Selfishness

It seems that no many how much I learn about my selfishness I still have more to learn. It is kinda like that drive that never seems to end - you think you are close to your destination...But at every turn there is another and it never seems to end. That is me and my battle for love. I have learned so much about selfishness and the need for me to confess and run from it- but here in starbucks Hamra, Beirut I am getting yet another lesson. I have been frustrated at every turn - nothing is going the way that I want it to. I am not meeting people as quickly as I would like, I am not as busy as I would like and I am not doing anything that is gaining me a name. And so I am in the depths of despair as I waller in my selfishness. I have been hit upside the head by my definition of success and how selfish it is. I have realized that I want to use my gifts and let them be seen for my glory - so that I will be known in this place. Not do that God will be known. I have shirked from the minimal activities - I could spend my days prayer walking, but that would not let me be seen. I did not know that my depravity could go this far - that even my best intentions are tainted with my desire for fame and recognition. Well, that is not going to happen this summer- I am going to stay in the back of the van, away from anyone's notice and learn to serve. Really serve. Learn to pray as if that is all that matters - because it is. Learn to serve others by washing their dishes, showing them the store, giving up my expectations and desires and laying them down. I am going to learn to live for His sake - not mine. This is really scary to me - scary because I know that GOd doesn't have my back in this area....He let His Son endure endless shame and humiliation and never once stepped in to make it easier - so I am scared. But I know that if I am going to be a follower of Jesus I have to learn to serve. Even if it means a lot of tears, dreams and expectations being amputated from my very body and agony that cuts to the core of my personality- I will learn to serve.