bloggin again

hey anyone who still checks this - I am bloggin again- find me on nootherplan.blogspot.com

farewell

It is killing me to have to write this - because it for the last year blogging has been such a huge tool in my life. But I have realized in the last few weeks as the deep wounds of my heart have been examined and the defenses that have walled my soul have been demolished- that I use this blog as a way to "air my laundry" without having to really interact with people. I am writing and you might or might not think that I am learning - but either way, I don't get to know about it. I used to write these for my brother - but now many people read it and I write for all of you- and this means that I write with my defences in tact.
I wish I could tell you when it would be back, when I can look at the "post screen" and write about my life again - but I don't know. All I know is that I am hurting- as I look at the wounds of my soul- some feel as if they are as deep as the ocean- and my eyes are adjusting to the darkness that has covered my soul - and that I am trying to figure out this pit I have fallen into and in order to get out I have to stop walling myself in - and I have to stop hiding and living my life through this blog - so.... I want you to be apart of my life - so if you want updates and details - email me! Ktforpresident at yahoo!
until then -

Who would have guessed?

I would never have thought that Solidare would be a place that I would look back on and say “this is another place that God allowed healing in my life.” Nor would I have ever guessed that I would be talking about my scars and baggage and fears with someone I had just met a week before! Nor would I have guessed that the Holy Spirit would have used this friendship to break down my selfish defenses that I had so carefully built around me. Nor did I think that I would be able to see grace in action through the gentle words of a friend sitting across the table at Friday’s. Nor did I think that I would hear piercing questions and actually receive them (another act of the Spirit!) from that same friend- this time at Starbucks (don’t worry, I haven’t changed that much….I had water!). I would have never guessed that this was the way I was going to see God work in my life this summer. But that is the way Grace is – not expected and sometimes painful. I have been totally gobsmacked by a friendship that God has placed into my life in the last few weeks. I have never had a friend quite like this – so I don’t know how to explain it. Let me just say that he razzes me like a brother, is tender with me and yet never lets me slide away from the truth and he is a TON of fun to hang out with! We didn’t have much time to get to know each other – so the gutsy man that he is just asked me to share the deep things of my heart. I didn’t think he could handle them – but his space for hearing and receiving the deep things of my heart seemed to expand with each disclosure! I saw God’s grace and love materialize before my eyes in the friendship that He was beginning – bringing people from opposite sides of the US to a place half way around the world to experience community and love and grace in each other! My faith, love and hope have been increased by the minutes that we have spent with each other. There is no way to explain this kind of friendship – it is like trying to describe the laughter of a child to someone that has never heard. I know that I will look back at these times with great joy- because of all the pain and hurts that were shared – and remembering the grace, faith, hope and love that was oozing out of the bonds that the Spirit was forging between us!

Prisoners of Hope

I was reading today in Zach 9 about the return of Christ. I was reading here because of the particular promise that one day I will sparkle in the land like jewels in a crown and that I will be beautiful in the truest sense – all sin removed and the body re-created to be free from the curse! May it come soon Lord Jesus! Anyway- I was struck with a word picture that Zachariah uses. He is naming the children of Israel and promising them the abundant rewards of the Messiah and he address them as “prisoners of hope.” I was just floored by this. I have felt recently that I have been a prisoner of fear. I have lived for so long trying to escape pain. I don’t want a boy to reject me – so I won’t like anyone. I don’t want friends to hurt me – so I won’t really invest in anyone. I don’t want my parents to crush me – so I won’t allow them to be apart of my life. I have been ordering my life around fear for so long that I don’t even know what it is like anymore to be “whole” and live without it. But God has been pushing me to embrace hope. To realize that love casts out all fear. To see that being afraid removes all hope – and that is definitely the grace that I find in Jesus. And then I read – prisoner of hope! That’s it! I have become a prisoner of hope. I cling to it as if it is my last breath. I hope that one day I can serve Jesus without fear. I hope that one day I will have a life partner that is able to model beauty and love and grace every day in my life. I hope that I will have people around me that can witness the transformation of Grace that is being made in my life. I hope to invest in others and to bring the Kingdom of God near to many people. I am bound to hope – I can’t think of my life without it. I am under its control. I am its slave. Oh Father – make this be true! Make me a prisoner of your Hope!

beautiful

When I hear this word only one thing really comes to mind. Amelia Earhart. No, not the pilot that was lost – the mountain. It is on the backside of the Yosemite Valley and climbs to an astounding 15,000 feet. It has this curvy road that leads to its summit and the view is INCREDIBLE! The bluest of lakes are at her feet, the Yosemite Valley and its 7 waterfalls caress her back – beautiful seems to have been invented here. I have been learning a lot about beauty in the last year – it seems as God wants me to understand it fully and to be able to use it to describe my relationship with Him. This week He gave me another lesson in beauty. It came in an unexpected time – but in my 3rd favorite place on earth, Solidare. I was going to hang out with a friend. We had just met the week before. He is a student at Biola and is here for 4-6 weeks. We met in odd circumstances – he was tagging along with another group, I was tagging along to see what the training was like. We hit it off immediately and had been able to chat a few more times. This was the first time that we were able to hang out without anyone else, so I was expecting a great night of conversation. We got downtown and after bouncing at 2 other places, we finally landed at Fridays. We chatted about theology and family and such. Then something beautiful happened. He gently asked me to put down my defences and talk about the pain and scars in my life. And I was able to share the messiness of my life – the pain and fears that keep me prisoner. He shared too – walking with me in the darkness of my life. We talked of pain, we talked of hope. We shared the truths that have preserved us in our dark hours – Ps 139 was gilded with love as we rejoiced together over the faithfulness and grace of our beautiful Savior. I will never forget this time. A few hours where hope was tasted. A few minutes where grace was real.

