tired

I entered school in a fog – even with 8 hours of sleep. It always amazes me how I need to sleep past 10 o’clock to really feel awake when the alarm goes off – no matter what time I go to bed, or how many hours of sleep – there is just something about sleeping past 10! Anyway, I went to school in a fog, convincing myself that I needed to go, that I didn’t need to call in sick, that my kids needed me and that I needed to be responsible – no matter how I felt. So I went, no shower, little make up and in a t shirt and jeans, but I was there. My day was crazy – it started with Arabic. And the teacher is not good with my kids – she shows up late, leaves early and while she is there she lets the kids run around like crazy monkeys! So, when I walked into the room today to get something – the kids were out of their seats, screaming and fighting and she was doing nothing! I was MAD! I mean, I am the one that has to teach after her I am the one who has to take the kids for the rest of the day! But, there is nothing to be done about it….nothing to be said – she is Arabic and abides by the “Arabic teacher rules” that bear no resemblance to those that I have to follow! So… the day progressed – but I watched my kids write today, saw the light in their eyes as they read what they had written, how they were stoked that I was reading what they had written – and now as I write this I think that must be the way God feels when we go to his story just to read – not to solve our problems, to win a blessing for the day, to find something cool to share with others, just to read – to see Him and fall in love with Him. There must be a light in His eyes as we come to Him to enjoy Him – as our friend, as our God, as our Husband and our Father. This must bring Him delight – in some cosmic way because we know He needs nothing, that He is full of all the delight that can possibly indwell any being – yet in some way He allows us to bring Him delight as well WOW!
So, anyway – I tried to make small talk on the playground – but I keep running into road blocks – but I do really want to love the people that I work with – and I have had a few times where I was able to bring n chocolate to some of the Filipino workers and let them smile! But over all, I am at a loss – I am beginning to feel as if I can’t make relationships – friends, acquaintances, but not relationships – and then Joe is calling me everyday – what is that about! And today, I tried not to let him know I was online – and he figured it out and called me anyway! YIKES! So that compounds my feelings of lack of relationship ability – and what am I to do – all I know is to ask the Spirit to work His fruit in me – to make me love, to give me patience, to give me joy in my salvation and relationship with J, to make me understand peace – and not just try to be wild and crazy to give me a spirit of kindness, of gentleness and to give me faithfulness in my relationships and responsibilities and to give me self control – so that I am not driven by any force but the Spirit! So that is my prayer – and especially that I would know love and be able to share