I am too exhausted to blog - yes! It is nine o'clock and my body is screaming for the bed- and seeing as I have a crap day again tomorrow - a concert for my class - decorations, 22 kids in a small space that have to bee kept quiet for 4 hours - oh, did I mention that they are 5 and that they don't speak English and that they are Arab and have very little discipline at home without being yelled at or hit? So anyway - I have a crap day tomorrow - and I got my hair cut really short - and in the states it would be a really cool cut - but here The other workers just look at me like I am a freak and the people I work with think it is funny and I don't know what I think anymore - such life boat issues kill me! And then I got a call from my sister - who I "rent" from - i.e. I pay their bills for them and go in debt in the process - but anyway - she calls and tells me that I have the great possibility that I will have to move out of my place in a few days! Yea - you heard me a few days! Yikes! But I don't have time nor energy to think about that tonight - so I am going to flee my life and go to bed - lose my self in Sherlock Holmes and dive into the blissful gift of sleep - and wake to be 12 hours closer to my awful day ending and school being officially over! Praise the Lord!
It is funny how I feel the need to do something worthwhile- I mean, I went to work today, "sample packed" my stuff to see exactly how many suitcases it was going to take to get home and then went to the tailor to get the costumes for my concert on Wed. Night and then I made a quick stop at the grocery store - but even then I still feel as if I have done nothing all day - I think it is because I haven't learned anything today - I mean consciously. I am sure I learned things - but today I feel the need to blog so that I can so something worthwhile and re-hash what I learned. So- what did I learn today - I can't think of anything really....But I have been thinking about what I would blog- and I remembered what I read in Francis Schaffer's book - True Spirituality - I have been reading this book for a while- and yes I should be finished by now - but I have read a few books while I have been reading this one - I mean - I am also reading Sherlock Holmes and I read that book about Anglicans - so anyway.....I was reading that FS book and I read a line that took me back. It was so simple and yet so new- it was so true and rang with its trueness and yet I felt as if I had never seen or heard anything like it- but it was so simple that I am sure I have heard it over and over and over. But I read this line and I read it again and then again. It went something like this....We are not just collections of isolated parts. "there is a Francis Schaeffer who is neither just a collection of isolated parts, nor yet just a flow of consciousness. Anything that hurts that unity is destructive of the very basic thing that man is and that man needs to be." p. 123 as I read this I thought about my life - I mean I often segment my life - I like to pretend that I have one part of my life that goes to work, another part of my life that plays with my friends and then another part that delves into theology and loves ideas. But this is not true - and actually the part of me that likes to segment my life is the part of me that is destroying the unity that makes me "man." I mean, the fact that I can think about my life this way shows that I am trying to find continuity between all my parts - and when I can't find it I separate my life into parts that make sense. But it is this sense of "disunity" that drives me to different jobs, different countries and different adventures. And all the while I am really seeking being "whole." I mean - I just want to be the same person in all the different places and things in my life - I want to be authentic and whole. I think this is why I long for community - with God in worship and with others - because that is the only way that I see me finding the key to "wholeness."
You know, some times I wish I could do a lot of things - I mean - who wouldn't want to ride in a hot air balloon over the continent of Africa, or go to a Patty Griffin concert and smoke shisha, or live in the mountains as a hippy for a few years - all with satellite internet so I can blog every day! Or a whole lot of other things! But today, I wish I could write poetry. I mean, I don't want to be a "Sylvia Plath" or a "Lord Byron" but I would love to be able to write what I am feeling in a way that doesn't try to explain it but lets other people feel it. I mean I read someone say once that they feel like and empty hallway - and I thought yeah! I feel that too....All the possibilities lie ahead of me - and I sit in an empty hallway until they actualize - But just saying "an empty hallway" is so beautiful! It explains it without explaining it! I wish I could do that ....But when I think of what I would say it is.... So silly and just so self explanatory it feels like I bought the metaphor in the cracker Jack box! I mean - part of why poetry is so great is that it expresses it in a way that you would not have thought about otherwise. So, I will just keep reading poetry and then maybe I will "get it" and be able to write and express myself that way!