sinking

I got a note from my sister today telling me that she is moving to Washington state. I knew that she was moving. My brother and Green will be moving to Washington to help with a church plant there. They are taking a huge step of faith – and for that they are my heroes. It is not often anymore in our day and age that people will re-locate to love others – and this is exactly what they are going to do. I am so proud of them and I can’t wait to see and hear all that J teaches them on this adventure. But when I got the email today that said they will be leaving before I get home, it hit me – I won’t be living close to my family for the rest of my life. I have known this for a long time, but Josh and Green moving just makes this a bit clearer. I was crushed at the thought that I won’t get to see them until Christmas. It made my life choices hit home. I began to think that when I graduate I want to live overseas- away from my family. I know that I will keep in touch with my brother, and I already have plans for the “world’s best road trip” with Green next summer to celebrate our 30th – road trip from Dallas to Seattle with stops at the Grand Canyon, Yosemite and Vegas – man, it is going to be AWSOME!!! But I think that it just highlighted the fact that when I move I will be doing it by myself. I won’t have a husband and a few kids to watch the journey. I won’t have my best friend to meet me at the door and ask how my day was. I won’t have people to fuss with, people to bring up my ugly past and to remind me of how far God’s grace has brought me. I will have to do that through the internet- and make sure that I bond quickly with those in my new home – and live honestly before them in community. I think that this was why I reacted so much to the news that they were really moving. I love them so much and will miss seeing them the few times that I am on the east coast. It seems that the last few weeks I have been longing for a life partner. I say it that way because I don’t want to “be married” but rather I want someone who will partner with me. I want someone to watch the grace of God at work in my life – someone to have fellowship with and someone to have community with. Isn’t it whacked that my brother and sister move and it makes me want to get married!!! But that is where I sit. All week I have been singing “Great is Thy Faithfulness” – and that line that “all I have needed Thy hand has provided” keeps ringing in my ear. I remember a discussion I had with a friend before I left. She was talking about a boy she had a crush on and how she really wanted to get married. I remember telling her that it was pretty simple- either j provides for us or He doesn’t. I said that our hope was to be on Him and His return, not a husband. She winced and said that she wanted to at least hope to have sex before He came back. I laughed and said that if Jesus coming back wasn’t better than sex than I didn’t want any of this Christianity stuff! I think now I am having to eat my own words. Either He provides for me or He doesn’t. I know that He will give me what I need – but I am just impatient and wish that He would either take away the desire or give me a man :)

Stamps

My favorite OT prophet is Elijah - and his sidekick Elisha. I love him for so many reasons, one of which is that he wasn't afraid to take risks, whine to God and do amazing things even at great risk to his life. But I have been re-reading his story along with reading the Gospels. And it has been so fun to see the "picture" of the Messiah that Elijah and Elisha were. Elisha feeds 100 people with a few loaves of bread and has left overs, he heals people with leprosy, raises people from the dead - little snapshots if what was to come. But these amazing stories are more like postage stamps - too small to really know much, but you know it must be big if they got a stamp! And then you read the story of J...How he fed 5000, how he healed lepers by just talking, how he forgave sins - how he raised people, not just one but people, from the dead - how He died and was raised, ascended! The list goes on! It is like God is "one-upping" the stories of the OT prophets! It is great!
I have just been reminded how incredible our Savior is and what wondrous grace He has given to me that I might be called His child! WOW!

trip to damascus

The mosque was incredible. That doesn’t begin to express its beauty. It is hard to tell about the atmosphere of a mosque – it is one of those things in life that has to be experienced. It can’t be told in words, but alas that is what I have been given to communicate – so I will try. The white walls stretched into the sky where the minarets towered even higher. They stood as a fortress between me and the life inside. I went and put on a brown sack (literally, it was a sack – but note that this did not keep guys from trying to hit on me! I must really have “it” because even in a sack I am a show stopper around here J) And breached the fortress. As I made my way in with one of my best friends here, I was blown away by the beauty. Every wall in the courtyard was dripping with gold and blue mosaics. They covered every wall and made the courtyard a place of exquisite color and light that I think can’t be matched anywhere by man made creation. People peppered the courtyard, all getting ready to go and pray. We pushed our way in even further – walking carefully as if we knew we were on enemy soil. AS we made our way into the prayer room, I was hit with intense color and light. All the arches – and there were at least 30 were rimmed in multi-colored stain glass. The ceiling was mosaic and would take every breath away. The chandeliers were of crystal falling in the light – and the dome, it was incredible -reaching far above as if to dwarf you just by looking into it. And there she was, at the foot of the dome. Dressed in black from head to toe. She was dutifully facing Mecca as she went down on her knees, then she stood, bowed and started over again. Tears crowed into my eyes. I was struck by the thought that Jesus was delaying His return so that He could show His grace in this mosque, to these people. That He loved them so much that He wanted them to be apart of His body – but that there was no one there to tell them. There are so few “workers” in Syria that the 2.75 million people in Damascus alone most likely will never meet one – much less receive a Bible or hear the story of His love. My heart broke at the immensity of His grace and the challenge before us. I walked carefully, praying for every face, every heart – begging God to send people to this place. And then I was met by my friend, he too in tears and we stood there – in that place of false worship – and called on the True God to bring people to Him. To bring worshippers in that place. To shine His light in their hearts and allow them to understand the Gospel. Tears falling, voices cracking – we begged God to be gracious to them.
I will never forget that hour in that mosque.

Saturday at Starbucks

Well, I came to starbucks today to send some emails on their wireless DSL and then I met two teachers who teach at the "big" international school here in Beruit. It was great - we chatted for a few minutes and then exchanged numbers and we will try to get together later this summer. That was an unexpected meeting!
Anyway, I am writing because I have been listening to U2 for the last few days and the song "where the streets have no names" has become my theme song for the summer. I have been struck by this song before - but I have never lived in a place where you could tell so much about a person by just where they live. Are they in the Muslim section of town? The Christian area? Do they live in the south- cause if they do they are Hezbolah, etc, etc. And living here and listening to that song - that one day we will live in a place where the streets have no names - that I am going there....with you? It is all I can do - I have been singing that in my head as I meet people- reminding me that I am not going to live on this earth forever, and in the between time I am to make it my goal to love others into the Kingdom!
So- may it be soon....may He come and take us to a place where the streets have no names!

Protest:

I was living in protest yesterday over my selfishness. I had been pricked by the Spirit earlier in the day and then I came home and read and “fussed” with J about it. I was still pretty sure it wasn’t fair that I was having to live here with nothing to do and that He should fix it. So, I got home and the college students were meeting at my apartment, so I hid in my room. I was crying and asking God why He would bring me here and give me such hope that my gifts and passions would mesh so easily into this team and city and then keep me from participating. Why He would spend a whole year getting me ready to say that I will raise support and then bring me here and see that the Company is actually getting along and working in this city? Why did He give me this random desire to study Peace and Reconciliation and then bring me here where I can see that it would be the perfect University platform and then show me that the schools here can’t pay me enough to live, much less pay off my student loan – so I have to go back to the Emirates for a few years. I don’t think that is fair!!! Why give me this vision and then delay it????
So, I was crying and fussing with J and then I decided I had enough and wanted to go prayer walking. (this way I would at least accomplish something!) So, I went to the door and it was locked. In order to unlock it you need a key. I didn’t have one – so I went looking for one in the apartment. Ma Fi (there is none) So, I called my roomies – they didn’t answer. So I called S (the subject of a blog all in itself- but I am not sure that I want to write that one J ) and he said that he would come and rescue me. But when he got here, the front desk didn’t have a key either! So, I was stuck in my apartment for the afternoon. It WAS AWFUL! It was like God was saying “you think you are so important, that you need to be a vital part of the work – well, I will get you locked in and no one will miss you so that you will have to get over that!” So, I did. I sat, unmissed in my apartment and wrestled with Jesus. We had it out. And He won (thankfully). I cried and told Him that I was disappointed. I told Him that I didn’t get it. I told Him that I didn’t like it. And He cupped His hands around my ears and told me that He loved me. That He knew that I didn’t like it, and that I might not ever understand – but that He has it all under control. So, I allowed Him to love me and read the Book – stories of this Comforting Jesus and then read some about the Lifeboat in Miller’s “Searching for God knows what” – it was a great time! Then, my roomies came back – we all went to dinner and then came back and played cards! It was a blast! I laughed so hard I almost wet my pants! It is great being on such a great team!

