Feelings

Feelings are a funny breed aren't they- I think they have to be the most powerful thing in the whole world. For feelings of loyalty to country, people have died - because of feelings of insecurity people have risen to places of power to do great - and awful - things, because of feelings of sadness people have ended their life - because of feelings of love people have done crazy things - feelings! They are really powerful - more powerful than a nuclear bomb! They can wreck your world, they can make your world a beautiful place - they are huge!
but the crazy thing is that they change so quickly! You would think that things that powerful would be hard to change - and sometimes that is the case - We all have known someone who was in love with somebody, and even though it was awful, and they knew it was wrong, they couldn't change their feelings - so they got married anyway. But, often our feelings change with our breath! It feels as though I get new feelings every time I breath in. :) Sometimes this is great - but other times it kicks my butt! I know that I can't live by my feelings - but it is hard not to be mastered by them. This is most clear when I have a crush on somebody - then it seems if they don't answer their phone, or if they look and smile at someone else, or if they call me and talk for hours - all of these things can make my world rise or fall. But the crazy thing is that I call that "love" when really it is simple selfishness - Look at it - if they don't answer MY call, if they don't look at ME, if they call ME and talk for hours - it is not about helping them, it is not about what is good for them -it is all about ME! And how it makes ME feel! What a joke!
I realized this weekend that I have been really selfish and have been mad at people and have thought evil things about people - all because I have a crush on somebody. It is as if I am allowed to think that the world revolves around me as long as that boy is involved. I am an evil person! I am desperately wicked and crooked to my toenails! But, it has been fun to learn this about myself - isn't that one of the reasons that God gave us relationships? To learn about ourselves and how we are so self-consumed! :)