This week I have been struck by how much I need Jesus to return. (I am sorry I haven't been bloggin' very regularly - I have been SWAMPED and I normally blog at work, and work has been really busy! But I am getting DSL at my house this week, so I should be able to blog at home, and this will mean I can blog all the time! YEAH! - back to the regularly scheduled program) I am taking eschatology this semester and I have been struck by how much of theology is structured around this word "hope." It seems as if all of theology is leading us to the point of the return of Christ! It is our understanding of God, Man, Salvation, the Church -everything....It is all based on the first and second advent of Christ! I have realized that this places "hope" pretty high up on the Christian virtue list. I look around at the songs we sing, the shirts we wear and the talk we talk - and I don't see this virtue anywhere! I am amazed at how much we have forgotten the need for Jesus to return - without this, we are.....Stuffed! :) As I look at our early church brothers and sisters, they let this fact govern most of the Christian disciplines - when they prayed, they prayed because Jesus had not come back yet, and they still had needs here on earth. When they fasted, they fasted because the Bridegroom was not present. When they sang, they sang as a foretaste of the praise around the Throne. When they read the Bible, they did so because the Word was not present with them and they needed the Spirit to reveal God through the Scriptures. When they gave "Christian love" it was because everything was not set right in the world because Jesus had not yet returned. Everything they did had this underlying current of "hope." And as cool as this idea is - Paul says in I Cor 13 that there is "faith hope and love" and the greatest of these is "love." I have wondered why love is the greatest - and this week in class, I realized that it is the greatest because it is the only one that is eternal. Because at the return of Christ we won't need hope or faith because we will have seen Him for which we hope and Him in which we have faith - but love, it will remain! So, no matter how important hope is to us right now, one day it won't even exist! And we will be known as a community of love! I hope that I can make my life here reflect these virtues - love, faith and hope - in that order!
Sometimes it feels as if my life encroaches on my life and usurps me! Let me explain- no let me sum up. This weekend I had a lot of homework to do, friends to see and then I had to baby sit too! I am trying not to spend money - so the opportunity to baby sit and make a little extra to go to the movies with was a great provision from our Almighty Father. But it made my weekend kinda crazy - I worked Fri until 7, then went to a friend's house for supper -then ran to a coffee shop with another friend so I could study. I got home at 11pm and fell into bed. Sat began with work from 9-3 - then off to the gym to run, then babysitting at 7, got home at 11:00- still only read 20 out of 150 pages - still have a 5 page paper due on Tues and a 2 hour class to lead the discussion in - but I go to bed. Sun - up and out to church - and it was a great church that I went to, and I think I will start going there - then home, coffee with a friend I haven't seen very much in the last month - got calls from great friends while I was there - but my phone was on silent, and then I was too busy to call them back - YICK! I hate that! - then I ran into a friend while there - but had to hurry off - go over to another friend's house - stayed a few minutes - then off to the gym again - and then home to grab the books and take off to study. Left the coffee shop at 11 pm, ran to the grocery so I could make my lunch for today - still the paper is not written, but I fall into bed! Today starts with a 10-7 work shift - and then when I go out to my car for my 45 min lunch break where I get to see the sky and feel the air, I turn on my car to listen to the radio - and it dies after 5 min. The battery is completely dead! I come back into work and ask about jumper cables - and two people chime in that they have some and will be happy to help! Again, provision from the Almighty! But, I have a TON of homework to do tonight, I haven't had any kind of "break" this weekend - as usual - and I have a week's worth of reading, assignments and classes to tackle! Sometimes my life encroaches on my life and usurps me!
There is a song by this title - and I can relate to it in full force today. "Sometimes I feel like I am the one and only, but today I feel like the One and Lonely." It is amazing how these feelings can creep up and bite you - taking over your feelings and projects and perspective of life. The day before my uniqueness was a good thing - something that makes me stand out in a crowd and gives me identity. But then, the very next day, the fact that no one is like me makes me want to run away! I have a deep longing, yeah verily an ache - for someone who thinks like I do. I want someone who thinks about the things of God, who wants to love people even though it costs a lot, someone who wants to go to new places, someone who doesn't cringe when they find out that people think differently than they do. I am glad that people are different from me - I just want someone who is like me! :) I have found myself telling my friends about things I am going to to be doing this semester and watching their "have fun" faces - I told them about hanging out with my Democrat friend Chris in an openly gay area of town, where there were gay couples surrounding us at the coffee shop and on the street men in drag walk by frequently. Granted, this is not my typical experience in life, but I do believe that these people of "oak lawn" are people - and that God loves them just as much as He loves me! But my friends at school, the one that believe in Jesus "like I do," they don't want to be caught dead down there! But I hung out with my friend, reading my theology book in the coffee shop next to all of these people - learning to love them a little bit more - learning to see past the makeup and the hand holding and see them as people, not sin. But, I want someone to go with me! And then, I told them about how I am going to start teaching ESL to refugees here in the Metroplex - and their response was "don't over-extend yourself" - and I was thinking - I love teaching, I hate not teaching, I need to teach - I love internationals, I hate not being around people from other countries and cultures - I need to be around these people! I won't be over-extending myself - I will be giving myself energy! But, I have to do it alone - I feel like a freak - the things I love pull me away from my friends....That is not the way it is supposed to be - I am supposed to be able to do the things I love with my friends. but this is not the case - so today I am the one and lonely!
