This week has been an eye-opener for me and my views on freedom. I believe whole heartedly that J has freed me from the law and that all things are now lawful, but not all things are profitable. I also believe that there is no condemnation for those who are J - and that He has freed me - really freed me - and that there is no need to be subject to the yoke of slavery again! But having said all of that - how do I know that what I do is an act of freedom and not an act of rebellion? We all know that rebellion is wrong - that it is a declaration of my independence and in that way I am declaring that I am like God (this is why Samuel likens the sin of rebellion to the sin of witchcraft) - so how do I live in freedom and not rebel? Let's take a specific issue - sheesha! Everyone who knows me well knows that I love to smoke sheesha. It is something that I believe whole heartedly that I am free to do - no one seems to have a problem with it except believers who are trying to maintain some sense of "better than you" in their spirituality. So, I am free to do this - but how do I know that I am not doing this to rebel against those people who think it is wrong? And how far do I have to go to prevent this from being the case? I mean, to ensure that I am not rebelling, do I have to not do any questionable activities? That seems to not be freedom at all, rather it is walking in other people's ideas of obedience! Or do I just live in my freedom with no worries about others - that doesn't seem to be Christian either! I don't want to be rebellious - I think that something we as Christians get to do - that no other religion gets to do - is to willingly submit to our authority. It is distinctively Christian because all other religions either seek to have no authority or they force others into subjection to God or others - but as Christians, we believe I am free in Christ - and I can choose to submit or I can not - so my submission is an act of my will - not an act of subjection! So, how do I submit to the freedom I have been given, and yet not be put into slavery by other's wishes or desires? I don't know - it is something I am thinking about and trying to discern - but I want to walk with Jesus and I don't want to be known by my rebellious behavior - and it seems lately that the way people know me is by my deviant behavior - I am glad that I am known as one who gives grace and does not condemn - but I hate the idea of being known as a rebellious person! I don't think that is godly at all! I want to be known by the fruit of the Spirit - and one of those is self control - so how does my rebellious activity relate to that?- it doesn't!!! Is there any way I can do these things (outside of doing them in a closet in my house with no one else ever finding out) ? I mean - is it possible to live in freedom and not rebel?
I went to a vigil this week - I would have written about it earlier, but I had a 20 page paper due and blogging had to be moved back a bit in the priority list! Anyway - there was this vigil that was held for the 2,000 American soldiers that have died in the war. I went with the people that I met last week from Move-on and this really cool guy from school. Anyway, I called the media and we had the TV and newspapers there - it was cool! So, we get there and they ask us to go and see if anyone is lost on the square and needs directions to the vigil- so Mike and I go off with this lady who tells us that she grew up homeless, was pimped out by her mom and dad - and then when she went to church she was molested by the priest! YIKES! And the thing is - she still loves God -but she is a democrat, so I am not sure that most Christians would believe that He loves her - :) So then the vigil starts - and a lady stands up and begins to read the names of those who have been killed - the list seems to settle in the air like a cloud of smoke - choking us with the names and lives that have been lost. The anger and hurt was written in the faces around me - I was overwhelmed with feelings - I couldn't believe that I had been turned down by at least 7 people when I asked them to come - 7 Christians who wouldn't come to mourn the loss of American life - I was amazed that these people - most of whom are not believers - were all there to honor life. I was amazed at how I felt as I heard these names, names I have never heard before - some of them Redneck names, some of them Arabic names, some of them African American names, some of them Hispanic names, some ladies, some men - different names, all representing lives and people who will never walk on this planet again. I was in tears - amazed at how many people had been lost! It took over an hour and a half just to read the names, we stood - watched the sun set and the candles gleam brighter - and we stood - in honor of those people - we stood - in grief in pain at the loss of life - we stood - all wanting peace - and quickly. I was asked to pray at the end - my gay friend who knows I go to seminary asked me to pray - and I prayed that God would forgive us for our lack of love for life, that God would forgive us for not valuing Peace, that God would forgive us for this mess that we had made - and I prayed that He would allow us to value life, to value our freedom as Americans and that He would allow us to live our lives in light of the fact that life is precious.
