You know, lately I have been craving a deep relationship, a long suffering friend who will pass life with me - not just one I see a few days of the week, but one I see often, confide in and they in me. A friend that makes me laugh, that gently points out sin in my life and quickly comes to my aid to wrestle that sin to death. A friend that you can pass minutes in the car in silence and no one thinks of it as awkward. A friend who loves to do the things I like to do, who knows my desires and likes it when I am having fun. A friend who can sympathize with me in my struggles - and can help make a miserable time less miserable. As a single person, this friend is often interpreted in my life as a longing to get married. After all, since I have never been married, I can only imagine what it would be like - and that is a dangerous thing. I can imagine marriage as fulfilling my deepest relational needs and therefore wonderful. But as I have been reading (Josh's blog, my blog and Don Miller's books) I have come to the conclusion that is not what I am craving. Marriage is not going to satisfy my craving for deep relational intimacy - because even those who have a great marriage still need other friends - as a matter of fact the best marriages are those who have many deep friends who help them walk through life. So, marriage doesn't really solve anything on my part - and actually it is often a cop out! I mean, why invest in others deeply if only a marriage is what I need - I mean, I can't do anything about getting married - so I guess that means I just have to wait until God brings that someone in my life and then I can have true friendship - WHAT CRAP! I mean, that is what I feel - on days like today- but really, what I am longing for is not a husband - but a cure for my need. I need others, I find my identity through others -God has made me this way - and the fall has corrupted it so that it is mangled and unfulfilling and bursting with insecurities! But that is not what God had planned - He wants us to invest in others, get our identity from them as we all walk together to be more like His Son - not competing with each other, not trying to belong to each other - but resting in the work of the cr oss and trying to be known only by J and Him cruc ified! This is what God wants from us - a working out of our love for Him and for others! So today - I crave relationships - like everyday.....And one day for eternity I will lose this craving and be able to know, really know, what friendship is - and then I will get to do it for eternity! Oh- I raise my glass and say "May it come quickly!
That was the expression as I walked out of my room this morning and went into the kitchen "what the Heck! How could they?!?!?!" Let me splain - last night I went to Dubai with some friends, we were getting back late and since I am on vacation I wanted to sleep in on Easter - they wanted to go to a sunrise service. But in order for that to be really fun, they wanted to have breakfast together. This meant that they had to use my house to eat breakfast (because they can't go to each other's house, because it will "look bad" in this culture) so....I told them that the house was a wreck and that I wanted to sleep - but if they didn't wake me up they could come- trying to discourage their presence as much as possible, I added that there was nothing to eat at my house, I was not cooking for them and if they woke me up I would scream at them! But they decided to come anyway! So, I went to bed last night at 1 and then was awakened to a HUGE mess (on top of my original mess) in the kitchen and I said "What the Heck!" this was quickly followed by "those punks - jerks - I mean Come ON!" I was particularly upset because I am having people over for Easter tonight- for us to have an egg hunt and other things - and I have to clean the house (not the maid that Ris and T have) So, I began to wash their crap - and I was mad! I was saying things like "never again will they be allowed to come here!" And thoughts flooded my mind of other times this week that they have treated me this way - We are watching 24 together as a group (seasons 1 and 2) and we have been watching them 4 episodes at a time, once a week - so last weekend we watched 4 episodes and at 10:30 I needed to go to bed. They were at my house and they didn't want to leave - so I told them they could stay and watch some more, but it was a work day (and none of them work, so they don't understand this) and I needed to be in bed. I got up the next day to a note from one girl saying thanks for letting them watch 24 at my house - but she wasn't there when I went to bed...So I started thinking, "did they watch the season finale without me - at my house - with my Dr Pepper!" (which costs $1 per can!) and I thought, "no - they wouldn't do that to me!" and then the next day I got a text from another girl - asking "did you FINISH 24 yet?" FINISH - what! How could they be so inconsiderate, so selfish, so unlike J to exclude me in my own house! So, today when I