Belief

You - know I was reading last night in Blue Like Jazz....A favorite that I am re-reading to make sure I don't forget what it "is all about" while here at school- getting my head filled with all kinds of great knowledge that puffs up - and he made a statement that "what we believe is not what we think, what we believe is what we do. "
And as I drifted off to sleep thinking about this idea....I began to examine my life and see what I do....And I realized that I value money way more than I say I do, and I value "coolness" way more than I say I do, and that I am WAY more self -absorbed than anyone would like to admit! How do I value money?- well, I say that money is nothing but a thing - a thing that is to be spent on others and given way...But the way I spend my money shows that I value convenience over generosity. I mean, I haven't been to the grocery store in weeks. I say it is because it is "just as cheap to eat out as a single person as it is to cook!" But that simply isn't true. It is easier to eat out as a single person, but it is definitely more expensive. So, I value my convenience - I don't think "If I take my sandwich to work, instead of eating at Chick-fil-a, then I would be able to give more money away this week, or I would be able to treat a friend to lunch, or I would be able to support a friend that lives overseas!" No, I think - "it is too much work to worry about lunch - I have too much to worry about already - I will just relax at lunch and get whatever I want!" - So, I say I believe that money is just a thing, and that we need to help the poor, but really I am consumed by spending money on myself!
And how do I value "coolness" more than I value godliness - well, I realized that there are things that I believe simply because I think it makes me "cool" to believe them. Isn't it amazing how in America these days, you don't believe things because you really believe them- you believe things that make you a part of a group....And most of these beliefs are nothing more than passing trends. I have realized that there are things that I believe about people - whether they are "sweet" or they are "girly" or they are "arrogant" - things that are really judgments, not evaluations - and I believe these things about people simply so I can put myself in the "cool" zone - and put them far away from me!
And that leads me to the fact that I believe I am so important - I mean! COME ON! I say that I want to be apart of something that is bigger than me - but how can that really be the case when most of the time I have to convince myself that other people really exist! I go through life, so stuck on my own experience, so stuck on my goals and desires, so stuck on me...That the reality is I act as if there is nothing that is bigger than me! I am all consuming - I am all that matters! YIKES! If it is true that we believe not what we think - if what we believe is what we do - then I guess I believe that Katy is all that matters -YIKES! What ugly sin! YIKES! What a cursed, wretch I am! YIKES!