Last night I met a few people from the organization "Move-On.org" - this is an organization that most Christians do not agree with for obvious reasons (go to their web site if you are not familiar with this organization) I joined this group because we share some common ideology about justice, racism and poverty. Last night we met to talk about a memorial service that is going to be held in Dallas commemorating the 2,000 American soldiers that have died in Iraq since the invasion. It was a time of inward turmoil - as I met these people I was struck by the fact that none of them would be accepted in a church. They were not "cool" - some of them were extremely "hippy," one was gay - and announced it within 10 min of meeting him - and another walked with a limp (so he was not a jock, and he wasn't a nerd either - so he just doesn't fit). As I looked at these people, I was struck by the fact that they have found community in the democratic ideals - and that they would be rejected by the people of God. They would not have been allowed in - mainly because they are not "cool" - it has nothing to do with the fact that they are flaming liberal - but the fact that they are weird, they don't fit into the "normal" in the way they dress, act and interact with others. I was deeply saddened by this revelation. I so want to love them, I so want them to know that God would not reject them the way the church has - I wanted them to know that God cares about poverty and death and justice - I wanted them to know that God isn't a republican - that He is so much bigger than any political party! But how can I convince them of this, when we talked about a new law that is outlawing gay marriage in Texas and they are all big supporters - seeing this as a civil rights issue! How? The complexity of my political beliefs are beginning to take over my thoughts - I think and talk about them all the time! It is great because I am talking about things that are extremely practical - and things that my theology plays into in a major way - it has been fun, but it makes me conflicted - how can I be a Christian and still be a political person? Is there an answer to which political ideals are more important than others? Can I say that the aids crisis and poverty around the world are not as important as Gay marriage? Can I say that equal rights for those who are less affluent is not really that important? Is the only political issue that matters Gay Marriage? And if so - how do I hold to the Biblical ideal of marriage and still really love those who see that as a personal slam? OH! I am so conflicted!
Wisps of golden leaves are scattered before me as petals preparing the way for the bride. I go in, an intruder on this false solitude, anxious to join the community of the creation with its Creator. The path with its roughness and crags once shouted of survival- now covered with a soft blanket of yellow it speaks softly of rest from the heat of summer. My breath quickens with the climb - and with every breath I declare that I am not alone - I breath and declare that I am mortal. I breath and declare that I cannot provide for my own existence. I breath and declare I need I need I need I need I walk on, persistent - I will not be embargoed - with each step declare that I too need rest form the heat, I too need peace from the struggle to survive. The tress crackle, laden with leaves falling to their death - And I look out over this community of nature And I walk on in the false solitude of the almost winter forest.
Today I am super emotional - it is probably because I only got 5 hours of sleep, I am stressed by the truckload of homework that has to be accomplished this weekend- and I only have 6 hours to do it in....Otherwise I don't sleep again! Or because I am a girl and I can be emotional if I choose - but the particular flavor of emotionalism is that I am looking around at all of my friends and I am seeing them pair up - it seems as if everyone I hang out with has someone interested in them.....Except me! What is it about me? Am I really that bad? I mean- I love kids, love people, love God - or at least I try to do these things- I am intelligent, I am funny, I am genuinely concerned about things that matter- of course, I am whacked, act like a jerk more often than I would like to admit, and have serious self-esteem issues on most days - but over all..... So what is it about me? Why are all the other girls I hang out with having guys ask them out, having guys interested in them? Why am I the only one who is untouchable? I tell myself one of two things - the first and most likely to be in my head on any given day -is that I am not pretty enough to catch a guy- but the second is that I scare guys off by being opinionated and smart and funny - this is the idea that prevents me from breaking down into tears today - the idea that the guys are the ones that are stupid -but is that really true? I mean, don't we always see people who are 35 and not married or dating, and don't we assume that there is a reason? I mean, if they were the great catch that we think they are, somebody would have snagged them up- right? They must be emotional basket cases, or have serious sin issues - or can't relate or commit to anyone! We don't think it is because the opposite sex is stupid! I mean - come on! Here I sit, about to break down, and all I can come up with is that boys are stupid! That is pathetic! I guess I could go with the tried and true - and it is true - that if I needed a husband, God would give me one - but for some reason that doesn't make me feel like any less of a freak today!
You - know I was reading last night in Blue Like Jazz....A favorite that I am re-reading to make sure I don't forget what it "is all about" while here at school- getting my head filled with all kinds of great knowledge that puffs up - and he made a statement that "what we believe is not what we think, what we believe is what we do. " And as I drifted off to sleep thinking about this idea....I began to examine my life and see what I do....And I realized that I value money way more than I say I do, and I value "coolness" way more than I say I do, and that I am WAY more self -absorbed than anyone would like to admit! How do I value money?- well, I say that money is nothing but a thing - a thing that is to be spent on others and given way...But the way I spend my money shows that I value convenience over generosity. I mean, I haven't been to the grocery store in weeks. I say it is because it is "just as cheap to eat out as a single person as it is to cook!" But that simply isn't true. It is easier to eat out as a single person, but it is definitely more expensive. So, I value my convenience - I don't think "If I take my sandwich to work, instead of eating at Chick-fil-a, then I would be able to give more money away this week, or I would be able to treat a friend to lunch, or I would be able to support a friend that lives overseas!" No, I think - "it is too much work to worry about lunch - I have too much to worry about already - I will just relax at lunch and get whatever I want!" - So, I say I believe that money is just a thing, and that we need to help the poor, but really I am consumed by spending money on myself! And how do I value "coolness" more than I value godliness - well, I realized that there are things that I believe simply because I think it makes me "cool" to believe them. Isn't it amazing how in America these days, you don't believe things because you really believe them- you believe things that make you a part of a group....And most of these beliefs are nothing more than passing trends. I have realized that there are things that I believe about people - whether they are "sweet" or they are "girly" or they are "arrogant" - things that are really judgments, not evaluations - and I believe these things about people simply so I can put myself in the "cool" zone - and put them far away from me! And that leads me to the fact that I believe I am so important - I mean! COME ON! I say that I want to be apart of something that is bigger than me - but how can that really be the case when most of the time I have to convince myself that other people really exist! I go through life, so stuck on my own experience, so stuck on my goals and desires, so stuck on me...That the reality is I act as if there is nothing that is bigger than me! I am all consuming - I am all that matters! YIKES! If it is true that we believe not what we think - if what we believe is what we do - then I guess I believe that Katy is all that matters -YIKES! What ugly sin! YIKES! What a cursed, wretch I am! YIKES!