woke up on Easter morning to messy dishes and pots and pans - I was about to bust! I mean - COME ON!!!!! I was making plans in my head about what I would do when they asked next time "No, I am sorry - I know that you are leaching, parasitical, selfish brats who think all the world is here to bring you comfort - but the hotel/maid service is closed! And you will just have to find someone else to suck the life out of - you jerks!" Yep - that was what was going through my head (minus a couple of cuss words!) But then I started getting even madder because it was Easter and I shouldn't have to spend resurrection morning cleaning up their crap - I was about to call them and tell them to "get their sorry asses back here to clean up after themselves since I wasn't their mother" when it hit me! It was Easter! The day I celebrate that J has done all that needs to be done for me to live complete in Him - I have no need of a life boat - I have no need to prove myself better than others - I have no need to serve others so that I get more "holy points"- And I have the ability to put others in front of me - to be selfless and to love - following J's example! And here I was mad as a wet hen over dishes! I mean, where is the verse that says "stick up for yourself and don't let others walk on you!" I think it doesn't exist - but twice it says "think of others as more important than yourself!" And here I was on resurrection Sunday, the best day of the year - the day I have been counting down for weeks as I have celebrated lent - and I was ruining it - not them- I was ruining it by having a stinking attitude of selfishness and not counting all my gain as loss and claiming nothing but the Cr oss! So - I had a rude awakening to my selfishness yet again this morning - and the struggle remains "J vs. Oprah" ---- "think as others are more important than yourself" vs. "Make yourself a priority, give to yourself first, it is not selfish to make yourself number one every once in a while" - and the battle rages within me! It is alive and well inside Katy Gilbert! Oh! For the resurrection! My body aches and groans for heaven! Come back soon J!
I tease my kids at school about my name being Miss Finished instead of Miss Katy because they say "Miss, Finished" all of the time. There is actually an Arabic word "finish" and it means to stop or complete - not at all similar to our English word "finish!" :) but, being a KG 2 teacher, my kids love to tell me when they have completed the work I have given them. They are always eager to move on to the fun game that comes after the work. So, if you walked into my classroom on Monday you would hear "Miss, Finished!" about 50 times in the space of 2 hours! Yikes! But I get the great opportunity to be very friendly with the concept of "finished" and as I wind up my first year here I am confused over whether or not my time in the Emirates is finished - or whether or not I need more time here. I am getting close with the concept of "finished!" Today (Good Friday) I was watching "the Passion" with Vicki and I was struck by the line that J gives on the cr oss "It is finished!" and I thought about what that means. I have a new perspective on my relationship with J this year that I have not had in previous years. I am beginning to understand how totally warped my brain is and how even the things that were meant to be good have been sent into a cancerous growth because of the fall. I am especially realizing this in relation to my "personhood" and my insecurities. I have always know that I define myself by others thoughts and relationship to me - but I always thought that was wrong. I am beginning to realize that it is not wrong, God created us for this. He has always wanted us to get our "being" from outside ourselves, from Him. But the fall has warped that idea into the idea that I need other's approval to have "being" and worth. And this has lead to tremendous insecurities, lack of love for others, lack of love for myself and worse than all of the above, the lack of ability to receive love from others. But, as I watched the movie tonight, I saw J say "it is finished" and I thought about how that relates to me. It is finished - J sank the life boat! I now get my identity from my relationship with J - I now have peace with the Almighty God! I now have the righteousness of J! I now have a relationship that does not lead to insecurities and lack of love - but rather to deeper love and a true understanding of the value of human life - even my own! It's over, I no longer have to do things to please God or others; I no longer have to obey to get God's pleasure; I no longer have to live by no rules - or somebody else's rules - or my rules to get God to smile at me! I have a relationship with J! I am loved by Him - and He has said that no less than the love that the Father has for Him is mine too! The Father loves me as much as J! NO WAY!!!! This is truly incredible! This changes everything! It is wonderful to know that because of the work on the cr oss it is FINISHED!
