This Cursed Earth and Sin

Tears are rolling down my face – my vision is blurry and I can’t see the screen or the keys – I HATE MOVING! It means I lost all my friends – I mean, not lost them-lost them – but lost them! I mean, they are all on another time zone from me – Louise is getting married as I write this, Vickie is on a plane "home" gazing into her engagement ring, Stacey is in Oman getting ready for school tomorrow, and I just need to have a friend here – I mean – someone who knows my wacky moods and can tell when I’m getting off base – and can get caught up in an idea with me…..so caught up that we both talk and talk and then come to some sort of conclusion that is a mix of both our ideas – not just laughing at mine or taking mine as their own – and then I thought…I know I will call my brother! And as I thought this I cried even more….because really I just want someone to remind me who names me – and Josh and Green always do such a good job at that! I mean, they always know how to make me laugh at myself – and can easily point out sin in my life – and yet, they know when I just need them to remind me that even though I need people, I don’t need them to name me! Oh Father – I just wish that You were here, that You could put Your hand on my shoulder and grab me in a bear hug – that I could feel Your Love in Your real embrace – DAMN this cursed earth and sin and all that keeps me from really experiencing that! And yet, I know that the fact that I want others to speak words of truth into my life is such a sign of God’s love for me…that He has already provided that for me! But what if I want more? What do I do with that? I hate feeling unsatisfied with all that God has given me – I hate feeling like I need a man to make me feel worthy in this world. I hate the drive for American women to be married, and have kids and that is what names them – because then we have to talk about it all the time! I have talked more about getting married in the last 4 weeks than I have in the last two years! AND IT IS DRIVING ME CRAZY! I mean, it is "making" me manufacture crushes on guys, making me think that I need a hand to hold or an arm around me – all things I had even forgotten existed! And, when I do remember that they are a part of reality – all I want is to have Joe back, the normal, great guy that he is – who knows me and loves me anyway…..and then it hits me, that probably doesn’t even exist anymore either! I mean….I am sure that things would be just as weird and uuuuuu with us now as ever! SO I AM STUCK! DAMN this cursed earth and sin! I want to know what it is to love and give myself away and yet I don’t know how to do that – and I can’t have a real relationship with a guy here on campus and it is starting to hit me, that my boycott of marriage means that I won’t get to even hold hands with a guy for the next 11 years!!!!!! And then I think – what is so bad about that? Or, I think…maybe not, maybe Don Miller will fall in love with me when he meets me next weekend – see I can’t even get that joke out of my mind! What is going on????? What is happening to me????? I feel as if I am falling apart!!!!! One minute I am as happy as a clam and the next I am freaking out because I don’t have a boyfriend! WELCOME TO THE USA! I don’t like living here in this culture – it is too complicated! I like it when there are only two boys to pick from and one of them is already taken and the other one is not an option – no matter what! I like having a few friends who understand that you need them and they need you – and that are honest and loving and gentle in their rebukes, but most importantly…we have a truckload of fun together and yet are not superficial and fake – we genuinely talk and laugh and "are" with each other – I mean, I think back to my time even in Andrews – Green and Josh and I laughed hard – we played hard too- but we had life changing talks as well……that is what I want! That is what I need! So, why don’t I have it!?!?!?!? Why do I feel as if God has awaken desires in me – to be loved, to be real, to be accepted and considered beautiful and "valued" – and yet, there is no one to do that! Is He just making it hard so I will see that only He can do it? Is He just making me realize that the best is coming with His return? Is He just mean? Am I just stupid? OUCH!!!!!! Today has been a day of incredible bliss and one of incredible pain! And I guess that is what happens when you are human in a fallen world – but I hate it! So once again…. DAMN this cursed earth and sin!!!!