It's funny

You know it is funny how things work out - I started blogging for the people back home to be able to see what I was learning while I was overseas - now the people overseas can see what I am learning in the States! But more than that - I have realized that I have to blog - it has now become a Spiritual discipline - without this pecking away at the keys. Without this blue and orange screen, without this forcing myself to reflect on my life - I quickly slip into self-absorption. I was talking to some friends this week about how I feel as if I have gotten all "heady" lately - and then, as a good friend does, she asked me "Why?" and then I responded - without really thinking and said - "I haven't blogged, I don't confess my sins any more - I mean, I think that the rate of confession is equal to the rate of spiritual growth." This may sound weird - but I think of blogging as group confession - I mean, I sit here...Look at this screen and pour out my heart to all who read it. I don't want to say that this is as good as confession to "real people" - I totally agree that I need to share these thoughts with the people that are in my life - but I also think that the practice of thinking through them on the computer helps me be able to express myself accurately when I do share them.
So- what do I need to confess today? Well, I have recently been thinking a lot about getting married - DON"T FREAK OUT! I know - it is weird to hear me say that, too....But I have been blown away by the picture of marriage and how cool it is that God has given us a relationship here on earth where we can show His relationship with us! But in realizing that I want to get married, I have realized how self-protective I am in the area of relationships - thinking that no one would ever be interested in me, I claim that I am not interested in anyone.
That is a long story - a novel actually- and I apologize because I do not have the time to go into it right now -
Anyway, As I look around campus, I started looking to see if there were any guys that I could marry - forcing myself to not be a self- protectionist. But yesterday it hit me! I don't know any guys who love other people the way I want to - I mean, I read Don's stuff and I am amazed at his desire to love other people - and I think back to my conversations with Stacey and Vicki and I am amazed at how much they love other people - I look at my brother and Green and think "they really love other people!" but here at school, we love God - we really want to love Him with our whole heart and soul and especially our minds - but people? Love our neighbor? That doesn't seem to be a thread running through the campus. And then the OUCH moment came - I realized that I too have fallen into this trap - I too am only concerned with loving God, my passion for others has fled with the onset of Greek quizzes - I no longer have these overwhelming burdens for people - I was reading Don last night - and the things that used to stir in me, I have to conjure up! I can't believe this is happening! It makes me want to run away!
I don't mean to say that my friends don't love others - I have great friends, some of whom are careful to call out Godliness in me-even if it hurts. Like the friend who asked how much of this thought about others loving people the way I do is really just my self protectionism - what a great friend! And he made me realize that I should say that other people are trying to love others, but maybe they are not doing it in the way I want them too, or in the way that I want to love others - does any of this make any sense? So I am realizing how easy it is to fall into everyday Christianity - without really forcing ourselves to leave our comfort zones. And even though my comfort zone may have gotten bigger, I am still sitting pretty, comfortable and trying to love those who I know how to love - and not stretching myself to love those who I don't have a clue how to love! I wish I could express myself better - but I am out of the habit....So I will blog again tomorrow and hope that this discipline of pounding the keys will become a practice in godliness