The resurrection

I have been reading through the book of Acts today for an assignment with the college students. And I have realized how many times the apostles referred to the resurrection as the Gospel. I think that this is something that I have typically “tacked on” the end of the substitutionary atonement of the Cross. But what if it is more than that? Isn’t the resurrection of Christ the basis for our hope? Isn’t it the basis for our faith in our own salvation? Without the resurrection the cross would have been incomplete – so why do I act as if it is “extra?” I have been learning that the resurrection gives a clear presentation of the Trinity – Jesus is raised by the power of the Spirit at the Father’s command = all Three are there and all Three are doing different things. So you see Three distinct persons and yet one person = the Trinity. At the resurrection we get hope in judgment, the faith in our salvation and the understanding that we will one day live above sin and the curse. The resurrection needs to be more “real” in my Gospel….because it is this doctrine that allows for a relationship with Christ now – a risen Savior alive and interceding for me today!

Selfishness

It seems that no many how much I learn about my selfishness I still have more to learn. It is kinda like that drive that never seems to end - you think you are close to your destination...But at every turn there is another and it never seems to end. That is me and my battle for love. I have learned so much about selfishness and the need for me to confess and run from it- but here in starbucks Hamra, Beirut I am getting yet another lesson. I have been frustrated at every turn - nothing is going the way that I want it to. I am not meeting people as quickly as I would like, I am not as busy as I would like and I am not doing anything that is gaining me a name. And so I am in the depths of despair as I waller in my selfishness. I have been hit upside the head by my definition of success and how selfish it is. I have realized that I want to use my gifts and let them be seen for my glory - so that I will be known in this place. Not do that God will be known. I have shirked from the minimal activities - I could spend my days prayer walking, but that would not let me be seen. I did not know that my depravity could go this far - that even my best intentions are tainted with my desire for fame and recognition. Well, that is not going to happen this summer- I am going to stay in the back of the van, away from anyone's notice and learn to serve. Really serve. Learn to pray as if that is all that matters - because it is. Learn to serve others by washing their dishes, showing them the store, giving up my expectations and desires and laying them down. I am going to learn to live for His sake - not mine. This is really scary to me - scary because I know that GOd doesn't have my back in this area....He let His Son endure endless shame and humiliation and never once stepped in to make it easier - so I am scared. But I know that if I am going to be a follower of Jesus I have to learn to serve. Even if it means a lot of tears, dreams and expectations being amputated from my very body and agony that cuts to the core of my personality- I will learn to serve.

Stories

You know, I have forgotten how much I love stories - but the last few nights I have put myself to sleep by telling stories in my head - stories from the Gospels. I have "remembered" J as I have talked to myself about how He walked on water, fed 5000, healed the paralytic that "fell" through the roof - and this morning - after a hot jog on the Corniche, I read the first few chapters out loud from my balcony. No one else could hear me because of the construction going on, but I just wanted to read some stories to my neighbors! :)
I have realized that this is how I can interact with the Glory of God that has been made flesh so that w can know Him. I learn from Him (as a Person, not some "spirit thingy" - but seeing Him all hot and sweaty on the side of the well asking for a drink - and then being so satisfied with doing God's will that other physical needs were diminished - by hearing John say "behold the Lamb of God that takes away the sin of the world" and "seeing" the face of the guy standing next to J - can you imagine? And by hearing J take on Nicodemus - turning everything upside down by showing Grace (something that wasn't known through the law) and seeing Nic's head spin (like ours after a Matrix movie) trying to figure out how to be born again :)
Listening to J, as He clouds Himself in His stories - and how He "tabernacles" among the people - the very glory of God visible! It makes my imagination bulge, my heart sing and my creative side leap! I am so grateful for His stories!

The Gospel

You know me the nerd - can't just live life, I have to think about it - so here are my thoughts on life from the last few days
I have been hearing a lot about the Gospel around Beirut - mostly from people who believe it - but we have been sharing it with others (I am thrilled with this, it is great to have this freedom!) It has made me wonder - what "REALLY" is the Gospel - it is substitutionary atonement? Is it the 4 Spiritual laws? Is it that Christ died, was buried and rose again? And how are you supposed to share it?
I have decided that I am "going to go" with Paul's definition - that seems like a safe bet. So, the Gospel is CHRIST - died, buried and risen. Seems simple enough. But how do you share a Person - I can share a list of ideas, I can share my story - but how do I share me? How do I share my dad? How do I share Jesus? I am not sure that I know how - I am a bit overwhelmed. I think that all my life I have thought of the Gospel as a set of ideas, and in the last few years it has been shaken and reshaped - but still, I wonder if I am too tied to those ideas.
Ok, so why is this hitting the fan now? Well, the people of this country - and all the books I have read or stories I have been told about these people - admit that this is a shame culture, not a guilt one. All of my discipline options when I taught in the Middle East had to change - because I disciplined based on guilt, and I had to change to discipline out of shame - they are really different -
so here, the Gospel that I have always understood - one of my guilt being taken - means little. So I struggle - how do I share Christ - not water down the truth of who He is and what He does - and yet not do it in a "guilt" way!
How do I share the Gospel - maybe it comes down to love.
Sorry this blog is scattered, my thoughts are scattered - I hope that I can flesh this out a bit more in the next few weeks/months - and I hope to learn from people here - so maybe there is a "to be continued" - but maybe not :)

CHRIST IS RISEN INDEED!

