It is killing me to have to write this - because it for the last year blogging has been such a huge tool in my life. But I have realized in the last few weeks as the deep wounds of my heart have been examined and the defenses that have walled my soul have been demolished- that I use this blog as a way to "air my laundry" without having to really interact with people. I am writing and you might or might not think that I am learning - but either way, I don't get to know about it. I used to write these for my brother - but now many people read it and I write for all of you- and this means that I write with my defences in tact. I wish I could tell you when it would be back, when I can look at the "post screen" and write about my life again - but I don't know. All I know is that I am hurting- as I look at the wounds of my soul- some feel as if they are as deep as the ocean- and my eyes are adjusting to the darkness that has covered my soul - and that I am trying to figure out this pit I have fallen into and in order to get out I have to stop walling myself in - and I have to stop hiding and living my life through this blog - so.... I want you to be apart of my life - so if you want updates and details - email me! Ktforpresident at yahoo! until then -
I would never have thought that Solidare would be a place that I would look back on and say “this is another place that God allowed healing in my life.”Nor would I have ever guessed that I would be talking about my scars and baggage and fears with someone I had just met a week before!Nor would I have guessed that the Holy Spirit would have used this friendship to break down my selfish defenses that I had so carefully built around me.Nor did I think that I would be able to see grace in action through the gentle words of a friend sitting across the table at Friday’s.Nor did I think that I would hear piercing questions and actually receive them (another act of the Spirit!)from that same friend- this time at Starbucks (don’t worry, I haven’t changed that much….I had water!).I would have never guessed that this was the way I was going to see God work in my life this summer.But that is the way Grace is – not expected and sometimes painful.I have been totally gobsmacked by a friendship that God has placed into my life in the last few weeks.I have never had a friend quite like this – so I don’t know how to explain it.Let me just say that he razzes me like a brother, is tender with me and yet never lets me slide away from the truth and he is a TON of fun to hang out with!We didn’t have much time to get to know each other – so the gutsy man that he is just asked me to share the deep things of my heart.I didn’t think he could handle them – but his space for hearing and receiving the deep things of my heart seemed to expand with each disclosure!I saw God’s grace and love materialize before my eyes in the friendship that He was beginning – bringing people from opposite sides of the US to a place half way around the world to experience community and love and grace in each other!My faith, love and hope have been increased by the minutes that we have spent with each other.There is no way to explain this kind of friendship – it is like trying to describe the laughter of a child to someone that has never heard.I know that I will look back at these times with great joy- because of all the pain and hurts that were shared – and remembering the grace, faith, hope and love that was oozing out of the bonds that the Spirit was forging between us!
