Feelings are a funny breed aren't they- I think they have to be the most powerful thing in the whole world. For feelings of loyalty to country, people have died - because of feelings of insecurity people have risen to places of power to do great - and awful - things, because of feelings of sadness people have ended their life - because of feelings of love people have done crazy things - feelings! They are really powerful - more powerful than a nuclear bomb! They can wreck your world, they can make your world a beautiful place - they are huge! but the crazy thing is that they change so quickly! You would think that things that powerful would be hard to change - and sometimes that is the case - We all have known someone who was in love with somebody, and even though it was awful, and they knew it was wrong, they couldn't change their feelings - so they got married anyway. But, often our feelings change with our breath! It feels as though I get new feelings every time I breath in. :) Sometimes this is great - but other times it kicks my butt! I know that I can't live by my feelings - but it is hard not to be mastered by them. This is most clear when I have a crush on somebody - then it seems if they don't answer their phone, or if they look and smile at someone else, or if they call me and talk for hours - all of these things can make my world rise or fall. But the crazy thing is that I call that "love" when really it is simple selfishness - Look at it - if they don't answer MY call, if they don't look at ME, if they call ME and talk for hours - it is not about helping them, it is not about what is good for them -it is all about ME! And how it makes ME feel! What a joke! I realized this weekend that I have been really selfish and have been mad at people and have thought evil things about people - all because I have a crush on somebody. It is as if I am allowed to think that the world revolves around me as long as that boy is involved. I am an evil person! I am desperately wicked and crooked to my toenails! But, it has been fun to learn this about myself - isn't that one of the reasons that God gave us relationships? To learn about ourselves and how we are so self-consumed! :)
I don't think I have updated my blogging community about my theory of "personal idolatries" - so here it goes....I have been looking for a way to explain "insecurities" because I don't think the the phrase "insecurities" explains what we mean - after all, aren't our "insecurities" actually areas that we are trying to find security in and are painfully aware that we will not find security in them? I think that in my life I try to find security and even redemption in my looks, my wit, my intelligence, my personality - and when I am aware that I can't get security in these areas, then I call them "insecurities" - but actually, because I am trying to find my identity and redemption in these areas, they would be more appropriately called "idolatries" because I am looking to them for my identity and my redemption with others and at times even with God. So, I am calling them "personal idolatries" But that is not why I write, I am writing this because I have been consumed with personal idolatries lately - and they have driven my emotions, and I hate to admit it...My actions. I have been made aware of them because of my "bassackward" way of protecting myself - it goes something like this.....Meet a guy, start hanging out, start really connecting, start thinking that I like him, he does something that shows he doesn't like me, I get scared and start thinking that my redemption rises and falls with his "liking me" - so I get scared and say that I don't like him at all and that he is a jerk, then I start to hang out with him again "as friends" and then the cycle starts all over! MAN! HOW SELF CENTERED! I mean, it is all about me, all about my comfort, my feelings of "security" - and no thought of the other people in my life! I really wish I knew what it meant to love others as more important than myself! I don't know how to love others and not get hurt - but I try all the time....Because as soon as it is clear that things might not turn out the way I want them to, I become selfish, withdraw and protect myself - instead of giving myself away even when it hurts. Maybe, one day, maybe - I will get it and not live the Oprah "live my best life" - for me, making time for me and getting rid of "toxic friends"- but really live like Jesus taught us - to "live to love" - even if it costs us everything - maybe, one day -
Last year this time, the idea that I was to treat people as my brother or sisters was completely foreign to me....Because in all reality, I was closer to my friends that I was to my brother and sisters. I mean, don't get me wrong...I loved my brother and sisters - but I wasn't close to them. They didn't know what I was thinking, they knew what I used to think, they didn't know what I wanted, they knew what I used to want. They had history with me - they knew things about me that no one else knew....But they didn't know me now. So, I felt as if I should try to love the Body of Christ as if they were my friends, not my brothers and sisters. But this year has changed all of that. This year - thanks to the invention of blogging - my brother and I have been able to share what we are thinking and feeling and stuggling with - and we have been able to share some amazing times - Green and Josh are by far some of my best friends - and they are my family too! I can't imaging what life would be like without them...I call them when I get a crush on a guy, when I am in the depths of despair about my insecurities - they call me on sin, on self-protection, on living for myself. And yet, no matter how jerky I can be - and mind you they have seen me look out for Katy and NO ONE ELSE! And they have seen me walking in rebellion and sin - they have seen it - and yet, they accept me fully for who God is making me to be! This friendship has been like finding a thousand dollar bill in your cracker jacks, or cleaning out your trunk and finding that favorite t-shirt that has been missing for weeks! I have other friends that treat me this way too- but I feel as if Josh and Green are at the top....Because I know I will be apart of their lives as long as I am alive - and I am excited that they are going to be apart of mine as well! Thank you Heavenly Father for such great friend, brother and sister - because of them I can better understand that You who freely gave us Your Son, will freely with Him give us all good things according to the riches of Your grace! Thanks for such a concrete example of this!