What a statement! I experienced the joy and hope and love of Easter in such a great way this year!
I have been practicing lent - and this year I gave up movies. I know, this isn't "big" to most of you - but it is "HUGE" to me....I love watching movies, the stories, the pictures, the emotions - OH I LOVE THEM! But, I went on a "movie and TV fast" for the 40 days of lent - to make me practice anticipating. I think that as Christians we need to practice anticipation - our hope that the resurrection was a first fruit of things to come (that by God's grace we get to participate in!)
So, I waited for Easter with a HUGE longing - and learned how little I long for Christ's return, and how I have to put things in my life that point me to that longing.
But on with the story - Easter was great! I woke up and went to a sunrise service where we met on the 4th floor of a parking garage and watched the sun creep up behind the clouds. The pastor reminded us that the resurrection is not just something that happened "back then" but it is our hope for our resurrection - when we will be like Christ! Made like HIM! And then we can worship Him without sin, with our whole hearts and really love others as more important than ourselves!
And then I went to the Episcopalian church down the street - and we listened to the hallelujah chorus and proclaimed the hope of the resurrection as we celebrated the Lord's supper - remembering Christ until He returns.
but I wasn't finished! I went to first Baptist Dallas so I could sing "up from the grave" and "because He lives" - and they did not disappoint!
and then....It was over? I was struck by how much we celebrate Christmas and stilt Easter - so I continued the celebration all day - lunch with friends - a quick nap- then dinner at my roommate's parents with 4 international students who had never heard of good Friday or Easter - and I got to tell them about it! And then..... a MOVIE!!!
It was great! I watched Chariots of Fire and rejoiced that Easter was here!
Christ - who is our Hope - is risen INDEED!!!

Forgiveness is greater than justice

I believe that - I think as Christians we have to believe that. This is our daily experience. Christ unjustly bore all my sins - He was without sin, and took mine! And then, He offers forgiveness to me - Everyday, as I confess my sins, I scream "forgiveness is better than justice!" - But when it comes to me and my friends, me and the people who hurt me - I want justice. I want them to admit they are wrong, to change their behavior and get what they deserve - I don't want to offer forgiveness.
I am so selfish- I want to feel like me and my feelings are the most important. I don't want to admit that forgiveness is better, because justice (in this area) is in my court - I would win. But when it is obvious that I would lose, I want forgiveness. What a hypocrite!
I want to pick forgiveness, but to do that requires love, it requires me to think of her as more important than me, it requires that I think of her sin as forgiven by Jesus, that He bore all the pain, weight and condemnation of that act. No matter how painful, no matter how much I am gasping for air...Jesus says that she is His, that she is my sister, that her sin is paid for and that she now bears no condemnation, that we, together, have peace with God - and that this is a chance for me to declare that I am stranger on this earth, that I don't see things as only here on earth, that I am not waiting for people to think of me as the best, to agree with me, to treat me well - (I am here to identify with my Savior who was treated HORRIBLY, by the way, out of His love for the Father, His love for the glory of God and somehow for His love for me!) My act of forgiveness shows that I am eagerly awaiting the Savior who will put all things in subjection under His feet and will transform me to my spiritual body because I will be as He is! Forgiveness shows that I am not looking for acceptance here, but I am looking for the Kingdom, that I am living in the reality of redemption right now, That I am living out "on earth as it is in heaven"
So, why is it still so hard for me to do it ?

Prayer

I have realized lately that I don't pray enough - I have realized this in a few ways.....
1) I have been studying the church in school these days and one thing I have realized is how much we need each other - we are not complete without our brothers and sisters that make up this mysterious Body of Christ - and in that, I realized that the oneness that we are to strive for is IMPOSSIBLE without the work of the Spirit in each of our lives - and this means that we have to be dependent upon Him.....So I need to pray
2) I have realized that I need the discipline of coming to God and asking - pleading- for an awareness of His Spirit at work in my life and the lives of others
3) I have enjoyed the times of embrace as I have complained and whined and fussed - and I have been assured of my acceptance, redemption and reconciliation in Christ
4) I have found prayer to be a way to affirm my eager expectation of the return of Christ - asking for things now because all things have not yet been placed in subjection to Jesus (heb 2) and because of that I have needs and sin and need Jesus to return. Prayer is a way that I can affirm this
5) Jesus told us to do it :)
I have been amazed at how easily I forget to pray - how much I need an attitude of living in Christ's presence to live in love as Jesus commands (and is so eloquently expressed in John's writings) - I have been amazed at how "self-sufficient" I can feel and how prayer takes a sledge hammer to that lie

Forgiveness

I was reading a book 2 weeks ago while I was camping. This feels like it was a lifetime ago because of all the insanity of this week, but it was just 2 weeks ago. The author, Philip Yancey, was talking about virtues that we posses that point to the reality of eternity. He told a story of a woman in South Africa during the Truth and reconciliation commission. This was a commission that was formed after the end of apartheid to discover the truth of the atrocities that were committed during that 20 year period. This woman had seen her husband be "necklaced" which means a tire was filled with gasoline, placed around his neck and then lit on fire. The perpetrators stood around and watched as they burned their victim laughing at how it was faster than killing him and then cremating the body. Then, a few years later, these same men returned and set her son on fire in front of her eyes. During the commission, the judge asked the woman what she wanted this man, the one who lit the fires, to do - she said two things. 1) can you show me where you burned my husband so I can get a handful of dirt and honor his body? 2) I forgive you and I still have a lot of love in my heart to give. I don't have a husband to love or a child to love, so I want to love you - to show you that I truly forgive you. So I want to ask you to come to my house every week so I can show you my love and forgiveness.
The man fainted on the spot.
This is a true story - and there are many more like it in the book "Country of my Skull" - one of the best books I have read all year! This story brought tears to my eyes - reminding me of the truth that allows such a heart of love.
I but the book down - my eyes full of tears and turned off the flashlight. I laid back on the picnic table that was my desk and gazed into heaven.
The stars were out in full force - not clouded by the city lights or the clouds of the storm that would be rolling in - and as I gazed at the beautiful circle dance on the curtain of darkness, I thought ......
It seems that we as humans are great at constructing buildings of pain - they are built with selfishness and sin - and often they seem to form a reality that is suffocating. It seems that sin, and the pain caused by it, is all around us - a earth that fights with itself in hurricanes, flash floods, tornadoes, etc - people that don't care for each other that inflict immeasurable wounds on their fellow men. It is when you gaze deeply into this vat of darkness that it seems that this is the only reality. And then, like pricks of light, pointing to an immensity that can only be imagined, forgiveness shines through. It points to the fact that sin is not all there is, that pain and agony do not rule, that love is bigger and stronger than all the powers of selfishness.
These glimpses into eternity are what break me from my circle of selfishness - this week has been hard, filled with stress....With insecurities ....And sad to admit, selfishness. And at times I took this out on those closest to me. If they didn't have their life in the midst of my madness, if I didn't think that they were struggling enough with me - really, if I felt that they were having fun and living a normal life while mine was torture, then I got mad! So, I told them that I was ticked....And watched them listen to me, watched them stare my selfishness in the eye and then ask me to forgive them for not loving me the "way they should!" - all the while allowing me to be a butt. These encounters jolted me - they allowed light into a room that I thought was impenetrable - they forgave me for my sin!
I have walked around for the last 24 hours reveling in the fact that I am forgiven - that my sin is black, that it walls me in, that it is filled with hurt and agony and pain - but that God has forgiven me, He has broken into my life with a love inexpressible and showed that my reality does include sin.....But it won't forever! :)

