the terror of selfishness

I feel as though I am on the edge of Half Dome – in the beauty of Yosemite- looking down at the green – so green it hurts your eyes – and the water – rushing at speeds that I can’t comprehend- and the art of creation is so incredible – and then I realize that I am standing on a 10,000 foot cliff! The world that is spreading out before me is dangerously far below me – and to experience it, I must join it – some how……and it feels as if I must jump!
No, I am not suicidal….I am trying to understand how to embrace the life that God has given me, and I am realizing that a lot of me must die in order for me to do that. I just got off the phone with a dear friend and as I was talking these ideas came to my head – ideas that bring such terror, such pain and agony that even to say them makes me quake – but none-the-less they are true! I was talking about the story of the girl who told her husband that he didn’t know her, because if he had to tell her the one memory that really defined her- he wouldn’t have a clue. And then I said that the reality is, my memories that make me think "This is the real Katy!" don’t include anyone else – They are me being silly, me being stupid, me protesting something – and I have been realizing this week that I think that the thing that makes me "Katy" is the thing that makes me different. And although this might sound fun, it means that I am always trying to be different in order to retain my identity – I have to be a feminist, or a democrat, or believe this or that, or ladi dadi da…..and because of that I can’t have true community. I see myself as separate from those around me – a barrier of idenity that keeps me from joining them. I see myself as an individual of individuals – and as I was reading in my church History book yesterday – Christianity is incompatible with Individualism! And as I read this, my heart ached! Because that is what I am, deep down, down to my toes, to the backside of my heart – I am an individualist! I want to be me, no one else – I want to be complete by myself – with no need of anyone! And I am realizing how non-Jesus that is…..and how whole heartedly I have been following Oprah! I can’t express the fear that this brings to my heart – or the ache that it brings as I realize my small capacity for love……I tell myself it is just my insecurities that make me say, "he would never be interested in me" or that cry louder than any voice, "he would never like YOU!" - no ,those are not insecurities, those are lies – lies much deeper than they sound, because they come from a bedrock of individualism – one that states that I should protect myself at all costs, one that states that the pain of friendship and the pain of love are not worth my effort, because I can rise above the need of people….I can be the individual!
And yet, that is all I have ever been…..I have never been one to melt into a crowd, I have never been one to go with the flow of ideas and just grab on like everybody else – I HAVE ALWAYS DEFINED MYSELF BY MY INDIVIDUALITY! And now, I hear that quiet, loving voice saying so softly – but so firmly- "Katy, give it to Me! Let Me define you…let Me show you how your greatness comes in your love – let me enlarge your heart to really love Me….to have a heart that is not strangled by yourself, that is not shrinking because of the dryness of individualism…..Let me make your heart grand – Let Me take you to depths of pain, and yet depths of True Love that you have never even begun to imagine! Let ME define you – Let me make you part of My body – not an individual…Let me make you be my Bride, together with so many others who have come, not by themselves….but by My grace! Let Me make you Mine!"
Oh, Father – that is what I want! I want a heart that is not dulled and hardened because I have kept it so safe….I want to experience Your love for me…by being a people made for Your possession, not a girl made for Your possession – I want to know the joy of running as Your Bride – together with thousands of others who together proclaim that it is by Your Grace – and not our individualism – that has given us this treasure! I want my heart to be exploded into a heart that can embrace and love others! I want my heart to be able to reflect the measure of love that I have been given – no puny, little love…..A HUGE, Gi-normous kind of love – a love that takes me beyond my boundaries, beyond my lies, beyond every anchor that holds me to my personality – every anchor except the redemption of Christ. I want to hold to nothing else…..
So, even though I hear the screams of terror exuding from my heart, and even though the cries of torture and pain seem to drown those screams out….Triune God, I don’t want to be a woman who has wasted her life by holding on to herself. I want to experience the joy of being a "people" for Your possession…..I don’t want to think that You came for only me…….I want to know that we, together, all whacked to our deepest parts, are enjoying the treasure of Your redemption as we pour Your love, Your grace, and Your forgiveness into each other, – and that we catch a glimpse of things to come, when we will truly be Your Bride – clothed in nothing but Your righteousness and You redemption – nothing of our own- and we stand beside You as Your body, a Holy people….to show forth Your praises for eternity!