Ouch!

Ouch! All this talk about how stupid G was at church and how dumb he is because he doesn't get community and then all that talk about Vickie's flat mate and how weird she is - and all that talk about how Vickie and I were right - and then I just listened to a "sermon" for lack of a better word by Don Miller at Imago Dei and he was talking about selflessness. He gave this story about one of his flat mates, Stacy, who was a walking picture of this. He gave two examples of how he lived this but one sticks in my mind. He told about how Stacy would drive in traffic and when one person would cut him off, honk his horn, etc. As the anger rose in him, he would point his finger and say "you are more important than me!" and he might have to say it over and over, but he would say it until he actually believed it. As Don told this story I realized something huge about myself - I have been saying that I want to love other people as myself, but I have been leaving out one incredibly huge aspect of that - actually considering them as more important than me! That is what Paul tells us to do in Phil and in other places - and he means it. Not in a heady sort of way but in an actual sort of way. Realizing that it is not about me, I don't get my identity from being right, by being the best server or the most fun, but rather by letting Christ and Christ alone be my motto - and that allows me to say - "I already know that I don't deserve to be honored on my own, I am capable of all sorts of evil - and have done many of those evils already- but Christ has loved me, just because He wanted to show me Himself - and because I know that I can love others as more important than me because I get none of my identity from myself but only from the fact that Jesus loves me!" That is what I want my life to be - a life lived for others - with "no concern for myself" if people walk over me because I act like this - then so be it- because I do not have to stand up for my rights because I know that all that matters is the relationship that I have as the bride of Christ. So no more "Oprah" making myself a priority so that I can give to others, and no more "alone time" as my priority - I will give and give and give until I can really learn that this life is not about me and live as Jesus did showing that others are more important than me!
I am still struggling with saying that others are more important than me - because it makes me feel less important and therefore less significant and therefore easier kicked off the life boat - but Paul says "let each of you consider others as more important than himself" so this is not just the way I show love or the way I live but how I actually think about others - I AM SO FAR OFF FROM THAT!!!!!! But I hope that as God continues to deepen His love in Me and shows me my value because of His love for me - that I will really think that!
And isn't it cool that I will get a chance to live with Ris and T and all their kids - and mom and maybe Dad - in this small house, filled with stuff - and will get to really practice this for a few months! I want them to come back so that I can get the selfishness beat out of me by Eddie and Elliot and Ris and T (of course not Maggie because she and Zeke are my favorites - second born of the same sex!) I hope that I can truly say that the reason I live is to love God and to love others -not just as myself - but as more important than myself! That would truly be a miracle of grace - May it be so!