I feel silly - I think I could run around work trying to fly a kite inside - or I could put my feet in butter and skate down the hallway in my apartment building - or as if I need to spray paint something bright yellow - or die my hair bright pink - or put on crazy clothes and go swimming - or maybe tie balloons to my head and walk around downtown - What could be making me feel this way? Boredom? Love? Craziness? Take your pick! :)
I feel as if I am standing at the edge of the most beautiful lake - a lake so incredible it makes Lake Tahoe look like a pond - and as I stand there, the heat of the day is beating down and I long to get into the water - The idea of the water is so refreshing, I can't wait to get in and let the worries and struggles of my day disappear in the coolness of the water. But as I get in, I feel my breath being sucked into my core! COLD! It is really cold! I stand there for a while, getting used to the coldness and enjoying the change - but then I go deeper - shock again! I feel the sharp intake of breath and let out a yelp! But the excitement of the cold water calls me deeper - it is a shock because of the difference in temperature - but the benefit far outweighs the initial feelings! So I go deeper, with each step, getting further and further out of my "comfort" but being introduced to something that was better than I could have ever imagined! That is how I have felt getting to know my friend Chris - It has been great fun - and shocking - as I realize how incredibly different we are and how some times we aren't even close to the same page....And then as I continue to hang out with him, we have moments of connection that are as if we have been friends for a long time. We have deep conversations, and yet we can just share stories and laugh with each other! We hang out and I get shocked by the similarities - or the differences - but the enjoyment of the friendship has been better than I could have pictured! It is such a blessing to have friends like this - God is teaching me so much through them - I have learned so much about myself through Chris...He has made me see my friendships differently and also he has made me see myself more correctly and most importantly - he has made me see the God we worship differently. I have learned from him as he has grown over the last few months - and even the changes he has made in the last week! It is always fun to hang out with someone who is being changed into the Divine Image - and this is true of Chris! Again - I feel incredibly blessed and have no way to express this gratitude to him and the many others that God has given me - so, I will have to pretend that sending it out into cyberspace will show them how much I need them and how much I care for them and how important they are to me!