Today was a good day at school- my kids weren't too bad and I didn't lose my patience! Which is good! I am hanging out with people more after school - and it is fun! Today I am supposed to go out with the KG1 Arabic teacher for sheesha - so that will be fun! And next week we are going to have sheesha as a "school" - because there are about 5 people - including my principal who has lived here for 9 years - who haven't even had it once! Yikes - it is definitely one of the best reasons to live here! But I have this nagging question - can I do this for another year? Will I be lonely, desperate for community and friendship that I just have to live going through the motions - or can I make friends and enjoy my time here! I mean what did I used to do when I lived in Dallas - I never went and had fun - I basically studied, worked, went to class, watched TV and then went to the movies on the weekend. I never hiked the "weak" trails around town, I never even walked all the way around White Rock Lake. I didn't go biking, or camping or really anything - so the fact that I have to live here where none of those things are available, why do I care? I remember making myself hang out with people at school because I got a TV and it was fun to come home and work on Greek in front of the TV instead of at the library or the starbucks - so I became a recluse. So, now I am here and I am dying for people to hang out with - and knowing that Vicki is going to leave soon (this summer) and I am going to be here the only single for miles, I wonder can I really make it? And then I think - but what if I never get married? Am I only going to live places where there are other singles? Or am I going to use my singleness as a gift - and pour myself out for others- even the married ones? So I am full of questions and devoid of answers! And I feel as if I am in a shadow as far as my walk with J is concerned. I know it is a relationship and you don't always feel as if any relationship is "the shit" all the time, but I feel as if it should feel great all the time with J - but lately I feel as if I am in that shadow that comes when you are on the "wrong" side of the mountain and the sun is going down - I mean, the other day we were out at a wadi ( a dry place that occasionally fills up with water) and we were nestled between these rocky craggy mountains in Oman - and the sun was really bright and hot. But as the sun was going down, it dropped behind the mountain and we were in the shadow of the mountain. We still had light, but the heat of the sun was gone. That is what I feel like right now - I mean I know that it is just about loving God and others - but I feel like I need some new theology to get excited about, or some new aspect of this love to contemplate - and the "humdrum" of life has hit me in the face! And just like the TV shows where no one goes to the bathroom or sleeps or eats on a regular basis - I feel as if these things are boring and I need something more! But these things are the moments that make up life - right? So....I just sit and enjoy the cool of the evening, the first stars and then the sunrise at some time in the future - and with it the blast of new thoughts, ideas and plans - will I miss the stillness of the shadow?
There was a day last summer that goes down in infamy in my mind. I was road tripping - one of my all time favorite things to do - with a friend. We h been traveling for four days - from Dallas to Denver, then to Salt Lake and then to Lake Tahoe for a wedding. We left Tahoe and drove through some incredible scenery - lakes blue as the sky and mountains higher than you can imagine! Then I had the incredible priviledge of going to Yosemite - and even thought it was only for a few hours, I have firmly decided that it is my favorite place on earth! Then, Heidi and I forced ourselves back into the car and headed for Las Vegas. It was late and we had a long way to go - so we decided to cut through Death Valley. It was midnight when we entered the valley - and I was driving with Heidi asleep beside me. It had been an incredible day - and I relieved the images and smells of the beautiful waterfalls and humongus trees as I drove. I began to see lights ahead of me - way up in the sky. They disappeared and then reappeared again - I then realized that they were head lights and that I had a huge mountain to climb. Now remember, I am in death Valley - there are no lights and no one is around (except that one car) I began to travel up the mountain. There were serious hair pin turns - and my lights would go ahead of me and span across the cliff, my heart was racing! The moon rose over the mountain and I began to see what was to my left - Nothing but a sheer drop! I began to think that I had made a really bad decision taking this "short cut" - then I saw a sign telling me to turn off my air conditioning because the elevation was increasing! I began to think that we should just stop and spend the night in the next pull off and wait until morning to go to Vegas - but we had paid for a hotel room in Vegas and I didn't want to waste the money that I knew we wouldn't get back. So, I pressed on. At one point I pulled over to consult a map and realized that all it said was that I was in the middle of no where! The stars were incredible, the trip unforgettable and that drive was unbelievable. I was stressed out - should I keep going, turn around, go another route? Should I take a break and let Heidi drive - or let her sleep so she could take over later on? What if I took a wrong turn and we end up in the wrong place? How do I know I am going right? As I think about my decision for next year I feel all of these things again. Do I stay here another year and make money - or do I return to Dallas and do what my heart is screaming to do - but be broke? Do I take another year overseas so that I am "better prepared" in the job experience market - or do I just go home and get busy on my life dream? If I stay I will have enough money to finish and then get my PhD - but if I leave now I will be scraping ends together to finish - but I will be doing what I want to do! So - I have all those feelings - so I stop or go on? Is the road before me bad enough that I need to slow down and attack it slowly - or can I just run into it and trust that all will work out - And can I change my attitude about his place enough to enjoy the next year here - or will I resent my decision and count the days until I return to Dallas? And how will I come up with the answer?
