It was truly babysitting! But I enjoyed it because it wasn't much work - I too have become lazy and I am always looking for a short cut! I found it funny how I could go from the madness of my classroom - and I mean madness - 23 kids today, most of them have this ailment that keeps their bottoms sore because none of them can sit for more than 5 min. And they all love to run around the class! I spent the morning letting them play so that I can do assessments on a few of them - and then we went and played Red Rover - what a great game! And then, we had a major interruption in that the tailors came to measure my kids for their costumes for the concert that is coming up! So, for about 40 min. I had to manage the class (did I tell you that my assistant was out sick?) and get the tailors to get the right costume for the right kid - and in the midst of all this madness I was straining to hold on to my sanity! But then it was time for Arabic - My Break! And amazingly I ran out of the class, grabbed my book and settled in for a long read - A little escape in the hallway to 17th century England! It was great - and then I had to run back into the madness - it was an amazing contrast - a quiet read compared to a maddening class - a silent retreat compared to a bunch of monkeys needing a zoo keeper! But such is my life! And then it occurred to me that maybe that is what happened in Isa. 63 - I have been thinking about this passage for a while - and I am baffled! It starts off with God talking about why His robe is red - and He says it is because of the blood of His enemies! I mean, that makes gladiator look like Mr. Rogers! And then, just as stunning, the author then starts talking about the kindness of God - I mean WHAT? How do you go from bloodstained robes to kindness? How do you go from destruction into kindness? How does one make that kind of comparison? And it hit me! That is life - I mean, I have been trying to see how you can get those attributes of Wrath and Love and Justice and Kindness to mesh - and then it hit me - they don't have to mesh! I mean, my life today was full of contrasts - quiet and madness, friends and loneliness! It was life - and such is God. He doesn't have to fit into some package that I can understand all the time - rather He is complex - even more complex my life! And that as I try to attempt to fit Him into my box, the bigger He gets! And I want somehow to understand and believe all the aspects of His character and love Him for all of them too! But lately I have gotten bogged down in my trying to make Isa. 63 disappear and make my own god that I can understand and like all the time ( a god like me!) - and in the words of the great theologian, Dr. Bingham - "if Isa. 63 doesn't fit into your theology, you don't love the God of the B - you love some god, but it isn't the God of the B!"

Loneliness

2005-04-17T05:27:00.000-07:00

Loneliness - it is a bear! I was thinking today about Blue like Jazz and the chapter on community - you know, the one where it talks about him talking to Elizabeth Barrett Browning and the cartoon about the guy flying out in space - getting gagged by his hair! funny stuff! Well, if you don't remember, or haven't read it - go read it - it will help you understand what I am about to write. I was thinking about this chapter in Blue Like Jazz because the last few weeks have been really lonely. I realized today that I have been lonely for a while - I realized it because I was talking to a friend who just got engaged (hooray Louise!) and I was thinking about the phone calls and emails that I have been exchanging with Joe -and the fact that I am mad at him since he has dropped off the face of the earth the last few weeks. I was wondering why I am mad at him, and it hit me - I am lonely! I have been latching on to every hint of intimacy, unity or community that I have been given over the last few months. So whether it has been an email from an ex-boyfriend or an email from a friend, I have been looking for friendship everywhere I look. Not that I don't have friends, I have friends at work, friends at church - but compared to the wealth of friends that I had in Dallas - I feel completely empty. I forgot to tell my friends how great they were, I forgot to thank them for all that they did for me! I now see how important my friends are - so, I am not so lonely that I am gagging on my own hair - but I am longing for deep relationships - I am praying now that I will not run back home and become a leech on anyone who offers friendship - but I am praying that I will have deep friendships with those friends I love there in Dallas - as well as new ones I don't even know yet!

