I was reading today in Zach 9 about the return of Christ. I was reading here because of the particular promise that one day I will sparkle in the land like jewels in a crown and that I will be beautiful in the truest sense – all sin removed and the body re-created to be free from the curse! May it come soon Lord Jesus! Anyway- I was struck with a word picture that Zachariah uses. He is naming the children of Israel and promising them the abundant rewards of the Messiah and he address them as “prisoners of hope.” I was just floored by this. I have felt recently that I have been a prisoner of fear. I have lived for so long trying to escape pain. I don’t want a boy to reject me – so I won’t like anyone. I don’t want friends to hurt me – so I won’t really invest in anyone. I don’t want my parents to crush me – so I won’t allow them to be apart of my life. I have been ordering my life around fear for so long that I don’t even know what it is like anymore to be “whole” and live without it. But God has been pushing me to embrace hope. To realize that love casts out all fear. To see that being afraid removes all hope – and that is definitely the grace that I find in Jesus. And then I read – prisoner of hope! That’s it! I have become a prisoner of hope. I cling to it as if it is my last breath. I hope that one day I can serve Jesus without fear. I hope that one day I will have a life partner that is able to model beauty and love and grace every day in my life. I hope that I will have people around me that can witness the transformation of Grace that is being made in my life. I hope to invest in others and to bring the Kingdom of God near to many people. I am bound to hope – I can’t think of my life without it. I am under its control. I am its slave. Oh Father – make this be true! Make me a prisoner of your Hope!
When I hear this word only one thing really comes to mind. Amelia Earhart. No, not the pilot that was lost – the mountain. It is on the backside of the Yosemite Valley and climbs to an astounding 15,000 feet. It has this curvy road that leads to its summit and the view is INCREDIBLE! The bluest of lakes are at her feet, the Yosemite Valley and its 7 waterfalls caress her back – beautiful seems to have been invented here. I have been learning a lot about beauty in the last year – it seems as God wants me to understand it fully and to be able to use it to describe my relationship with Him. This week He gave me another lesson in beauty. It came in an unexpected time – but in my 3rd favorite place on earth, Solidare. I was going to hang out with a friend. We had just met the week before. He is a student at Biola and is here for 4-6 weeks. We met in odd circumstances – he was tagging along with another group, I was tagging along to see what the training was like. We hit it off immediately and had been able to chat a few more times. This was the first time that we were able to hang out without anyone else, so I was expecting a great night of conversation. We got downtown and after bouncing at 2 other places, we finally landed at Fridays. We chatted about theology and family and such. Then something beautiful happened. He gently asked me to put down my defences and talk about the pain and scars in my life. And I was able to share the messiness of my life – the pain and fears that keep me prisoner. He shared too – walking with me in the darkness of my life. We talked of pain, we talked of hope. We shared the truths that have preserved us in our dark hours – Ps 139 was gilded with love as we rejoiced together over the faithfulness and grace of our beautiful Savior. I will never forget this time. A few hours where hope was tasted. A few minutes where grace was real.
I got a note from my sister today telling me that she is moving to Washington state. I knew that she was moving. My brother and Green will be moving to Washington to help with a church plant there. They are taking a huge step of faith – and for that they are my heroes. It is not often anymore in our day and age that people will re-locate to love others – and this is exactly what they are going to do. I am so proud of them and I can’t wait to see and hear all that J teaches them on this adventure. But when I got the email today that said they will be leaving before I get home, it hit me – I won’t be living close to my family for the rest of my life. I have known this for a long time, but Josh and Green moving just makes this a bit clearer. I was crushed at the thought that I won’t get to see them until Christmas. It made my life choices hit home. I began to think that when I graduate I want to live overseas- away from my family. I know that I will keep in touch with my brother, and I already have plans for the “world’s best road trip” with Green next summer to celebrate our 30th – road trip from Dallas to Seattle with stops at the Grand Canyon, Yosemite and Vegas – man, it is going to be AWSOME!!! But I think that it just highlighted the fact that when I move I will be doing it by myself. I won’t have a husband and a few kids to watch the journey. I won’t have my best friend to meet me at the door and ask how my day was. I won’t have people to fuss with, people to bring up my ugly past and to remind me of how far God’s grace has brought me. I will have to do that through the internet- and make sure that I bond quickly with those in my new home – and live honestly before them in community. I think that this was why I reacted so much to the news that they were really moving. I love them so much and will miss seeing them the few times that I am on the east coast. It seems that the last few weeks I have been longing for a life partner. I say it that way because I don’t want to “be married” but rather I want someone who will partner with me. I want someone to watch the grace of God at work in my life – someone to have fellowship with and someone to have community with. Isn’t it whacked that my brother and sister move and it makes me want to get married!!! But that is where I sit. All week I have been singing “Great is Thy Faithfulness” – and that line that “all I have needed Thy hand has provided” keeps ringing in my ear. I remember a discussion I had with a friend before I left. She was talking about a boy she had a crush on and how she really wanted to get married. I remember telling her that it was pretty simple- either j provides for us or He doesn’t. I said that our hope was to be on Him and His return, not a husband. She winced and said that she wanted to at least hope to have sex before He came back. I laughed and said that if Jesus coming back wasn’t better than sex than I didn’t want any of this Christianity stuff! I think now I am having to eat my own words. Either He provides for me or He doesn’t. I know that He will give me what I need – but I am just impatient and wish that He would either take away the desire or give me a man :)
My favorite OT prophet is Elijah - and his sidekick Elisha. I love him for so many reasons, one of which is that he wasn't afraid to take risks, whine to God and do amazing things even at great risk to his life. But I have been re-reading his story along with reading the Gospels. And it has been so fun to see the "picture" of the Messiah that Elijah and Elisha were. Elisha feeds 100 people with a few loaves of bread and has left overs, he heals people with leprosy, raises people from the dead - little snapshots if what was to come. But these amazing stories are more like postage stamps - too small to really know much, but you know it must be big if they got a stamp! And then you read the story of J...How he fed 5000, how he healed lepers by just talking, how he forgave sins - how he raised people, not just one but people, from the dead - how He died and was raised, ascended! The list goes on! It is like God is "one-upping" the stories of the OT prophets! It is great! I have just been reminded how incredible our Savior is and what wondrous grace He has given to me that I might be called His child! WOW!
