Talent show

Last night I went to a talent show at DTS - it was full of people trying to do spiritual things to show off their talent. I was amazed that we have so many people at DTS that can write, make people laugh and sing - but I was also amazed at the Christian mind that has to have everything be "spiritual." And why is spiritual always end on a happy note? - no one got up there and read poetry about what I was feeling:

caught in the space between words,
hidden in the crook of the question mark wondering when the answer would be written


that's right - I got off work - where I had people cuss at me all day long because I work for a company that doesn't always tell the truth and that is really poorly managed. I sat at work, fighting back tears - listening to my co-workers frustrated and breaking - and I thought "GOD! DID YOU NOT HEAR ME!!!! I WANT A NEW JOB!!!!" - I sat thinking about why God is "refusing" to provide a new job for me - and the insecurities flood in...It is because I am not managing my money well, it is because I should have stayed in the Emirates, it is because I don't pray hard enough - and the tears begin to slip down my cheek.
I wanted someone to say - me too! But no one was even willing to give me a peek into "realness" why? I don't know - but I know that in my life, I am not real because people won't like me! I know that if I told people that last night I was drowning in insecurity and longing for a friend to laugh with - that I would have been "scary" to those around me. I know that if I had said - I hurt- I need Jesus to come back- that I would get an "I am sorry" instead of a "me too!"
so, I will try to be real- even if that scares people - but I am sick of the "bless her heart" eyes that I see when I start saying that I am fallen and need Jesus- like they don't feel like that!