Morality crisis

Lately I have been having a morality crisis! This doesn't mean that I have denied morality and lived "immorally" - but I live in a culture that is very "moral"- they don't drink, gamble or cuss - really. They dance, but only with the same sex - and they don't even really hang out with the opposite sex, so they are definitely against pre-marital sex and the like. So, they are very "moral." and I have seen my fellow followers fall into the trap of trying to be more "moral" than their neighbors - I mean, wear certain clothes, go certain places, etc. So I have been having a bit of crisis - I know that J has called us to be a peculiar people - but in what way? By being the most moral? By separating ourselves by our morality - having the right and the wrong? By making distinctions based only on works - i.e. my "morality"? Or are we peculiar in some other way? Are we to be peculiar in the way we love God and love others? Are we to be peculiar in the way that we come together as a community? And if so - why do we separate ourselves from each other? Why do we insist on making lines of "morality" for us to follow? Sometimes, I think that we think that the verse reads "you are a chosen generation, a royal preisthood, a holy nation, a peculiar people that you may show forth the praises of yourselves - who have become separated from those "bad" people in darkness and now live in "holiness" and "rightness" because of what you have done!" But that is not what it says! It says that we are peculiar "so that we might show forth the praises of HIM who called us out of darkness into His wonderful light" - note there is not a hint of our own works in that statement! It is all about Him and what He has done! That is what gets praise -not our "morality!" So today, I feel like "screw morality" and show that we are different because even though we cuss, drink and dance - we love like none other and the community you find around our sheesha pipe is so deep that all others seem like a teaspoon of water in a swimming pool - really shallow! And that we love God with all of our being and others are truly more important than ourselves! Wouldn't that make us truly peculiar?!?!?!?

The case of the missing money!

Yes, this is some what of a mystery novel - but all the facts are true and have taken place over the last few days. I will start at the beginning - My school is having a concert and for this concert the children must have costumes. These costumes cost about 27 u.s. each and I am responsible for the money. We can't pay the tailor right away because then he might not finish the costumes, but we can't leave the money at school either. So this is a bit of a mess. So, I had decided since it was about 600 U.s. I should keep it with me - and put it in my cool, bottle cap bag. So, I have been carrying it around with me, always careful of it and thinking how silly it is that I have to do this. So, the other night while we were at sheesha we discussed the money and what I should do with it - and no conclusions were reached. The next day at school was the last day that I saw the money - we put 27 dollars into the envelope and then it disappeared - at least as far as we were concerned. My assistant had not seen it, and I had not seen it. I was getting pretty stressed because that is a lot of money and I would have to take it out of my salary to pay for the costumes and that means that I will have no money for school! So, I am stressing - but I think that it is at home - right? I mean how does someone lose all that money! So, I came home and scoured the house - I even checked the fridge and the bathroom just to make sure! But there was no money to be found. At this point I am crying out to God for help! I mean, I am at a loss - there is nothing more that I can do! So, I decided to go back to school and ask the ladies that clean the room. I ran into a helper who then told me to see another girl - she had turned in some money the day before. I found her, asked her and she said that she was cleaning up and almost threw it in the garbage, when she noticed that something was inside. She looked and thought "someone is testing me to see if I am honest, if I do not turn this money in I will get fired!" - after all, what else was she supposed to think - that some stupid lady left a months salary without even thinking about it? So, she turned it in - and today when I cam to school it was there, locked away in the administrator's desk waiting for me!
I was thrilled and ran around school talking about my stupidity and the great grace that was shown to me! Thank you Jesus!

Am I still trying to please men?