The mosque was incredible. That doesn’t begin to express its beauty. It is hard to tell about the atmosphere of a mosque – it is one of those things in life that has to be experienced. It can’t be told in words, but alas that is what I have been given to communicate – so I will try. The white walls stretched into the sky where the minarets towered even higher. They stood as a fortress between me and the life inside. I went and put on a brown sack (literally, it was a sack – but note that this did not keep guys from trying to hit on me! I must really have “it” because even in a sack I am a show stopper around here J) And breached the fortress. As I made my way in with one of my best friends here, I was blown away by the beauty. Every wall in the courtyard was dripping with gold and blue mosaics. They covered every wall and made the courtyard a place of exquisite color and light that I think can’t be matched anywhere by man made creation. People peppered the courtyard, all getting ready to go and pray. We pushed our way in even further – walking carefully as if we knew we were on enemy soil. AS we made our way into the prayer room, I was hit with intense color and light. All the arches – and there were at least 30 were rimmed in multi-colored stain glass. The ceiling was mosaic and would take every breath away. The chandeliers were of crystal falling in the light – and the dome, it was incredible -reaching far above as if to dwarf you just by looking into it. And there she was, at the foot of the dome. Dressed in black from head to toe. She was dutifully facing Mecca as she went down on her knees, then she stood, bowed and started over again. Tears crowed into my eyes. I was struck by the thought that Jesus was delaying His return so that He could show His grace in this mosque, to these people. That He loved them so much that He wanted them to be apart of His body – but that there was no one there to tell them. There are so few “workers” in Syria that the 2.75 million people in Damascus alone most likely will never meet one – much less receive a Bible or hear the story of His love. My heart broke at the immensity of His grace and the challenge before us. I walked carefully, praying for every face, every heart – begging God to send people to this place. And then I was met by my friend, he too in tears and we stood there – in that place of false worship – and called on the True God to bring people to Him. To bring worshippers in that place. To shine His light in their hearts and allow them to understand the Gospel. Tears falling, voices cracking – we begged God to be gracious to them. I will never forget that hour in that mosque.
Well, I came to starbucks today to send some emails on their wireless DSL and then I met two teachers who teach at the "big" international school here in Beruit. It was great - we chatted for a few minutes and then exchanged numbers and we will try to get together later this summer. That was an unexpected meeting! Anyway, I am writing because I have been listening to U2 for the last few days and the song "where the streets have no names" has become my theme song for the summer. I have been struck by this song before - but I have never lived in a place where you could tell so much about a person by just where they live. Are they in the Muslim section of town? The Christian area? Do they live in the south- cause if they do they are Hezbolah, etc, etc. And living here and listening to that song - that one day we will live in a place where the streets have no names - that I am going there....with you? It is all I can do - I have been singing that in my head as I meet people- reminding me that I am not going to live on this earth forever, and in the between time I am to make it my goal to love others into the Kingdom! So- may it be soon....may He come and take us to a place where the streets have no names!
