Loneliness

Loneliness - it is a bear! I was thinking today about Blue like Jazz and the chapter on community - you know, the one where it talks about him talking to Elizabeth Barrett Browning and the cartoon about the guy flying out in space - getting gagged by his hair! funny stuff! Well, if you don't remember, or haven't read it - go read it - it will help you understand what I am about to write. I was thinking about this chapter in Blue Like Jazz because the last few weeks have been really lonely. I realized today that I have been lonely for a while - I realized it because I was talking to a friend who just got engaged (hooray Louise!) and I was thinking about the phone calls and emails that I have been exchanging with Joe -and the fact that I am mad at him since he has dropped off the face of the earth the last few weeks. I was wondering why I am mad at him, and it hit me - I am lonely! I have been latching on to every hint of intimacy, unity or community that I have been given over the last few months. So whether it has been an email from an ex-boyfriend or an email from a friend, I have been looking for friendship everywhere I look. Not that I don't have friends, I have friends at work, friends at church - but compared to the wealth of friends that I had in Dallas - I feel completely empty. I forgot to tell my friends how great they were, I forgot to thank them for all that they did for me! I now see how important my friends are - so, I am not so lonely that I am gagging on my own hair - but I am longing for deep relationships - I am praying now that I will not run back home and become a leech on anyone who offers friendship - but I am praying that I will have deep friendships with those friends I love there in Dallas - as well as new ones I don't even know yet!