You know - for living in the freaking Middle East, there is still a lot of Chr ist ian baggage that I have to put up with - it is amazing how we pressure each other with "works" - I mean, here I am trying to live a life of love and make friends - I have coffee with them (like I did today with a long blond from South Africa) and I have sheesha with them (like I did last night with a covered lady from Syria) and I have other friends from all over - I am going to supper with a Lebanese Canadian, etc. etc. So - here is the story that prompted this blog. Being that this is a Muslim country, people dress very conservatively - especially women. All of the local women wear and Abaya (pronounced ah - by - ah) which is a black "cloak" for lack of a better word, that covers all the curves and contours of their bodies. It goes from shoulder to wrist and all the way to the floor - all you see is black! And then on top of this, they wear a shayla that covers their head, hair, eyes, etc. They are at best ninjas and you can see their eyes - or they are completely covered and you can see nothing at all. So, that is what local women wear - the Levanti women wear "normal" clothes and some of them wear a head scarf to cover their hair and neck, and others do not. And then there are the western ladies - who wear anything from tube tops to ankle length skirts! Well, last night I went over to a friend's house wearing what I had been wearing all day - a t-shirt and jeans. This t-shirt was not tight, but it did fit me and the jeans were sloppy, slouchy - the way I like them! As the door opened, they looked at me with eyes that clearly stated "I can't believe she is wearing that!" I mean - I don't know these people well, I simply babysit their kids while they meet with other friends - but I mean "COME ON!" I wasn't wearing anything indecent! But it hit me - you know, all day at school I never once thought of anyone as looking at me as dressed funny, or even weird - much less indecent. These people all have very different religious views than I do - and yet all of them just let me be me - and then there were my Ch ris tian friends - they had this idea of what someone should look like, and I was not it! And amazingly with one look they were able to heap guilt and doubt about whether I was really living for J, making a difference in the world and whether or not I should just go back home right now! It is crazy! I mean, even here - out of the church culture - we still have our "works lifeboat" and amazingly we can still kick people out of this life boat!
Then I was reading in Gal. You know, that book is so relevant to my life right now! I was reading about Peter and his "stunt" about acting like an Israelite and then acting like a gentile - all to stay in the current life boat! And this event is retold to us after Paul tells us very clearly what he thinks about men and their wired ideas. It starts with Paul stating clearly that he is not sent by men or from man, but in contrast he is sent by God. Paul starts right away blasting the Galatians - and starting in verse 10 he hits home on his idea, asking three rhetorical questions - all with the word "men" in them! It is very clear here that he is contrasting "men" with "God" - and he is stating very clearly that he has jumped off the life boat and is no longer concerned with the ideas of man! This is then reiterated - after a great theological discussion of grace, works and life in the Spirit - with my favorite verse in the book - 6:14 - a prayer that I want to live! "May I never boast except in the cro ss of our Lord J Chr ist, through which the world has been crucified to me and I to the world!"
I don't think of this often enough - but as I stood at the door of my friend's house, in my jeans and t-shirt- I wanted someone to tell me that I was ok, that I wasn't "bad" because my morals were "different" and I wanted someone to tell me to take a seat in the life boat! But this verse makes it very clear - the life boat is sunk, I have been crucified to the "life boat" and the life boat has no impact on me! I am free to live by the Spirit - to not compare, to not strive to be "right" and put down those who are "wrong" - but I am free to live as one who has no tie to this world but the love that has been created in me - the new creation!
I hope this isn't too heady.....I don't want to be heady - but I think that I need to continue to wrap my head around this issue of finding my strength and identity in others incorrectly - and rather find myself unified with others through the work on the cross!

a great romp

You know, I have discovered that I love walking - I mean I would love walking more if it was through the woods, or in downtown Baltimore (my favorite city) or in the woods at Yosemite ( my favorite place on earth!) but, nonetheless I like walking here in the boring city of Al Ain. I had to get rid of my car this week in order to save a bit of money - so that means that I am taxi -ing it everywhere. This is not so much fun, but it makes me walk out to get a taxi and walk back from where my friends drop me off from school. It was in this walking that I was reminded of how much I love just walking- especially when I am on an adventure! So, this week I have thought of adventures that require me to walk about my city. (now remember, I am wearing a skirt or jeans and a long sleeved cotton shirt in order to be "presentable" - and it is at least 80 degrees!) I wait until the sun goes down, so the temperature is bearable and then I leave the house. Sometimes I have a plan, other times I just go and look for adventure - but it has taken me on great evenings - some 30 minutes long, others hours - but it is a blast! So, I have been to the travel agents to plan my trip home, to the grocery store to get bananas, and tonight I went to get fabric for a clothing creation - that I hope is a creation and not a failed hippie costume! But, I went and got the fabric and then a little march down to the tailors to explain what I wanted! It ended up being a a fun adventure and allowed for lots of time to think, pray and bat around things in my head! I am really excited because I had coffee with Stacey again - it was really fun and reminded me of how much I need people....And I was reminded of groups at school (that most of them fail miserably as they try to force community) but I was reminded that I was going to lead one - and I got very excited about the idea that I could help lead others to feel as passionate about community! I mean, I would make Blue Like Jazz required reading and we would go out for drinks together - boy won't that shake up DTS! Well, today was a good day - I am sticky with sweat, my legs are sore and I am tired - but no school tomorrow...So extra time reading and maybe even lunch with J!

He's only 33!

