I was reading a book 2 weeks ago while I was camping. This feels like it was a lifetime ago because of all the insanity of this week, but it was just 2 weeks ago. The author, Philip Yancey, was talking about virtues that we posses that point to the reality of eternity. He told a story of a woman in South Africa during the Truth and reconciliation commission. This was a commission that was formed after the end of apartheid to discover the truth of the atrocities that were committed during that 20 year period. This woman had seen her husband be "necklaced" which means a tire was filled with gasoline, placed around his neck and then lit on fire. The perpetrators stood around and watched as they burned their victim laughing at how it was faster than killing him and then cremating the body. Then, a few years later, these same men returned and set her son on fire in front of her eyes. During the commission, the judge asked the woman what she wanted this man, the one who lit the fires, to do - she said two things. 1) can you show me where you burned my husband so I can get a handful of dirt and honor his body? 2) I forgive you and I still have a lot of love in my heart to give. I don't have a husband to love or a child to love, so I want to love you - to show you that I truly forgive you. So I want to ask you to come to my house every week so I can show you my love and forgiveness. The man fainted on the spot. This is a true story - and there are many more like it in the book "Country of my Skull" - one of the best books I have read all year! This story brought tears to my eyes - reminding me of the truth that allows such a heart of love. I but the book down - my eyes full of tears and turned off the flashlight. I laid back on the picnic table that was my desk and gazed into heaven. The stars were out in full force - not clouded by the city lights or the clouds of the storm that would be rolling in - and as I gazed at the beautiful circle dance on the curtain of darkness, I thought ...... It seems that we as humans are great at constructing buildings of pain - they are built with selfishness and sin - and often they seem to form a reality that is suffocating. It seems that sin, and the pain caused by it, is all around us - a earth that fights with itself in hurricanes, flash floods, tornadoes, etc - people that don't care for each other that inflict immeasurable wounds on their fellow men. It is when you gaze deeply into this vat of darkness that it seems that this is the only reality. And then, like pricks of light, pointing to an immensity that can only be imagined, forgiveness shines through. It points to the fact that sin is not all there is, that pain and agony do not rule, that love is bigger and stronger than all the powers of selfishness. These glimpses into eternity are what break me from my circle of selfishness - this week has been hard, filled with stress....With insecurities ....And sad to admit, selfishness. And at times I took this out on those closest to me. If they didn't have their life in the midst of my madness, if I didn't think that they were struggling enough with me - really, if I felt that they were having fun and living a normal life while mine was torture, then I got mad! So, I told them that I was ticked....And watched them listen to me, watched them stare my selfishness in the eye and then ask me to forgive them for not loving me the "way they should!" - all the while allowing me to be a butt. These encounters jolted me - they allowed light into a room that I thought was impenetrable - they forgave me for my sin! I have walked around for the last 24 hours reveling in the fact that I am forgiven - that my sin is black, that it walls me in, that it is filled with hurt and agony and pain - but that God has forgiven me, He has broken into my life with a love inexpressible and showed that my reality does include sin.....But it won't forever! :)
It is amazing how I can be in my apartment, filled with people and because I don't have a "partner" of some kind that I feel alone. I came home yesterday - and it was overwhelming! It has been a long time since I have been accosted by those feelings....And my first reaction was to want to "like" somebody - but the guys at DTS have no real vision for the world - they are so "status quo" it is revolting! But I think this is just because I am becoming more and more aware that the life we live is a communal life. It seems that living and not investing in people is not really living. I think this is why I feel loneliness today - I want to impact humanity with my relationships - that is why I have been going to peace rallies and emailing senators about human rights issues - leading "world water day" discussions at school -making people aware of the thousands that are dying because of AIDS, lack of food, lack of drinking water. I don't understand why God has given me such a desire to arouse the church to help those made in the "image of God" that are dying around the world - and a desire to teach the Bible and a desire to live outside of the US? How am I supposed to make that happen - so, I am reeling....spinning in this thing they call time - longing for someone to "partner" with me and give me a place - a vision - direction......
