I have a few posts that I haven't posted yet - they are on my computer at home that is currently not connected to the globe via the internet and they will remain there until I get a pay check in a few weeks and I can afford to have internet in my house! But for now, I will have to write when I get a chance in the Library - which seems to be less frequent than frequent. But! So anyway - I have realized how much I really enjoy having a blog, I love being able to confess my sins to the compose screen and know that in some way I am being open with others and admitting my needs - so here is another one of those days! I have realized that I have heart that is sunburned - you know, when you are sunburned someone reaches out to give you a hug and you recoil, knowing that the pain it will cause is not worth the "good" of the hug. Well, I think that is what my heart is like! I have realized that I have let events in my past - crummy events- dictate how I allow my heart to feel. And I am walking around unable to let people grab me in a warm embrace, unable to allow people to touch my heart, unable to be close to them - all because I have let my heart stay "burned" - it is not easy admitting that events that happened almost 13 years ago have done this kind of damage to my heart - it is not easy admitting that things that people have said and sins that people have committed against me can haunt me years after the event - I agree with Patty here in that it is like I am living with ghosts - all of whom remind me how I am not pretty enough, how I am not going to be used of God and how I am not worthy to be ...... - all of whom spill lies into my head all day long and dredge up the things that I have tried for so long to find redemption in and who repeatedly fail me every time - all of whom remind me to keep my heart sunburned so that I can escape the pain of relationships in the future! But that is not what our Great Savior teaches - He said for me to deny myself - with all of my ghosts - and to live in a relationship where I depend on Him alone for my redemption! He offers me grace - what a great word!- to cover all of my issues - a grace that is just as real as the pain, a grace that is just as real as the sin, a grace that is just as real as my fallen nature - but a grace that is bigger than all of those things! A grace that is more sufficient than all of those things! A grace that is more extensive than all of those things! There is not an area in my life where God's grace is not flowing and changing me to be more like Him! WOW!!! So, I live today, my heart is sunburned but it is healing. I live today knowing that I need people - I live today knowing that I am totally dependent on God's grace for redemption - and I live today -
You know that feeling you get when someone has opened you up emotionally and you are about to lose it...Tears are about to pour forth and you are not going to be able to keep up with reality? Well, that is the feeling I got today when my Dad asked me if I was frustrated with not being able to find a job. I just felt his love and care for me oozing over the phone line and I just wanted to put my head on his shoulder and cry because life is hard, and it stinks and I don't like being a grown up! And then, as my voice cracked with my emphatic "Yes...Dad it is killing me!" He said that he was going to take today to pray especially for me - tears have crowded into my eyes as I am writing this.....You see, dad is sick- he has a cancerous tumor that has been giving him a rough time - surgery, medicine, etc. And on top of that, he is home sick because he caught some virus....And three out of his four kids need money and are looking for work - and he said that as he laid on his bed, in pain - he would pray for me! I just love having parents that love me - and when I have to come to them, tail between my legs - repentant for my rebellion and pride, they take me in, give me grace - offer me forgiveness - and serve me and love me! Thanks J for such a great picture of Your unfailing love! May you bless me with the ability to love like my parents love me!
