Questioning shadow

Today was a good day at school- my kids weren't too bad and I didn't lose my patience! Which is good! I am hanging out with people more after school - and it is fun! Today I am supposed to go out with the KG1 Arabic teacher for sheesha - so that will be fun! And next week we are going to have sheesha as a "school" - because there are about 5 people - including my principal who has lived here for 9 years - who haven't even had it once! Yikes - it is definitely one of the best reasons to live here! But I have this nagging question - can I do this for another year? Will I be lonely, desperate for community and friendship that I just have to live going through the motions - or can I make friends and enjoy my time here! I mean what did I used to do when I lived in Dallas - I never went and had fun - I basically studied, worked, went to class, watched TV and then went to the movies on the weekend. I never hiked the "weak" trails around town, I never even walked all the way around White Rock Lake. I didn't go biking, or camping or really anything - so the fact that I have to live here where none of those things are available, why do I care? I remember making myself hang out with people at school because I got a TV and it was fun to come home and work on Greek in front of the TV instead of at the library or the starbucks - so I became a recluse. So, now I am here and I am dying for people to hang out with - and knowing that Vicki is going to leave soon (this summer) and I am going to be here the only single for miles, I wonder can I really make it? And then I think - but what if I never get married? Am I only going to live places where there are other singles? Or am I going to use my singleness as a gift - and pour myself out for others- even the married ones? So I am full of questions and devoid of answers!
And I feel as if I am in a shadow as far as my walk with J is concerned. I know it is a relationship and you don't always feel as if any relationship is "the shit" all the time, but I feel as if it should feel great all the time with J - but lately I feel as if I am in that shadow that comes when you are on the "wrong" side of the mountain and the sun is going down - I mean, the other day we were out at a wadi ( a dry place that occasionally fills up with water) and we were nestled between these rocky craggy mountains in Oman - and the sun was really bright and hot. But as the sun was going down, it dropped behind the mountain and we were in the shadow of the mountain. We still had light, but the heat of the sun was gone. That is what I feel like right now - I mean I know that it is just about loving God and others - but I feel like I need some new theology to get excited about, or some new aspect of this love to contemplate - and the "humdrum" of life has hit me in the face! And just like the TV shows where no one goes to the bathroom or sleeps or eats on a regular basis - I feel as if these things are boring and I need something more! But these things are the moments that make up life - right? So....I just sit and enjoy the cool of the evening, the first stars and then the sunrise at some time in the future - and with it the blast of new thoughts, ideas and plans - will I miss the stillness of the shadow?