Ok, so here I sit at my computer, with country music in the background - I would tell you who is singing but I haven't been in the states and I don't know who these people are that are being piped through my satellite TV music stations - and I am about to cry over that fact - man I am really messed up! Anyway, here I sit, music playing, lights out and the AC humming in the background - and I sit at 11:30 to write down my thoughts - because today I realized some things about myself - One, I don't really like living here - Two, I don't like hanging out with non-followers when other followers are there (and I don't know these other followers very well - so I don't know where they stand on things) So, to the first - I realized today through some conversations that I don't really like living here. I have boiled it down to three reasons - the first is my personality. My personality that used to be wild and crazy and up for anything has mellowed so much that I feel as if I am a shadow of what I once was and this thought is vomitous to me. The second reason is that I don't like teaching KG 2 (kindergarten) and I think that doing it with kids that saying "I want to go to the toilet" gets applause because they actually asked in English makes it even harder! And the third reason is that I am not teaching anything of substance and that I feel as if the alphabet should be philosified or something so that I will want to teach it- and so I have turned into this heady person who talks out her neck all the time! So, I have decided that because of these things I don't want to live in Al Ain - but I am here now for the next few months so I am going to ignore these facts and dig in! the second thing I realized tonight as I was at a school function with western expats and so there was drinks involved and then there were Indian followers and another American follower - but I wanted to drink and yet I was worried about what they would think - and then I thought but will the other people think if I don't drink? And I was so caught up in this that I realized that it is really hard to please everybody and get it right - but I tried- and did a horrible job at it! so - there it is a little revelation about my life here!
Today was a great day! I had a pretty easy day at school, and then I got my hair cut with Vickie - that was fun! And then, I got to have coffee with a friend to talk about Don's latest book - so that was fun! I had a great time talking about all that J has been teaching me, how that will work here and how that will change who I am. It was really fun! The more I talk about what I have learned, the more I want to join a community that will allow me to be who I am and bring all my quirks and my insecurities as well as my strengths to the table. So now more than ever, I want to move to a place where that can take place - and i want an apple computer really badly too! I haven't had a "deep" day - but it has been good as I just lived with my friends and enjoyed life with them! It was a great day!
is there anything really - I mean besides God Himself - that could possibly be more important than me? I feel as if we are all searching for a "cause" or a "higher being" that is more important than ourselves - something that we feel will live beyond what we see and hear and know will die today or tomorrow. But then, I live as if nothing is better and more important than me. I didn't get to have a break at school today because our Arabic teacher was absent. This meant that at the end of school today all I wanted to do was sit. Then as I was sitting in my chair, with my feet propped up, a good book and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich - what could be better! - my Filipino friend came in to clean my room. I know Maggie and I know she works hard and gets paid nothing. There are no labor laws in this country (I mean there are a few, but no unions or anything) so she works from 5:30 every morning cleaning the school, then at 7:30 she rides the bus and picks up 40 or so crazy kids. Then she is an assistant from 8-1 and then she rides the bus again! But here day is far from over, because then she comes back and cleans until 4:30! So everyday is a 12 hour day - and she cleans again for 5 hours on the weekend! (and she does all this work for about half of my salary and I work from 7:30- 2:30 and none on the weekend!) So, I try to be nice to Maggie - because she does all of this with a smile and loves to laugh! I just really love her! So, as she walked in and I was all relaxing, she showed me the work she needed to take home - a stack of things to cut out for her class that she assists in! I took them from her and began to cut. It was great realizing that there are things that are more important than me - other people! If I will just open my eyes and look I will see that this movie is not about me - it is about us....All of us will live forever, all of us will one day worship Him, all of us are important! I already know j - and He tells us to live as if others are more important than we are - He showed us that so clearly on the cross, but not just then - what about when He washed the disciple's feet - I was reading this last night - It says that He knew who sent Him, Who He was and where He was going - and still - He didn't claim to be worshipped - but He got up and washed dirty, nasty , crusty feet - that probably look something like mine after being in this dusty land for 8 months - and trust me they are nasty! But, He didn't ask them to treat Him they way they should have, He asked them to follow His example and treat others as more important than themselves! I long to be this kind of friend, this kind of teacher, this kind of woman!
