You know lately I have been talking a lot about what I have been feeling, what God has been teaching me and what I have been thinking about …but I was reminded this past weekend that I need to place the focus on glorifying God, not unraveling this passage of thoughts and memories and time in my life – I mean, I went to church and I heard my great friend Paul talk about Jn 17 – and I love that chapter, because it is where J prays for us to have a unity with Him and with each other – but that is not what Paul talked about, he focused on the first few verses where J prays for glory – I mean it is a very clear passage that shows God’s desire for glory – His own glory that is due Him. In the paraphrased words of a great author of our day – D. Miller – it is the most unselfish thing a perfect being can do to reveal Himself to us and allow us to give Him what He already has – as Paul talked about God wanting glory and us needing to reorganize our lives so that they were not about us but about God – I was struck once again about how much of my life is about me! I mean, I know that there is probably some balance somewhere – but I just feel like Oprah has bit me in the butt once again! I mean, if you read my last few blogs you would see that I have been strugglin’ – life in the US, my lack of need of things – people especially- and I have been getting sliced by the HS as He indwells other people and they have brought this to light and it has hurt – the good hurt of a massage on that really tender spot on your back – but none-the-less hurt! But then I went and heard Paul…and it was like – get a grip! You are not a follower of Oprah! You do not have to have everything in your life be about you – time for you to work this out- time for you to think through these things – time for ME!!!! It was like the last few days have been ME ME ME – and I have forgotten that the point of community, the point of transformation, the point of redemption is GOD”S GLORY! Not me! It is about Him…..and all of this focus on me has made me forget that I love because He chose to bring glory to Himself by loving me first and allowing me to have the ability to love others – all so that they can see Him – it is not about the level of community I have, or the idea that the world revolves around me and my ability to decide if I get married to the throngs if invisible men that have imaginary proposals for a life with me - WHAT A JOKE!!!! It is like I am the light in the refrigerator and I think that I am the most important part of the whole contraption - enough said.
Here I sit, alone in the library because it is summer and it is Saturday and who wants to be in the Library? No one - including me, but this will be my one chance to get my blogs posted for the weekend, because the Library will be closed tomorrow - so, here I sit! I have been thinking a lot lately - mostly made up stories about what I will do when I get to meet Miller himself in less than a month, or what I will say when I meet people in class, or various and assundary positions I will find myself in the next week - isn't our brain a crazy thing? I mean I can have full out conversations with another person in my brain - the other person always saying just the right thing to make me look smart, funny and great to be with - of course! I rarely look stupid, feel nervous or out of place in these conversations - that is probably why I keep having them! Anyway...I have done a lot of thinking about things the last few days - not having a job and not having school will do that to ya! I have finished two books in the last 24 hours and will probably dust off another one in the next 24 hours - not having a TV will do that to ya! Anyway.... My point is that I have plenty of time to think - so I have been and I have realized that I don't like relying on people because I have a basic trust issue - that doesn't just end in my earthly relationships but extends to my relationship with J - I often tell him what I need, rejoice with Him when I see something cool or cry out to Him in worship or pain - but the daily trusting of Him - you know, telling Him I am insecure about my appearance, or my desire to be on that life boat, or my need for people to think I am fun and cool - those are things I leave for my conversations in my head with authors of note and people I think are cool - not with J! And, then I don't really think He is good - whatever Good is...I still haven't figured that one out - but I think of God as more or less an idea that has to be solved, not a friend to hike with - and "good" sounds to me like "mushy" or "sweet" - and I think God is so much bigger than those ideas, so I have a hard time thinking of God as "good" and I am beginning to think that the first time we see "good" in the Bible - at creation - and then the first time we see it with it's opposite - "evil" - in the "tree of the knowledge of good and evil" is really what God wants us to think of when I hear that He is "good" - it is not that He is a mushy guy, or super sweet to all around Him - but rather that there is nothing evil in Him and that He can be trusted - That He is love, light and all that is right - and that is what He wants me to actively believe about Him and live as if it is true - but I am a far cry from trusting Him that much - I am afraid of what adventures that faith might bring - so I am launching another treck through the Gospels, to see J as "One who is to be trusted" - I am anxious for this lesson of the Spirit to burn deep and get rid of all that keeps me from loving deeply and walking securely in my faith - It is painful, walking with these "spiritual band -aids" but it is such a joy to know that He is calling me to a deeper relationship with Him...And that this hike is for that - a relationship that shouts His character..Not mine...His security..Not my insecurities...His fame...Not mine....
