Nuclear war on my boat

I happened today - one of those moments that takes your self-esteem and flattens it! I had a hard time getting dressed today....You know, one of those days when you get dressed and you see every flaw in your body - and amazingly everything you put on highlights these same flaws. I felt like a walking advertisement for body flaws! But, as usual I told myself that I have "kick-tail eyes" and got in my small life boat and went to class. I was impressed that I was able to do this, muster enough courage to leave the house in such a small and flimsy life-boat. But go to class I did, quickly sitting down to hide the pitiful lifeboat I had dragged in with me. And then the prof called people up to get some handouts. It was like it was all in slow motion. I saw her, dark hair flowing, cute little dress, and then she looked at me and smiled and I saw piercing blue eyes! And then all hell broke loose in my head! (NO! I am not telling you that I am gay...Hold on...It is too early to declare the moral of this story) My life boat was nuked! Nothing was left of it - no more "my eyes are cool" because hers are too, no more "my hair is dark - and dark hair and blue eyes are an unbeatable combination" - because she had it too! So, immediately in true Oprah fashion, my keen sense of survival kicked in. I ran through the lists of other life boats I could conjure up to get me through this situation - I am WAY prettier than she is...Well maybe not, better leave that one on the shore...I am WAY smarter than she is - ok that one will do - I am WAY more fun....Ok, getting better and I have WAY cooler toe-nail polish than she does! That's it! A winner! Ok, I was safe - I was not going to be outdone.....But then, I realized that my self esteem was still teetering on the greatness of my toe polish, so I better keep going. I concluded that she must be stupid, a boring legalist and I am sure she is a counseling major who has major needs! And if this is all true, then no one who "picks" her over me is worth my time and effort anyway! Now, I was safe....in my new totally secure life boat, fully equipped with a barbed wire fence to keep cute chic out, even if she is drowning herself!
OUCH! Do you see what I just did? I tried to make my self esteem stay afloat by toe nail polish and trashing a beautiful - and I am sure, Godly girl- who is here at school trying to learn how to serve our Great God better! I don't even know her - and yet I let my need to compare totally crush her and make her detestable in my mind! And how is that allowing me to love others as more important than myself? How is that loving anyone?
What a clear picture of what my lack of recognizing my redemption can do. I had such a need to be an individual, one who stands above the rest - that when offered a chance to see others and accept them for who they are I ran the other way and made them my enemy!
Oh Father! Thank You for Your grace that gave me such a clear picture of how my lack of trusting in You for my redemption does not lead to love and honor and acceptance, but rather leads to hate, and distrust and disunity. I want nothing more than to love You and to love others....But in order for me to do this I have to know that You loved me "just because" and that there is nothing I can do to make you love me more - no funny-ness, no intelligence, no toe nail polish is going to make You love me anymore! You already love me....You love me! And all I have to do is rest in Your unfailing love, a love that reaches down to such a depraved, evil girl as me (who has put her trust in Oprah and puny, pitiful lifeboats) and has given me True Life, True love and True transformation in Jesus! And then, when this transformation starts to take place, then I can have community with others the way You have planned. Not seeking my selfish needs met, but recognizing how great it is to receive the love of God through others!