I happened today - one of those moments that takes your self-esteem and flattens it! I had a hard time getting dressed today....You know, one of those days when you get dressed and you see every flaw in your body - and amazingly everything you put on highlights these same flaws. I felt like a walking advertisement for body flaws! But, as usual I told myself that I have "kick-tail eyes" and got in my small life boat and went to class. I was impressed that I was able to do this, muster enough courage to leave the house in such a small and flimsy life-boat. But go to class I did, quickly sitting down to hide the pitiful lifeboat I had dragged in with me. And then the prof called people up to get some handouts. It was like it was all in slow motion. I saw her, dark hair flowing, cute little dress, and then she looked at me and smiled and I saw piercing blue eyes! And then all hell broke loose in my head! (NO! I am not telling you that I am gay...Hold on...It is too early to declare the moral of this story) My life boat was nuked! Nothing was left of it - no more "my eyes are cool" because hers are too, no more "my hair is dark - and dark hair and blue eyes are an unbeatable combination" - because she had it too! So, immediately in true Oprah fashion, my keen sense of survival kicked in. I ran through the lists of other life boats I could conjure up to get me through this situation - I am WAY prettier than she is...Well maybe not, better leave that one on the shore...I am WAY smarter than she is - ok that one will do - I am WAY more fun....Ok, getting better and I have WAY cooler toe-nail polish than she does! That's it! A winner! Ok, I was safe - I was not going to be outdone.....But then, I realized that my self esteem was still teetering on the greatness of my toe polish, so I better keep going. I concluded that she must be stupid, a boring legalist and I am sure she is a counseling major who has major needs! And if this is all true, then no one who "picks" her over me is worth my time and effort anyway! Now, I was safe....in my new totally secure life boat, fully equipped with a barbed wire fence to keep cute chic out, even if she is drowning herself! OUCH! Do you see what I just did? I tried to make my self esteem stay afloat by toe nail polish and trashing a beautiful - and I am sure, Godly girl- who is here at school trying to learn how to serve our Great God better! I don't even know her - and yet I let my need to compare totally crush her and make her detestable in my mind! And how is that allowing me to love others as more important than myself? How is that loving anyone? What a clear picture of what my lack of recognizing my redemption can do. I had such a need to be an individual, one who stands above the rest - that when offered a chance to see others and accept them for who they are I ran the other way and made them my enemy! Oh Father! Thank You for Your grace that gave me such a clear picture of how my lack of trusting in You for my redemption does not lead to love and honor and acceptance, but rather leads to hate, and distrust and disunity. I want nothing more than to love You and to love others....But in order for me to do this I have to know that You loved me "just because" and that there is nothing I can do to make you love me more - no funny-ness, no intelligence, no toe nail polish is going to make You love me anymore! You already love me....You love me! And all I have to do is rest in Your unfailing love, a love that reaches down to such a depraved, evil girl as me (who has put her trust in Oprah and puny, pitiful lifeboats) and has given me True Life, True love and True transformation in Jesus! And then, when this transformation starts to take place, then I can have community with others the way You have planned. Not seeking my selfish needs met, but recognizing how great it is to receive the love of God through others!
This has been a day of friends - from beginning to end! And it has been a good day! I have seen Katy and got to help her out with Brayden- and then she poured grace into my life by helping me....And then I got a chance to learn how to let people love me because I let a guy that was in a few of my classes help me move my bed in- it was great to just take help and see how the Body is supposed to function! And then I went to Paul and Donna's - hung out with their kids, talked about backpacking and just laughed together! And then I came to campus and ran into Julie and Nicci and then we chatted and laughed - and then - I came in and checked email and I had notes from Stacey and Mona and Doc Harris! It was great! It is fun to have friends! I am glad that God has been so gracious in giving me so many - all of whom show me how to love Him with my whole heart and who call me to love others as more important than myself! I am so grateful for these people - I can't express how I have enjoyed bumping into them and allowing them to bump into me and wear away some of my selfishness and pride and sin - it has been fun!