Do you ever feel like sometimes you make yourself go to work - not because you hate your job, but because you just don't want to go? I mean, as far as jobs go, the one I have is great! It is challenging, yet fulfilling in the sense that I see kids changing everyday - I have friends there - it is never the same place for more than ten minutes - and it has great bosses! But, even still, I often have to convince myself that I need to go, that I don't need to stay home and book a plane ticket to Yosemite, but I need to go and work. Today was one of those days. But after arriving at work, I was glad to be there - I hung out with my kids, talked to them and had fun with them - and then hung out with other teachers after school was over. So, my day at work was just another day. After work, I picked up my sister's maid, brought her to my house and then took off to meet with some workers from another company that needs child care during their meetings. Then, I went to the grocery store, checked email and took the maid home. That is my day - and I wonder why that is so revolting to me? I mean, it was a day, I tried to walk in relationship with J, I learned about life - about me - so why does it seem so boring? And Why do I want something more? And why am I never content in the places I live? And why do I want to run away to a place where I know no one, where no one I have ever known lives there and start again- try to fit in and love it there and not want to move to the next place? Why? And yet at the same time, I cringe at the thought of being broke, of having to deal with any money matters - to the point that I totally avoided a discussion with my principal about summer pay and my plane ticket home - yet another area I don't trust Him - so why do I want to move? Do I think I will change upon entering another town? Who Knows!
Ouch! All this talk about how stupid G was at church and how dumb he is because he doesn't get community and then all that talk about Vickie's flat mate and how weird she is - and all that talk about how Vickie and I were right - and then I just listened to a "sermon" for lack of a better word by Don Miller at Imago Dei and he was talking about selflessness. He gave this story about one of his flat mates, Stacy, who was a walking picture of this. He gave two examples of how he lived this but one sticks in my mind. He told about how Stacy would drive in traffic and when one person would cut him off, honk his horn, etc. As the anger rose in him, he would point his finger and say "you are more important than me!" and he might have to say it over and over, but he would say it until he actually believed it. As Don told this story I realized something huge about myself - I have been saying that I want to love other people as myself, but I have been leaving out one incredibly huge aspect of that - actually considering them as more important than me! That is what Paul tells us to do in Phil and in other places - and he means it. Not in a heady sort of way but in an actual sort of way. Realizing that it is not about me, I don't get my identity from being right, by being the best server or the most fun, but rather by letting Christ and Christ alone be my motto - and that allows me to say - "I already know that I don't deserve to be honored on my own, I am capable of all sorts of evil - and have done many of those evils already- but Christ has loved me, just because He wanted to show me Himself - and because I know that I can love others as more important than me because I get none of my identity from myself but only from the fact that Jesus loves me!" That is what I want my life to be - a life lived for others - with "no concern for myself" if people walk over me because I act like this - then so be it- because I do not have to stand up for my rights because I know that all that matters is the relationship that I have as the bride of Christ. So no more "Oprah" making myself a priority so that I can give to others, and no more "alone time" as my priority - I will give and give and give until I can really learn that this life is not about me and live as Jesus did showing that others are more important than me! I am still struggling with saying that others are more important than me - because it makes me feel less important and therefore less significant and therefore easier kicked off the life boat - but Paul says "let each of you consider others as more important than himself" so this is not just the way I show love or the way I live but how I actually think about others - I AM SO FAR OFF FROM THAT!!!!!! But I hope that as God continues to deepen His love in Me and shows me my value because of His love for me - that I will really think that! And isn't it cool that I will get a chance to live with Ris and T and all their kids - and mom and maybe Dad - in this small house, filled with stuff - and will get to really practice this for a few months! I want them to come back so that I can get the selfishness beat out of me by Eddie and Elliot and Ris and T (of course not Maggie because she and Zeke are my favorites - second born of the same sex!) I hope that I can truly say that the reason I live is to love God and to love others -not just as myself - but as more important than myself! That would truly be a miracle of grace - May it be so!
