A sun burned heart

I have a few posts that I haven't posted yet - they are on my computer at home that is currently not connected to the globe via the internet and they will remain there until I get a pay check in a few weeks and I can afford to have internet in my house!
But for now, I will have to write when I get a chance in the Library - which seems to be less frequent than frequent. But!
So anyway - I have realized how much I really enjoy having a blog, I love being able to confess my sins to the compose screen and know that in some way I am being open with others and admitting my needs - so here is another one of those days! I have realized that I have heart that is sunburned - you know, when you are sunburned someone reaches out to give you a hug and you recoil, knowing that the pain it will cause is not worth the "good" of the hug. Well, I think that is what my heart is like! I have realized that I have let events in my past - crummy events- dictate how I allow my heart to feel. And I am walking around unable to let people grab me in a warm embrace, unable to allow people to touch my heart, unable to be close to them - all because I have let my heart stay "burned" - it is not easy admitting that events that happened almost 13 years ago have done this kind of damage to my heart - it is not easy admitting that things that people have said and sins that people have committed against me can haunt me years after the event - I agree with Patty here in that it is like I am living with ghosts - all of whom remind me how I am not pretty enough, how I am not going to be used of God and how I am not worthy to be ...... - all of whom spill lies into my head all day long and dredge up the things that I have tried for so long to find redemption in and who repeatedly fail me every time - all of whom remind me to keep my heart sunburned so that I can escape the pain of relationships in the future! But that is not what our Great Savior teaches - He said for me to deny myself - with all of my ghosts - and to live in a relationship where I depend on Him alone for my redemption! He offers me grace - what a great word!- to cover all of my issues - a grace that is just as real as the pain, a grace that is just as real as the sin, a grace that is just as real as my fallen nature - but a grace that is bigger than all of those things! A grace that is more sufficient than all of those things! A grace that is more extensive than all of those things! There is not an area in my life where God's grace is not flowing and changing me to be more like Him! WOW!!! So, I live today, my heart is sunburned but it is healing. I live today knowing that I need people - I live today knowing that I am totally dependent on God's grace for redemption - and I live today -