I feel as though I am on the edge of Half Dome – in the beauty of Yosemite- looking down at the green – so green it hurts your eyes – and the water – rushing at speeds that I can’t comprehend- and the art of creation is so incredible – and then I realize that I am standing on a 10,000 foot cliff! The world that is spreading out before me is dangerously far below me – and to experience it, I must join it – some how……and it feels as if I must jump! No, I am not suicidal….I am trying to understand how to embrace the life that God has given me, and I am realizing that a lot of me must die in order for me to do that. I just got off the phone with a dear friend and as I was talking these ideas came to my head – ideas that bring such terror, such pain and agony that even to say them makes me quake – but none-the-less they are true! I was talking about the story of the girl who told her husband that he didn’t know her, because if he had to tell her the one memory that really defined her- he wouldn’t have a clue. And then I said that the reality is, my memories that make me think "This is the real Katy!" don’t include anyone else – They are me being silly, me being stupid, me protesting something – and I have been realizing this week that I think that the thing that makes me "Katy" is the thing that makes me different. And although this might sound fun, it means that I am always trying to be different in order to retain my identity – I have to be a feminist, or a democrat, or believe this or that, or ladi dadi da…..and because of that I can’t have true community. I see myself as separate from those around me – a barrier of idenity that keeps me from joining them. I see myself as an individual of individuals – and as I was reading in my church History book yesterday – Christianity is incompatible with Individualism! And as I read this, my heart ached! Because that is what I am, deep down, down to my toes, to the backside of my heart – I am an individualist! I want to be me, no one else – I want to be complete by myself – with no need of anyone! And I am realizing how non-Jesus that is…..and how whole heartedly I have been following Oprah! I can’t express the fear that this brings to my heart – or the ache that it brings as I realize my small capacity for love……I tell myself it is just my insecurities that make me say, "he would never be interested in me" or that cry louder than any voice, "he would never like YOU!" - no ,those are not insecurities, those are lies – lies much deeper than they sound, because they come from a bedrock of individualism – one that states that I should protect myself at all costs, one that states that the pain of friendship and the pain of love are not worth my effort, because I can rise above the need of people….I can be the individual! And yet, that is all I have ever been…..I have never been one to melt into a crowd, I have never been one to go with the flow of ideas and just grab on like everybody else – I HAVE ALWAYS DEFINED MYSELF BY MY INDIVIDUALITY! And now, I hear that quiet, loving voice saying so softly – but so firmly- "Katy, give it to Me! Let Me define you…let Me show you how your greatness comes in your love – let me enlarge your heart to really love Me….to have a heart that is not strangled by yourself, that is not shrinking because of the dryness of individualism…..Let me make your heart grand – Let Me take you to depths of pain, and yet depths of True Love that you have never even begun to imagine! Let ME define you – Let me make you part of My body – not an individual…Let me make you be my Bride, together with so many others who have come, not by themselves….but by My grace! Let Me make you Mine!" Oh, Father – that is what I want! I want a heart that is not dulled and hardened because I have kept it so safe….I want to experience Your love for me…by being a people made for Your possession, not a girl made for Your possession – I want to know the joy of running as Your Bride – together with thousands of others who together proclaim that it is by Your Grace – and not our individualism – that has given us this treasure! I want my heart to be exploded into a heart that can embrace and love others! I want my heart to be able to reflect the measure of love that I have been given – no puny, little love…..A HUGE, Gi-normous kind of love – a love that takes me beyond my boundaries, beyond my lies, beyond every anchor that holds me to my personality – every anchor except the redemption of Christ. I want to hold to nothing else….. So, even though I hear the screams of terror exuding from my heart, and even though the cries of torture and pain seem to drown those screams out….Triune God, I don’t want to be a woman who has wasted her life by holding on to herself. I want to experience the joy of being a "people" for Your possession…..I don’t want to think that You came for only me…….I want to know that we, together, all whacked to our deepest parts, are enjoying the treasure of Your redemption as we pour Your love, Your grace, and Your forgiveness into each other, – and that we catch a glimpse of things to come, when we will truly be Your Bride – clothed in nothing but Your righteousness and You redemption – nothing of our own- and we stand beside You as Your body, a Holy people….to show forth Your praises for eternity!
Tears are rolling down my face – my vision is blurry and I can’t see the screen or the keys – I HATE MOVING! It means I lost all my friends – I mean, not lost them-lost them – but lost them! I mean, they are all on another time zone from me – Louise is getting married as I write this, Vickie is on a plane "home" gazing into her engagement ring, Stacey is in Oman getting ready for school tomorrow, and I just need to have a friend here – I mean – someone who knows my wacky moods and can tell when I’m getting off base – and can get caught up in an idea with me…..so caught up that we both talk and talk and then come to some sort of conclusion that is a mix of both our ideas – not just laughing at mine or taking mine as their own – and then I thought…I know I will call my brother! And as I thought this I cried even more….because really I just want someone to remind me who names me – and Josh and Green always do such a good job at that! I mean, they always know how to make me laugh at myself – and can easily point out sin in my life – and yet, they know when I just need them to remind me that even though I need people, I don’t need them to name me! Oh Father – I just wish that You were here, that You could put Your hand on my