Yesterday was a really good day! First I had everybody over for church - which was ok (followed by a really bad conversation with some "company people" about church - I love living in community but I hate doing it with people who have no idea about the importance of living in community. These people turn everything into a right and wrong situation and everyone is left to scramble to be right - because being wrong makes you feel stupid. So, yesterday we had a conversation about how church was going 3 hours every week and how the kids couldn't hack it. So, we were talking about how to manage the time better - and someone threw out the idea that we split! Yeah - whatever making the group smaller is not time management - and then some others threw out the idea that we meet during the week to pr - and then super Christian, company man, drives me crazy G said "our team meets for work - that is not church related!" WHATEVER! That is crap! I mean they meat to pr, to catch up on life and to talk about the friends they have - so having the rest of us meet to do that during the week would not be "work" it would be church! But then he said (later on) that he didn't think that our group was a church and that we shouldn't appoint elders (or decision makers) because we weren't going to establish ourselves as a church. Ok, whatever, we are established, others are coming and we need some people to make decisions! so I asked what makes a church - and GET THIS - he said that you have to have a pastor to be a church - CRAP!!!! Anyway) after church my good friend and partner in my practical theology efforts here - V - stayed. We made home made caramel ice cream and chatted. Then we went on a walk and chatted some more - then we made pizza and chatted some more and then we went to her house and watched Laggan - my new favorite movie! I am going to have to buy it! So anyway, we talked about the crap that happened at church, we talked about her flat mate and we talked about life and how we feel when people make everything a win lose situation - and about how we like people but only when they are like us! And how we want to love others, even when they have no concept of valuing others and their opinions - and how that makes us want to rebel - and we talked about life - it was really good! I am really grateful for V - she helps me keep my head, lets me laugh, is really different from me but allows me to learn about her and her experiences and grow in mine - she is just a great friend and it was fun hanging out with her!
The book opens to a blank page - all that it contains is still in the future - and will one day be read by .....no one? My thoughts are that I really enjoy writing my thoughts on my computer - I have found that this is more enjoyable for me than writing in one of my cool journals - of which I have four (one to write about people I am mad at, one to write thoughts about God, one to just write in - like a diary -and one to make random notes in - like grocery lists, etc.) but I have found that I can think faster when I am typing - and that I have a great time sitting in front of a computer and writing what I am thinking! So, today I decided that I would just start a blog- not that anyone would want to read it - but it will make me feel better to write and know that it is a possibility that others may read it. I am basically gonna write what is in my head - so forgive me for any heresy that might spew forth or any anger or frustration that you might read in my words - I am growing in my thinking and I am sure that I will contradict myself at least 2000 times - but this is why it is Katy logic - hard for you to understand! So... today I was reading a book by Wilkie Collins and he was talking about the difference between nature and man - and one of the things he said was striking - here it is "...the widely differing destinies of man and his earthly sphere. The grandest mountain prospect that the eye can range over is appointed for annihilation. The smallest human intrest that the pure heart can feel is appointed to immortality." I love the sound of immortality -when you say all the consonants in the word very crisply - immortality- it sounds like what it means - forever and ever - and yet - what a huge treasure that we have been given in life itself! All that we do for others is more beautiful than the grand canyon, or even more beautiful than all of Yosemite's cliffs and crevices or the slight glow of the moon over the mighty redwoods or the glisten on the creek as the sun breaks through - all of this is destined for complete destruction - but God has made it possible that I and all my fellow humans are not going to be detroyed - we will all live forever - and that is what gives the human soul worth! Oh to live a life that impacts eternity - to live a life that influences the place of immortality!
Today as I drove home from work, I was thinking about my life and how easy I am to think that I am doing ok. I so often forget that my heart is deceitfully wicked and that I am not saved by my works - isn't it easy to think that God loves you because of you? What a JOKE! anyway, I was thinking about this and I realized that one of the reasons that I think this is that I have names for all my sins - and I rarely use the name "sin" for any of them! I mean I am "unselfish", I am "lazy", I am "unloving", I am "ungodly" - but I don't say that I "sin"= that I worship other gods (myself) and that I run after other things for my significance completely ignoring the cross of Christ and the resurrection that frees me as if I am one raised from the dead!!! So why don't I call things like they are? Why don't I say that I am a sinner? Why do we not say "sin" often? - I mean when is the last time you said "I am sorry, it was wrong - it was a sin and I want to ask you to be gracious to me as a picture of God's forgiveness?" And when is the last time that someone said that to you? So I think it is because we still think that we are saved by our own spirituality - that is if we confess that we are sinners - active sinners - then we are losing something of a reward, or salvation itself! But this is not true! Jesus is the only reason we are saved - and He loves us even when we are sinners - and don't you think He sees it this way - I mean come on - you son't believe you are saved by works do you? He isn't fooled by my lables - And He so wants me to know that I am what I am by His grace and to live in that freedom - not searching for ways to hide my sin from others, look more spiritual and therfore be more important - and all of these things just laugh at the significance that Jesus has given to me on the cross! I certainly don't want to spit on the cross as if it is nothing to me - but that is how I act when I need someone to say that I am good and needed and important instead of letting my relationship with Jesus tell me this! So I have realized that my sin is a problem - and that I need to confess it to God daily -hourly- and live within my relationship that I have with Him to find all my worth - not shrinking from the opnions of others - because it is only when I live as if His opnion is the only one that matters that I truly live as one raised from the dead,in newness of life, as a slave to obedience! Rom 6 but I am learning that I only feel this way about Jesus when I really love Him - not just His precepts or His book but Him - the way I fell in love with David Miller reading his books - that is how I should fall in love with Jesus as I read about Him! more on that tomorrow!