All alone and by myself

It is amazing how I can be in my apartment, filled with people and because I don't have a "partner" of some kind that I feel alone. I came home yesterday - and it was overwhelming! It has been a long time since I have been accosted by those feelings....And my first reaction was to want to "like" somebody - but the guys at DTS have no real vision for the world - they are so "status quo" it is revolting!
But I think this is just because I am becoming more and more aware that the life we live is a communal life. It seems that living and not investing in people is not really living. I think this is why I feel loneliness today - I want to impact humanity with my relationships - that is why I have been going to peace rallies and emailing senators about human rights issues - leading "world water day" discussions at school -making people aware of the thousands that are dying because of AIDS, lack of food, lack of drinking water. I don't understand why God has given me such a desire to arouse the church to help those made in the "image of God" that are dying around the world - and a desire to teach the Bible and a desire to live outside of the US? How am I supposed to make that happen - so, I am reeling....spinning in this thing they call time - longing for someone to "partner" with me and give me a place - a vision - direction......

the march

I was reminded last night of C.S.Lewis' little diddy about studying during war that is found in Weight of Glory - ok enough- on with the story I was called yesterday afternoon by my room-mate's boyfriend stating that Nic (the room-mate) was swept away in a flash flood - after a few minutes panic - he assured me that she was ok, however another girl that was with her died. I was floored - how does life change so quickly? And if it does - why am I at school - shouldn't I be "doing something" with my life? And why does this "adventure" make me feel as if life is meaningless (is it as if some water can take it away, it must not be that precious)? I went spinning as the last thought filled my head - how revolting! I know that life is precious - because God took the form of humanity - and that has elevated human life to a place that can't be described - much less the fact that God says that humans are created in the image of God and the because we are image bearers we have value! But, what am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to live - knowing now more than usual that I am marching toward death - and everyday it becomes closer! And that is when CS Lewis punched into my mind - the fact that people are dying - in war, in water, in famine, etc - is not what should make me change my attitude about my occupation (being a student) because men and women are always dying - the question is whether or not studying has merit - and I am pretty sure it does. As I look back at my time at DTS, I realize all the areas that God has stretched me to the limit - my finances, my friends, my singleness, my dreams, my abilities, my insecurities - and I think of all the things that I have learned about God - His grace, His love, His vastness, His desire for redemption, His goal of reconciliation, His coming return, His love for His creation - His love for me (all of me) - His love for people, His desire for me to be wrought with His character- and the list could go on and on and on! So, yes - I am marching toward death, yes, I am aware of that in rare fashion - I am aware that death is scary- even though it shouldn't be, it is - I don't know what it is like, I feel as if I should meet it with certain accomplishments, letters after my name and positions that I have amounted- but that doesn't really matter when you meet him - death just takes you - not your crap!
I am confident that I should have this feeling every day (this awareness of death) - an urgency to live for Christ, a passion to make a difference and a love for life- I think this feeling is what Amy Carmichael meant when she said "love to live and live to love" -

Wearing thin

I sleep in this shirt - it is a cool purple color and has the Baltimore Crab on the front and back. I love this shirt - because it is cool, because it is from my favorite city and because I have had it for years. At some point a few years back, a hole developed and it was made into pajamas. Not that I can't afford pajamas, but I love this shirt and I want to keep it! Well, as I have slept in this shirt over the last few years - combined with the "dyer" in the Emirates (aka on the clothes line in 110 degree heat) a few more holes developed - first in the arm pit, then the other, then a few more in the back, then a few more across the top - and now it has actually managed to remain its shape and be indecent at the same time! I am not sure how this is possible - but it has happened....And I am not sure that it even has merit to be pajamas. (after all is there a point in wearing clothes if they are indecent?) So I am going to have a funeral for my shirt - and let it go into oblivion - and I will mourn its loss!
I feel a little bit like that shirt - I feel as if school is wearing holes in my soul - taking advantage of the areas that I am weak in and blowing them to smithereens! I feel as if my "want to" gets diminished to nothing - because for so long I have just done what I "have to" - today when I get off work, I will do homework for at least 4 hours - and I have already spent 2 solid days reading and every evening for the last umpteen weeks I have done homework! So, I don't want to do homework...But I have to - and what do I want to do? I don't know, it feels like it has been so long since I just got to do whatever I wanted!
And then, look at me - acting like I should be able to do what I want - what about the 10 million kids in northern Uganda that walk almost 10 miles every night and morning to escape the "LRA" and the sure "draft" into their army - or worse, rape, murder, etc. I wonder how many of them are plagued with Oprah's thoughts of "do what I love, love what I do" - or what about the millions dying of hunger in Nigeria, or the thousands that will die today of Aids in sub-saharan Africa? How many of them will think "what is my passion and how can I live that out?"
But even the thoughts of all of these people makes me shrink - how could I begin to make a difference in their lives?
And I am worn out again, this time in a different spot - a big hole is developing.

I confess

I confess that I only like grace when it works in my favor.
I confess that I want my friends to only have fun when they are with me.
I confess that I feel alone.
I confess that I fell as if no one gets me.
I confess that the reason I hate my job is that I feel like it is below me.
I confess that I have forgotten what it is like to live in a place surrounded by those who do not follow Christ.
I confess that the only reason I feel alone is because I don't want to need anyone.
I confess that people annoy me.
I confess that I live as if I have to earn God's love.
I confess that I think I deserve better than I have.
I confess that I am self-centered.
I confess that I compare and compete in all areas of life.
I confess that I do not guard my tongue.
I confess that I do not take time to love others.
I confess that I expect people to treat me with dignity, but I do not take the time to treat others this way.
I confess that I expect people to understand that I have a story - but I don't take the time to listen to theirs.
I confess that I live as if my sins are "mistakes."
I confess that I focus on other people's sins more than my own.
I confess that I don't even take the time to admit my need of others and God.
I confess that most of the time I don't think I need others or God.
I confess that I only want to hang out with people who think I am cool.
I confess that I get sick and tired of trying to "love mercy, do justice and walk humbly with God" I confess that I get mad because I don't have the money to go on a road trip from Johannesburg to Casa Blanca.
I confess that I live as if the world around me is the only reality.
I confess that I live as if the resurrection never happened.
I confess that I hate any limitations placed on me by others or myself.
I confess that I need grace!

Creativity

I have realized that I love being creative - but that there are areas of creativity - like writing (especially poetry) and singing that I do not want to do publicly because I want people to like me! :) I mean, that I am afraid that they will think that I sing poorly or that I write horribly - so I keep these things to myself.
Also, I am learning that as the Body of Christ I need to admit that I need people - it is really hard for me to admit that I need someone - but I am learning to say "thanks, that was exactly what I needed" acknowledging that I need people. It is quite embarrassing to admit that I am not self-sufficient. And even more embarrassing to admit that I think I could be self-sufficient. I am realizing that I have bought into the American idea that I can make myself into whatever I want and have no need of anyone else! WHAT A JOKE!
I really need people - people right here in Dallas, friends that live in the Emirates, Canada and even California - saints that have lived before me - and saints that live all over the world, struggling to live like Jesus in different cultures and in different ways! I need people! That is what the Body of Christ is - a body, parts made into a whole - all relying on the Head and all dependent on each other!
I am really tired right now, and I am sure that I need to blog more - but hopefully I will get on for a really long blog this week - since I don't have classes - but right now I need a nap - so....