So, today school was awful! I spent over 3 1/2 hours outside and the temp was 115!!!! So I was very hot, tired because today is my "Friday" and I am so ready for the kids to leave school and me to be on my way home! Also, I learned that my sis is probably not coming back- so that means that I will have to spend time packing her crap - and my crap- as we will be packing up all of our lives here - which is sad! I don't have anything major to write- But, I did go out for shisha again tonight - with about 7 other ladies - all from the levant - and there was a lot of Arabic being spoken and I was just struck once again by how great it is to live in this country - around people who are not like me, who talk differently, who laugh at different things - it is such a great reminder that life is not about me! I mean - it is hard to think that life is about you when you are confronted with the fact that all the people around you speak a totally different language! and you know, I have found that God is so good- I mean He is good to me in so many ways - by providing this experience for me, for my health, my voice - that although at times it feels as if it is going to vanish, always manages to hold on for one more day - and for my friends here - I have made such good friends that I will love and cherish for the rest of my life! And not only that - but He has given me things that I thought I would never have! I mean, shisha - that is definitely beyond my wildest dreams! Friends to blog with - I mean, come on - who would have guessed that blogging would make me think about J in new and different ways - and think about my obedience to Him in revolutionary (at least to me) ways! I told you that there would be nothing "amazing" about my blog today - but here it is!
well let's try this again! This is the second time I am writing this because my computer is crap and I lost the first attempt! That is a word I learned today - I learned it in a Sherlock Holmes book - it means chronic invalid. I think it is fun to use because I remember as a child my older sister reading Sherlock books just to learn new words- so I think it is cool to use a big word that I would have thought was cool when I was a kid. How whacked can you get? Anyway - I have been thinking a lot lately about the gap between what we say we believe and what we actually love like we believe. And one of the areas that seems to come up again and again is the "physical and the spiritual" - today's version of it is how do we have both in worship? I mean, I have realized that I don't give the equal footing or importance in my life - I mean, I don't think about my body being a spiritual temple when I reach for fries and a coke - even though I believe that it is. And I don't live like it is going to be an eternal instrument for me to use to worship - I act like it is not important at all. So what does this have to do with worship - well, I don't think that the way we worship reflects what we believe either. I mean, mostly church is a passive activity - we stand, we sit, we sing, we talk, we listen- that's it. It is mostly a "heady" thing - not something really physical. But I don't think that is the way the NT believers thought of their gatherings - I mean we read of suppers where they celebrated communion together - and then in Hebrews it talks about incense and such being used in worship - in the temple - but maybe in NT worship as well. And it just made me think that communion is the perfect blend of this reality- apart from J of course!- but think about it! I mean, we touch it, we taste it, we chew - we smell the bite of the juice - or wine - and it is very physical. I mean, we don't think we can just sit around and think of the death of Christ - or even of the wine and the bread- and call that communion- even if we all did it together! I mean, we have to have the physical elements! But, they are not just physical- I mean the spiritual reality behind them is just as clear in our mind as we take them- they are both spiritual and physical at the same time - the same as we are! And I think that celebrating communion - with others and the fellowship that it brings - and the reality of the 3 that we celebrate as we eat and drink - the idea of the gift of the Father, the death and resurrection of the Son and then the indwelling of the Spirit all being seen in the act of taking and eating together - I think that doing this more often would help me bridge the gap in my daily life! I want to go to a place that embraces physical worship as well as spiritual worship!