shoulder and grab me in a bear hug – that I could feel Your Love in Your real embrace – DAMN this cursed earth and sin and all that keeps me from really experiencing that! And yet, I know that the fact that I want others to speak words of truth into my life is such a sign of God’s love for me…that He has already provided that for me! But what if I want more? What do I do with that? I hate feeling unsatisfied with all that God has given me – I hate feeling like I need a man to make me feel worthy in this world. I hate the drive for American women to be married, and have kids and that is what names them – because then we have to talk about it all the time! I have talked more about getting married in the last 4 weeks than I have in the last two years! AND IT IS DRIVING ME CRAZY! I mean, it is "making" me manufacture crushes on guys, making me think that I need a hand to hold or an arm around me – all things I had even forgotten existed! And, when I do remember that they are a part of reality – all I want is to have Joe back, the normal, great guy that he is – who knows me and loves me anyway…..and then it hits me, that probably doesn’t even exist anymore either! I mean….I am sure that things would be just as weird and uuuuuu with us now as ever! SO I AM STUCK! DAMN this cursed earth and sin! I want to know what it is to love and give myself away and yet I don’t know how to do that – and I can’t have a real relationship with a guy here on campus and it is starting to hit me, that my boycott of marriage means that I won’t get to even hold hands with a guy for the next 11 years!!!!!! And then I think – what is so bad about that? Or, I think…maybe not, maybe Don Miller will fall in love with me when he meets me next weekend – see I can’t even get that joke out of my mind! What is going on????? What is happening to me????? I feel as if I am falling apart!!!!! One minute I am as happy as a clam and the next I am freaking out because I don’t have a boyfriend! WELCOME TO THE USA! I don’t like living here in this culture – it is too complicated! I like it when there are only two boys to pick from and one of them is already taken and the other one is not an option – no matter what! I like having a few friends who understand that you need them and they need you – and that are honest and loving and gentle in their rebukes, but most importantly…we have a truckload of fun together and yet are not superficial and fake – we genuinely talk and laugh and "are" with each other – I mean, I think back to my time even in Andrews – Green and Josh and I laughed hard – we played hard too- but we had life changing talks as well……that is what I want! That is what I need! So, why don’t I have it!?!?!?!? Why do I feel as if God has awaken desires in me – to be loved, to be real, to be accepted and considered beautiful and "valued" – and yet, there is no one to do that! Is He just making it hard so I will see that only He can do it? Is He just making me realize that the best is coming with His return? Is He just mean? Am I just stupid? OUCH!!!!!! Today has been a day of incredible bliss and one of incredible pain! And I guess that is what happens when you are human in a fallen world – but I hate it! So once again…. DAMN this cursed earth and sin!!!!
you know, I have been learning a lot about myself lately - a lot about how I believe Oprah more than Jesus in lots of areas of my life - I have learned that I have re-acted to male dominance in my life by being "feministic" - I have learned that I have a lot of silly rules about who can be my husband, just so I can protect myself and not let anyone really love me, I have learned that I use metaphors for relationships that don't convey God's meaning of relationships, I have learned that I use the term "unhealthy" as a euphemism for "ungodly" because I don't like saying that I have had "ungodly" relationships and "unhealthy" makes me look better, I have learned that I need to totally trust God - I mean, not just say I trust Him...But genuinely trust that He loves me and that He loves me and that HE LOVES ME!!!!! And because underneath me are His everlasting arms and I am surrounded by His unfailing love - I can trust Him. I can trust Him in my insecurities, I can trust Him with my finances, I can trust Him with my relationships - I can trust Him! I have learned that God's provision is amazing, in that He has given me friends who truly adore me and want me to love Jesus with all of my being! And although I have only known some of them for a few weeks - they have enlarged my heart to love God and others better already! I have learned that I miss my life in the Emirates and my friends there and my conversations about God - and how incredibly grateful I am for the time there to be loved by others and to practice loving them too! And the coolest thing about learning all of these things is that I would have never learned them if the Holy Spirit wasn't living and breathing inside of me! I mean, I know that it is His work that is making me different - It is His changing my thoughts on people, my thoughts on men, my thoughts on church, my thoughts on Oprah - I know that these things would have never been changed because some guy told me, or because some girl pointed them out - because I have heard them all before I am sure, but this week - God Himself has made these truths come alive and He has changed me to look a little more like Jesus! And How do you express gratitude for that? It truly is dis-describable the relationship that we have with the Trinity! So, I am grateful- still jobless, wondering how to be a Christian Single in a place where all the girls want to chat about boys, Still trying to get used to American Christianity - but I am learning and God is changing me! What incredible Grace!