Yep - that's right, Donald Miller is only 33 so, that means I can "legally" have a crush on him! YEAH! Anyway -isn't it neat how God takes care of you - even when you thought He was busy on another continent! Today - after my "I am so lonely" speech yesterday - I got an amazing email from my brother encouraging me and then Vicki came over and hung out and we laughed and solved the world's problems and then tonight Bobi and Kevin came over to check on me - so I was shown once again that I am loved! It was great! It is so cool when His grace takes on flesh and shows itself to my thick-headed self! Thanks God! I feel as if Chris Rice's song has come true to me today! He sent them along and I knew that everything was going to be ok! but for a blog on the day - believe it or not that is not why I sat down to write! I had a crazy day where everything was upside down - I did no work at school today - it was a true babysitting day - i mean the most work the kids did was color a picture! It was truly babysitting! But I enjoyed it because it wasn't much work - I too have become lazy and I am always looking for a short cut! I found it funny how I could go from the madness of my classroom - and I mean madness - 23 kids today, most of them have this ailment that keeps their bottoms sore because none of them can sit for more than 5 min. And they all love to run around the class! I spent the morning letting them play so that I can do assessments on a few of them - and then we went and played Red Rover - what a great game! And then, we had a major interruption in that the tailors came to measure my kids for their costumes for the concert that is coming up! So, for about 40 min. I had to manage the class (did I tell you that my assistant was out sick?) and get the tailors to get the right costume for the right kid - and in the midst of all this madness I was straining to hold on to my sanity! But then it was time for Arabic - My Break! And amazingly I ran out of the class, grabbed my book and settled in for a long read - A little escape in the hallway to 17th century England! It was great - and then I had to run back into the madness - it was an amazing contrast - a quiet read compared to a maddening class - a silent retreat compared to a bunch of monkeys needing a zoo keeper! But such is my life! And then it occurred to me that maybe that is what happened in Isa. 63 - I have been thinking about this passage for a while - and I am baffled! It starts off with God talking about why His robe is red - and He says it is because of the blood of His enemies! I mean, that makes gladiator look like Mr. Rogers! And then, just as stunning, the author then starts talking about the kindness of God - I mean WHAT? How do you go from bloodstained robes to kindness? How do you go from destruction into kindness? How does one make that kind of comparison? And it hit me! That is life - I mean, I have been trying to see how you can get those attributes of Wrath and Love and Justice and Kindness to mesh - and then it hit me - they don't have to mesh! I mean, my life today was full of contrasts - quiet and madness, friends and loneliness! It was life - and such is God. He doesn't have to fit into some package that I can understand all the time - rather He is complex - even more complex my life! And that as I try to attempt to fit Him into my box, the bigger He gets! And I want somehow to understand and believe all the aspects of His character and love Him for all of them too! But lately I have gotten bogged down in my trying to make Isa. 63 disappear and make my own god that I can understand and like all the time ( a god like me!) - and in the words of the great theologian, Dr. Bingham - "if Isa. 63 doesn't fit into your theology, you don't love the God of the B - you love some god, but it isn't the God of the B!"

Loneliness

Loneliness - it is a bear! I was thinking today about Blue like Jazz and the chapter on community - you know, the one where it talks about him talking to Elizabeth Barrett Browning and the cartoon about the guy flying out in space - getting gagged by his hair! funny stuff! Well, if you don't remember, or haven't read it - go read it - it will help you understand what I am about to write. I was thinking about this chapter in Blue Like Jazz because the last few weeks have been really lonely. I realized today that I have been lonely for a while - I realized it because I was talking to a friend who just got engaged (hooray Louise!) and I was thinking about the phone calls and emails that I have been exchanging with Joe -and the fact that I am mad at him since he has dropped off the face of the earth the last few weeks. I was wondering why I am mad at him, and it hit me - I am lonely! I have been latching on to every hint of intimacy, unity or community that I have been given over the last few months. So whether it has been an email from an ex-boyfriend or an email from a friend, I have been looking for friendship everywhere I look. Not that I don't have friends, I have friends at work, friends at church - but compared to the wealth of friends that I had in Dallas - I feel completely empty. I forgot to tell my friends how great they were, I forgot to thank them for all that they did for me! I now see how important my friends are - so, I am not so lonely that I am gagging on my own hair - but I am longing for deep relationships - I am praying now that I will not run back home and become a leech on anyone who offers friendship - but I am praying that I will have deep friendships with those friends I love there in Dallas - as well as new ones I don't even know yet!