Sometimes I feel as if my life could be boiled down to my obligations - I am obligated to eat, obligated to sleep, obligated to get dressed, obligated to go to work, obligated to do homework, obligated to exercise, obligated to read my Bible, obligated to shower, obligated to put gas in my car, obligated to pay my bills, obligated to live! It is crazy! I don't know what it is that makes me view life this way - some days I see life as an opportunity to serve others and love God....Other days I see it as some really incredibly boring thing that has to be endured for 16 hours until I can go to sleep and escape it once again! That is pathetic! I sound like I am really depressed - I don't feel depressed, I just feel like the reality of the number of minutes I am going to live has walked up and slapped me in the face, and then the reality of how many minutes I will live and do things that I am obligated to do - like, sleep, shower, eat, etc -has walked up to me and rubbed sour cream in my hair! And the reality of how many minutes I will spend doing things that I have to do and not the things that I want to do has come up to me and put peanut butter in my ears! So - I feel as if I am stupid - I have been slapped, sour creamed and peanut buttered - so I am walking around, with these realities seeping into my identity - I truly need to learn to count the days, to learn the importance of a moment! Even moments that I am doing things that are obligations - I mean, didn't Jesus become man, take on the obligations of man, so that I might partake in the Divine nature? I mean, doesn't God want to make me holy - and this does not mean removing my obligations - so how do I become holy in the paying of my bills? Do I have to become like the monks of the eastern church and spend all of my "idle time"- the time where my mind can be free because of the boredom of activities in this life - and spend that time praying "Lord Jesus, Savior of the world, have mercy on me a sinner!" and say this over and over and over - trying to remind myself, that the sour cream in my hair and the slaps on my face are all for the glory of God! That every minute we have, every breath we breathe - even in the most boring and mundane and obligated times of our lives - are to bring glory to God! I so want that to be true in my life! But how do I make it happen! How do I rejoice in the obligations and see them as much a part of my life as the exciting times? HOW????
What is it about me that always wants something more? I mean, no matter how great my friends are, or how great my school is or how great my overall life is - there is always that something that makes me want to move to Australia - because no one is cursed in Australia...Right? I think it has to do with the fact that I have this uncanny ability to look at the good things in life, I focus on those and ignore all the little things that remind me that this earth is not the new earth - and then, things happen...Like I have to pay bills, I have to go to work, I have to not sleep in for a month...And counting, and then I surprise myself - because these things start to bother me, yeah verily, they usurp my life - and then I think "I just need to get married!" or if it has to do with money "I just need to move to South Korea and be with Joe!" - so I am always solving problems with something that I think will solve all my problems! And then I realize that my hope does not lie in the return of Christ, but rather in the hope of being married and having someone pay my bills! How Pathetic! I mean - yeah right! But then, I woller in the fact that I am pathetic - oh! To be able to live with God's perspective on my life, on my bills, on my loneliness, on my friends, on my time, on the minutes that string into days that string into weeks and months and a lifetime - I want to not seek happiness in this life - I want to seek God! I don't want to wish for something more, for something to make me handsome, rich or wise - I don't want to have one had in a pot of gold and the other in the side of Christ! I want to live with seeing all that is in my life - even the details of mortality...I have to eat, sleep, take a shower, pay my bills, do my homework, go to work -even if it is boring - the details of mortality! I want to see these details as Christ did - He did not loathe His humanity, He did not long to be rescued from this world - He understood that humanity needed to be redeemed - not eradicated! I want to long not for worldy pleasures, but for the only thing that can really fulfill - redemption!
How trying to find contentment in this world has led to an influx of comparing and therefore self -centeredness coupled with insane insecurities
I feel like an early church father with this insanely long title for this blog - but it is very true! I have realized (after two or three really long conversations with really great friends - most recently with Renee' who is in town for a few days!) that the reason I do such horrid things is because I am trying to find my joy and fulfillment in this world. This desire to find my happiness this side of the second advent of Jesus leads me to look around at other people that I think have a happiness that I have not yet found- this is called comparing. So then I compare all kinds of wacky things - like, I am just as pretty as her, so why is she getting asked out, or I am smarter than her and a Heck of a lot better at conversing - so why is he interested in her - or I am really fun, so why does she want to hang out with her boyfriend instead of me - and then, quick as a match flaring up, my stick of comparison has become entrenched. It is amazing, I quickly begin to feel as if I have been victimized because I do not have the happiness that I think I am due because I am at least as good if not better than these other people - yep! You heard me! Isn't that gross - but it gets worse! So then, I am totally only thinking about myself - and then, when I get so wrapped up in myself, that I begin to tear everything apart about myself! Then I begin to see areas that I don't measure up! And then I start to think that no one would ever like me if they saw all that crap...And then it becomes very clear that because of this I will always be lacking full happiness here on earth - and then it starts all over again! YIKES! all of this because I place my hope in this earth and what happiness I can find in it - I act as if all I could ever hope for is all ready here! WHAT A JOKE! I definitely agree with Sarah - I keep looking for something more! And that something is not a husband, a better friend, a cooler place to live, a job that allows me to sleep in, my book being published, a sheesha pipe or Dr. Pepper - all that I need and want and hope for is really the return of Christ - and forgetting this fact leads to CRAP in my life - so Father, today - could Jesus come back! I really do need Him to- I really do want Him to - I really want to live with Him forever on the new earth - to rejoice in my "whole self" being put right, to rejoice in the fact that I am freed from sin, to rejoice in the fact that I have been made like Him, to rejoice in the fact that I no longer have needs that are not met - but that everything has become Christ -above all and in all!
