Alone in the Library

Here I sit, alone in the library because it is summer and it is Saturday and who wants to be in the Library? No one - including me, but this will be my one chance to get my blogs posted for the weekend, because the Library will be closed tomorrow - so, here I sit!
I have been thinking a lot lately - mostly made up stories about what I will do when I get to meet Miller himself in less than a month, or what I will say when I meet people in class, or various and assundary positions I will find myself in the next week - isn't our brain a crazy thing? I mean I can have full out conversations with another person in my brain - the other person always saying just the right thing to make me look smart, funny and great to be with - of course! I rarely look stupid, feel nervous or out of place in these conversations - that is probably why I keep having them! Anyway...I have done a lot of thinking about things the last few days - not having a job and not having school will do that to ya! I have finished two books in the last 24 hours and will probably dust off another one in the next 24 hours - not having a TV will do that to ya! Anyway.... My point is that I have plenty of time to think - so I have been and I have realized that I don't like relying on people because I have a basic trust issue - that doesn't just end in my earthly relationships but extends to my relationship with J - I often tell him what I need, rejoice with Him when I see something cool or cry out to Him in worship or pain - but the daily trusting of Him - you know, telling Him I am insecure about my appearance, or my desire to be on that life boat, or my need for people to think I am fun and cool - those are things I leave for my conversations in my head with authors of note and people I think are cool - not with J! And, then I don't really think He is good - whatever Good is...I still haven't figured that one out - but I think of God as more or less an idea that has to be solved, not a friend to hike with - and "good" sounds to me like "mushy" or "sweet" - and I think God is so much bigger than those ideas, so I have a hard time thinking of God as "good" and I am beginning to think that the first time we see "good" in the Bible - at creation - and then the first time we see it with it's opposite - "evil" - in the "tree of the knowledge of good and evil" is really what God wants us to think of when I hear that He is "good" - it is not that He is a mushy guy, or super sweet to all around Him - but rather that there is nothing evil in Him and that He can be trusted - That He is love, light and all that is right - and that is what He wants me to actively believe about Him and live as if it is true - but I am a far cry from trusting Him that much - I am afraid of what adventures that faith might bring - so I am launching another treck through the Gospels, to see J as "One who is to be trusted" - I am anxious for this lesson of the Spirit to burn deep and get rid of all that keeps me from loving deeply and walking securely in my faith - It is painful, walking with these "spiritual band -aids" but it is such a joy to know that He is calling me to a deeper relationship with Him...And that this hike is for that - a relationship that shouts His character..Not mine...His security..Not my insecurities...His fame...Not mine....