The last two days have been days that I have not been able to keep a "real" thought in my head - it is amazing...I am not sure if it is because Seminary really does make you insane, if living on campus has made me lose hold on reality, or if I am just a girl and this is normal every once in a while. I am not talking about being scatter brained, or thinking about clothes and shoes, how to pay rent, major crisis or such while in class - I am talking about having full length conversations with people in my head - all of course to show case how witty, smart and wonderful I am! It is crazy - yesterday, while sitting outside and enjoying the glorious day, I was losing my train of thought - my eyes were crossing the words of the book, but my mind was deep in conversation with a guy I met, or re-living a thought provoking conversation from the other day...Of course changing what I said and did but leaving all the other dialogue the same (this, in case you don't know ,makes you look brilliant!) And today,I was sitting in Greek - after the quiz, thank the Lord- but I was thinking about what I would do if I ran into so and so....THIS IS MADNESS! I could handle it when it was hours of conversation with Don Miller, but now these conversations are taking over my life! I am so self centered! I am so all about me! I want to stop, but at times it is so thrilling that all I want to do is sit and daydream! Oh, my love for ideas can sometimes be a curse! And what about taking every thought captive like the Bible says? Shouldn't I live in the here and now and not in the "maybe someday" - but I continue to live in this daydream world of Katy - where everyone loves me and thinks I am great (believe it or not, that is not true - some people really don't like me and they think I am crazy, after reading this blog I am sure those numbers will increase!)
I am listening to Patty Griffin - don't you just love how she manages to get under your skin and move you along in her music - it is encouraging, mellow, exciting and thoughtful all at the same time - the true definition of art. This whole thing started Monday night as I lay in bed re-reading Don's Blue Like Jazz. He was talking about the metaphors we use to explain relationships. He talked about how we always use economic metaphors - you know, "I value you," "he invested in me," "I treasure our friendship..." ladi, ladi, la - so I started thinking about how that has effected my thoughts on relationships - and I cringed! I don't want to see people as monetary things that either increase or decrease my value, I don't want to see them as things I "spend" my time on - I want them to be a picture of the art, the beauty of community that we see so clearly in the Trinity. So, I started trying out a new metaphors - so let me know what you think: I of course picked the stars and the moon - after all they are my favorite creation outside of people - and as I began to think about it, I saw friendship in a totally new way. What if people shone into your life the Light of Christ, what if they, like the moon, reflected the glory of Jesus onto you, giving you knew meaning and more definition than ever before - what if we saw relationships as expanding our souls in the same way that the stars seem to expand as you gaze on them, always leaving you with the feeling of greatness and awe - what if I saw my relationships as a time to showcase the beauty and majesty that accompanies creation - then my relationships would be beyond "valued" or even "treasured" - they would be ....Well I guess I can use a new word I just learned - ineffable - or, indescribable, - or in the words of a friend here at school "dis- describable" - that is , way past indescribable. Wouldn't it be neat if I saw my relationships with the same awe and wonder as the stars - if I let them contain such diversity, and mystery and beauty? I think that they were created by God to show the beauty and mystery of our relationship with Him - as a Three-in-One - and if I saw them in this way, they would far outshine the sky on the most beautiful night you could imagine - my relationships would truly dazzle! just a thought - I am trying to think of some more metaphors....but class awaits!
I have heard that if you want to truly relax, you have to get in a pool and try to float on your back. We are created in such a way that if we just lay back in the water we will quickly sink...But if we relax our muscles - I mean truly relax all of our muscles- take a deep breath and then lay back in the water, miraculously we float! I think that is what I am learning to do today - to relax and lay back on God. I have been so worked up about my job, depressed by the number of companies that have "rejected" me by not responding to my resume or application - and I was seriously anxious about my bills - I know that God says not to do that, but I was! I mean, I know he provides for the birds, squirrels and flowers and such - but the last time I checked they didn't have rent or a school bill to pay! So, I wasn't comforted by scripture at all! But, today I went out to a park to sit and read. And as I was sitting there a soft, breeze began to flow - it covered my whole body with the sensation of falling into the softest bed, or that great feeling of a baby cuddling up to your neck - the smell of Dallas wafting in the breeze, the caress that I so distinctly felt - it made me stop reading and just look. I gazed that the beautiful trees, the pigeons in the park and a few squirrels fighting over nuts. It was amazing to just relax and remind myself that I am not the only one in this world. I am only a part of God's creation and that He has not forgotten me. So - I am relaxing - falling back into Him (Who is so capable of providing) and taking deep breaths....And floating - well, at least for tonight!