This is one of the seven deadly sins. It has been listed throughout church history as one of the sins that creeps into your life and corrupts. It is a horrible sin, because it is one that often goes unnoticed like the dust on the top shelf and yet it is consuming and often drives many decisions that result in deep pain and even death. This is not laziness, laziness is nothing compared to this! Slothfulness is best defined as "selfishness that displays itself by taking the path that is the "best" for right now." That means that everything is always done for the present gratification. There is no discipline, no reaching for a higher goal, no looking outside of yourself - it is always focused on doing what is good for now. So, you eat what you want, act like you want, spend your money how you see fit, with no regard to the future. I had to do a project on the 7 deadly sins last semester and when I got to this one I was deeply convicted. I realized that what I thought was "free spirited" was really selfishness. It was like the curtain was pulled back and I realized all the scum that was really in my life! I cried and laid myself out before the Lord. But it was finals week - crazy life and school - and then it was Christmas. I made a few changes in my life. I decided to exercise more, and got some running buddies so that I would keep it up. I decided to stop drinking caffeine because that was just a prime example of only thinking about what makes me happy now. I started making progress in lots of areas - but....There was one that I left off. This Sunday in church, that pastor was talking about ways we express our loyalty and commitment to God. He said that as Christians, often we come up with ways like "read my Bible," "pray" or "tell others about Christ" but the one we leave out is the one that is the hardest because it requires us to give something up and to invest in something outside of ourselves. But it is also the one that allows us to acknowledge lots of theology - it is very practical theology - in that when we do it, we recognize that we are a part of a Body, that the Kingdom of God is a present reality that we can be involved in and that we are not living for this world and the things of this world - but that we are living for the manifestation of the Kingdom at Christ's return. All of this by simply tithing! I was deeply convicted. But as always, I left church, got busy and then this week, I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off - so it is grab lunch here, go out to supper with this friend - and I forgot about showing honor to God by not living for myself in the use of my money. So, God drove it home in more embarrassing ways - having to call and ask my dad for money - again! I hate doing this, because he always is so gracious....But I know that I just need to be more disciplined. So, I have been deeply cut again - and today I am walking around with a serious spiritual Band-Aid - but I am learning. So I am going to make some drastic changes - I am not sure what yet...Maybe no movies! No eating out! Maybe live of the 3 dollars a day that most of the wolrd lives off of! But one thing I know for sure - I have to start watching where, when and how I spend my money! If I am going to live a life that glorifies God in all areas, If I am going to say that I beleive that I don't have compartments for the "sacred" and the "profane," If I am going to say I can worship God in the "humanity" of my life - then I have to get a hold on my money. God wants me to worship Him in this area! Father -I confess my selfishness in the area of money. Please give me wisdom, give me advisors, give me a plan so I can actuate this change in my life. Thank you for the conviction of the Holy Spirit in this area. ( and God, thanks that no matter how deeply You cut, and how much You amputate, thanks for reminding me that it is Your love that has driven You do it!) Help me to see the way I spend my money as an act of worship!
I was reading some other people's random blogs yesterday when I was at work - passing the time with something almost useful:) And I was reading one of my favorites - daily life in the homeless shelter - a great blog reminding me of the need to really serve others. Yesterday's blog was nothing new - just a blog about serving others - but something that was said really stuck with me! He was talking about a guy who had come into the shelter saying that he was Jesus. The author of the blog said that he saw this man around town -"For the next few weeks I often saw this guy downtown and he always made me laugh. 'Look,' I'd say, 'there's Jesus riding his bike.' Or, 'Hey, that's Jesus, carrying his groceries home.'" I read this and smiled - thinking it was funny. But today, I was sitting in class, and we were talking about Jer.. 22:16 where God states that taking care of the poor and the needy is "a good example of what it means to know Me." (NET bible) - as we were talking about this, the blog from the day before got mashed with this verse and the verses in Matthew 25:35-40 where Jesus talks about serving "the least of these" and "ÂI tell you the truth, just as you did it for one of the least of these brothers or sisters of mine, you did it for me.Â"- I got all of these ideas squashed into my brain - and I realized, that even though the blog may have been joking, wouldn't we serve people differently if we thought of them as Jesus? I mean, obviously there are theological issues in saying that these people are "Jesus" - I want to keep the uniqueness of Christ as much as anybody! -but Jesus Himself talks of us seeing other people as important, and serving them as if they are Christ. I think Jesus probably told us that because He knows that I don't see people as important, and that when I get cut off by a stupid Dallas driver, or I get behind some idiot in the grocery store line, or I get a dumb customer on the phone at my "lovely" job - all I think about is me! I think about how I am in a hurry, or I have been waiting too long, or that I have other, more important things to do! When, if I lived as Jesus tells me, I would think of these people as important - yeah verily - maybe even as Christ Himself - and I would look for ways to honor them and serve them! So maybe I should say "look there goes 'Jesus' taking out the trash" - "I saw 'Jesus' today in the grocery store, he waited on me in line!" - because maybe then I would understand and actually try to love them!