In my lap lays the hose for the shisha pipe – yep, I broke it out in Seminary housing! But I am discreetly locked into my room – so no one will be the wiser…as long as none of you tell them! The computer screen reverberates with Wilco’s electric mellow sounds and my head has the faint fog that comes with inhaling shisha too fast! The haze in the room is due to the fact that I have opened the window and the humidity of Dallas is flowing into the room, even though I am on the fourth floor. It feels a little like Dubai, just 20 degrees cooler! People are still amazed at my ability to not think of 97 as hot..but soon I will be amazing them at the fact that I think 70 is freezing! Today I went for a hike at the Cedar Hill State Park – the biggest hills in these parts – not any bigger than the dunes immediately outside of Al Ain, but a hill none the less. I was amazed first at my lack of enthusiasm at seeing the green and the lake- it is quite disturbing that I have adopted other people’s longing for “true nature” – you know the trees and cliffs of Yosemite, the mountains of the Cascades or the Rockies – or even the tree covered mountains of NC…yet I am here surrounded by trees and even a lake – I mean a real body of water…and I was comparing it to “prettier” places I have been and it didn’t measure up – but I quickly applied my newly learned skill of noticing when I am comparing, and just decided to enjoy it for what it was – and then I saw incredible beauty...you know Dallas has these trees that are really different from trees that you normally see. Their bark is dark and lays piled on top of the trunk in such a way that it looks like a fur that coats the tree. And the shape of the trees are so unique – they stretch and turn in ways that most trees would never dream of – with the end result looking like a furry monster reaching up out of the ground, contorted into various positions and covered in tiny green leaves. They are comical, scary and entertaining subjects to observe. And then as I was pondering these great creations, I rounded a bend and then was in the midst of this forest of tiny sticks of trees – and immediately the air took on that mysterious quality that only a forest can bring, sunlight streaming through the leaves, leaving shifting shadows on the ground and actually turning onto beams in front of you eyes – it was awesome. I just stopped in my tracks to enjoy it…it was great! I set out on this trip because I have had a huge need for nature, to worship God in his creation and to think, uncluttered by traffic noise and people….it means a lot to just be able to hear the rustling of a grasshopper before it jumps to the next blade of grass – an to watch its path as it pushes the tall blade down, just a bit, under the slight weight of its body – and to feel that creepy feeling of a spider web across your face and then trying like mad to get it off of you! The last few puffs of the pipe…ahhhhh shisha! I seem to be a ball of emotions today – I have been reading a lot, Don Miller, Pastor Rick’s book – and it has occurred to me that I might be running from true community because I refuse to let people really love me – I mean, it is hard for me to take things from people – I feel when I do that I have to do something to earn their respect for the gift that was given me…. And then the thought occurred to me that maybe my boycott of marriage could be this too…I mean, what if I am running from marriage because it means that I would have to let someone love me! And then, what am I supposed to do about it – I mean I haven’t had many proposals lately…none to be exact – so how do I allow the possibility of marriage without getting consumed by it? How do I let people love me? And how do I receive grace? I mean, how do I let God’s love into my life in such a way that I am not trying to earn some kind of future blessing from Him too? So…..the shisha is finished ……….
I feel as though I have been given a new toy and can't stop playing with it - I have so missed this daily dumping of thoughts and actually thinking about my life instead of just letting it pass me without notice - Today I was driving around, trying to decide if I was going to apply for anymore jobs and a thought occurred to me - I know why I hate job hunting! This basic act of survival strikes deep to the core of my most basic insecurities - one that I will have to rely on someone else for life and practice - this one is true despite all my talk about community and such - I hate rely on people! And two, that I hate rejection - so job hunting is basically like going around telling people that you need them and then letting them tell you that they don't need you! YIKES!!! I hate it! But, I am learning a lot about letting people help me - how this is essential for community - and for dealing with rejection - after all I am not in the life boat - right? So it has been - and will continue to be - a great learning experience - well, I don't have much time because I am still enthralled with miller's new book and have to jet off to read it -
The life boat is alive and kicking! I mean, I read about it in the Emirates and thought “so true!” and I struggled with it there – but in a different way –for those of you who aren’t Don Miller fans – HARAM! Or WRONG/SIN – run out right now and get “Searching For God Knows What” – his second book – or write me and I will send it to you! (there is a copy floating around the Emirates, just so you know) – Anyway, he has a theory that I have totally adopted because I think it speaks so clearly to me and my comparison past-time. He talks about how when we were in 7th grade, we had this riddle about being in a life boat, and having a doctor, a lawyer, single mom, and a janitor with us. Of course there is only room for 4 people- so somebody will have to go – who would we kick out? And then he talks about how we then live our lives as if we are on that life boat – always trying to gain position so we won’t get kicked out – making sure that we are not last on the list or our life might be in danger! But, then he goes on to talk about how J did away with the lifeboat – He called us what we are – sinners – and then took our wrath so we could become His brothers and sisters! So, we no longer have to find our place in the lifeboat, but can rest in our relationship with J – this sounds really great and it is – but living it is a different story – I have had many life boat drills since I have been back in the States – issues with my family- ranking how much time they spend with each member making sure I am