Today I was thinking it would be fun to start some random lists of 7 things - so here is the first one - these will spring up in random places and you are - as always- able to contribute and add your random list to any of these blogs - so join in the fun and embrace the randomness of life! 7 things that I think about carrots: 1. They are orange 2. They are triangles 3. They are good in salads 4. They are fun to eat when you want something crunchy 5. They are cheap 6. They are not good with ice cream, or chocolate, or pizza 7. They do not go well with movies, serious talks, cigars and bathtubs
You know - this weekend I have been smacked against the face once again with my self-consumption! I think I am doing ok, that I am learning to need people, and I feel as if I have learned a lot about allowing people to speak truth into my life. AND THEN....It becomes ever so clear that I am really only in this game of life for me - that I am really the center of my life and that all I do is to make me feel better about myself or about my life. Unfortunately, the person who gets to be at the receiving end of this selfishness is mostly Aaron - I can't believe that I would be so self-centered that I would say things so that I would feel better about my position - even if it brings pain and agony to others - but I do! It is amazing how much I have realized about myself in my relationship with him - and the fact that he wants to be friends with someone who is so selfish amazes me! the scary thing is, I am sure I am that way with other people - they are just not close enough to me for me to notice - I think I see how I would need to have the mantra "other people exist" because so often in my "movie" everyone is just here for me - after all, I am learning a lot and these people are the ones responsible for this growth (that is the Holy Spirit inside of them) - and they are making me have fun, and they think I am cool - so they are here for me! I forget that they have feelings, they have dreams, they need for me to say that they are cool - and that my focus on myself prohibits me from loving them....But what is worse, it makes me hurt them! HOW CAN I BE SO SELFISH! It makes me cringe - actually the scary thing is I think this is normal, and maybe even on some level ok - totally expected in the human experience - that is what scares me! I think it is ok....ok to be a jerk if the other person is over-reacting, ok to think about myself so that I don't get walked on, ok to protect myself from the pain that comes from love - after all isn't love "exquisite pain!" - so I walk around with all of these things, acting as if it is ok- ok? Really? I mean, what good is my spirituality, my prayers, fasting, and other disciplines if I am selfish? Really? Why do I have an expected level of selfishness that is ok - I mean, check me if I am wrong, but I think that Jesus wasn't selfish at all - and am I not supposed to have that attitude in my life? Why do I think that other people should just cut me some slack - is it because even when I am being "unselfish" all I am really doing is saying that other people are "selfish?" - so I am just blaming them and acting like I am wonderful - could that really be possible - have I just been kidding myself that I am learning to be unselfish - and if I am cursed that deeply - how will I ever be rescued from myself! Hurry back Jesus! I, for one, desperately need You to put me back together again!