I was living in protest yesterday over my selfishness. I had been pricked by the Spirit earlier in the day and then I came home and read and “fussed” with J about it. I was still pretty sure it wasn’t fair that I was having to live here with nothing to do and that He should fix it. So, I got home and the college students were meeting at my apartment, so I hid in my room. I was crying and asking God why He would bring me here and give me such hope that my gifts and passions would mesh so easily into this team and city and then keep me from participating. Why He would spend a whole year getting me ready to say that I will raise support and then bring me here and see that the Company is actually getting along and working in this city? Why did He give me this random desire to study Peace and Reconciliation and then bring me here where I can see that it would be the perfect University platform and then show me that the schools here can’t pay me enough to live, much less pay off my student loan – so I have to go back to the Emirates for a few years. I don’t think that is fair!!! Why give me this vision and then delay it???? So, I was crying and fussing with J and then I decided I had enough and wanted to go prayer walking. (this way I would at least accomplish something!) So, I went to the door and it was locked. In order to unlock it you need a key. I didn’t have one – so I went looking for one in the apartment. Ma Fi (there is none) So, I called my roomies – they didn’t answer. So I called S (the subject of a blog all in itself- but I am not sure that I want to write that one J ) and he said that he would come and rescue me. But when he got here, the front desk didn’t have a key either! So, I was stuck in my apartment for the afternoon. It WAS AWFUL! It was like God was saying “you think you are so important, that you need to be a vital part of the work – well, I will get you locked in and no one will miss you so that you will have to get over that!” So, I did. I sat, unmissed in my apartment and wrestled with Jesus. We had it out. And He won (thankfully). I cried and told Him that I was disappointed. I told Him that I didn’t get it. I told Him that I didn’t like it. And He cupped His hands around my ears and told me that He loved me. That He knew that I didn’t like it, and that I might not ever understand – but that He has it all under control. So, I allowed Him to love me and read the Book – stories of this Comforting Jesus and then read some about the Lifeboat in Miller’s “Searching for God knows what” – it was a great time! Then, my roomies came back – we all went to dinner and then came back and played cards! It was a blast! I laughed so hard I almost wet my pants! It is great being on such a great team!
I have been reading through the book of Acts today for an assignment with the college students. And I have realized how many times the apostles referred to the resurrection as the Gospel. I think that this is something that I have typically “tacked on” the end of the substitutionary atonement of the Cross. But what if it is more than that? Isn’t the resurrection of Christ the basis for our hope? Isn’t it the basis for our faith in our own salvation? Without the resurrection the cross would have been incomplete – so why do I act as if it is “extra?” I have been learning that the resurrection gives a clear presentation of the Trinity – Jesus is raised by the power of the Spirit at the Father’s command = all Three are there and all Three are doing different things. So you see Three distinct persons and yet one person = the Trinity. At the resurrection we get hope in judgment, the faith in our salvation and the understanding that we will one day live above sin and the curse. The resurrection needs to be more “real” in my Gospel….because it is this doctrine that allows for a relationship with Christ now – a risen Savior alive and interceding for me today!
It seems that no many how much I learn about my selfishness I still have more to learn. It is kinda like that drive that never seems to end - you think you are close to your destination...But at every turn there is another and it never seems to end. That is me and my battle for love. I have learned so much about selfishness and the need for me to confess and run from it- but here in starbucks Hamra, Beirut I am getting yet another lesson. I have been frustrated at every turn - nothing is going the way that I want it to. I am not meeting people as quickly as I would like, I am not as busy as I would like and I am not doing anything that is gaining me a name. And so I am in the depths of despair as I waller in my selfishness. I have been hit upside the head by my definition of success and how selfish it is. I have realized that I want to use my gifts and let them be seen for my glory - so that I will be known in this place. Not do that God will be known. I have shirked from the minimal activities - I could spend my days prayer walking, but that would not let me be seen. I did not know that my depravity could go this far - that even my best intentions are tainted with my desire for fame and recognition. Well, that is not going to happen this summer- I am going to stay in the back of the van, away from anyone's notice and learn to serve. Really serve. Learn to pray as if that is all that matters - because it is. Learn to serve others by washing their dishes, showing them the store, giving up my expectations and desires and laying them down. I am going to learn to live for His sake - not mine. This is really scary to me - scary because I know that GOd doesn't have my back in this area....He let His Son endure endless shame and humiliation and never once stepped in to make it easier - so I am scared. But I know that if I am going to be a follower of Jesus I have to learn to serve. Even if it means a lot of tears, dreams and expectations being amputated from my very body and agony that cuts to the core of my personality- I will learn to serve.
You know, I have forgotten how much I love stories - but the last few nights I have put myself to sleep by telling stories in my head - stories from the Gospels. I have "remembered" J as I have talked to myself about how He walked on water, fed 5000, healed the paralytic that "fell" through the roof - and this morning - after a hot jog on the Corniche, I read the first few chapters out loud from my balcony. No one else could hear me because of the construction going on, but I just wanted to read some stories to my neighbors! :) I have realized that this is how I can interact with the Glory of God that has been made flesh so that w can know Him. I learn from Him (as a Person, not some "spirit thingy" - but seeing Him all hot and sweaty on the side of the well asking for a drink - and then being so satisfied with doing God's will that other physical needs were diminished - by hearing John say "behold the Lamb of God that takes away the sin of the world" and "seeing" the face of the guy standing next to J - can you imagine? And by hearing J take on Nicodemus - turning everything upside down by showing Grace (something that wasn't known through the law) and seeing Nic's head spin (like ours after a Matrix movie) trying to figure out how to be born again :) Listening to J, as He clouds Himself in His stories - and how He "tabernacles" among the people - the very glory of God visible! It makes my imagination bulge, my heart sing and my creative side leap! I am so grateful for His stories!