Talent show

Last night I went to a talent show at DTS - it was full of people trying to do spiritual things to show off their talent. I was amazed that we have so many people at DTS that can write, make people laugh and sing - but I was also amazed at the Christian mind that has to have everything be "spiritual." And why is spiritual always end on a happy note? - no one got up there and read poetry about what I was feeling:

caught in the space between words,
hidden in the crook of the question mark wondering when the answer would be written


that's right - I got off work - where I had people cuss at me all day long because I work for a company that doesn't always tell the truth and that is really poorly managed. I sat at work, fighting back tears - listening to my co-workers frustrated and breaking - and I thought "GOD! DID YOU NOT HEAR ME!!!! I WANT A NEW JOB!!!!" - I sat thinking about why God is "refusing" to provide a new job for me - and the insecurities flood in...It is because I am not managing my money well, it is because I should have stayed in the Emirates, it is because I don't pray hard enough - and the tears begin to slip down my cheek.
I wanted someone to say - me too! But no one was even willing to give me a peek into "realness" why? I don't know - but I know that in my life, I am not real because people won't like me! I know that if I told people that last night I was drowning in insecurity and longing for a friend to laugh with - that I would have been "scary" to those around me. I know that if I had said - I hurt- I need Jesus to come back- that I would get an "I am sorry" instead of a "me too!"
so, I will try to be real- even if that scares people - but I am sick of the "bless her heart" eyes that I see when I start saying that I am fallen and need Jesus- like they don't feel like that!

a funny story

I was getting gas yesterday - and because I am trying to live on a budget, I get all my cash for the week out at once and divide it into categories - which is good, but it means that I can't use my card at the pump and I have to go inside. So, I went in. It was really cold yesterday in Dallas - about 30 degrees and a strong cold wind. So as soon as I made it in the door I shivered and said "Brrrr" to which the Pakistani man that was working behind the counter responded with " You're cute!" I smiled and said "thanks" and then he said "but I bet you don't like boys!" I just laughed and said - "no, I like boys!" and just shot up a quick prayer for all those single women who work in places where you get hit on all the time! Man, life in the US is really different than most places. I just laughed at his candor, assumptions and my "catch 22" - I mean what do I say - yes I like boys so you can keep hitting on me - or no I am gay! But is made me laugh!Of course, he offered to take me to Pakistan, told me that it was ok that it was a huge offer, because "love is crazy" and it does crazy things! I thanked him, told him to keep me posted about when he is going home - and went back into the cold to pump my gas with a smile!

in a funk

I am in a funk today - have been for a few days actually. I am not really sure why, but I feel as if I am just going through the motions of life and need some kind of thrust to get going again. I don't know what brought it on - maybe I am just overwhelmed with all the need in the world and can't get a handle on what my role is in meeting it - I have been bombarded with the needs of Africa this week- Aids is killing one out of every 10 in most of southern Africa, famine is killing one out of every 5 kids in Western Africa, and in the east, war in Sudan, refugees throughout, children abducted to be soldiers and poverty that seems unending. I know that Jesus wants to give these people more than just the Jesus film, more than just a promise of heaven - He wants to bring Peace and fill their stomachs too!
But where do I fit - what can I do?
Or maybe it is because I am just being selfish that I am in a funk - you know the selfish drive that makes me want a boy to think that I am pretty and cool. The idea that if a boy thinks I am important than all will be right in the world!
Why do I do this - why do I think that there is a simple answer to fixing my curse - I act as if I can just get something or do something and then all will be right - all the evil, the poor, the effects of fallen humanity will disappear with the look of a boy, the accomplishment of a task. It is as if I think that there is something here on earth that will fill my deepest needs- forgetting the fact that the only way that all will be right in the world is if Jesus comes back!
so the funk will continue.....

Forgiveness

I am reading this book about the "Truth and reconciliation Commission" in South Africa (like I don't have enough things to do, I indulge myself with pleasure reading to counter balance the 100's of pages of required reading!) I have been blown away with the African mindset of forgiveness. These people have been tortured, devastated, lives have been ruined - people treated worse than dogs - and they came to the commission to tell their story and seek reconciliation.
These people think of forgiveness - not as a release from guilt, not even as a statement of faith - but as a source of reconciliation. They forgive not because it is the right thing to do, but because unity is bigger than guilt, because reconciliation is valued more than vengeance - because togetherness is bigger than revenge.
I have been blown away by this true story - it has brought me to tears many times the stories of the atrocities committed and the forgiveness that is offered. It is such a great story of the miracle of forgiveness - unlike any I have ever read outside of the Bible. - and the crazy thing is, these people aren't even claiming to forgive in the name of Christ!
How much more should we - those who claim to be the body of Christ - God's physical representation on earth - how much more should we be known as those who value forgiveness and reconciliation over revenge and hatred - and guilt!

Hope

This week I have been struck by how much I need Jesus to return. (I am sorry I haven't been bloggin' very regularly - I have been SWAMPED and I normally blog at work, and work has been really busy! But I am getting DSL at my house this week, so I should be able to blog at home, and this will mean I can blog all the time! YEAH! - back to the regularly scheduled program)
I am taking eschatology this semester and I have been struck by how much of theology is structured around this word "hope." It seems as if all of theology is leading us to the point of the return of Christ! It is our understanding of God, Man, Salvation, the Church -everything....It is all based on the first and second advent of Christ!
I have realized that this places "hope" pretty high up on the Christian virtue list. I look around at the songs we sing, the shirts we wear and the talk we talk - and I don't see this virtue anywhere! I am amazed at how much we have forgotten the need for Jesus to return - without this, we are.....Stuffed! :)
As I look at our early church brothers and sisters, they let this fact govern most of the Christian disciplines - when they prayed, they prayed because Jesus had not come back yet, and they still had needs here on earth. When they fasted, they fasted because the Bridegroom was not present. When they sang, they sang as a foretaste of the praise around the Throne. When they read the Bible, they did so because the Word was not present with them and they needed the Spirit to reveal God through the Scriptures. When they gave "Christian love" it was because everything was not set right in the world because Jesus had not yet returned. Everything they did had this underlying current of "hope."
And as cool as this idea is - Paul says in I Cor 13 that there is "faith hope and love" and the greatest of these is "love." I have wondered why love is the greatest - and this week in class, I realized that it is the greatest because it is the only one that is eternal. Because at the return of Christ we won't need hope or faith because we will have seen Him for which we hope and Him in which we have faith - but love, it will remain!
So, no matter how important hope is to us right now, one day it won't even exist! And we will be known as a community of love!
I hope that I can make my life here reflect these virtues - love, faith and hope - in that order!