This week has been a weird week where I haven't even really thought about what I have been learning- but aren't we supposed to learn something new everyday? I mean, this week has been pretty average. I have gone to work - against my wishes- everyday - and I have been on walks, been out with friends and had a good time. I am counting the days until school is out - and that means I am counting my days until I can go home - but I am beginning to get a little stressed about going home and all the culture shock that will result with the 1000 candy choices in the 7-11 and the radio stations, and eating out joints! I mean, richness brings so many choices and I have been out of the loop of these choices lately (haven't been to Dubai in over 7 weeks- so Al Ain has been the scope of my world) But I have learned some things - I was thinking about this on my romp last night - I have learned the benefit of sitting and talking with people - this culture values that much more than my own. I mean, here you see men just sitting on the side of the road - or like last night, sitting on the side of the fountain outside of the grocery store. They were just sitting and talking - no real reason, just to talk. I don't think that we do that enough at home - it seems we have to schedule coffee to catch up - but we don't just sit! I mean, we don't just hang out at the grocery store so we can run into people and be apart of their life! Also, at home we don't value touch like they do here- I mean, when we see good friends we might give them a hug - but here at every greeting you "kiss" both cheeks - sometime 5 times! But you pull the other person close to you and greet them. I mean - not the men and ladies together - but women to women and men to men. I think this is good - I mean, it brings people into the space that you normally reserve for yourself. That is important. It brings a closeness that we often leave out! And then there is the benefit of hanging out with just girls. I mean, here it seems to excessive and I wish it was a little more mellowed. But, we don't really value that at home - I mean we have "girl's night out" and such - but daily hanging out with just the girls - doesn't often happen. I think this is a something that we miss out on. I have spent the last 8 1/2/ months hanging out with just the girls. I mean, I might see the "boys" out and grab lunch with them - but the most I see them is once a week. That is very different from being at home! At first, I hated this - I wanted to be with the boys - but now I have realized how mush I enjoy hanging out with the girls. It has made me a different person. I am afraid what I am going to turn into when I return to "real life!" and boys are a part of my daily experience! I have changed a lot the last 8 months - mostly in ways I can't express. I wish I could, because then I would feel as if I could just tell people back home, they would understand and then be able to accept me - but as it is , I feel as if my best attempts to explain what has happened would be like one of the kids in my class - who doesn't speak much English- trying to explain the atomic bombing of Hiroshima. I mean, it wouldn't even come close! I hope that I don't try to judge my culture, my "Christian culture" and I hope that I don't compare the bad things - I want, I mean I really want - to encourage and love and serve my community. I don't want to live as a me and my experiences verses them and theirs - I want to be a "one another" person! So - I have truly rambled - with no real purpose except that I wanted to write all of these things down - that is another thing I have learned - I need to write down what I am thinking for me to really learn it. I have heard that "journaling" is a spiritual discipline - they need to add blogging to that list!
I haven't been that busy- but for some reason I have not taken the time to blog- but I just wanted to let everybody know that I got in Dr. Bingham's class - life and practice of the early church- for next semester! I am really excited -mainly because I have fallen in love with ch urch history because I have come to see it as life here - practical theology. It is a glimpse into how people take what they believe and live it out - in different contexts and in different cultures - but all trying to live out their faith. And, I love Dr. Bingham and think he is absolutely amazing! So, I am totally pumped about getting back to class - seeing my friends in Dallas and getting back to a really busy life! I can't wait! But I am trying to get my head around the fact that I will be leaving this country and might not be back - and at least not for a long time. So I want to live my life here well- experience what I need to experience, share and invest in friends here, not count down till I get back with my other friends - etc. I hope that I can do all of that!
I was reading today from "True Spirituality" by Francis Schafer - it is a great book! Anyway, he was talking about how we always think of the spiritual as separate from the physical, but really as Christians we say we believe that they are intertwined. We say that what we do here has direct effect on heaven - i.e. when someone believes there is a party in heaven, when we pray things change in heaven on our behalf, etc. And the things in heaven have a direct impact on life here - i.e. there are battles going on in the heavenlies for lives here on earth, angels visit us "unaware" and angels long to look into the mystery of grace and redemption! So, it is clear that we believe the physical and spiritual realm are close - but how close? Are they like Carmen's famous quote, "Jesus and God are close!" - Schafer then pointed us to the story of Elisha and the army that was coming to get him - and his servant was like "we are going to die!" and then Elisha said - no, look at all the people on our side! And his servant was like - WHO? You must be on crack! - but then Elisha prayed and the eyes of the servant were opened and he saw that there were angels all around! And as I realized that this idea is true - I started wondering why I don't look at life this way - I mean, why do I think that the spiritual is one thing and the physical is another. I mean, don't I experience life with Jesus in my physical body - don't I see Him at work in the physical universe around me? So, why do I have to act like the physical is here and the spiritual is all mystic and feelings and experiential? Why can't I seek God in eating my breakfast - while running to catch a taxi? Why can't I meet with Him at coffee with friends? Why do we think it has to be in a "quiet time" or in a church service - can't it be on a hike through the giant redwoods of Yosemite?