still way up in the Lifeboat – issues with not having any keys – to anything – and that must mean I am not important and would be seen ejected from the lifeboat at any minute – But being here at school it seems the Lifeboat is back – and bigger than ever! I went with some girls to watch a movie in the common area last night – we have a big screen TV and it is GREAT! But, when I walked in with my friends, there were people there – all of whom they knew…and I didn’t – so I began immediately to feel this pressure in my chest as I grabbed the Lifeboat for all it was worth, envisioning the tug of all those people trying to get me out of their boat! So, I began to make conversation – hoping of course to win others to my side who would come to my defense when the “hurl her overboard” was called – so we were getting ready to watch movies, so we started talking about movies - I love movies, so I chimed in…we talked about this one, and that one and that one – and then we started talking about comedies – and I wanted to join in, so I started talking about some of my favorites – but as soon as I opened my mouth all the names of those movies fled my mind – it was like I was seeing the movie but all the faces were smudged blurs and I couldn’t remember even a way to describe who was in it! I of course began to blame this immediately on Vic and Stacey – who should have kept the important subject of movie material in all of our conversations so I would not look like a dork upon arrival in the US! (Joke!) A mad grasp at the lifeboat once again! So, the movie began, I was saved from the idiocy I had made – so as I watched the movie, I began to think about what had just happened – my first reaction was to get on a plane and fly back to my friends who accept me and love me and want to watch movies with me even if I don’t know anything about them….but that is not possible, so I sat, glued to the seat – but then I started having longings for friends here – ones that I know love me and want to hang with me, like Paul and Donna or Katy – and then friends that have left here – like dear Melissa! And then it hit me – I want my lifeboat back! I want my place where everyone likes me and I am not in danger of being hurled overboard! WHAT A JOKE! Here I was, presented with opportunities to get to know people – all followers of my God, all living within 1 mile of my house – some in the same building I live in – and I was too worried about how they would like me to even try to love them! I wasn’t interested in them, I wasn’t wanting to get to know them and their differences – their ideologies and their traditions, their understandings – NO! All I wanted was for them to like me! WHAT A SELFISH PIG I AM! I so wish I didn’t do that, I so wish that I knew how to love - with no self interest – I wish that when presented with people that I know love J (something I am not yet acclimated to) that I would reach out and want to know about them, truly know about them - not just so I can say “oh, well I do that better, so they will be out of the boat before I am – nanny nanny boo boo!” But such is my life – the wretched sinner that I am! I am so glad we are all “crooked deep down” in the words of Derek Webb – so, today it is my prayer that I would begin to spark an interest in those who are different from me, who might not agree with me, who might want to throw me off – and to try to love them – not for my reward, but because J loves them and the HS is working inside of them and the Father has created them - so they are part of my community for eternity!
So I am sitting in my room – the lantern I bought at Global Village lit up in the corner, the opposite corner has my shisha pipe – and Patty Griffin is playing through the computer speakers – I am in Dallas – I live here now! It sometimes takes me of guard when I think about it – no more round abouts, no more call to prayer in the mall, no more shisha “bars,” no more house church, no more…..the list could go on! I was thinking about this on the boring drive to Texas – Louisiana and Mississippi don’t have much to offer as far as excitement on Highway 20 – so mingled between the pines and swamps my mind drifted to the differences that I have experienced since I have been here - the fact that I registered my car in 20 mins, the fact that I rode on the highway for 16 hours and NO ONE flashed their lights at me to make me get over – and then the fact that in the 16 hours I never once left the country – the green, the trees, the humidity, the cool temps of 95 – and then as I approached the Texas border, a beautiful streak began in the sky and darted off to the ground – and then more followed and I was greeted by a first class Texas thunderstorm – streak lightning and everything! It was wonderful! It has rained a lot since I have been home- at least once a week – that takes some getting used to! But, I have settled as much as I can - I will say “In the Emirates” for quite some time, and I will think of the Al Daheri and the Al Shami family and will lift them up to our Father – and I will hear someone say “habibi” and I will smile as the deep parts of my heart resound with aches for “home” and echoes of joy for those few days I was able to experience life there! I am back in the throws- money problems, so I feel almost normal – I guess. It has been hard to explain what happened to me while I was gone – I mean, I run into friends here and I think that everything is the same as it was – but then I am not the same as I was – so it can’t be the same again. I read Don Miller’s new book today – rather I started it- Don’t worry Stacey yours will be coming soon J – and I read about his trip to Oregon and his desire to leave – and it was like someone was calling my name – I read what I have experienced as I was “shaped by my experiences. Our perception of joy, fear, pain and beauty are sharpened or dulled by the way we rub against time” and I was shaped by my time in the Emirates – I look forward to looking back in the years to come to see how those few months shaped my life, how those few precious people changed me and how my thoughts in the desert made me walk differently in the present – so, although I struggle with not being there – with being back here with more years to struggle over books and heady things – I look forward to how God is going to change me as I “rub against time” here in Dallas- these few months, these precious people and this walk in the city – and how it will change me - It will be fun to look back at these experiences and think about how they have shaped me!
