Protest:

I was living in protest yesterday over my selfishness. I had been pricked by the Spirit earlier in the day and then I came home and read and “fussed” with J about it. I was still pretty sure it wasn’t fair that I was having to live here with nothing to do and that He should fix it. So, I got home and the college students were meeting at my apartment, so I hid in my room. I was crying and asking God why He would bring me here and give me such hope that my gifts and passions would mesh so easily into this team and city and then keep me from participating. Why He would spend a whole year getting me ready to say that I will raise support and then bring me here and see that the Company is actually getting along and working in this city? Why did He give me this random desire to study Peace and Reconciliation and then bring me here where I can see that it would be the perfect University platform and then show me that the schools here can’t pay me enough to live, much less pay off my student loan – so I have to go back to the Emirates for a few years. I don’t think that is fair!!! Why give me this vision and then delay it????
So, I was crying and fussing with J and then I decided I had enough and wanted to go prayer walking. (this way I would at least accomplish something!) So, I went to the door and it was locked. In order to unlock it you need a key. I didn’t have one – so I went looking for one in the apartment. Ma Fi (there is none) So, I called my roomies – they didn’t answer. So I called S (the subject of a blog all in itself- but I am not sure that I want to write that one J ) and he said that he would come and rescue me. But when he got here, the front desk didn’t have a key either! So, I was stuck in my apartment for the afternoon. It WAS AWFUL! It was like God was saying “you think you are so important, that you need to be a vital part of the work – well, I will get you locked in and no one will miss you so that you will have to get over that!” So, I did. I sat, unmissed in my apartment and wrestled with Jesus. We had it out. And He won (thankfully). I cried and told Him that I was disappointed. I told Him that I didn’t get it. I told Him that I didn’t like it. And He cupped His hands around my ears and told me that He loved me. That He knew that I didn’t like it, and that I might not ever understand – but that He has it all under control. So, I allowed Him to love me and read the Book – stories of this Comforting Jesus and then read some about the Lifeboat in Miller’s “Searching for God knows what” – it was a great time! Then, my roomies came back – we all went to dinner and then came back and played cards! It was a blast! I laughed so hard I almost wet my pants! It is great being on such a great team!