This week I was sliced by the words of another - not the cut of a reckless sword , but rather the surgeon's knife carefully placed to remove the unwanted tissue. Let me tell the story- I had about 4 hours sleep the night before because I was trying to get papers and such done for the last week of school. I go into my Greek class, slide into my chair next to my friend Toph and start shooting the breeze. My Prof comes by and drops off my paper - one that I turned in about a month ago. I look at the grade - C minus...But it is passing! So I rejoice! This class has been kicking my butt and I have been claiming "D is for Diploma" for the entire semester! So, that is not what knocked the wind out of me....As I sat in class, I noticed that the back of my paper had a comment on it - so I grabbed the paper out of my bag and started to read - here are the highlights: "this paper was frustrating to read, not because it was not well-written but because of the clear lack of attention to exegesis. God has obviously gifted you in communication - you communicate your ideas clearly and your argument flows easily - but, you have not done any exegesis. Do you not think that if God has gifted you in communicating ideas that you could worship Him by showing honor to His word in exegesis?" OUCH! I mean, the scalpel went in quickly and deeply - removing the pride that placed me above exegesis of the text! I mean, think about it - here I turned in a paper acting like my ideas were better than the Bible's! OUCH! I felt as if I were squished to the size of an inchworm - and that everyone around me saw me for that disgusting person that I am. I knew the meaning of Heb 4 when it talks about being open and laid bear before the Lord - I was naked and fully ashamed at my lack of ability to even argue for myself. I so appreciated the grader's comment because it was masterfully crafted and I had no way to defend myself! WOW! How I do appreciate brothers in Christ! Anyway - I repented and asked my friends to keep me accountable in doing my work as an act of worship -not rushing through it to finish school - but applying myself to learn as much as I can. To worship the almighty God as I do the mundane task of writing papers and reading! It is amazing that God allows us to worship Him in the everyday tasks of life - it is only because of the incarnation that this is possible. It is only because God became man that the activities that we do as "man" can be made holy and can be acts of worship. I am learning more and more that the incarnation is crucial to my theology - it is because "God became man that man can become like God" - I pray that I will use this "amputation" for His glory -that I will strive to worship Him in my daily activities!
I was reading some random blogs today at work and I came across this phrase "church focused" and I thought - that's it! That is why I have had such a different view of church - because I am no longer "church focused" - I don't know what I am, I wish I could say that I was "God Focused" or "other focused" but more than likely I am just "me focused" - but I am realizing that the change I have been going through is changing my focus - taking it off the church and putting it in other places - this is a big switch for me....Because I grew up in the church and my life revolved around it for 28 years! But now, I am realizing that the church is of vital importance to my spirituality - but that it is not my life! This is a major shift - I go to church to help with my spirituality, not because it is my spirituality - I go to church to find community, learning, and to live as a Body...But I leave the church and I am the Body in my life - as I work, as I play, as I study. And that this is where I find my spirituality as well - not just in the communion service, not just in the public confession, not just in the sharing of my life with my fellow church members - but also as I pray over my lunch, or as I fast for the return of Christ, or as I read my book of common prayer and read the Bible with Christians from all over the world - I am not focused on the church to make me grow - I am focused on the Holy Spirit - living in me, living in others and manifesting Himself in the Church - I am not focused on the church - I am focused on something so much bigger!
I just found some really cool stuff on Don's website and just have to pass it along - I was able to hear him speak on these things in Dallas a couple of months ago - and I am still trying to make these things real and true in my life check it out!
You know, as an American it is easy to forget about real life - outside of my materialistic, cushy world - I have been complaining lately because I don't like my job, I want a boyfriend - I know, weird coming from me...But DTS does weird things to people - I guess that is what happens when you throw 400 plus singles into the same square block and give them nothing to do but sit around and chat :) - so, anyway, I have been thinking about how nice it would be to have money to buy a new Christmas CD or to buy a new sweater - because if I have new things then I am new, and my life is new and exciting - but yesterday as I walked into the grocery store and was accosted by a 20 foot Christmas tree filled with toys and candy and things - I was amazed at how consumed we are with ourselves - more specifically, how consumed I am with myself. Thursday was world AIDS day - and as I 'memorialized' this event I became aware of the fact that 56% of Swaziland women in their late twenties (that's my age) have AIDS! Yeah - 56%! And then, the continent of Africa is struggling with Famine as well, the country of Nigeria is going to lose 1 in 10 kids this year to hunger....They are going to die because they can't get anything to eat...Yeah, that still happens in our world believe it or not. I am amazed at how quickly I can think of only myself - you know, I want a job that is fun, I want a job that allows me to make money and can still go to class, I want to be "non-broke" - not rich, but able to buy my CDs when I want - I want to be able to have days off work, where I can sleep in and do nothing.... All the while forgetting that other people exist, that the world is not going to cave in because I am "non-broke"....I forget that most people live every month on what I pay for rent - that some people would love the option of Chick-fil-a or even rice - or anything to fill the pain that is in their stomach as they watch their body evaporate into nothingness - and I am worried about what? I am worried about myself - as if I am the "supernation" and that everyone needs to be concerned with me and my life! WHAT A JOKE! I am trying to realize that other people do matter, that I need to arrange my life so that I can love people - and that means that I have to live below my means...Even though I think my means are not enough - that I have to live below them, restrict myself for the good of others - and that I have to do that daily so that I remember that others do exist! Father - please give strength to my brothers and sisters that are dying with AIDS in Swaziland, give my brothers and sisters hope who are dying of hunger in Nigeria - may the way they live out the last days of their life shout Your glory, scream Your praises so that others will see the hope of our salvation that has been promised through Your Son and guaranteed with Your Spirit!