Life

Sometimes it feels as if my life encroaches on my life and usurps me! Let me explain- no let me sum up.
This weekend I had a lot of homework to do, friends to see and then I had to baby sit too! I am trying not to spend money - so the opportunity to baby sit and make a little extra to go to the movies with was a great provision from our Almighty Father. But it made my weekend kinda crazy -
I worked Fri until 7, then went to a friend's house for supper -then ran to a coffee shop with another friend so I could study. I got home at 11pm and fell into bed.
Sat began with work from 9-3 - then off to the gym to run, then babysitting at 7, got home at 11:00- still only read 20 out of 150 pages - still have a 5 page paper due on Tues and a 2 hour class to lead the discussion in - but I go to bed.
Sun - up and out to church - and it was a great church that I went to, and I think I will start going there - then home, coffee with a friend I haven't seen very much in the last month - got calls from great friends while I was there - but my phone was on silent, and then I was too busy to call them back - YICK! I hate that! - then I ran into a friend while there - but had to hurry off - go over to another friend's house - stayed a few minutes - then off to the gym again - and then home to grab the books and take off to study. Left the coffee shop at 11 pm, ran to the grocery so I could make my lunch for today - still the paper is not written, but I fall into bed!
Today starts with a 10-7 work shift - and then when I go out to my car for my 45 min lunch break where I get to see the sky and feel the air, I turn on my car to listen to the radio - and it dies after 5 min. The battery is completely dead! I come back into work and ask about jumper cables - and two people chime in that they have some and will be happy to help! Again, provision from the Almighty!
But, I have a TON of homework to do tonight, I haven't had any kind of "break" this weekend - as usual - and I have a week's worth of reading, assignments and classes to tackle!
Sometimes my life encroaches on my life and usurps me!

The One and Lonely

There is a song by this title - and I can relate to it in full force today. "Sometimes I feel like I am the one and only, but today I feel like the One and Lonely." It is amazing how these feelings can creep up and bite you - taking over your feelings and projects and perspective of life. The day before my uniqueness was a good thing - something that makes me stand out in a crowd and gives me identity. But then, the very next day, the fact that no one is like me makes me want to run away! I have a deep longing, yeah verily an ache - for someone who thinks like I do. I want someone who thinks about the things of God, who wants to love people even though it costs a lot, someone who wants to go to new places, someone who doesn't cringe when they find out that people think differently than they do. I am glad that people are different from me - I just want someone who is like me! :)
I have found myself telling my friends about things I am going to to be doing this semester and watching their "have fun" faces - I told them about hanging out with my Democrat friend Chris in an openly gay area of town, where there were gay couples surrounding us at the coffee shop and on the street men in drag walk by frequently. Granted, this is not my typical experience in life, but I do believe that these people of "oak lawn" are people - and that God loves them just as much as He loves me! But my friends at school, the one that believe in Jesus "like I do," they don't want to be caught dead down there! But I hung out with my friend, reading my theology book in the coffee shop next to all of these people - learning to love them a little bit more - learning to see past the makeup and the hand holding and see them as people, not sin. But, I want someone to go with me! And then, I told them about how I am going to start teaching ESL to refugees here in the Metroplex - and their response was "don't over-extend yourself" - and I was thinking - I love teaching, I hate not teaching, I need to teach - I love internationals, I hate not being around people from other countries and cultures - I need to be around these people! I won't be over-extending myself - I will be giving myself energy!
But, I have to do it alone - I feel like a freak - the things I love pull me away from my friends....That is not the way it is supposed to be - I am supposed to be able to do the things I love with my friends.
but this is not the case - so today I am the one and lonely!

Slothfulness

This is one of the seven deadly sins. It has been listed throughout church history as one of the sins that creeps into your life and corrupts. It is a horrible sin, because it is one that often goes unnoticed like the dust on the top shelf and yet it is consuming and often drives many decisions that result in deep pain and even death. This is not laziness, laziness is nothing compared to this! Slothfulness is best defined as "selfishness that displays itself by taking the path that is the "best" for right now." That means that everything is always done for the present gratification. There is no discipline, no reaching for a higher goal, no looking outside of yourself - it is always focused on doing what is good for now. So, you eat what you want, act like you want, spend your money how you see fit, with no regard to the future.
I had to do a project on the 7 deadly sins last semester and when I got to this one I was deeply convicted. I realized that what I thought was "free spirited" was really selfishness. It was like the curtain was pulled back and I realized all the scum that was really in my life! I cried and laid myself out before the Lord. But it was finals week - crazy life and school - and then it was Christmas. I made a few changes in my life. I decided to exercise more, and got some running buddies so that I would keep it up. I decided to stop drinking caffeine because that was just a prime example of only thinking about what makes me happy now. I started making progress in lots of areas - but....There was one that I left off.
This Sunday in church, that pastor was talking about ways we express our loyalty and commitment to God. He said that as Christians, often we come up with ways like "read my Bible," "pray" or "tell others about Christ" but the one we leave out is the one that is the hardest because it requires us to give something up and to invest in something outside of ourselves. But it is also the one that allows us to acknowledge lots of theology - it is very practical theology - in that when we do it, we recognize that we are a part of a Body, that the Kingdom of God is a present reality that we can be involved in and that we are not living for this world and the things of this world - but that we are living for the manifestation of the Kingdom at Christ's return. All of this by simply tithing!
I was deeply convicted. But as always, I left church, got busy and then this week, I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off - so it is grab lunch here, go out to supper with this friend - and I forgot about showing honor to God by not living for myself in the use of my money.
So, God drove it home in more embarrassing ways - having to call and ask my dad for money - again! I hate doing this, because he always is so gracious....But I know that I just need to be more disciplined.
So, I have been deeply cut again - and today I am walking around with a serious spiritual Band-Aid - but I am learning.
So I am going to make some drastic changes - I am not sure what yet...Maybe no movies! No eating out! Maybe live of the 3 dollars a day that most of the wolrd lives off of! But one thing I know for sure - I have to start watching where, when and how I spend my money!
If I am going to live a life that glorifies God in all areas, If I am going to say that I beleive that I don't have compartments for the "sacred" and the "profane," If I am going to say I can worship God in the "humanity" of my life - then I have to get a hold on my money. God wants me to worship Him in this area!
Father -I confess my selfishness in the area of money. Please give me wisdom, give me advisors, give me a plan so I can actuate this change in my life. Thank you for the conviction of the Holy Spirit in this area. ( and God, thanks that no matter how deeply You cut, and how much You amputate, thanks for reminding me that it is Your love that has driven You do it!) Help me to see the way I spend my money as an act of worship!