We often say that we are to love J or the Trin ity with all our hearts, souls and minds - but do we really mean this or have we turned this into another proposition that we must believe? I mean, when is the last time you met someone who really did this? when is the last time you did something simply because you love Him? Don't we really love J because it is the right thing to do - I mean, we love Him the same way we love mentally challenged people - in the bless your heart sort of way- or because it is wrong not to love Him. We know we need to love Him, we know He loves us, but we have no concept of the idea of us loving Him the way we love others - and I am not saying it is a romantic love or a crush - but a love that is true and deep and effects our lives. Not for what He has to offer, not because it is "right" but because we know Him, have seen Him, and have felt His relentless love! The Trin ity is such a picture of love - each dwelling in the other, each giving deference to the other, each being truly God, each having all the rights of God but in some way giving them to others to reveal Themselves to us as different and distinct - and yet they are One! that is how it can be said that God is love! He doesn't just show it - He is it! By His very nature, by His very definition, by the way He interacts with His "threeness" into a "oneness" is love! (- not that I understand, that but it is cool anyway! )Oh to to love Him! I want to truly love Him, to see His word as a picture of Him and the changes He brings into my life as alterations for a better relationship with Him and with others! May this be true!
I entered school in a fog – even with 8 hours of sleep. It always amazes me how I need to sleep past 10 o’clock to really feel awake when the alarm goes off – no matter what time I go to bed, or how many hours of sleep – there is just something about sleeping past 10! Anyway, I went to school in a fog, convincing myself that I needed to go, that I didn’t need to call in sick, that my kids needed me and that I needed to be responsible – no matter how I felt. So I went, no shower, little make up and in a t shirt and jeans, but I was there. My day was crazy – it started with Arabic. And the teacher is not good with my kids – she shows up late, leaves early and while she is there she lets the kids run around like crazy monkeys! So, when I walked into the room today to get something – the kids were out of their seats, screaming and fighting and she was doing nothing! I was MAD! I mean, I am the one that has to teach after her I am the one who has to take the kids for the rest of the day! But, there is nothing to be done about it….nothing to be said – she is Arabic and abides by the “Arabic teacher rules” that bear no resemblance to those that I have to follow! So… the day progressed – but I watched my kids write today, saw the light in their eyes as they read what they had written, how they were stoked that I was reading what they had written – and now as I write this I think that must be the way God feels when we go to his story just to read – not to solve our problems, to win a blessing for the day, to find something cool to share with others, just to read – to see Him and fall in love with Him. There must be a light in His eyes as we come to Him to enjoy Him – as our friend, as our God, as our Husband and our Father. This must bring Him delight – in some cosmic way because we know He needs nothing, that He is full of all the delight that can possibly indwell any being – yet in some way He allows us to bring Him delight as well WOW! So, anyway – I tried to make small talk on the playground – but I keep running into road blocks – but I do really want to love the people that I work with – and I have had a few times where I was able to bring n chocolate to some of the Filipino workers and let them smile! But over all, I am at a loss – I am beginning to feel as if I can’t make relationships – friends, acquaintances, but not relationships – and then Joe is calling me everyday – what is that about! And today, I tried not to let him know I was online – and he figured it out and called me anyway! YIKES! So that compounds my feelings of lack of relationship ability – and what am I to do – all I know is to ask the Spirit to work His fruit in me – to make me love, to give me patience, to give me joy in my salvation and relationship with J, to make me understand peace – and not just try to be wild and crazy to give me a spirit of kindness, of gentleness and to give me faithfulness in my relationships and responsibilities and to give me self control – so that I am not driven by any force but the Spirit! So that is my prayer – and especially that I would know love and be able to share