My weekend

Well this weekend I had the opportunity to hang out with a friend and her new baby in Dubai - her husband was going to Qatar for an interview with a university and was flying back the next day, we decided to stay in Dubai to avoid the 1 1/2 hour trip back home and then the return trip the next day! so....we spent the night in a hotel and then hung out in Dubai. It was my first time in a long time since I spent any extended time around a small baby and boy did I realize how selfish I was! I was amazed at how often we do things for ourselves until I had a small baby who is completely self absorbed and will not be ignored! I mean, we had to think about him all the time - when to change him, when to feed him, what Amy could eat, how much sleep we would get - when we would sleep and when we wouldn't! - where we would sit in restaurants, movies, etc. When we would leave the house -how much we would take with us in the mall! I mean, for a no purse, shove the wallet in your back-pocket kind of girl - a stroller, baby bag, bottles, purse, and car seat made for a HUGE change! I realized that I was so much more selfish than I thought! I mean, I realized that as easy going as I am, I like it when I get to be easy going - not planned, or even well thought out - just go with the flow! But, cute little Isaiah, was only worried about himself and I had to think about him because he couldn't think about himself! It was a major change! I never realized how incredibly self centered and me focused I was until everything in my life was turned upside down and I had a totally dependent baby and a recovering from surgery mother ( a C-section just three weeks ago!) in my care - and then I lived my weekend at their disposal! Now, don't get me wrong - I had a blast! I got to spend the whole weekend in short sleeve shirts and little to no gawking - and I got to shop at Safest way and get Quaker oat squares and cinnamon life - but I also got to go shopping and get a Pat green Cd - and we had great conversations over lunch and dinner about community and church and life goals and experiences and relationships! It was a wonderful time - but I was just amazed at how selfish I was - even this great weekend was littered with selfish thoughts and longings to be free from the shackles of myself so that I could truly enjoy serving and living side by side with friends.

I don't feel it

You know some days are really good days and you feel as if J is really close - or as Chris Rice says "you smell the scent of angel wings" - and some days you just can't wait to end so that you can start a new one over - today has been one of the those days - I mean, recently I have felt closer to J than I can remember - I felt as if He was my best friend, whispering in my ear things to change, things to love things to read - but lately I have felt as if He has fallen over a cliff - and I can hear muffled noises, and sometimes see Him off in the distance - but I don't feel as if He is really walking with me, side by side. I know that He is here - I know He loves me and is changing me so that I don't live life on the life boat - but I feel as if He is no where to be found. This scares me. I mean, I don't know when these feelings will come and when they will go - and I have to push thru them - but is this like every relationship? I mean aren't there times in even the best relationships that the other person seems distant, or busy, or out of town - It seems natural in human relationships because we know that there are two people involved, and that means two personalities, two schedules, two of everything - but with J I think that this shouldn't be the case - but maybe it is - not that He is off busy doing things, but that there are times when He wants me to know His closeness and maybe at other times He wants me to learn from the distance I feel.

A Poem!

"...I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story.
From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree,
starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet. "

Sylvia Plath - The Bell Jar

I read this portion of Sylvia's book after I watched the movie "Sylvia" staring Gwinneth Paltrow. It was a great movie - sad story of a young woman who drove herself mad but was an incredible poet! As I heard her recite these lines in the movie, I thought, "that is me!" I see myself as this little girl in the fig tree - my future is stretched out before me and they all look so good - but choosing one, leaves the others on the tree to rot - but not choosing one makes them all rot in front of me! But how would you choose? How would you pick?

I don't listen!

Josh asked me to write about something that someone said - he is so good about this, even writing about something that Mike said and then his sons, his group leader, friends, etc- so I accepted the challenge and have not written for the last few days because I am trying to find something that someone said to write about. And I decided today that the reason I have nothing to write about is because I don't really listen to people! I have lots of conversations with them, but all the while I am thinking about what I am going to say or what I am going to do next or..... And I don't really listen to them at all! So, I have nothing to write about - nothing to say "isn't this cool" or "I learned this" or "I thought about this phrase and realized that it applies to me!" except maybe that today on the playground I was talking to a teacher and she was talking about the kids and she said "they drive me to drink!" and I laughed and agreed!

Pluggin away

I realized today that I really don't like my job - but that I have only 7 weeks of "normal" work and then 4 more weeks of hanging out at school with no kids to teach! So, I figure I can do anything for 7 weeks - right?
Also, I have realized that as I try to go back to Dallas and put myself in a position to learn community by sharing a house with someone, it is really easy to "chicken out" and just go it alone - I mean, it would be so much easier for me to just find my own place and think that someone would move in with me after a semester - but if I really want to do this community thing, I have to press through the easy and try to find someone that is best! So, I plug away!
I don't have anything brilliant to say tonight - but I wanted to write! So here it is!