I hate fasting - I mean it! I hate it! I hate it for a few reasons - One-I feel pathetic that I am mortal and have to have food to live - I mean, come on! It makes me feel really silly that I can't go 24 hours without food - I mean, I can.....But it seems to rule my day - all I can think of is my silly stomach! I feel it grumble all day - yelling to me that I need something to eat! I hate needing things - it is not something I do well- I act as if I am above everyone and everything and can provide for myself by myself- but I can't and fasting reminds me of this. The second reason I hate fasting is that it is hard. I have lived in a culture that has valued instant gratification and serving myself all my life - it is completely foreign to remove something from my life just because - Did I say that I hate fasting? - but you know, I just really needed to remind myself that I need Jesus to come back. So I fast - I try to do this every week now - it has become a part of my spirituality - I have realized each week as I take Friday to mourn Christ's death and to remind myself of the meta-narrative of His incarnation, death, resurrection, ascension and impending return that I realize how much I really need Him. I have realized today that I am mortal and that I do need to be transformed into His likeness at His return. I have also realized that I need to place myself in positions where I have to think of something bigger than myself and my own needs. And fasting does this - I have to think of a greater good, not just what I want right now! It has also reminded me that I need people - I need them to speak truth in my life, to provide community for transformation and to make me love Jesus more! So for that I am grateful for those who have gone before me and have handed down this tradition of fasting. So, maybe I don't hate fasting - after all, I learn so much from doing it every week - No - check that -I still hate it :)
Today I realized a lot of things - as you can tell by the plethora of blogs :) but one of the things I learned is about how cool God is in giving us friends - I have had some really cool friends in my life - friends that are like the best t-shirts you have ever had-that grow and stretch with you in your life, that have been through the coolest times in your life - and that you love so much you could never imagine life without them! These are the kinds of friends that are comforting just because they are there - just knowing that you can call them makes you smile - and the fun that you have with them is unimaginable and absolutely impossible to explain! These friends are rare - but God has been so gracious that I can say that I have had friends like that in every segment of my adult life! In college it was Adam and Joe, at seminary (the first time) it was Melissa and Katy and Angela and Louise - wow! What a priviledge to know these girls! And who could forget Paul and Donna! What a treasure to be able to be apart of their family- the rest of the world should be jealous! And then in the Emirates it was Vicki and Stacey - these are girls that Heb 11 would fit - the world is not worthy of them! And I could go on - what about Ben and Amy, well placed and impeccably timed friends to make me worship Jesus in ways I could have never imagined! And then I have Josh and Green- they are closer to me than family- and everyone should be jealous that they are related to me! :) And then now, God has placed such incredible people in my life - my roommate - she is more than I could have ever imagined! She loves Jesus the way I do, she is so very practical in her spirituality - and honest and wants transformation, really she does - she wants to be like Jesus! It is such an honor to be in her house! I can safely say that is the reason I have planted my life here in Dallas this semester - and have not planned trips around the world and adventures to faraway schools (in Portland :) - is because I would have my friends no matter where I live - but I can only room with Nicci if I stay here! And then there is Aaron - how do I express that? I can't - but I will try - it is like looking into the night sky on a clear night, and everytime you think it couldn't get any more beautiful, you see another cluster of stars that weren't there before - or you realize the immensity of the night sky or you take a deep breath, snuggle into the grass for the dazzling to reach into your soul - all the way to your toes - and then a streak, thousands of miles away- bursts across the sky- making your heart smile! Yeah- that is what it is like! It has been so much fun to watch God give me this friendship - and to watch it grow, as stars popping out of the night sky- to dazzle me a little bit more! I have hurt him, I have annoyed him, I have made fun of him, disagreed with him more times than not - and yet, the conversations we have make me love Jesus more, and the time we spend together makes me love people more - I feel like I have just tried to use a Dixie cup to hold Niagara falls...But at least I tried! :) I am so grateful for these relationships....I am so glad that I have had so many people that these words would describe - and I am so grateful that I could add many more to this list - so don't get mad if you are not on it - it is just that the library closes in a few minutes! :) Wow! I am humbled that God would see fit to allow me to be apart of these peoples lives! Thanks Jesus!