I have realized that our obsession with ourselves goes deep -so deep that we only want to do things that are like us. I see this really clearly in the choice of movies that we make - I have recently been obsessed with seeing movies that challenge me - that take my ideas to their logical conclusions, or that show the disasters of human nature, or just are so philosophical that I am reeling with thoughts and ideas after the story.....But even then, I am only going for me! I get really mad at my friends who don't want to see movies like this - and then I realize that they too just want to see movies for their enjoyment - and their love for "shallow" shoot-em ups is no more a reflection of their self absorption than my love for "deep" movies! We are all going for ourselves - I so want to live a life that transcends my little "self" - I want to be more concerned for others than myself - I want even my movie choices to reflect how I want to be aware of things that are bigger and more complex than my world view - and I want my friends to do the same .....And then we are back again to my self absorption - it is about what I want and how I want my friends to be......Will it ever change? Who will deliver me from this self absorption? Praise be to God - who will one day send His Son to free me from this mortal body and change me to be like Him!
You know it is funny how things work out - I started blogging for the people back home to be able to see what I was learning while I was overseas - now the people overseas can see what I am learning in the States! But more than that - I have realized that I have to blog - it has now become a Spiritual discipline - without this pecking away at the keys. Without this blue and orange screen, without this forcing myself to reflect on my life - I quickly slip into self-absorption. I was talking to some friends this week about how I feel as if I have gotten all "heady" lately - and then, as a good friend does, she asked me "Why?" and then I responded - without really thinking and said - "I haven't blogged, I don't confess my sins any more - I mean, I think that the rate of confession is equal to the rate of spiritual growth." This may sound weird - but I think of blogging as group confession - I mean, I sit here...Look at this screen and pour out my heart to all who read it. I don't want to say that this is as good as confession to "real people" - I totally agree that I need to share these thoughts with the people that are in my life - but I also think that the practice of thinking through them on the computer helps me be able to express myself accurately when I do share them. So- what do I need to confess today? Well, I have recently been thinking a lot about getting married - DON"T FREAK OUT! I know - it is weird to hear me say that, too....But I have been blown away by the picture of marriage and how cool it is that God has given us a relationship here on earth where we can show His relationship with us! But in realizing that I want to get married, I have realized how self-protective I am in the area of relationships - thinking that no one would ever be interested in me, I claim that I am not interested in anyone. That is a long story - a novel actually- and I apologize because I do not have the time to go into it right now - Anyway, As I look around campus, I started looking to see if there were any guys that I could marry - forcing myself to not be a self- protectionist. But yesterday it hit me! I don't know any guys who love other people the way I want to - I mean, I read Don's stuff and I am amazed at his desire to love other people - and I think back to my conversations with Stacey and Vicki and I am amazed at how much they love other people - I look at my brother and Green and think "they really love other people!" but here at school, we love God - we really want to love Him with our whole heart and soul and especially our minds - but people? Love our neighbor? That doesn't seem to be a thread running through the campus. And then the OUCH moment came - I realized that I too have fallen into this trap - I too am only concerned with loving God, my passion for others has fled with the onset of Greek quizzes - I no longer have these overwhelming burdens for people - I was reading Don last night - and the things that used to stir in me, I have to conjure up! I can't believe this is happening! It makes me want to run away! I don't mean to say that my friends don't love others - I have great friends, some of whom are careful to call out Godliness in me-even if it hurts. Like the friend who asked how much of this thought about others loving people the way I do is really just my self protectionism - what a great friend! And he made me realize that I should say that other people are trying to love others, but maybe they are not doing it in the way I want them too, or in the way that I want to love others - does any of this make any sense? So I am realizing how easy it is to fall into everyday Christianity - without really forcing ourselves to leave our comfort zones. And even though my comfort zone may have gotten bigger, I am still sitting pretty, comfortable and trying to love those who I know how to love - and not stretching myself to love those who I don't have a clue how to love! I wish I could express myself better - but I am out of the habit....So I will blog again tomorrow and hope that this discipline of pounding the keys will become a practice in godliness