My favorite pastime

You know, if I was honest about what I do most to make me feel better about myself there is only one thing that would always win - I don't go hiking (though I love a good romp in the woods) and I don't read a book (though I am always ripping through the pages of some great or not so great novel) and I don't get lost in movies (though I always love a good flick!) There is one thing that I indulge in daily - sometimes hourly! - that always makes me feel way better! No matter what is going on in my life, happy or bad, I can jump into my pastime without a moments notice and revel in my happiness. The only problem is that the happiness that comes from my favorite activity is cheap and passes often, so it requires me to return to it again and again so that I can live a happy life. It is by far my worst addiction and one that I often stand in denial that it even exists! This is my favorite pastime - comparing. I am a pro! I mean whether I am in a good mood or a bad one, I compare myself to others so that I feel as though I am secure. I am overwhelmed by how much time I spend comparing people to me - and I am drawn even further out into the Rip tide as I realize that I spend most of my time comparing proving that I am better than they are! For instance: If I am mad I think "I would have done this" or if I am in a good mood, I think, "I am doing so good compared to.." Or "I am so glad that I can enjoy this, unlike...." Or like this morning, I think "they have kids, are married and have a life - so why do they always presume on the single girl - oh I know! I have more time because I am not married - even though I work A FULL TIME JOB! And they do nothing! - right! Katy can do it!" but even in that statement I realized how much I compare - it wasn't that I was mad that I was serving, I was mad that they were acting like I had more time than they do! WHAT A JOKE!! Then I thought about what they probably thought -"We have kids and a family and are learning Arabic, I wish we had more time like Katy to do fun things for other people!" And it hit me - comparing goes both ways and is an endless cycle! So I ran to the book to remind myself about what it says about this awful pastime! At the end of His time on earth, after His resurrection, J was talking to Peter. They were talking about the end of Peter's life and Peter turned to look at John and asked J about what would happen to him - then J told Peter not to worry about what He chose to do to others, but to follow Him! Isn't that just like me - thinking I am better than" so and so" or understand deeper than "so and so" and I ask J, "what can you possibly do though someone like that?" and I hear Him saying "don't worry about them- FOLLOW ME!" and then Paul! J didn't stop there in His directions to us in this area - Paul in Galatians spend the last two chapters talking about this idea! He starts with saying that we are saved by grace and then gets to the height of his letter - explaining how this will change the way we live because we didn't earn our salvation but rather we are saved by the effort of Christ - and that alone! He starts chap 5 chatting about how we are set free to be free - not to be enslaved to the idea that we have to do something to remain in God's good graces. He then talks about how all that matters is J and that we should have a faith that shows itself in love (vs 6)- not in being better or worse than others. Then he asks why they have forgotten this and then tells them that our freedom is given to us so that we can love our neighbor as ourselves (vs. 14) He then tells them that this devouring and biting each other will end in their destruction. He tells them that they way they are to stop this is by walking in the Sp. He gives a list of what walking in the flesh looks like - and unbelievably it looks like: hatred, discord, jealousy, selfish ambition, dissentions, factions, envy, and the like. (vs.19-21) All of these things are results of comparison - when I start picking other people apart and making myself feel better by comparing myself to them this is what happens. But then Paul gives the fruit of the Sp - all of these are based on the Sp making me different! They are all based in community - not comparison. After he gives the list of the fruit that comes form living in the Sp, he tells us that we should not become conceited, comparing and envying one another. (vs. 26) Amazing! He has to say it again because he knows that in our flesh we will start thinking that the fruit of the Sp is a way to mark ouesleves as "good: or "not as good as ..." as he tells us again - don't compare! walk in step with the Sp and don't worry about anyone else! But he goes on.... Then Paul talks about restoring one who has sinned (6: 1-2) and this is only possible without trying to make myself better than others - Paul makes this clear in vs. 4-5 that we can only help others when we carry what is our own and think rightly of ourselves WITHOUT comparison! after he chats about some other things he gives his prayer - vs. 14 -15 - and this has become my prayer as well! "May I never boast except in the cross of our Lord J CH, through which the world has been cruc ified to me and I to the world! Neither circumcision or uncircumcision is anything" (not being smart, or cute, or moral, or not a drinker, or not a cusser, or a good witness, or always "doing the right thing" or anything matters! it isn't anything!) "what counts is a new creation!"
Oh that I might really mean that - and make my favorite -pastime rejoicing in the cross and the work that was finished and not what I have "accomplished" on my own, or how much better I am than "so and so" - but that all that would matter is being a new creation! All based on the cross, not anything I have done or not done!