Yesterday, I dressed up in my Abaya and went to class. We were celebrating the fact that it was all saints day and we wanted to represent the saints around the world. I was worried, because I wore my abaya to work on Wed. And everyone thought I was dressed as a terrorist. This really bothered me because I knew that the people who dressed like that were not all terrorists. I felt as if my people were being assaulted because of the fear of americans. So I was afraid that the Christians at school would have the same response and I would be angry. But, I decided to wear it anyway. And that was the response I got- people just stopped in their tracks when they saw me - and I was mad and sad! I couldn't believe it! I mean, we are Christians and we are supposed to love others - now granted it is kinda weird to see someone fully covered in the states - especially at a seminary! :) So I was trying to cut them some slack - but I was mad! So, I sat in my Greek class, frustrated with the response I was getting from fellow students - but then my Greek prof did the coolest thing! He said that because I was dressed up and we were having a lecture series in chapel this week on Islam, that we should take some time to pray for those people around the world working among Muslims. So we went around the room and told the names of people that we know that work in the Muslim world. And then we took time to pray for these people! It was so cool! We took 20 min out of class to recognize the hard work of our brothers and sisters around the world! And then, as we were praying, God convicted me - really convicted me! One of my brothers in my class prayed - and he started this prayer with a confession of how it made him feel when he saw me - he said that he was sorry for not having love and feeling a lurch in his stomach at the site of me! It was great! But then, I realized that I was not happy - I was mad! I mean, he had acted like that to me - and that made me mad! But wasn't the reason that I dressed up to make people understand that we have a few sisters that wear the Abaya? Why did I not feel joy at his confession and his statement that he wants to love them? Why? Because I was protesting! I wanted to show people how wrong they were! I wasn't doing this to encourage love - I was doing this to show people how stupid they are! YIKES! I sat there and wept! I had not been doing this to prod people to love like Jesus, I had been doing this to show how right I was! I realized that there is a big difference between protesting and prodding - they both want to uncover wrong, they both want to encourage change - but protesting does that out of anger and prodding does it out of love - protesting wants to show people that I am right, but prodding wants people to confess their wrongs and have a deeper love! I was amazed at how selfish I had been - trying to prove my "rightness!" - Me, trying to show how others don't love like Jesus - and there I was, angry at them and not loving them! WHAT A HYPOCRITE! And what incredible grace - to show me my sin, and then call me gently to Himself to be more like Him! What an incredible God we serve, Whose love knows no end! May He continue to show me how to live out that love!
Today I was sitting in class and someone shared a prayer request about a pastor that had been electrocuted at a baptism in Waco. Here is the story - there was a baptism service at a church in Waco and the pastor went to adjust the microphone, the mic dropped into the water and in front of the whole congregation and the girl that was to be baptized, the pastor was electrocuted. He died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital - as you can imagine, his wife and three kids are devastated, the girl that was to be baptized is traumatized and the congregation is in a fog of despair! What a tragedy - so we all bowed to pray for all the prayer requests mentioned and especially for our brothers and sisters in Waco and the immensity of being mortal filled the room - it is amazing how quickly we think that we are able to provide all that we need to exist - and then something like this happens and we realize that we are mortal and that we desperately need the return of Christ to put things right in the world. Then, as soon as people had prayed for that, another girl started praying and she started her prayer like this "Dear Heavenly Father, thank You so much for the beautiful weather, thank You for the rain last night that refreshed the earth, thank You for ..." It was as if we had forgotten the tragedy and had to be all happy about life - YIKES! Have we as Christians forgotten what it means to be mortal? Do we act like we have to be happy and rejoice regardless of what is going on? I feel as if we act like everything is supposed to be honky-dory here on earth and we have removed all need for Jesus' return! I mean what happened to realizing that not everything is ok here - and that we need hope - and that the reason we can rejoice is that this corrupted earth is not our home - I mean, do we not believe in Rom 8 any more?