My weekend

2005-04-17T05:05:00.000-07:00

Well this weekend I had the opportunity to hang out with a friend and her new baby in Dubai - her husband was going to Qatar for an interview with a university and was flying back the next day, we decided to stay in Dubai to avoid the 1 1/2 hour trip back home and then the return trip the next day! so....we spent the night in a hotel and then hung out in Dubai. It was my first time in a long time since I spent any extended time around a small baby and boy did I realize how selfish I was! I was amazed at how often we do things for ourselves until I had a small baby who is completely self absorbed and will not be ignored! I mean, we had to think about him all the time - when to change him, when to feed him, what Amy could eat, how much sleep we would get - when we would sleep and when we wouldn't! - where we would sit in restaurants, movies, etc. When we would leave the house -how much we would take with us in the mall! I mean, for a no purse, shove the wallet in your back-pocket kind of girl - a stroller, baby bag, bottles, purse, and car seat made for a HUGE change! I realized that I was so much more selfish than I thought! I mean, I realized that as easy going as I am, I like it when I get to be easy going - not planned, or even well thought out - just go with the flow! But, cute little Isaiah, was only worried about himself and I had to think about him because he couldn't think about himself! It was a major change! I never realized how incredibly self centered and me focused I was until everything in my life was turned upside down and I had a totally dependent baby and a recovering from surgery mother ( a C-section just three weeks ago!) in my care - and then I lived my weekend at their disposal! Now, don't get me wrong - I had a blast! I got to spend the whole weekend in short sleeve shirts and little to no gawking - and I got to shop at Safest way and get Quaker oat squares and cinnamon life - but I also got to go shopping and get a Pat green Cd - and we had great conversations over lunch and dinner about community and church and life goals and experiences and relationships! It was a wonderful time - but I was just amazed at how selfish I was - even this great weekend was littered with selfish thoughts and longings to be free from the shackles of myself so that I could truly enjoy serving and living side by side with friends.

I don't feel it

2005-04-10T04:52:00.000-07:00

You know some days are really good days and you feel as if J is really close - or as Chris Rice says "you smell the scent of angel wings" - and some days you just can't wait to end so that you can start a new one over - today has been one of the those days - I mean, recently I have felt closer to J than I can remember - I felt as if He was my best friend, whispering in my ear things to change, things to love things to read - but lately I have felt as if He has fallen over a cliff - and I can hear muffled noises, and sometimes see Him off in the distance - but I don't feel as if He is really walking with me, side by side. I know that He is here - I know He loves me and is changing me so that I don't live life on the life boat - but I feel as if He is no where to be found. This scares me. I mean, I don't know when these feelings will come and when they will go - and I have to push thru them - but is this like every relationship? I mean aren't there times in even the best relationships that the other person seems distant, or busy, or out of town - It seems natural in human relationships because we know that there are two people involved, and that means two personalities, two schedules, two of everything - but with J I think that this shouldn't be the case - but maybe it is - not that He is off busy doing things, but that there are times when He wants me to know His closeness and maybe at other times He wants me to learn from the distance I feel.

A Poem!

2005-04-07T14:12:00.000-07:00

"...I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story.
From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree,
starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet. "
Sylvia Plath - The Bell Jar

I read this portion of Sylvia's book after I watched the movie "Sylvia" staring Gwinneth Paltrow. It was a great movie - sad story of a young woman who drove herself mad but was an incredible poet! As I heard her recite these lines in the movie, I thought, "that is me!" I see myself as this little girl in the fig tree - my future is stretched out before me and they all look so good - but choosing one, leaves the others on the tree to rot - but not choosing one makes them all rot in front of me! But how would you choose? How would you pick?

I don't listen!

2005-04-05T06:17:00.000-07:00

Josh asked me to write about something that someone said - he is so good about this, even writing about something that Mike said and then his sons, his group leader, friends, etc- so I accepted the challenge and have not written for the last few days because I am trying to find something that someone said to write about. And I decided today that the reason I have nothing to write about is because I don't really listen to people! I have lots of conversations with them, but all the while I am thinking about what I am going to say or what I am going to do next or..... And I don't really listen to them at all! So, I have nothing to write about - nothing to say "isn't this cool" or "I learned this" or "I thought about this phrase and realized that it applies to me!" except maybe that today on the playground I was talking to a teacher and she was talking about the kids and she said "they drive me to drink!" and I laughed and agreed!