Serving Jesus

I was reading some other people's random blogs yesterday when I was at work - passing the time with something almost useful:) And I was reading one of my favorites - daily life in the homeless shelter - a great blog reminding me of the need to really serve others.
Yesterday's blog was nothing new - just a blog about serving others - but something that was said really stuck with me! He was talking about a guy who had come into the shelter saying that he was Jesus. The author of the blog said that he saw this man around town -"For the next few weeks I often saw this guy downtown and he always made me laugh. 'Look,' I'd say, 'there's Jesus riding his bike.' Or, 'Hey, that's Jesus, carrying his groceries home.'" I read this and smiled - thinking it was funny.
But today, I was sitting in class, and we were talking about Jer.. 22:16 where God states that taking care of the poor and the needy is "a good example of what it means to know Me." (NET bible) - as we were talking about this, the blog from the day before got mashed with this verse and the verses in Matthew 25:35-40 where Jesus talks about serving "the least of these" and "‘I tell you the truth, just as you did it for one of the least of these brothers or sisters of mine, you did it for me.’"- I got all of these ideas squashed into my brain - and I realized, that even though the blog may have been joking, wouldn't we serve people differently if we thought of them as Jesus? I mean, obviously there are theological issues in saying that these people are "Jesus" - I want to keep the uniqueness of Christ as much as anybody! -but Jesus Himself talks of us seeing other people as important, and serving them as if they are Christ.
I think Jesus probably told us that because He knows that I don't see people as important, and that when I get cut off by a stupid Dallas driver, or I get behind some idiot in the grocery store line, or I get a dumb customer on the phone at my "lovely" job - all I think about is me! I think about how I am in a hurry, or I have been waiting too long, or that I have other, more important things to do! When, if I lived as Jesus tells me, I would think of these people as important - yeah verily - maybe even as Christ Himself - and I would look for ways to honor them and serve them! So maybe I should say "look there goes 'Jesus' taking out the trash" - "I saw 'Jesus' today in the grocery store, he waited on me in line!" - because maybe then I would understand and actually try to love them!

Holistic life

I have realized this week that we as modern people so compartmentalize our lives, and thus we compartmentalize God. We say that God can't be put in a box, but if He can't fit in our compartment of "safe" or "logical" or "understandable" we bend and shave and twist Him until He does. This tendency bleeds over to our "normal" lives as well - we twist, bend and force God into parts of our lives, and act as if the rest of our lives are beyond Him. I have realized this as I have taken a deeper look at the OT this week. The saints of the OT don't see God at work only in the temple, they see Him as a part of their daily lives. They eat in such a way to acknowledge that they worship YHWH, they dress in certain ways to acknowledge that they worship YHWH, they take care of the poor, they take care of each other, they engage in war and in peace - all in ways that acknowledge YHWH as the central figure of their lives. Nothing is out of reach of YHWH! He is the central and controlling figure in all of their life - He controls the weather, the nations, all of creation, the progress of evil - everything!
But, for some reason in my western brain, I forget this - I act as if my life is separate - and that I can shove God into some corner of it and engage Him when I want. I act as if I have tamed Him, as if this is my show and when I want I can go get God for His amazing act! WHAT A JOKE! I so want to live a holistic life, where God is the center and focus of all of my actions - where my self-absorbedness is no where to be found - oh Jesus! Come back soon!

Friends

I have had a couple of great conversations with some friends here in Dallas. Conversations that make me think, and that make me realize areas that I need to grow. I have had conversations about theology, about God and how He acted in the Old Testament - stories about how He killed people because they disregarded His holiness - and how hard it is for me to love a God who does things like this. I mean, I would much rather view God as someone who is "safe" - I don't think any of us want to be friends with people who aren't "safe" - do we? But I have realized this week, that I must worship the God that is revealed in the OT, not the God I have made up - not the "safe" God of my imagination.
Also, I have had a conversation with my good friend Julie - and we talked about her boyfriend, and the boys I hang out with. And it was just a good conversation realizing that God is sufficient and that He knows exactly when to bring that person into our lives. It was just really good to talk to her about all that she has learned in this relationship, and how God's timing is perfect!
So, I feel as if I have been learning a lot - maybe like a Dixie cup under the waterfalls at Yosemite - and so much has spilled out! I hope I can act on what I am learning, and really worship God as He has reveled Himself -in all aspects!

my feelings

I haven't been blogging - partly because I have been at home and have been having adventures in the Gilbert Kingdom, and partly because I haven't felt like it. It seems to me that lately I am letting my emotions run me. I feel today as if my heart has been drained- like the emotions of the week- the highs and the lows, the joys of simple things like Miles Davis and the ickiness of boredom at work, have been slowly evaporating me. There are times that I feel as if I am on top of the world - but then at others, I am shrinking.
The problem is not that I need to make my life "happier" - that is what I have been trying to do all week- what I need to do is rest in my life. To recognize that I can't "fix" it - I can't make that guy like me, I can't make my job exciting, I can't make my life "fun and exciting" at every turn - but I can embrace my humanity, understanding that all that I am is becoming like Jesus - not just my emotions, not just my heart - but my entire being. The way I eat breakfast, the way I drive, the way I work, the way I read, the way I watch movies, the way I talk to friends, the way I live - not trying to make it exciting- can bring worship to God as I allow Him to transform me in all of these areas. I don't want to try to outrun the curse - but I most certainly want Jesus to return to complete my redemption!

Stupidity at its finest!

Here is an excellent example of stupidity! Last night I was to pick up my friend Chris at 11:50 at DFW airport. I went and saw King Kong with a friend before I went to get him, and I was at the airport by 11:30- so I cleaned out the trunk, put my purse and crap in the back seat, and then I decided that I would put on some lipgloss, I got my purse out and sat in the driver's seat, listening to Aretha Franklin - just chilling. I stood up, put my purse in the back seat - grabbed my book and Cherry Lime Aid and took off - just to discover that my keys were in my purse...Locked in the back seat!
So - I called my cool room mate and asked her to find my other keys, so she could come and rescue me! But, I must have put them in a really great place - because I couldn't remember where they were and she looked everywhere and couldn't find them. So, when Chris arrived, I told him the news - and that I was going to have to call my insurance company to come out with their roadside assistance. He was so cool about it - laughed at me and made light of it - as he called AAA and got them to come out!
We sat on a bench and looked at pictures from his trip, hung out in the cool Dallas air for about an hour until the locksmith arrived, freed my keys and then we went and celebrated my stupidity at Waffle House!
So a good time was had by all - well almost, a better time would have been had if I had been able to get some sleep - but.....It was a great adventure that will not be easily forgotten! :)