the lifeboat bites again

The life boat is alive and kicking! I mean, I read about it in the Emirates and thought “so true!” and I struggled with it there – but in a different way –for those of you who aren’t Don Miller fans – HARAM! Or WRONG/SIN – run out right now and get “Searching For God Knows What” – his second book – or write me and I will send it to you! (there is a copy floating around the Emirates, just so you know) – Anyway, he has a theory that I have totally adopted because I think it speaks so clearly to me and my comparison past-time. He talks about how when we were in 7th grade, we had this riddle about being in a life boat, and having a doctor, a lawyer, single mom, and a janitor with us. Of course there is only room for 4 people- so somebody will have to go – who would we kick out? And then he talks about how we then live our lives as if we are on that life boat – always trying to gain position so we won’t get kicked out – making sure that we are not last on the list or our life might be in danger! But, then he goes on to talk about how J did away with the lifeboat – He called us what we are – sinners – and then took our wrath so we could become His brothers and sisters! So, we no longer have to find our place in the lifeboat, but can rest in our relationship with J – this sounds really great and it is – but living it is a different story – I have had many life boat drills since I have been back in the States – issues with my family- ranking how much time they spend with each member making sure I am still way up in the Lifeboat – issues with not having any keys – to anything – and that must mean I am not important and would be seen ejected from the lifeboat at any minute – But being here at school it seems the Lifeboat is back – and bigger than ever! I went with some girls to watch a movie in the common area last night – we have a big screen TV and it is GREAT! But, when I walked in with my friends, there were people there – all of whom they knew…and I didn’t – so I began immediately to feel this pressure in my chest as I grabbed the Lifeboat for all it was worth, envisioning the tug of all those people trying to get me out of their boat! So, I began to make conversation – hoping of course to win others to my side who would come to my defense when the “hurl her overboard” was called – so we were getting ready to watch movies, so we started talking about movies - I love movies, so I chimed in…we talked about this one, and that one and that one – and then we started talking about comedies – and I wanted to join in, so I started talking about some of my favorites – but as soon as I opened my mouth all the names of those movies fled my mind – it was like I was seeing the movie but all the faces were smudged blurs and I couldn’t remember even a way to describe who was in it! I of course began to blame this immediately on Vic and Stacey – who should have kept the important subject of movie material in all of our conversations so I would not look like a dork upon arrival in the US! (Joke!) A mad grasp at the lifeboat once again! So, the movie began, I was saved from the idiocy I had made – so as I watched the movie, I began to think about what had just happened – my first reaction was to get on a plane and fly back to my friends who accept me and love me and want to watch movies with me even if I don’t know anything about them….but that is not possible, so I sat, glued to the seat – but then I started having longings for friends here – ones that I know love me and want to hang with me, like Paul and Donna or Katy – and then friends that have left here – like dear Melissa! And then it hit me – I want my lifeboat back! I want my place where everyone likes me and I am not in danger of being hurled overboard! WHAT A JOKE! Here I was, presented with opportunities to get to know people – all followers of my God, all living within 1 mile of my house – some in the same building I live in – and I was too worried about how they would like me to even try to love them! I wasn’t interested in them, I wasn’t wanting to get to know them and their differences – their ideologies and their traditions, their understandings – NO! All I wanted was for them to like me! WHAT A SELFISH PIG I AM! I so wish I didn’t do that, I so wish that I knew how to love - with no self interest – I wish that when presented with people that I know love J (something I am not yet acclimated to) that I would reach out and want to know about them, truly know about them - not just so I can say “oh, well I do that better, so they will be out of the boat before I am – nanny nanny boo boo!” But such is my life – the wretched sinner that I am! I am so glad we are all “crooked deep down” in the words of Derek Webb – so, today it is my prayer that I would begin to spark an interest in those who are different from me, who might not agree with me, who might want to throw me off – and to try to love them – not for my reward, but because J loves them and the HS is working inside of them and the Father has created them - so they are part of my community for eternity!