I have realized this week that we as modern people so compartmentalize our lives, and thus we compartmentalize God. We say that God can't be put in a box, but if He can't fit in our compartment of "safe" or "logical" or "understandable" we bend and shave and twist Him until He does. This tendency bleeds over to our "normal" lives as well - we twist, bend and force God into parts of our lives, and act as if the rest of our lives are beyond Him. I have realized this as I have taken a deeper look at the OT this week. The saints of the OT don't see God at work only in the temple, they see Him as a part of their daily lives. They eat in such a way to acknowledge that they worship YHWH, they dress in certain ways to acknowledge that they worship YHWH, they take care of the poor, they take care of each other, they engage in war and in peace - all in ways that acknowledge YHWH as the central figure of their lives. Nothing is out of reach of YHWH! He is the central and controlling figure in all of their life - He controls the weather, the nations, all of creation, the progress of evil - everything! But, for some reason in my western brain, I forget this - I act as if my life is separate - and that I can shove God into some corner of it and engage Him when I want. I act as if I have tamed Him, as if this is my show and when I want I can go get God for His amazing act! WHAT A JOKE! I so want to live a holistic life, where God is the center and focus of all of my actions - where my self-absorbedness is no where to be found - oh Jesus! Come back soon!
I have had a couple of great conversations with some friends here in Dallas. Conversations that make me think, and that make me realize areas that I need to grow. I have had conversations about theology, about God and how He acted in the Old Testament - stories about how He killed people because they disregarded His holiness - and how hard it is for me to love a God who does things like this. I mean, I would much rather view God as someone who is "safe" - I don't think any of us want to be friends with people who aren't "safe" - do we? But I have realized this week, that I must worship the God that is revealed in the OT, not the God I have made up - not the "safe" God of my imagination. Also, I have had a conversation with my good friend Julie - and we talked about her boyfriend, and the boys I hang out with. And it was just a good conversation realizing that God is sufficient and that He knows exactly when to bring that person into our lives. It was just really good to talk to her about all that she has learned in this relationship, and how God's timing is perfect! So, I feel as if I have been learning a lot - maybe like a Dixie cup under the waterfalls at Yosemite - and so much has spilled out! I hope I can act on what I am learning, and really worship God as He has reveled Himself -in all aspects!
I haven't been blogging - partly because I have been at home and have been having adventures in the Gilbert Kingdom, and partly because I haven't felt like it. It seems to me that lately I am letting my emotions run me. I feel today as if my heart has been drained- like the emotions of the week- the highs and the lows, the joys of simple things like Miles Davis and the ickiness of boredom at work, have been slowly evaporating me. There are times that I feel as if I am on top of the world - but then at others, I am shrinking. The problem is not that I need to make my life "happier" - that is what I have been trying to do all week- what I need to do is rest in my life. To recognize that I can't "fix" it - I can't make that guy like me, I can't make my job exciting, I can't make my life "fun and exciting" at every turn - but I can embrace my humanity, understanding that all that I am is becoming like Jesus - not just my emotions, not just my heart - but my entire being. The way I eat breakfast, the way I drive, the way I work, the way I read, the way I watch movies, the way I talk to friends, the way I live - not trying to make it exciting- can bring worship to God as I allow Him to transform me in all of these areas. I don't want to try to outrun the curse - but I most certainly want Jesus to return to complete my redemption!
Here is an excellent example of stupidity! Last night I was to pick up my friend Chris at 11:50 at DFW airport. I went and saw King Kong with a friend before I went to get him, and I was at the airport by 11:30- so I cleaned out the trunk, put my purse and crap in the back seat, and then I decided that I would put on some lipgloss, I got my purse out and sat in the driver's seat, listening to Aretha Franklin - just chilling. I stood up, put my purse in the back seat - grabbed my book and Cherry Lime Aid and took off - just to discover that my keys were in my purse...Locked in the back seat! So - I called my cool room mate and asked her to find my other keys, so she could come and rescue me! But, I must have put them in a really great place - because I couldn't remember where they were and she looked everywhere and couldn't find them. So, when Chris arrived, I told him the news - and that I was going to have to call my insurance company to come out with their roadside assistance. He was so cool about it - laughed at me and made light of it - as he called AAA and got them to come out! We sat on a bench and looked at pictures from his trip, hung out in the cool Dallas air for about an hour until the locksmith arrived, freed my keys and then we went and celebrated my stupidity at Waffle House! So a good time was had by all - well almost, a better time would have been had if I had been able to get some sleep - but.....It was a great adventure that will not be easily forgotten! :)
