CRAP

You know - this weekend I have been smacked against the face once again with my self-consumption! I think I am doing ok, that I am learning to need people, and I feel as if I have learned a lot about allowing people to speak truth into my life. AND THEN....It becomes ever so clear that I am really only in this game of life for me - that I am really the center of my life and that all I do is to make me feel better about myself or about my life. Unfortunately, the person who gets to be at the receiving end of this selfishness is mostly Aaron - I can't believe that I would be so self-centered that I would say things so that I would feel better about my position - even if it brings pain and agony to others - but I do! It is amazing how much I have realized about myself in my relationship with him - and the fact that he wants to be friends with someone who is so selfish amazes me!
the scary thing is, I am sure I am that way with other people - they are just not close enough to me for me to notice - I think I see how I would need to have the mantra "other people exist" because so often in my "movie" everyone is just here for me - after all, I am learning a lot and these people are the ones responsible for this growth (that is the Holy Spirit inside of them) - and they are making me have fun, and they think I am cool - so they are here for me! I forget that they have feelings, they have dreams, they need for me to say that they are cool - and that my focus on myself prohibits me from loving them....But what is worse, it makes me hurt them! HOW CAN I BE SO SELFISH! It makes me cringe -
actually the scary thing is I think this is normal, and maybe even on some level ok - totally expected in the human experience - that is what scares me! I think it is ok....ok to be a jerk if the other person is over-reacting, ok to think about myself so that I don't get walked on, ok to protect myself from the pain that comes from love - after all isn't love "exquisite pain!" - so I walk around with all of these things, acting as if it is ok- ok? Really? I mean, what good is my spirituality, my prayers, fasting, and other disciplines if I am selfish?
Really? Why do I have an expected level of selfishness that is ok - I mean, check me if I am wrong, but I think that Jesus wasn't selfish at all - and am I not supposed to have that attitude in my life? Why do I think that other people should just cut me some slack - is it because even when I am being "unselfish" all I am really doing is saying that other people are "selfish?" - so I am just blaming them and acting like I am wonderful - could that really be possible - have I just been kidding myself that I am learning to be unselfish - and if I am cursed that deeply - how will I ever be rescued from myself! Hurry back Jesus! I, for one, desperately need You to put me back together again!