I was reminded last night of C.S.Lewis' little diddy about studying during war that is found in Weight of Glory - ok enough- on with the story I was called yesterday afternoon by my room-mate's boyfriend stating that Nic (the room-mate) was swept away in a flash flood - after a few minutes panic - he assured me that she was ok, however another girl that was with her died. I was floored - how does life change so quickly? And if it does - why am I at school - shouldn't I be "doing something" with my life? And why does this "adventure" make me feel as if life is meaningless (is it as if some water can take it away, it must not be that precious)? I went spinning as the last thought filled my head - how revolting! I know that life is precious - because God took the form of humanity - and that has elevated human life to a place that can't be described - much less the fact that God says that humans are created in the image of God and the because we are image bearers we have value! But, what am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to live - knowing now more than usual that I am marching toward death - and everyday it becomes closer! And that is when CS Lewis punched into my mind - the fact that people are dying - in war, in water, in famine, etc - is not what should make me change my attitude about my occupation (being a student) because men and women are always dying - the question is whether or not studying has merit - and I am pretty sure it does. As I look back at my time at DTS, I realize all the areas that God has stretched me to the limit - my finances, my friends, my singleness, my dreams, my abilities, my insecurities - and I think of all the things that I have learned about God - His grace, His love, His vastness, His desire for redemption, His goal of reconciliation, His coming return, His love for His creation - His love for me (all of me) - His love for people, His desire for me to be wrought with His character- and the list could go on and on and on! So, yes - I am marching toward death, yes, I am aware of that in rare fashion - I am aware that death is scary- even though it shouldn't be, it is - I don't know what it is like, I feel as if I should meet it with certain accomplishments, letters after my name and positions that I have amounted- but that doesn't really matter when you meet him - death just takes you - not your crap! I am confident that I should have this feeling every day (this awareness of death) - an urgency to live for Christ, a passion to make a difference and a love for life- I think this feeling is what Amy Carmichael meant when she said "love to live and live to love" -
I sleep in this shirt - it is a cool purple color and has the Baltimore Crab on the front and back. I love this shirt - because it is cool, because it is from my favorite city and because I have had it for years. At some point a few years back, a hole developed and it was made into pajamas. Not that I can't afford pajamas, but I love this shirt and I want to keep it! Well, as I have slept in this shirt over the last few years - combined with the "dyer" in the Emirates (aka on the clothes line in 110 degree heat) a few more holes developed - first in the arm pit, then the other, then a few more in the back, then a few more across the top - and now it has actually managed to remain its shape and be indecent at the same time! I am not sure how this is possible - but it has happened....And I am not sure that it even has merit to be pajamas. (after all is there a point in wearing clothes if they are indecent?) So I am going to have a funeral for my shirt - and let it go into oblivion - and I will mourn its loss! I feel a little bit like that shirt - I feel as if school is wearing holes in my soul - taking advantage of the areas that I am weak in and blowing them to smithereens! I feel as if my "want to" gets diminished to nothing - because for so long I have just done what I "have to" - today when I get off work, I will do homework for at least 4 hours - and I have already spent 2 solid days reading and every evening for the last umpteen weeks I have done homework! So, I don't want to do homework...But I have to - and what do I want to do? I don't know, it feels like it has been so long since I just got to do whatever I wanted! And then, look at me - acting like I should be able to do what I want - what about the 10 million kids in northern Uganda that walk almost 10 miles every night and morning to escape the "LRA" and the sure "draft" into their army - or worse, rape, murder, etc. I wonder how many of them are plagued with Oprah's thoughts of "do what I love, love what I do" - or what about the millions dying of hunger in Nigeria, or the thousands that will die today of Aids in sub-saharan Africa? How many of them will think "what is my passion and how can I live that out?" But even the thoughts of all of these people makes me shrink - how could I begin to make a difference in their lives? And I am worn out again, this time in a different spot - a big hole is developing.
I confess that I only like grace when it works in my favor. I confess that I want my friends to only have fun when they are with me. I confess that I feel alone. I confess that I fell as if no one gets me. I confess that the reason I hate my job is that I feel like it is below me. I confess that I have forgotten what it is like to live in a place surrounded by those who do not follow Christ. I confess that the only reason I feel alone is because I don't want to need anyone. I confess that people annoy me. I confess that I live as if I have to earn God's love. I confess that I think I deserve better than I have. I confess that I am self-centered. I confess that I compare and compete in all areas of life. I confess that I do not guard my tongue. I confess that I do not take time to love others. I confess that I expect people to treat me with dignity, but I do not take the time to treat others this way. I confess that I expect people to understand that I have a story - but I don't take the time to listen to theirs. I confess that I live as if my sins are "mistakes." I confess that I focus on other people's sins more than my own. I confess that I don't even take the time to admit my need of others and God. I confess that most of the time I don't think I need others or God. I confess that I only want to hang out with people who think I am cool. I confess that I get sick and tired of trying to "love mercy, do justice and walk humbly with God" I confess that I get mad because I don't have the money to go on a road trip from Johannesburg to Casa Blanca. I confess that I live as if the world around me is the only reality. I confess that I live as if the resurrection never happened. I confess that I hate any limitations placed on me by others or myself. I confess that I need grace!
I have realized that I love being creative - but that there are areas of creativity - like writing (especially poetry) and singing that I do not want to do publicly because I want people to like me! :) I mean, that I am afraid that they will think that I sing poorly or that I write horribly - so I keep these things to myself. Also, I am learning that as the Body of Christ I need to admit that I need people - it is really hard for me to admit that I need someone - but I am learning to say "thanks, that was exactly what I needed" acknowledging that I need people. It is quite embarrassing to admit that I am not self-sufficient. And even more embarrassing to admit that I think I could be self-sufficient. I am realizing that I have bought into the American idea that I can make myself into whatever I want and have no need of anyone else! WHAT A JOKE! I really need people - people right here in Dallas, friends that live in the Emirates, Canada and even California - saints that have lived before me - and saints that live all over the world, struggling to live like Jesus in different cultures and in different ways! I need people! That is what the Body of Christ is - a body, parts made into a whole - all relying on the Head and all dependent on each other! I am really tired right now, and I am sure that I need to blog more - but hopefully I will get on for a really long blog this week - since I don't have classes - but right now I need a nap - so....
