Last night I went to a talent show at DTS - it was full of people trying to do spiritual things to show off their talent. I was amazed that we have so many people at DTS that can write, make people laugh and sing - but I was also amazed at the Christian mind that has to have everything be "spiritual." And why is spiritual always end on a happy note? - no one got up there and read poetry about what I was feeling:
caught in the space between words, hidden in the crook of the question mark wondering when the answer would be written
that's right - I got off work - where I had people cuss at me all day long because I work for a company that doesn't always tell the truth and that is really poorly managed. I sat at work, fighting back tears - listening to my co-workers frustrated and breaking - and I thought "GOD! DID YOU NOT HEAR ME!!!! I WANT A NEW JOB!!!!" - I sat thinking about why God is "refusing" to provide a new job for me - and the insecurities flood in...It is because I am not managing my money well, it is because I should have stayed in the Emirates, it is because I don't pray hard enough - and the tears begin to slip down my cheek. I wanted someone to say - me too! But no one was even willing to give me a peek into "realness" why? I don't know - but I know that in my life, I am not real because people won't like me! I know that if I told people that last night I was drowning in insecurity and longing for a friend to laugh with - that I would have been "scary" to those around me. I know that if I had said - I hurt- I need Jesus to come back- that I would get an "I am sorry" instead of a "me too!" so, I will try to be real- even if that scares people - but I am sick of the "bless her heart" eyes that I see when I start saying that I am fallen and need Jesus- like they don't feel like that!
I was getting gas yesterday - and because I am trying to live on a budget, I get all my cash for the week out at once and divide it into categories - which is good, but it means that I can't use my card at the pump and I have to go inside. So, I went in. It was really cold yesterday in Dallas - about 30 degrees and a strong cold wind. So as soon as I made it in the door I shivered and said "Brrrr" to which the Pakistani man that was working behind the counter responded with " You're cute!" I smiled and said "thanks" and then he said "but I bet you don't like boys!" I just laughed and said - "no, I like boys!" and just shot up a quick prayer for all those single women who work in places where you get hit on all the time! Man, life in the US is really different than most places. I just laughed at his candor, assumptions and my "catch 22" - I mean what do I say - yes I like boys so you can keep hitting on me - or no I am gay! But is made me laugh!Of course, he offered to take me to Pakistan, told me that it was ok that it was a huge offer, because "love is crazy" and it does crazy things! I thanked him, told him to keep me posted about when he is going home - and went back into the cold to pump my gas with a smile!
I am in a funk today - have been for a few days actually. I am not really sure why, but I feel as if I am just going through the motions of life and need some kind of thrust to get going again. I don't know what brought it on - maybe I am just overwhelmed with all the need in the world and can't get a handle on what my role is in meeting it - I have been bombarded with the needs of Africa this week- Aids is killing one out of every 10 in most of southern Africa, famine is killing one out of every 5 kids in Western Africa, and in the east, war in Sudan, refugees throughout, children abducted to be soldiers and poverty that seems unending. I know that Jesus wants to give these people more than just the Jesus film, more than just a promise of heaven - He wants to bring Peace and fill their stomachs too! But where do I fit - what can I do? Or maybe it is because I am just being selfish that I am in a funk - you know the selfish drive that makes me want a boy to think that I am pretty and cool. The idea that if a boy thinks I am important than all will be right in the world! Why do I do this - why do I think that there is a simple answer to fixing my curse - I act as if I can just get something or do something and then all will be right - all the evil, the poor, the effects of fallen humanity will disappear with the look of a boy, the accomplishment of a task. It is as if I think that there is something here on earth that will fill my deepest needs- forgetting the fact that the only way that all will be right in the world is if Jesus comes back! so the funk will continue.....
I am reading this book about the "Truth and reconciliation Commission" in South Africa (like I don't have enough things to do, I indulge myself with pleasure reading to counter balance the 100's of pages of required reading!) I have been blown away with the African mindset of forgiveness. These people have been tortured, devastated, lives have been ruined - people treated worse than dogs - and they came to the commission to tell their story and seek reconciliation. These people think of forgiveness - not as a release from guilt, not even as a statement of faith - but as a source of reconciliation. They forgive not because it is the right thing to do, but because unity is bigger than guilt, because reconciliation is valued more than vengeance - because togetherness is bigger than revenge. I have been blown away by this true story - it has brought me to tears many times the stories of the atrocities committed and the forgiveness that is offered. It is such a great story of the miracle of forgiveness - unlike any I have ever read outside of the Bible. - and the crazy thing is, these people aren't even claiming to forgive in the name of Christ! How much more should we - those who claim to be the body of Christ - God's physical representation on earth - how much more should we be known as those who value forgiveness and reconciliation over revenge and hatred - and guilt!
