Personal idolatries

I don't think I have updated my blogging community about my theory of "personal idolatries" - so here it goes....I have been looking for a way to explain "insecurities" because I don't think the the phrase "insecurities" explains what we mean - after all, aren't our "insecurities" actually areas that we are trying to find security in and are painfully aware that we will not find security in them? I think that in my life I try to find security and even redemption in my looks, my wit, my intelligence, my personality - and when I am aware that I can't get security in these areas, then I call them "insecurities" - but actually, because I am trying to find my identity and redemption in these areas, they would be more appropriately called "idolatries" because I am looking to them for my identity and my redemption with others and at times even with God.
So, I am calling them "personal idolatries"
But that is not why I write, I am writing this because I have been consumed with personal idolatries lately - and they have driven my emotions, and I hate to admit it...My actions. I have been made aware of them because of my "bassackward" way of protecting myself - it goes something like this.....Meet a guy, start hanging out, start really connecting, start thinking that I like him, he does something that shows he doesn't like me, I get scared and start thinking that my redemption rises and falls with his "liking me" - so I get scared and say that I don't like him at all and that he is a jerk, then I start to hang out with him again "as friends" and then the cycle starts all over! MAN! HOW SELF CENTERED! I mean, it is all about me, all about my comfort, my feelings of "security" - and no thought of the other people in my life!
I really wish I knew what it meant to love others as more important than myself! I don't know how to love others and not get hurt - but I try all the time....Because as soon as it is clear that things might not turn out the way I want them to, I become selfish, withdraw and protect myself - instead of giving myself away even when it hurts. Maybe, one day, maybe - I will get it and not live the Oprah "live my best life" - for me, making time for me and getting rid of "toxic friends"- but really live like Jesus taught us - to "live to love" - even if it costs us everything - maybe, one day -